...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

Blimey that other thread!

Or maybe she's just a deeply unpleasant woman who doesn't like kids much?

yes, true

I agree that AIBU can take off in ways they didn't anticipate, but if you start on it you must take into account that at least some people will come out with YABU and be prepared to listen.

How immature is op to not like this child who
has had her world shattered,but she will be
ok,are you sure that the little girl is not
much like her mother for your own comfort,
to dislike a child of this age imo is not
normal and you need to separate if this
child is not to be affected by
your dislike of her

Lamorna - I think that's true in many cases

In other cases, AIBU seems to be the only place people think of or know of to post, and the thread takes off in a way they never anticipated, because people do respond differently yo OPs placed in AIBU, compared to those in other Topics.

I don't think that people on AIBU are looking for advice, I think that you are just supposed to say 'oh poor you, having met the man of your dreams, you have to put up with a stroppy 11yr old' and 'oh poor you, he puts his DD first'. I don't think anything else is required, certainly not the truth;'he comes as a package and you should be putting the 11yr old first'.

It is lovely when people on AIBU actually take note and think that people may at least have valid points, it is very rare and generally they quietly stop reading or go off in a huff!

... I mean, it's a shame if the OP has stopped reading

babyheave - Fair point. Maybe there is a double standard. But there are also other differences between the thread you link and this one. I am sure the OP is regretting posting in the way she did, on AIBU.

If you read my earlier posts, I asked for more information right at the beginning. I also said that, in the absence of info, on AIBU people make their own assumptions when an OP with this title and this tone is posted, and that makes the OP feel attacked.

It's a shame, because there is some really good advice here about step-parenting, being a step-child, and about understanding behavioural difficulties in 11 year olds.

Of course you need to be married to use term 'stepmother' FFS!
(or, at a push, at least in long-term, financially committed live-in relationship).
I once dated (pure dating no living together) a man when I was in my early 20's who had a female child, the relationship carried on for about 3 years, I got on OK with her and she with me-always tried to be a 'friend' to her more than anything else.
There was no way on this earth that I thought of myself as being her 'stepmother'- it would be an affront to do so.
I no longer think you are mean-spirited, I also think you are a ignorant and insensitive, too.

But I wonder , given the fact you have ignored all the responses, whether you wanted to provoke anger in others so you could then feel justified in feeling hard done by

Or maybe it was because when she last posted about how she was having problems loving her own child, she got lots of support and understanding and thought she may get the same again. She probably didn't realise that the rules on support only apply to your own children as it does take a while to get used to the massive double standards that exist out there.

Just a thought! Maybe reading the responses on this thread will make it clearer.

OP

Would it help to think of the verb "to love" as an action rather than as a feeling, which is one of it's meanings.

You can decide to love this child and behave accordingly. All of us in relationships at some point have to make a decision to love even when other feelings get in the way. If someone has a row with their other half they have to decide to love him and make up even if they still feel cross a bit. Usually the loving feelings follow the decision to love.

If you want things to get better you are going to have to decide to love this child come what may. The loving feelings will then come out of loving behaviour. If you behave lovingly to people they become loveable. As the hymn says, "love to the loveless shown, that they might lovely be" ...

I'll shut up now. Bumps x

I agree with pag - and I was also someone who suggested a short ranty post in AIBU was less likely to provoke measured responses than a more detailed one in Relationships or Beh/Dev.

But I wonder , given the fact you have ignored all the responses, whether you wanted to provoke anger in others so you could then feel justifed in feeling hard done by

I agree with pagwatch and if you had posted saying that you found her difficult, how could you get to know and like her? then you would have had sympathy and suggestions. Hating an 11yr old DC and wishing she wasn't there isn'tgoing to get any agreement!

iris

it might help you to try and remember that you are not talking to mumsnet, you are talking to a number of individual women who are offering you a range of responses. the 'you lot are talking shit' reply is understandable if you are feeling attacked but still a bit dim when you think about it.

the 'obsession with which board you posted on' is not some picky nonsense. the people suggesting you should have posted on a different board are making a sensible point ( and not just becuase i was one of the .
If you post a deliberatly inflamatory post to the whole board in a section that is usually knock about then you will get on type of response.
had you posted in a way to get responses to people directly in your situation you may have got more measured feedback. had you posted in behaviour and development you may have gained some insight and support in dealing with a challenging child.

Which begs the question do you actually want advice or did you just post here like a sulky toddler to vent? Do you think you could have handled this, and many other things, a little better?

