Bored by full-time motherhood

Completely in the same position as OP. Made redundant 2 years ago - saw it as a "good thing". Have spent the last 12 months trying to get a new job but no luck - have been told off the record that I'm unemployable due to my age. It sucks. Yes, I could take a lower paying job but I"m already looking around half my previous salary, much less and I can't afford childcare. I have been trying to do the volunteer thing - but sometimes I wish people wouldn't assume that I'm at home by choice.

Portofino

No there all well past the breaking and weaning stage but there was a time I had 5 all under 8s which included my sickly youngest DD. So I do know what it is to be crying with tiredness while standing over a sink peeling taties!

But I still say make the best of it all and 'blossom where your planted'

YANBU. If it wasn't for the volunteer work I do I'd have been in a v bad way. Much as I love DS it is boring being a SAHM.

Do some volunteering. HomeStart, NCT, PTA, Churches, local groups, LINK... Whatever floats your boat or pricks your interest will be so thankful to have your help whatever it may be.

Threelittleducks - it will happen, you will start moving forward again. It's the stasis, the lack of momentum I find difficult. I talk to myself.

The other day we were round at the in-laws talking about a subject in the news qhich I had some insight into as I had previously worked in that industry had exams in it etc, but I found my POV was instantly dismissed, despite being based on actual professional experience I was clearly talking rubbish. It transpired that actually I was correct. Not that it made me feel any better

Thanks Beesimo - sorry for the full onness. I just get so annoyed that people think it's as easy as kicking yourself up the bum - it so often isn't. :)

Threelittleducks

Of course I've felt 'like that' its part of the human condition to feel 'like that' everyone has their crosses to bear nobody gets a free ride through life but I promise you the only way to get through it is to say to yourself this too will pass then never give in never let your head drop.

When I made the remarks I did it was in reply to OP if you had written a AIBU the way you wrote your posts I would probably have replied differently, I meant you no harm and I wish better days for you.

I feel profoundly guilty admitting that I'm bored out of my mind only 8 months in. I feel like when I say that a) people think I have nothing to do, which is not the case - its just monotonous and adult free and b) that somehow I am failing to convey how very much I love spending time with my son.

I am looking forward to returning to work and dreading it at the same time. I have anxiety over leaving him but....excitement at the prospect of a professional environment and adult co-workers (wince - guilt, guilt!)

If we could afford me to stay home I would still do it and find a way to make it work though - because I work long hours and so does my husband. It makes me cry to think how little time durin the week we will get to parent our beautiful boy. If I did stay home I'd do anything I could to fill my day with groups, swimming etc because a day at home is a looooong day.

Beesimo#s dd's were going for leg waxing, fake tans and pedicures according to another thread, so presumably aren't toddlers.....

TheNumber could you go back to work?

Beesimo, with all due respect you have NO IDEA what my day-to-day is like or what I've been through these last 3 years.

It's all circumstances woman, and no two are the same. There's not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Kick yourself up the arse - yeah! If only it was that easy!

I've kicked myself up the arse for the last 3 years to get where I am now.
Are you going to give me money to get my kids in childcare/allow me to work from home so I can look after my kids/let my husband stay at home for the time it takes for us to sort it all out? No? Do you want to give me a job? No, didn't think so!

I know I'm not up a creek without a paddle. As soon as they are at pre-school I am outta here! But by buggery, all of this making myself more interesting is killing me! Do you know what? I was like you - I was so sure of myself, so happy-go-lucky. Could not SEE why other people couldn't just get it together. Until you have been down that hole, you have no idea! None!
I have never wanted to actually kill myslf, but I have seen how some people can't go on, I have seen why some people would walk out and never come back, I have seen why and how some people get so far gone that they lose all motivation in their lives. Being on the edge of that does things to you. It's perilous!

Some days I want nothing better than to run away and never come back. I could happily jump into the path of oncoming traffic. There is nothing wrong with me except sheer lonliness, boredom, frustration and the absolute fear that this is all there is going to be for me. Will I ever have a career? I was a mother by the time I graduated - do you know what it's like to see your whole future be possibly thrust down the pan? Because no matter what they tell you about equality, it's not true - it's never equal. Trying to create 'opportunity' for myself, I have been turned down three times, and I know it's because I am a sahm with no childcare in place before interview. I'm not stupid!

And that's the crux of it - maybe if I hadn't been told to be educated and interesting and have it all, then maybe I'd be happier, because I wouldn't aspire. Our sex has been diddled.

Oh this feels good. I have some proper rage on me tonight!

[rainy days in will do that to you]

boretodeath one thing you have to be careful of is not to let people take you for granted or take the piss. I take the view that my role is to look after the children, not do chores for other people. Being at home doesn't mean that my time isn't valuable or that other people get to plan out my days on the grounds that I don't have anything else to do. If people are imposing, then it is okay to say no. That way, when you do sometimes say 'yes', they will appreciate it rather than expect it.

Bravo bessimo!

Threelittleducks has said it all.

Being a SAHM has levied a huge toll on my mental health. I've lost all confidence and am tormented by anxiety day after day. I was a pretty successful lawyer for 15 years beforehand, and every day regret the loss of my career. Tbh, I'm not even sure having children was the right thing for me, I am not a "natural" when it comes to parenting. I'm constantly out and about with mine at groups etc and trying to stimulate them with activities, I am not a lazy mother.

