...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

Why do you have to put up with them for rest of time?
You're not married and have no children. Why don't you just get out of it?

Why on earth would you post this on AIBU and not on the step-families board?

TBH even the step board on mn can be hard going so i would second nell's suggestion of childless stepmothers (don't mind the name, many do have children).

I would just note that there is another thread at the moment where the OP is pointing out how difficult she finds her 11 year old DD and she has received a lot of sympathy and is NOT being vilified for how sher feels. I do think that the tone of your OP was unfortunate (I realise that you probably needed to vent) but think it is a shame that you would never get the same kind of sympathy/support as a bioogical mother on MN having difficulties with their child.

So you've been with your partner for 3 years and you don't live together, he doesn't want to have children with you (not unreasonable given that you already have 3 children between you) and you hate his daughter? I don't think your relationship is going anywhere and I think you need to find a man who is prepared to give you what you. want

No child is awful, they can be difficult through life's experiences.

YABVU. "should you split up with someone you love because you don't like their children"?

if you don't love their children yes you should. it's not fair on the children at all. you had the choice to enter this relationship. they, poor loves, did not have that choice. i'm one who believes you marry the package, not just the partner.

I read the OP and can't believe that you are serious.
If you love a man with DCs, you get the DCs for life, they are part of him.
The warning bells should go off for him and he should stop seeing you. It doesn't matter that you don't get on, you are the adult and it is your job to find a way. If you can't you walk away.
You can't have the man without the children and any man who would give them up for a woman wouldn't be a good choice of partner.

I've just read your last post and DSD sounds a bit troubled, to be frank.

Aggression, rudeness, and spite aren't acceptable in volumes this high. Other people flee and she's doing herself no good either.

Regardless of whether calling a child awful is, er, awful, DSD sounds like she needs a touch of counselling. Not a) being allowed to get away with it - thanks, Dad b) being rejected, which is what she's at risk of from you.

She's eleven - high time to tackle it. You'll probably be attacked for suggesting she see a counsellor but if you can get away with it, I would try, for DSD sake.

But if it turns out the only people DSD is filthy to are you and your family, then, er, that's a problem for you.

Iris - wish you had given full information to begin with (and maybe had a softer title).

It does sound tough; I am not here to judge you. Do you think that she has a problem? I am not an expert, but she may actually require a little help and support. Though, judging from you DP's reaction I don't suppose that you can bring this up or suggest it. Do any of his close friends find this of her and can suggest anything to him? If she gets support to work through issues it might help in the future and be in her best interests.

I do think though that if this is such an issue within your relationship and cannot be resolved that in the end it might be what drives you apart.

I had a Stepmother like you. Our mum died young and left four young children. My dad remarried quite quickly,from day one she made our lives a misery.She was insanely jealous of our late mum and i can't help but wonder if this is what lies behind your dislike for your stepdaughter? Be honest everytime you look at her is it that you are reminded of his once love for another. Your stepdaughter is eleven...eleven for gods sake ,reading your comments I don't think you will change so go and leave them in peace. By the way, for balance i have known some people lucky enough to have fabulous step parents.

Have you tried teaching her the right way to interact with people? In a nice way obviously. Like saying "when you say that about so and so it doesn't sound nice". "You should try saying "hello" when you are introduced to knew people otherwise they won't want to talk to you" etc

She's not childless Nell -that's the scary part!

Iris , not read all the replies , as most are predictable . Have you taken a look at the 'childless stepmothers' forum ? You can find it if you Google it . These people can talk from experience having been in your shoes . They understand the complexities that come with being a stepmother, especially in the early stages of a relationship when things are difficult . They are non judgmental and are capable of acknowledging that you may love a man , but not his kids , and most have navigated these issues successfully . I would suggest you are best placed to seek advise there .

YABU but look on the bright side, you've got a great future as a character in a Grimm fairytale.

YANBU OP - yr DSD might well be grim, but tell us why or you risk BU.

Some posters do feel very threatened by the idea of step-parents not being identical in every way to parents.

It's easy to be sarky about the ranters but prob easier in every way to focus on the constructive comments.

