...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

Lynch mob- nope. Abuse to OP - nope Sad...yes. As you say, threefeet, peple are the way they are for a reason. Most likely the adults around them

You have made your point soundly. Children are children. We have a responsibility as adults to walk them through the huge hurdles that occur during childhood. I feel an affinity to children not my own who may need support in doing this - I only hope your measured words could open OP's eyes to doing so for her own boyfriend's child.

agree wiht prev poster - you're the adult here, so she's not nice etc - she's only 11 , truthfully I think its up to you to like her and given that you're involved with her father , maybe to encourage him to get her help she needs... aybu? y and n... but think you cant shut her out if youre going to be involved with her father then you're obliged to deal with her reasonably

She isnt the bloody stepmother!, she is just daddys girlfriend as far as the child is concerned. They dont live together.

"I really think it's better to talk about uncomfortable issues rather than to pretend that the world is all rosy and perfect and personalities
never conflict and relations are never uncomfortable and strained and unfulfilling.

It rather denies human experience, doesn't it? And we are all fallible and flawed beings trying to do the best we can."

I agree, it is better to talk about difficult issues.

However it would seem the lynch mob are out in full force so I doubt you'll get much more than abuse now.

FWIW I agree that some people just aren't nice, even as children. (A particularly manipulative girl in my primary school class springs to mind.) However the difference between children and adults is that - while they are children, at least - I really don't think it can be held to be their fault. They are that way for a reason, most likely the adults around them / experiences they have had.

And the thing about this child is that, as her stepmum, you do have some kind of responsibility to her.

Why do you think she's like it? What do you think could help her? Do you have any common ground with her?

hnpfhrgh!!! That's me choking on a laugh! A stepmother is just a 'term' you say ... when you were 11 I would have loved to have descended on you and said 'I am your step mother'.... see how that feels at 11. - OP the word mother is fortunately for most of us, more than just a 'term'.

Maybe someone should crash through your world and bring new terms for the peope in your life? Most of us earn terms of endearment, we don't foist them on others.

Mother seems an emotive word for you, as that is clearly what is lacking in your blended family world, until you bear your partner a child in your new 'real' family.

Step up, brave up, realise the effect you're having on all the children around you.

If I'm still here in a few years time, I'm sure I'll see posts supporting 'my toxic 'dad's girlfriend' posts from your step 'step-daughter/dad's girlfriend's daughter'.

Boo!

You post to intentionally provoke a strong reaction but then don't like the responses? Seems to speak volumes about the way you may behave in real life. Amongst the strong reactions, and even in them, you have been given some very solid advice and insights yet choose to ignore it in order to basically say that no one knows what they're talking about...

Agree that it is a totally pointless thread - suggest you find a different forum if you only want others to agree with and condone your behaviour. In response to your original question, YABU.

I can't understand why some people are making a fuss over the term stepmother, yes technically if you are not married to your partner then you are not 'stepmother' as such.

But 'boyfriend/girlfriends dc sounds so cold and formal to me. I call myself stepmother to mystepdaughters as I have been with my dp for 6 years, we live together and have two children of our own together and we also see rather a lot of his little girls. They are happy to refer to me 'stepmother' as does their mum.

I'm sure my sd would feel pretty pissed off if I started to refer to them as 'my boyfriends daughters'

I do feel slightly sorry for the op, aibu not the best place to admit that all is not well with you and your sd relationship, its not easy to admit too either. I have felt rage, frustration many times at my sd but managed to hide it. It's not easy being a stepparent believe me and its difficult to like them sometimes but they are a part of my dp and I do love them.

what a pointless thread

I'm sorry but you need help with your emotions and interpretation of this situation.

If you can find a family therapist, that will help, but from what I've read you may well think they're horrible/clueless because they don't agree with you.

he says she is absolutely fine with 'other people'

So DP is saying her behaviour is different with others. This makes sense. You don't.

You have to realise that she more than likely perceives you as stealing "her family" as she is unlikely to want to blame her Mum or Dad. She probably will for sometime, if not forever. That's life.

Also there may well be emotional issues with the father of your DS. You split when he was 1 ?

Back to what I (and others) posted right at the start then. He says he doesn't want more kids. Is that a deal breaker for you?

