...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

PLease please please try and give more love and support to his daughter.

I had 2 stepmothers when I was growing up - one between the ages of 4 and 11 and the other from 13 till now. The first one hated me - actually banned my Dad from seeing me - and he went along with it. She was horrible to me and did me untold emotional damage. No child deserves to be treated like that.

Well good luck in finding a forum that will treat you more kindly for admitting that you wish your BF daughter didnt exist, that you never want to see her again and resent the effect she has on your life. I think you will struggle!

You are NOT her stepmother, you are her fathers girlfriend and that is a very different thing. You have no right to criticise him, her mother, their parenting or their daughter. If you were sharing your home with the girl by living with her father then you would have more of a say but as it stands, you have no say at all.

So I see it that you either put up with it to keep your relationship with her father, accepting that you will never have more children and probably wont live together or get married.

Or you cut your losses, accept that you differing views on this will never be reconciled and move on.

The "she did/I did" argument is redundant. Either you think you can sort this out, by you and your DP both compromising and working together or you dont. Personally, I think that it is unlikely given that he wont discuss it and you dont seem to be able to consider the childs needs over your own.

"To the poster who suggested I might be jealous of their mother,"

But she has the one thing that it looks like you´ll never have-his children.

OP, here's a bit of perspective from the other side.

My SM has been very hostile to me at times, in very similar terms to the ones you've used to describe your DP's daughter. She has said she experiences me as manipulative, cold, unfriendly and hostile to her.

From where I was sitting, I was reserving judgement until I knew her a bit better. I was happy that dad had found someeone, but wanted to hold off from being all gushy and 'we're BFFs now'-ish until I had more of a sense of who she was. She interpreted that as mean, cold and hostile, the fights kicked off, it's unlikely that we'll ever be on more than chilly and formal terms now.

I suspect that stepmother/stepdaughter relationships are particularly fraught, perhaps because there's an element of competition: daddy's girl vs daddy's girlfriend. Your stepdaughter is also approaching puberty, which will kick that up another 18,000 gears.

I really wanted my SM to make an effort, get to know me, in effect win me over. She thought I should automatically love her, and kicked off with tantrums and name-calling when I didn't.

My circs were a bit different, as I was in my twenties when dad remarried. In this case you're the adult, and I'm afraid it's up to you to try and win this girl over. Please try and win her over. She's part of your DP's life just as you are, and I would hate for you to end up abandoning your relationship, or destroying a troubled adolescent's relationship with her Dad, just because you can't be the bigger person.

I'm not jealous though because it was quite a sad relationship that dp wanted to get out of for years. He feels he wasted her life and wishes he'd been bolder and left earlier. He wishes he hadn't had children with her, although of course doesn't regret having the kids.

Poor kid. In her eyes, you were responsible for splitting up her parents. No wonder she doesnt like you very much. :(

I would agree that if she literally has not looked anyone in the eye for years you should be concerned about her, it's a really extreme reaction and you can stand on your soapbox and shout that she's just a little so-and-so all you want... It's not going to change anything.

Maybe if you tried to find out what was wrong whether it was some kind if SEN/mental health issue or just that she is struggling to cope and help that would make a difference.

Not all children are particularly likeable. But they are children, they are reacting inarticulately to a difficult world, and they can change.

It's unfair and incredibly cruel that you have written her off like this.

That is why you're getting a pasting.

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 2. When I was about 11 my Mum got into a very serious relationship with a bloke I didn't like - I think they were considering moving in together. I HATED him, I thought (and still think) that he was a slimy toad and my Mum could do much better. I was awful to him, because I didn't like him. I even had hte talk from him about how much he loved my Mum and how much he cared for me and my brother I basically told him I didn't like him and never would. He and my Mum split up. I still think I did the right thing - he was horrible.

Just trying to give another perspective

'He goes mental at the idea that I don't want to spend every other weekend with him and his kids, rather than just calmly being able to talk about it.'

Wouldn't you if the situation was reversed? How calm would you be if he said he only wanted to see you and found your son intensely annoying and so did his friends and family? You seem completely unable to put yourself in anyone else's shoes here. And do you really want a man who would throw children overboard for you?

Totally agree, pagwatch.

Mathanxiety You put it perfectly as "shameful". Thats exactly what it is.

And childish, demanding and spoilt to boot.

Can I just say, and I should stress that I am not diagnosing a child over the Internet, that people with very poor social skills can be hard to like iyswim. Nit only because they arecawkward in their interatcions with you but also because they can be very difficult to get any kind of emotional reaction from.

That can gradually lead you to an unconscious assumption that you cannot hurt them. Which is far from the truth.
You overlay their lack of response with your hurt and embarrassment that they seem indifferent to you.
This can make you quite angry.

If they combine thatvwith a high handed manner, again as part of their condition, this desire to create a reaction can grow.

I am only saying that a closed down person is not neutral. Your hurt, discomfort, embarrassment, impotence can make you want to do anything to get them hurt back.

Not sure if I am making sense.

Either way an adult should always see the child and put such selfish reaction to one side

I have known dp and his children for many, many years and she was exactly the same when she wasn't a tween

Are you the reason that his marriage to this childs mother broke up then?

That would go a long way to answering why she feels she has nothing to say to you.

I think it says a lot about you that you refer yourself as being a stepmother and not the correct terminology of 'my boyfriend's daughter', perhaps an exaggerated sense of self-importance? Methinks that this is the case here.

i do beeive that the op has said that she treats the child with respect at all times.

i also think it is ok to say that some children are just bloody awful to be around and this must be especially hard if you are a step parent to one of them.

not all children are adorable, some are insufferable in fact ime

She sees her father every other weekend maybe? And you hop on her for wanting her father's undivided attention when she's with him for that weekend?