If you want sensible advice then drop the teenage attitude,( it isn't becoming on a woman who is apparnetly keen to have another child) and post again.

I hope you do. You still seem to have missed the fundamental point that 11 year olds do not behave as you have descined without good cause. You can either try to help resolve her issues and support her, walk away from the relationship or just stand on the sidelines pouting. its up to you

Iris, you keep trying to tell yourself that you have a right not to love your partner's daughter because she is not lovable, and you keep trying to tell yourself that you have a right to be with your dp but wish his dd away.

How can you be sure this doesn't come back to bite you on the bum?

How do you know that your own ds won't be a difficult non-communicative child when he hits his pre-teens? I know you say your step-dd has always been like this- but that is no guarantee that your son won't change. My own ds was the most charming bubbling child when he was 6- at 10 he is rebellious and uncommmunicative (we still love him). So if that happens to you- will you accept that your dp has a right to want you but not your ds? Will you think you yourself should put your love life before your son?

And what if you did have a child together and that turned out to be a difficult child- would you accept your partner disengaging from that dc?

If you see that that wouldn't be right, then you will see why he has to put his difficult 11yo dd first.

Still, I don't think this is all that is going on. If he is repeating his dd's ill-considered and immature utterings to you to justify his decisions, then he is hiding behind her, not a very mature way of behaving.

Has it occured to you that your dp sees the way you are towards his dd and that puts him off having a child with you ? It would certainly put me off having a dc with a man who disliked my ds , in fact I think you are lucky he has stayed with you so long . If you are trying to be nice but still don't like her it will come through she will know you don't like her . CAn you not focus on her good qualities instead of her bad ones? Praise good behaviour spend some real quality time you could have a good relationship if you tried you say you want a family you have got one yes it's a blended family but it's a family all the same , like I say In my other post I thank god for my stepmum we have stayed close even though she and my dd have divorced , she came in to our lives at a difficult time (my mum had walked out a year previous) and was so lovely to us from the start we responded in kind . IT would do you well to remember you are on a parenting site we love our dcs more than anything and to post with such venom about a child is only going to get you a roasting .

I doubt this is a serious OP, maybe a troll??

If it is serious, yuck! Some people are horrid. Reminds me of that woman on the inheritance programme recently who didn't want the father to give his two daughters thier iheritance. On that note actually, they weren't his daughters, they were his step daughters from a previous marriage that he loved unconditionally. You shouldn't be together if you think like this OP, children are not made to suit you and what you think a child should be like. She is a person with emotions and a personality. Get thee to a shrink as you appear to have some bitterness issues.

There would be no possibility of him wanting DCs with OP when he knows that they wouldn't have equal love. How can a man have 3 DCs and his partner only love one of them? At least he is sensible enough not to do it.

Exactly YeagBut-he should give an ultimatum-he knows the situation and he should give an ultimatum, 'get to know my DD and realise she is part of me or we break up'.

It's Reading this post that I thank god for my lovely kind stepmum who loved us even when faced with teenage hormones and me being extremely sensitive due to my parents divorce , if you can't handle a difficult eleven year old what would you do if you had a dd and she turned out to be a total nightmare? Remember this little girl has had to go through her parents splitting which in itself is very traumatic then comes along another woman who so obviously resents and dislikes her . Do her a favour leave the relationship now and leave this family to find a woman who will at least have the courtesy to be civil and will at least try to love this family as a package . I just don't understand how you can be so cold to a little girl , you even describe the son as just being ok , you actually sound like you don't like children at all and I'm surprised you want more.

'My crime here is that I don't like her and I don't enjoy her company. You would think I was the first
person ever in the world not to like a child.'

Your crime is that you are not prepared to get to know her and like her when she is an 11yr old child.
Your other crime is that you don't like her and are still with her father.
However nice you are that DD knows that you don't like her, DCs are quick to see beyond the words and smiles.
It is quite simple the man and the DD go together and if you don't want his DD you leave him. Most things have a grey tinge but this is black and white. Any other forum would give the same result, once a person has
a DC the DC comes first and if a new partner can't get on with the DC the partner goes.

You know what, OP, I've changed my opinion somewhat. The person who is being most unreasonable is your DP for subjecting his daughter to this situation.

I'm confused. The kid's parents split up 3 years ago, you have known them for "many, many years" but you didn't meet him until 2 years after the split? I know it's 3am and I've had no sleep, but WTF?? [bconfused]

Its a term that means something, and you are not it.
Have you heard how language works at all?