Bored by full-time motherhood

I've been a SAHM for three years now, and though I never saw myself as the "mother earth" type before having children, and didn't even really like kids, I do on balance love it.

Yes there is a lot of boring drudgery that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. Oh to be rich and have someone do all the housework and cooking!

I love playing with my toddler and baby and if there was someone to do all the shite stuff for me every day, I would happily play with them for most of the day. I find them funny and interesting and they make me laugh more than anyone else ever has, and I like getting down on the floor with them and playing silly games. This must make me infantile! I read a lot of mums here on MN saying they hate this part of parenting, and I can really understand that, even though I love it. I think if you hate it then being a SAHP is a really bad idea as imo this is really the most rewarding part of being a SAHP - playing, going to feed the ducks, etc etc, so if you hate all that get back to work pronto imo!!

For me the other perks of being a SAHM (aside from the kids) are:

1. having head space to think about who I am and where I want to go in life, what I really want out of life, in terms of work, family, finance, spiritual fulfilment, health and fitness, hobbies etc, in other words working out what my priorities are and will be, and I think so far this has made me a stronger more mature person.

1. taking advantage of this opportunity to improve the skills I will need for getting back into my career, in my case keeping up and improving my French and Spanish (so listening to the radio, reading newspapers and novels, keeping up with my industry, etc) and learning a new language

1. again using the head space to make myself psychologically stronger (v important as many have said here being a SAHM can make you mental !) reflecting on my past feelings and decisions at different stages in my life, coming to terms with past hurts and practicing ways to be a more positive thinker and emotionally stronger person. In my case this "section" includes learning about buddhism, meditation, spiritual faith, yoga.

1. enjoying the outdoors and nature - who said being a SAHP meant you had to sit at home? A real perk is to be rolling around on the grass with my kids on a sunny afternoon instead of sitting in front of my computer ruining my vision.

I know these perks are personal to me OP, but I hope they may give you some ideas or a new perspective maybe? Use this time to make yourself stronger in ways work can't! When you're back working you mightn't have the chance. Remember this is just for a time and then you have the rest of your life to work.

See, I wouldn't be bored as a SAHM. At all. I have always worked full time since my (only) child was 12 weeks old.I love the the fact that my job now - not previously, I worked in an office til he was three and I went back to do a PGCE- means that I don't have to find childcare for holidays - if I am working at school in hols, my son can come with and racket around the playground with carefully chosen friend spend time with me. Damned hard to spend any time with him other than tea and bed time during term time though.

But I would LOVE to do all that hobby/spend time with friends/ do interesting visits stuff, that we can only do when not at work.

I am unashamedly jealous and a bit that if we do manage to have number two, I will have to go back to full time work asap.

Grass always greener?

Sorry you aren't feeling happy, OP, and I hope things will sort themselves/you will reconcile yourself to situation soon. x

I really enjoyed the first few years at home - but it has slowly it ground me down. I had plans to keep my OU study going but money and time turned out to be in very short supply and I've only just got back to it.

I want to volunteer but have found nothing suitable for September so far when I'll be down to one at home.

What getting me down at the minute is a lot of my friends are trickling back to work or training - they have family childcare available to bridge gap between starting work and getting childcare in place - we don't. DH is away a lot and works long hours and I think I've shot myself in the foot as childcare has always been down by me - he doesn't get the cost or the fact you have to be there at certain time. I'm also conflicted not wanting to miss school vents for the younger ones but desperate not to end up stuck at home forever and becoming irrelevant.

I try and make the most of the time - and having them around but it can be so hard especially if its a bad day and conversation at toddler groups can be so repetitive. If I could get a plan fixed for the future and get past the fear that I am stuck forever at home - I'd be happier.

You so not alone boredtodeath.

i think society presents us with a strange picture of the sahm. either we're martyred to the cause, constantly baking, dusting, stimulating the sprogs, or we're in joyous ecstasy with the sacred task in hand, endlessly patient and giving.

i have been a sahm for 8 1/2 years and relate to EVERYTHING on this thread - including the contradictory ones. i think that this makes me a normal, changeable, contradictory human being. my time ah is about to end as my youngest starts school in sept and i feel very conflicted about it, and that's not because i have somehow lost my identity, or confidence, or employability (i've studied and worked here and there for the whole time, but very sporadically). it's more to do with the fact that, for all the boredom (and there has been a lot of that), drudgery etc, i genuinely believe that being ah with my preschool children is the most important job i can do, and i will miss having such a valuable task. the tedium doesn't invalidate the job.

i recognise that the op hasn't chosen to be a sahm. but, op, until you get a job (which you will), can you find ways of shifting your prespective? there are some great suggestions on how to not lose the plot on this thread. while i take issue with the somewhat sanctimonious tone of some of the posters, i would agree that it's your life, and, to a certain extent, up to you to determine how bored you get.

for me, sahm-hood is freedom. i'm kinda invisible, and i like that. i love that i have a completely different relationship with myself because of my "time out" from the world. i know myself much, much better. and i'd rather have my life ruled (not that it is) by my lovely children than the Man!

boredtodeath - no YA definately NBU!
I often have times like this. I work two days a week and have 2 DCs. I LOVE working 2 days a week as it's a holiday in comparison to being at home. I am definately not a 'get-down-on-the-floor-play-with-kids' type of mum. Though my DP loves playing with them. I quite often feel guilty about that as we're always told, 'enjoy these years, they grow so quickly'.