It's not just because this is AIBU that the OP is getting such a pasting. I have never seen such vitriol directed at a child on MN.

But you do have a family of your own! And regardless of your protestations about how wonderful you are towards your partner's daughter, she knows exactly how you feel about her and is acting accordingly. You say yourself that she craves her father's attention. Of course she does, she is an 11 year old child whose father walked out at least three years ago, so aged around 8, and she , like so many children in similar circumstances doesn't understand why her daddy isn't there at home like the daddies of her friends. She probably wonders whether she was the cause of him leaving. She is probably jealous of someone who appears /does spend more time with her daddy than she does. Is it any wonder that she is cold and frosty towards you. If your parents have truly been in teaching for the length of time you claim, they will have seen similar situations many times over those years. I know I regularly see children at school for whom the break quip of their parents relationship is absolutely devastating. OTOH, if she is truly the most strange child they have ever met, it is possible that she does have some form of SN. Either way, I thought my step-mother was bad enough, but compared to the impression you give, she was an absolute dream!

OP- What are you, some kind of pantomime or fairy tale wicked stepmother?

Take the advice on this thread and leave if you cannot see your way to behaving like an adult in the relationship with your poor little stepdaughter. If you believe for a second that your SD does not know how much you dislike her, you are seriously deluded. By 11, girls in particular are extremely emotionally attuned. She knows perfectly well that you prefer your DS and her brother to her- how else would you expect her to behave? Suck up to you all the time, try to get you to like her, be on "best behaviour" at all times? Not going to happen. She has nothing to lose by pissing you off and it's only going to get worse as she gets into her teens. You have a window of opportunity to remedy this if you take a lot of a advice and do this the right way. Even then there are no guarantees after 3 years of this.

I just cannot believe some people- you haven't even got the status of being an actual stepmother who is married to the father yet you think you should call the shots.
Unbelievable.

"I have known dp and his children for many, many years and she was exactly the same when she wasn't a tween. Yes, she has no social skills and comes across as extremely rude, but she is also cursed with a terrible superiority complex. She is unkind to people and ridicules them. She doesn't have 'strops' but she is quietly manipulative and can turn the mood of a day so that everyone has a rotten time.
She just isn't very nice. Why is it OK to say that about an adult, but if you say it about a child it's DREADFUL? Some people aren't very nice."

Because you are supposedly an adult and supposedly above it all and able to step back and stop taking it so personally and not object to every fibre of a child's being. She's not "people", she's a child*. You don't judge a child by the same standards you would apply to a colleague or another adult. You are coming across as incredibly immature. That is what is dreadful.

'I can live with her not being very nice, the issue is her father and how he handles it, isn't it? He goes mental at the idea that I don't want to spend every other weekend with him and his kids, rather than just calmly being able to talk about it. He makes excuses for her and says she is absolutely fine with 'other people'. My family and friends have all met her and found her the most strange and rude child they have ever met (my parents were in teaching for decades) They feel sorry for me for being in this situation, I am not regarded as a terrible ogre. PS I don't call her 'awful' to him. Or strange.'

OP, there is no hope for this relationship. The issue is that you and this man have a completely different idea of how to handle this child. I suspect you have burned your boats already with him where his DD is concerned. You can't accept his view of his DD. He won't back down and listen to your pov. You really do want him to choose between his DCs and you if you are campaigning for child free weekends with him. That is simply not going to happen, and really, how dare you even suggest it, that he should give up his weekends with them essentially, or go elsewhere with them when he has them for the weekend.

What I see in your reference to your friends and relatives sharing your pov and finding this child strange and rude is a really ugly picture. Tell us you haven't gone whining to a large group of people and tried to turn them against this child, or gossiped with them about her behind her (much smaller than your) back. Shameful.

You are showing yourself to be really pretty manipulative, stroppy and not very nice yourself where this child is concerned, not to mention cold and unkind and cursed with a superiority complex, imo.

You have known this man three years, so you have had three years to bond with his children, you should at least care for their wellbeing.

Nowhere is it written that we have to like our partners children. Sometimes you have to tolerate.

She may well be a troubled child, you are either going to have to put up with her, or reconsider your relationship with her father.

The child sounds as if she has problems with social skills.
Whether she has aspergers or asd or is just troubled or unhsooy - whatever - it seems a shame to me that you and your teacher parents and friends all meet her and agree that an 11 year old child can be strange and awful.

I don't think many children that young, and you talk about this as having been the cas for several years, chose to be disliked. She has learnt behaviour or behaviour arising from distress or from a condition.
It really doesn't matter. She needs consistent, firm, caring support.
Your bestvresult would be to assist with her getting that. Rather than standing on the side lines calling her names.

Fwiw, I think you should re post elsewhere. This is not a good place to post such a hostile op about a child, however earnest your clarifications

She's not even your stepdaughter FFS. She's your boyfriend's daughter.

I'm just guessing here, and may well be wrong, but I think that probably he's waiting for a better offer from someone who isn't selfish and spiteful. Why on earth would he want more children with you? All that would achieve is a bigger divide between his first children and yours. You will make him choose. He is probably scared that you will have favourites amongst your own children, or ask him to. No woman (and certainly not you ) is worth damaging your children over. He sounds very sensible, his only fault being that he is with you at all.

Loved the Grimm character comment, I'm thinking there might be more to this...