You can't automatically switch on love for anyone, let alone someone you happen to find irritating at the moment. But if you are going to stay with your man it is your lot to try and improve the relationship with his daughter. For your own sake, you should open up the possibility of being fond of her.

What does your DP's ex (DSD's mum) think? Is she a decent sort and reliable mum?

If she is, I would venture to suggest that what DSD needs is a good stepmother, not a second mother.

I have a step parent just like you. My stepfather described me in the way that you describe her, she's 11 - same age that I was. I moved out when I was 15 because of him, my mum is my best friend but she couldn't leave him for me and that still hurts.

You have no idea what your doing to her, you're the adult and are behaving like this? Please get out of their lives now! At least she doesn't have to live with you.

I can't believe what a bitch you are. She's 11 and knows full well you hate her. I'm not surprised she dislikes you - I'm hardly warming to you myself. It's people like you that give step parenting a bad name - some are lovely, why can't you be? She's a child. Look at yourself and at least apologise.

I'm an adult stepdaughter and divorced mother of two. Frankly you sound positively horrendous and unwilling to make the grown-up effort needed to make a relationship with a man who has a family work. (And no, I don't speak from the perspective of one who was rejected as a child by my stepmother although she is a nasty piece of work too - I was just fortunate enough not to meet her when I was a child).

The explanations as to why your boyfriend's DD is the way she is have already been given, I can only agree with them and with the remark that as an adult you should know that. You say that you don't live together - I hope for his child's sake he has the decency to ensure that this remains the case until you can become a little more tolerant of the child.

i shouldnt worry, give it a couple of years and she will be refusing to see you and will be old enough to have her wishes taken into account! thank god!

Yes it is possible to love and like your step children!

Now I don't love my DSS the way I love my DS, because DS is my biological child. I love him the way I love my nieces and nephew. I care deeply about his welfare and his happiness.

He is part of my DH and part of what makes DH the man I love.

It's not too late to mend some bridges with you DSD - can you not try and find some kind of common ground, find out what she enjoys doing and spend some time getting to know her?

I think you need to give some examples of how she is so awful.

You say she talks like a 4yo . . . is that her fault? Does she chose to do that, does she have learning difficulties or is that how she has be taught?

You also say she is humourless. In what way? She just has no sense of humour? Can she help that though? We are as we are.

Look AIBU really isn't the place for this.

I am a stepmum and yes I really love my step children but it didn't happen overnight. 11 was the worst time actually and inside I was frustrated with it. I think the question is do you WANT to love her?
Would you like her to just disappear? Because that's what it sounds like. She is her own person and is not sure of you. Are you actually kind to her?

She is eleven years old.

What the hell is your excuse?

OP. You say your DP won't have more children because it's 'too complicated'. I really don't want to sound too mean but do you think he could be trying to tell you he doesn't see any future with you?

'Why can't you criticise a child to his/her parent? Maybe it would do her some good to be told to be nicer to people, not to be unpleasant to her brother, not to walk off when Daddy's attention falls away from her for two seconds, not to nitpick everything grwon ups say and disagree with them?'

What are you hoping to achieve by criticising her to her dad? Trying to make him choose between the two of you? You know who is going to lose that one, surely? If he tells her off she will hate him and hate you more for getting between them.

Be nicer to people, be nice to her brother, stop nitpicking, stop being a perfectly normal 11 year old girl, essentially, is what you seenm to want, and just because you can't deal with it and are taking it all so painfully personally? You come across as someone who knows absolutely nothing about teenage and preteen girls. Nothing.

''Why can't you criticise a child to his/her parent? Maybe it would do her some good to be told to be nicer to people, not to be unpleasant to her brother, not to walk off when Daddy's attention falls away from her for two seconds, not to nitpick everything grwon ups say and disagree with them?''

Those aren't critisisms.

She needs someone that cares about her to teach her how to behave, not critizise her for displaying her upset in a not very articulate 11 yo way. She probably does Know how to behave, but she doesn't when she is around the new woman in her Daddy's life. Firstly because said woman obviously dislikes her intensely (whether you are lovely or not, she will know), and secondly because she is not old enough to deal with all her emotions in an adult way.

As an adult, you should know that.