for feeling smug when mothers of school-agers describe themselves as "Full-time mums" or "Housewives"?

op you remind me of my mother who was never pleased with what I did - she once shouted at me that I was just a housewife so couldn't have any opinions. lol - that was before mumsnet!! I love being a sahm. It's the hardest job I'vev ever done & for me the right place to be.

Oh and this brings me round to one of my frequent soap boxes: the absense of AFFORDABLE childcare in the United Kingdom for everyone. And I don't want state run childcare. They can't run the schools very well, so def don't want them meddling in the care of my babies. But, I do think childcare should be reasonable affordabel to normal people who want to work but can't because they are crippled by the (outrageous) price of childcare.

A1b2

I've always wondered why people think that childcare gets easier once DC are at school. For all my working friends it has been a real headache.

Many found their 4 year olds were exhausted after breakfast club, school then after school club. And it is really expensive if you have three children like 'me.

I will be returning to work when DD3 is 3 but that is only possible with (free) family help. Frankly I am terrified at the thought of juggling it all. dP is in for a rude awakening.

oh StayingDavid, you have reminded me of another task to add to the list.

I tend to agree with you.

Although I don't think you should look down on mothers who stay at home, I do think women who manage to juggle work and home life should feel proud. It is bloody difficult.

I do often wonder what mothers who SAH even though their children are in school do all day. Part of me is a little envious but the main part of me would HATE that. I like having a career.

Only sometimes, a1b2??

bunbaker guess what?! You learned a new computer skill, striking out, today! That skill could be transferable to the workplace! stix, larus, you have taught a useful computer skill while on mm! giddy, cleo, getorf and all the other sisters on here, thanks for understanding and being sisterly to fellow women and especially, standing up for a woman's right to be a bit lazy sometimes..

Only read OP but YABU. However it is your choice to think that way. I sometimes felt very lucky that (when I SAH with school age kids, I have another little one now) I had my time to myself rather than having to go to work for someone. I didn't see the appeal of work or juggling childcare, I didn't want to leave an ill child etc etc. i felt abit 'sorry' for the full time working mums as felt they were kind of cultured into this way of thinking and working and were missing out. However, I acknowledge some people need or want to work for their own reasons.

I am sure some people looked down on me or felt smug but it really doesn't bother me since I was happy. I have been through numerous difficult situations in life that have taught me not to care what others think (other than family obviously) so this is no different. In fact i quite enjoyed being 'different'.

GlitteryBalls - I am a bit like that too - and that's where voluntary work is so good. You get the chance to contribute, learn new skills, you get a lot of positive feedback (unlike some paid jobs), and it is flexible. It has saved my sanity

Are you sure there isn't a tiny bit of resentment in you? Im assuming, rightly or wrongly, that you are choosing to go back to work and that it is not out of financial necessity. Why do you are care about how others choose to live their life? It's their business not yours. Do you feel guilty for not being in paid employment?

You may maintain a well run home and go to work, but what sort of quality of life will you have? You will be rushed off your feet and constantly knackered.

Do you want a medal or something?

Today I am rather glad I'm a SAHM even though my children are at school. After walking the younger two to primary, I returned home to find dopey DS1 (11) in tears on the doorstep because he'd waited over an hour in the snow for the school bus it turns out he missed and had forgotten his phone and his door keys.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to behave like total wankers over what other people decide to do. Smug, cowardly name changing twunts like the OP are the kind of people I hope fail to find the job they think is waiting for them. I have no respect for them whatsoever and they deserve none.

SharonM1 I could of almost written that myself, I too have been on both sides of the fence, & had people turn up their noses either way -

I really DID have a very full on Career, & work pressure meant I barely had time to eat, let alone faff around posting on here & like you my DH was a SAHD & I too ended up chronically ill & had SAHM forced on me - despite loving my career, I actually feel blessed to now have that choice forced on me

as a result, I think only those of us who have walked in the others shoes can really judge "the other side" & sat here on top of that fence the idiots who do feel smug that they are more worthy than the other, need to take a long hard HONEST look at themselves, & cut the other some slack

stix I know you didn't use the word "sponge", just some do.

