...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

I wonder what the OP would do if her boyfriend hated her children? Put them first and leave? Or 'choose' him above her children?

OP, you are not this girl's step mother. I know it has already been said, but you are her father's girlfriend. That's it. You are not your boyfriend's partner as you are not living together. Semantics? I don't think so. I have been with DH for c. 12 yrs. His son was 8 years old when we got together. The first day I referred to him as my DSS was the day DH and I got married - when I laughingly told DSS that I was now his wicked stepmother.

If you cannot see that your boyfriend's children would form part of your family, then you have no hope of making this work. What about your own son in all of this? You say you have no family, what about your son??

Shame on you OP. You sound cold and selfish. Your boyfriend's DD is probably terrified of you. I dare you to show your bf this thread, as you believe to be so right in what you say. I reckon your wish would come true if you did, and you would never, ever see your 'step-daughter' again as long as you live.

if you were my step mum i would hate you too.

No worries - Iris - I didn't mean to tell you where to post, just pointing out that AIBU tends to get harsh reactions and step parent imperfections even more so here on MN. I think that more people on MN see issues from the point of view of the step-children as many have been in that position and it is clear that many of them have had fairly terrible experiences hence the strong views and opinions.

Your OP was very harsh - I am suspecting that perhaps you have just had a weekend with your partners children and it was a tough one?

If you do post on the step-parents forum here or on another forum such as Childless Stepmums you will see that in most cases the biggest problem is not the step-kids but the parents dealing with their own issues though the kids and a particular issue is the absent parent (usually the dad sadly) not wanting to face up to issues with their children's behaviour even in cases where there are clearly behavioural issues or even just deep-seated emotional issues caused by their parents separation/divorce. In situations such as this it can be very difficult as your opinions on the child's behaviour are just ignored or written off as being motivated by your jealousy etc (no doubt sometimes they are).

Even if you do post on another more sympathetic forum, I would suggest that you make your introductory post a little less inflamatory!

FWIW, I think it is harsh to castigate you for referring to yourself as the children's step mum. If you and your DP are in a long term relationship to the point where you have discussed children etc then this is what you are effectively. I am surprised that some on this thread seem to see marriage as the be all and end all in determining the status or importance of a relationship!

Finally, I lived for weekends when I was working (currently on maternity leave) and can only imagine how hard it is to have every second weekend taken up with children which are not your own especially in a situation where there are clearly issues. You need to find a way to be able to talk to your partner properly and have him respect your views but this can't be on the basis of you never wanting to see her again. The other side to that is that you also need to learn that you will not have the same say over your step-childrens upbringing as with your own children and learn to detach from this. Finally you either have to accept that the every second weekend scenario is your life now or move on.

DP has three daughters with his ex. I have one ds. I would love to have a child with DP BUT he, quite rightly, points out that we already have four between us! We split up about this briefly last year (we don't live together as yet). When we were in the process of getting back together, he said one thing which resonated with me... that if I want to be with him, I should want to be with HIM. That one day the children will leave and it will be just him and me. I still want to be with him despite the fact we probably won't have a child together. You don't get everything you want in life. There are more issues though from what you are saying OP (haven't read the whole thread). His girls are tricky at times (as is my ds), one is 11 and it is a funny age! But I adore those girls. They're just kids.

Have told dh I will haunt him should anything happen to me and he foolishly take up with a viper like the OP.

Presumably if you want children with someone you don't involved with them unless you agree over that issue.

Stepkids aside...id dump him on the grounds that he doesnt want children

and while I'm here, it utterly pisses me off when twats assume people disagree with them because they have no experience or don't understand. Morons.
I've had 3 stepmothers, I'm a fucking expert on this thread.

ah, I see. Thats actually even more annoying.

I echo whoever said OP isn't a step-mother, even a shitty one.

Buzzlightyear.

No, thats just her crap punctuation, which makes the post bloody hard to read.

She is saying that is what the boyfriend has said.

Poor girl...

oh what coldtists said with bloody bells on

grow up

If this is for real, you need to leave him. Now.

op says you have a daughter, yet she's disappeared by the next post.

He sounds like a spineless turd, and you sound like a sociopath. The two of you deserve each other. If only there weren't three children in the way.

Thank goodness you are almost certainly just a troll with a tiny cock :)

I think you need to tell your partner you want your own child and if it is not with him find someone who is willing to have a family with you

Whether you like it or not, his kids are part of him, and they come as a whole, you cannot just get rid of them for your conveinience. You he is obviously not right for you if you despise his kids just for their existence.

"What a lovely person you sound, diddl! Your post oozes with spite and vitriol."

Yes I am lovely, thank you.

If you think I sound spiteful & vitriolic, at least it´s not aimed at an 11yr old.

I think that the OP blames the daughter for her boyfriend´s decision re children.

itchy!!

Is there a thread on NM? Would love to read it if there is! Compare and contrast and all that!

Even "huggies" can bite :o

I get the feeling that the OP was the other woman. I'm not in any position to moralise about that but if it is the case then it's clear why the boyfriend's daughter behaves as the OP says she does.

A very good point was made here - "I think it says a lot about you that you refer yourself as being a stepmother and not the correct terminology of 'my boyfriend's daughter', perhaps an exaggerated sense of self-importance? Methinks that this is the case here.".

If he is any kind of man he will put his daughter first and if so and if you don't support that 100% he will without a doubt put you last.

She's an eleven year old little girl, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Maybe if you were nicer to her your BF might change his mind. Maybe he sees how awful you are to her and that helps him make up his mind about having children with you.

As the Step-daughter to an Ice Queen who made it perfectly obvious she didnt have anytime for me, I feel very sorry for your Step Daughter.

And 11 is a very difficult age for all girls.

So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time

This sentence speaks volumes about you really. His children, awful or not, would be part of your family. He can NEVER have a family just with you. His children exist, and any children you have with him, if it happened, would be siblings of those children.