BTW I assumed from you saying 'instead of having a family of my own' in the OP that you hadn't already had any kids yourself. Now that I've seen you have a DS, it looks a bit different. Be honest now - is wanting a child with your DP about evening up the score, as it were, and having more of a claim on him relative to his daughter?

Just seen your latest post. You are apparently an adult and therefore should know that an eleven year old is a CHILD. Of course she is fallible but she doesn't need you to show her that she is. You are incredibly self centred and seemingly jealous of how much your dp cares about his dd. That relationship will never change. He doesn't want dcs with you. That is his decision and if he is saying that is what his dd says he is just trying to soften the blow. Save your perfection for someone else.

Forgive me if you've answered this already. Did your dp leave his wife for you? If so then no wonder your step dd doesn't like you. On your timings he would have left his wife when his dd was 8 and his Ds was 6. His dd would have had a pretty good understanding of what happened (family being broken up) and viewed you as the cause (would he have left if he hadnt a long term friendship with someone keen to be his soulmate?). She would have wanted to protect her db and her mother too. A huge burden for such a young child.

You say you are always nice to her and she would never know how you feel. Sorry but unless you are a body language expert and can mask that what you say will be meaningless. Children can pick up body language intuitively in a way few adults can.

If I were you I would move on and find someone else to be the target of your affection.

I think it's important you agree on having or not having children. If one person wants them and the other doesn't, then you shouldn't be together.

Hmm...you are bewildered by assumptions made, but you have taken an entire thread to answer a fairly basic question ie: did you contribute to the marriage break up. So people drew their own conclusions. It is a pertinent question as it could explain the dd's attitude to you but you chose to ignore it.

You say that her father rightly puts her first but then moan that he puts her feelings about you having a baby above yours.

And say that you were inflammatory on purpose yet dont like the responses.

What on earth do you want to hear?! What a pointless post!

I just said you need to find somewhere safe e.g., online or in RL, a support group or a good friend, to talk about how you feel and how you think this situation can be resolved. Some people are shocked by your post but is there anyone reading this now who doesn't think that's a good place to start?!

So what else do you want us to say?!

It's a serious relationship with a man who doesn't want to live with you or have children with you. Whose daughter you loathe.

And you 'can't have a family of (your) own' even though you have a daughter?

Even if she is a mini-monster, you cannot continue your relationship feeling like this. Either sort it out, or call it off. You need to be able to sit down in a safe group and talk about how you feel and how you think you can resolve it. Surely you don't want to live like that - hating an 11 year old?

Do you find any of the rest of it interesting or helpful?

TBH, it all seems a bit desperate to me, OP.

If you really can't stand the child (and you do seem to have a strong dislike of her), you must have realised by now that there is no way that you and she can be part of the same extended family?

I know it sounds hard (and I'm not judging you for your dislike of DSD, honestly) but I think you should choose to walk while you still have your dignity.

My S-I-L had a similar issue with her DP's daughter. There was jealousy on both sides, but of course the Dad stuck by his daughter in the end.

Very sad, but at least she and Ex are still mates, and she was careful not to let anyone know that her dislike of the daughter was anything to do with her decision to walk away

You need to do lots of things with the child, just the 2 of you, and get to know her.

It sounds like the guy can see through the OP anyway and won't be sharing the sperm. He sees you as a girlfriend and not a mother of his children.

You don't make that kind of fixed judgement on an 11 yr old. You just show them a better way to be.

When my dsis got together with her current dh, my dn, who is a delightful girl, was horrible to him for a long time. She even wrote "D must die!" on her bedroom wall.

The trouble with her was, not so much that she hated dsis's dp but that she had hoped that, after the difficult relationship dsis had had with dn's dad, that after they split, it would be just dsis and dn, no interlopers.

dsis's dp was consistent, never lost his temper and had the insight to know what was up with dn. Slowly things got better so that one day when he mentioned that he had accidentally referred to dn as his daughter, she beamed with delight. They have a great relationship now.

Iris, don't you think that if your dp really thought you were his soulmate and wished you had children together, that he would have children with you? That if he really, really felt that way, that nothing would get in his way?

He is very wise not to have DCs with you, he knows that you would treat them differently.