GlitteryBalls - you are describing me to a 't'! Cleofartra - we are clearly twins!

The trouble is stix, it isn't a free world. Employers want a flexible workforce so employees might not get as many hours work as they need. Some choose to stay at home, some their employers choose to give no guaranteed hours. So may as well make the best of the no work available time to bank sleep hours/do housework/whatever, for when there is a busy week/something happens to prevent sleep. I feel lucky to get that chance and sympathetic to those that don't get that chance but at the same time admire that they have have managed to get guaranteed work. Not getting at you, totally agree with rest of post, I expect you and other people who say that sort of thing didn't mean every non wealthy SAHM has truly chosen to sponge your hard earned income (or like someone else said, sponge off a man) - just trying to clarify. (not smug about time I get to choose what to do at home, when overwhelmed with it all and wondering what to do first).

I went back to work (full time) when babies were 20 weeks and 10 weeks old. But I did not feel smug- and neither should you.
I was the main earner so I my husband worked part-time.
I note you make a distinction between mums with children below school age and those with children at school. But how many people can find jobs with hours entirely within the school hours- particularly if travel is by public transport? What about school holidays?
The truth is that working means relying on others to look after your children - either paid or unpaid.You are not doing it all yourself.So no cause for smugness.
Working with childcare or doing all the childcare yourself should be a choice.We should give each other a break.I've faced hostility for being a working mum - and, having given up work due to being chronically sick- hostility for being at home.

if you've time to be bored & post on here, then your "Career" obviously isn't as full on you'd have people believe, (either that or a total wind up)

so yes YABU to feel smug, perhaps you could come back when you really DO have the Career you would have us believe, & see if you still feel smug, as opposed to envious of SAHM

different horses for different courses, if you're lucky, its a life choice, thats all, nothing to feel smug or otherwise over

I thought this was the norm for all women? Isn't it?

Now I know why my desk is the state it is, and why my feral children are the way they are.

"I would be frightfully lazy when I could get away with it, then get stressed for not getting everything done, and feel guilty for being frightfully lazy earlier etc etc. "

You've perfectly described my modus operandi!

However, am like this at work as well!

On a serious note, I actually admire SAHMs as I don't think I will be able to do it. I thrive when under a bit of pressure and I am too disorganised and undisciplined to manage my time without a structure such as work. I could never run my own business for example, and I imagine being a SAHM and doing it well is similar. I would be frightfully lazy when I could get away with it, then get stressed for not getting everything done, and feel guilty for being frightfully lazy earlier etc etc. I am just hypothesising as dc hasn't arrived yet, but I know in the past when I have not been in work for whatever reason, but still had stuff to do, I always seemed to get less done and end up getting a bit depressed and down on myself. I think for my sanity and therefore probably for the benefit of my dc in the long run it will be best for our family if I went back to work. Everyone's different I suppose. x

likethis

Hooray.
Sigh, I must go and do some work now instead of being a lazy good for nothing.

I think the majority of Mums on this thread have been non-smug, apart fron the OP

Some Mums need to work, some don't. Some Mums want to work, some don't.

Some WOHM may feel a bit smug, superior and all important. But some SAHM may feel smug about not having to work and choosing how to spend the school day.

I'm a SAHM with school age children. I run a very small business from home.
I'm always being asked when I'm going to expand a bit and advised that I could make more money if I did 'xyz'
But I don't want to. DH earns enough to keep everything running smoothly and I can be around for the DC's, pick them up from school, go their school plays etc..

If circumstances change I would put in more hours and try and make more money, or try and get a 'proper' job. But why should I do that if I don't have to and don't want to?
So that I'll appear more important to other people?
Why should anyone care about that?

Unless perhaps they're secretly insecure and miserable about the choices they've made themselves.

bunbaker - you have to strike out each word individually. A bit of a faff if there are several words!

Typical.That is the first time strike out has worked

Bunbaker, you did not follow the rule of no spaces. You have to put the "--" before and after each word.