Anyway sometimes I literally feel so frustrated with being a SAHM. I am bascially repeating the same domestic tasks again and again and again. I am at the beck and call of what my DCs need. Of course it is not any other way as I am taking care of their basic needs. I have given up on toddler groups, I can't face it the second time round. I am terrible at joining in at the playground especially when my DS wants me to play pirates or something. And I don't do arts and crafts. Still I do feel quite guilty about it all.

I know a mum who is just the most cheerful, happy person, with really calm kids. She's always baking, or doing arts and crafts etc and she loves it. She's always wanted to be a mum. I did always want to be a mum also but I thought i'd enjoy it more.

Anyway I sound completely moany but not meaning to be, i just find it quite difficult. And just completely empathising with you OP.

Just when i think i can't be arsed with MN anymore, a thread like this pops up which makes you realise how unique, life-affirming and useful it can be. i applaud everyone for their eloquence and honesty: it certainly makes me feel better (currently SAHM, through circumstance as opposed to choice - relocation abroad etc.). yes, working and being a parent is tough, but - for me - it was infinitely less tricky than i find being a SAHM, however much i love my child.

Recently i have a had a recurring dream where i am back in my final year of university trying to alter my future path - and this after a successful decade of a fulfilling career and a beautiful (now nearly 3yo) son, living "the dream" (ironic emoticon)in a beautiful part of the world with a caring partner...where did it all go right, yet somehow feel so wrong at times? i really have little constructive to add, just to say i'm glad i'm not alone in sometimes contemplating the day ahead with dread and guilt.

I am going to do further study. I've been doing an MSc and working part-time and find that the days I am off with my son and study are the best balance for me. I don't think I could do five days a week at home and just fit study around it so I hope to find funding so I can access some childcare. For me, I find it easier to be structured with study and switch it on and off than I can with work because I am better with self-directed projects than doing a lot of the bureacratic stuff required in my salaried post.. so I am hoping that will give me balance over the "small children" years and keep up my skills etc.

Everyone has to find their own way.

There's a book called "Maternal Desire" about this, author escapes me. It was at our local library. I found it very thought provoking.. about reflecting on what you want as a woman (which is different for different people).

I find huge amounts ofthe time I spend with my son hugely rewarding and always much more so than work (even though I find that very rewarding). It's different, more elemental. However, when I was on extended mat leave at 13 months, I found that not having the time to have an "intellectual me" prevented me from being able to be totally there in the moment with him. That's what I get out of the slowness of being at home and it's what I can give to, to me it feels very much like I am in touch with something that feels very real when compared to the next crappy work email etc. That's the luxury of the choice that you can have to stay home when all things are equal and the money is there.. you can have some of those moments and fuck it, they are precious.

Yet it's not the whole picture, it's not everything. One day he will grow up and I don't want to be that mother who has given everything to her kids who feels swallowed alive by her empty nest. I don't think that's what I want to model either, not to him or any future daughter or DIL I may have.

It doesn't bother me what any other woman decides to do, I don't understand the bile that's reserved by some for those who have chosen a different lifestyle to their own.. but I think this SAHM/Part Timer/WOHM/WAHM stuff is complex.

does anyone really think a SAHM stays at home all day every day, if they do they are seriously lacking imagination. i have been a SAHM for 4 1/2 years now and i wish the days were longer, i have some really good friends, some that work and some that don't. we go out almost every day, adult company and conversation, as and when i want it. interesting and sometimes bizzare conversations with DD. how can that be boring?

Threelittleducks-Brilliantly written (all of it). You SHOULD write a book.

Threelittleducks try looking up your local branch of a charity you're intereted in, check out if you have a local volunteer council (google it), check your council website for committees/opportunities you can join and tell them what you have to offer.

I can honestly say without the volunteer work I would have gone round the twist. I've been offered jobs on the back of it (not jobs that fit with my plan but jobs that are interesting) but that's not the reason I do it. I donut because it makes me feel useful, valuable and like I actually have a brain.

Be persistent. Be flexible in what you take on (you can always swap to something else later) but stick to things that work around you.