I think it's a bit facile to say you can always combine SAHdrudgery with studying/volunteering etc, it is all down to what support system you have or can afford to buy. I am on the go with my 2 from 6am until 8pm+ before doing dinner/clearing up etc. DH works long hours so isn't much help. I hate every moment of it, tbh.

I think sometimes the woman taking the step back career wise is accidental - a combination of circumstances. A woman might be off work due to a difficult pg, and then she needs to physically recover from birth. If she's bf, then that's not always easy to do at work. I only had to think about a baby crying and my boobs would pour with milk (not at all helpful in a classroom full of teenagers). Men have never been encouraged to share the maternity leave once the mum is physically recovered and so it seems easier for the mother to be the one to stay home. And, of course it's seen as more socially acceptable for the mum rather than the dad to be home full time. All that is fighting with the maternal instinct not to leave the baby. Before you know it, it can be a done deal

Threelittleducks - wow! Excellent post by the way. This cupcake baking, lentil weaving thing is so new. Most women either were poor and worked, or were rich and had nannies/help. It seems to be our generation and the one before it that beats themselves up over "stiimulating activities" and "quality time".

Looking after little children is hard work. Maybe you really love it, maybe you hate it. Why feel guilty that you would rather work, or feel smug that you have martyred yourself on the altar of motherhood? Everyone is different.

I went back to work, my best friend is SAHM. We parent differently, but the kids all get along fine, and if she judges me secretly, she never lets it show. If I think she is a bit uptight about certain things, I too keep my trap shut. Between us, we have happy, healthy children - all at school now. Never, ever once have we had a conversation about "it".

Three little ducks

I think the most supportive thing you can do for any woman in any situation is to say spit on your hands take hold and get on with it. It is pointless acting all pathetic and carrying on like a victim because that is the road to nowhere.

I didn't say half those words you 'put in my mouth' I am sorry you are having a hard time, but you need to take responsibility for your life and stop acting like your up the creek without a paddle because you are not!

Its YOUR life and it is up to you to make the best job of it you can, you are obviously intelligent and we live in a country full of opportunites so make something 'better' happen in your day to day life for your own sake and your DC.

Xenia I wondered if you'd pick that up. The answer is in Fiddle's reply to me - the reason is because she'd miss the DCs. (Presumably her DH doesn't, or doesn't as much).

While there are of course exceptions, it does seem to be the case that many women value time with their DCs more than many men do, and therefore in most couples - even equal earning ones - the woman will be the one who chooses to step back career-wise. We can of course argue forever about whether this is natural, or because men and women have been conditioned to be like this...

The playing with my child bit of it I do actually enjoy most days, but the sheer domestic drudgery not so much (at all!).

Horses for courses. Life would be dull if we were all the same.

I've finally given up work after returning post the first 3. After number 4, paying a nanny, commuting 3 hours a day and flying round Europe to meetings just wasn't making economic or practical sense. I miss working, but not the job; I miss my independence because I didn't get a big redundancy payout - just resigned at the end of mat leave, and I miss having my third 'identity' other than a wife and mother.

I have lots of days when I feel like a drudge, despite having a lovely wide circle of interesting friends, and things that I plan and do with the children.

But then I have days like today, when the sun has been shining, the smallest two have been on really good form, we've been outside most of the day, my older two came hopping and skipping out of school, and I feel very lucky to be able to be at home and have this time with them.

But, I will be hotfooting it back to the workplace once they are all in school!!

Fiddledee completely understand. You are staying at home partly for yourself (as you'd miss the DC), and partly for the children. As long as it's not all for the children, because as I say, it may not necessarily be better for them, esp if you are bored and miserable.

Re your experience - I agree, I do think it depends very much on the childcare - we had a great nanny followed by some not-so-good ones and the difference to us as DCs was really big, which is why I said it depends on whether you can find a good nanny.

If only there were more any high flying but low hours careers.

Threelittleducks - Thankyou

I was bored at first but that was before I learned to enjoy the freedom and my own company. After the initial adjustment, i love it. I have time for studying and just general time to do stuff with DC. It's less stressful as you know you can always be there and not have to worry about sickness, childcare etc. Of course, it isn't for everyone but there is usually an adjustment and becoming unattatched to the labour market.

"Fiddledee Wed 25-May-11 18:20:37
Xenia I'm dying to go back to work, I gave a six figure salary and I think it would take me several years if ever to get back to my old position even if I go back full time, also I would have to work long hours & travel. DH often travels abroad, without a full time live in nanny for several years we can't make it work. I'm not sure its fair on the kids if both parents work flat out. "

Why should your career be less than his? Why isn't Mr Wonderful at home dealing with sick whilst you are on and off planes? Why do women tolerate the dull stuff? Don't let that happen.

Beesimo - I have to take a 2 year old everywhere with me, so I don't need to sit at home but a 2 year old won't be doing volunteer work with me. Can't commit to anything in the evenings as DH travels alot and erratically.

Minipie thanks for responding - I think I would miss the children too much if I did go back to my old job. Its good that you had a positive experience as a child but I had a negative experience of going to a childminder after school - I'm sure a nanny and going back to my own home would have helped though.