I feel for you Christine - that sounds tough. I count my blessings to have my dh - even if we drive each other up the wall sometimes, I can't imagine having nobody to talk to at all (although it is harder sometimes iyswim, as we do only have each other. Sometimes it might be better if it was just me as I find I rely on him - if it was just me I would be more likely to hold it together for longer. Not sure if that's a good thing or not!)
I remember my mum getting childcare as a single parent and how much of a lifeline that was.
I do understand the lonliness. I think that's the worst bit. Well-meaning people pop in and out, but what they don't understand is that I need consistency!

Xenia for the record my DH has volunteered to swap roles - however, after several years out his career has over taken mine, plus his is more stable and mine is more cyclical so it makes financial sense that his career is pushed.

I still think that most young children would prefer spending their time with a bored parent than a worker at a nursery (some of whom are as bored as the parent I'm sure).

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I would die of boredom within weeks as a stay at home mum. School holidays are lovely (I'm a teacher) but always very glad to get back to work again after them.

Years ago I can remember talking to my first friend to have a child (think we were 17ish) and asking her what she'd been up to that day or something. She said "well we got dressed and had breakfast and went for a walk to the park to feed the ducks. That was the morning gone". I could feel myself tightening up in horror and thinking that I would NEVER have children if that's what they did to what was once your life!!

I never did have children intentionally but once I knew I was having them I knew I'd have to stay working to stay sane. I'm afraid I put them into day nursery at 2 months old each time! I don't believe it did them any harm and if it has then I think it's done them less harm than being around me all day every day while I went quietly insane. They're 8 and 4 now and delightful to be with just ... not all day every day thank you!

I feel for you OP.

threelittleducks - brave and wonderful posts. I feel like that sometimes and I've only been a SAHM for six months. And I work sometimes AND my DS is in childcare two days. But the days feel very long. And lonely. Being a single parent, I need to work - otherwise I don't talk to another adult for days on end sometimes.

Thanks so much Norman.
My problem is that I know what I want to do, I just have no idea on how to achieve it. That's a good start though :)
Thank you.

Go on to google and look up volunteering opportunities for your area - there are many small charities desperate to tap in to possibilities for online marketing and social networking. There are many other things such as compiling newsletters etc.

I too recognise everything you've said ThreeLittleDucks. Well said.

Minipie my practice area is quite specialised and nobody is hiring. In any event, the legal profession is not child friendly and I am very reluctant to put my children into the sort of childcare they would need. My children would not see either of their parents if we were both doing the sort of hours DH does. Like everyone else, I'm holding on for the school years and the hope that I can get back into some kind of work.

Can you please enlighten me on how to even start doing this kind of volunteering? I would love to do something like that, so so much!

I volunteer from home handling charity's website, twitter, facebook, email newsletters etc. It is a charity for a sector I hope to work in after training so I get to make contacts, attend events etc.

It's good to have a plan. I have bored DP to tears for three years about 'the plan.' maybe the plan will never become reality. Maybe I'll just wait for my DD's to phone occasionally, shed a tear and feed the cats.

YANBU, not at all, I was murderous when on ML, especially the second time. I'm back at work now and it's tough going, but easier on everyone that I'm sane!

Hope things improve for you x

I totally applaud your post, ThreeLittleDucks and recognise everything you've described. I'm in the middle of a 2nd year of maternity leave with DS2, 4 months, and DS1, 3 years. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

YANBU, OP. I am right there with you. I know I want to give DS2 a year with me before resuming work 3 days a week because I feel that is the best thing for him, but it is so, so hard.

I do volunteering with no childcare. Basically anything that can be done on my iPhone or at night - so I look after a Twitter feed, Facebook page, deal with enquiries via email, do the odd article, give my opinion on local healthcare issues, organise meet ups/activities I can take DS to, do the odd deal for advertising, do research.

I volunteer for NCT and my local LINK but there are other opportunities out there for volunteer opportunities where you don't need childcare.

I do it for selfish reasons. And my sanity.

Norman - That's horrible! That's what I'm on about - the attitude of other people! Many a time I have managed to stand at a family party and have everyone else in the room's opinions asked except mine - it's like I'm a non-entity sometimes. And yes, it is the stasis. I feel so much pent-up potential building all the time.

I want to do some volunteering...but no childcare. Would love to start my own group...oops, no childcare. I have so many ideas in my head - I could make a fortune. If I had any level of support around me.
I wonder how many women feel the same.
I would write a book about it...but no childcare at all, so completely knackered (plus still have an OU course which I am doing to keep myself 'busy'. Ha! As if I need something else to do! [gimmers] )

Why is there never any wine in the house when I need it?

I know there is a bit of shortage of part time jobs.... well ones that pay reasonably anyway, but if there is anyway you could work part time I would highly recommend it.

I do three days a week and I love it. I'm keeping my hand in, earning money and best of all I still get four days to spend a week to spend with DS. And not being there everyday makes me really appreciate and enjoy it when I am.