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Child support?

(77 Posts)
DontCallMePeanut Sat 16-Jul-11 21:52:35

OK, this would have gone in AIBU, but I was more interested in a feminist argument about this. Just wondering how you feel about child support?

This has come from the result of a disagreement between myself and mother, in which she feels I should claim child support from xP. Now, I'm uneasy with this. Mainly because I'd rather anything he paid was done willingly, not having to go through the agencies to get it. On top of that, DS wants for nothing, as far as I'm aware. He's clothed, fed, regularly bought small treats (eg, books, trips, toys.) There's just something about child support which, from a father who makes no effort to see his DS, and has spent a total of £85 on him over the past three years, doesn't sit right.

Financially, my income is greater than his, and once I've graduated, my earning potential will be significantly greater than xP's. Any thoughts?

snowmama Sat 16-Jul-11 23:41:34

My question would be, why are you prepared to let the father off the hook and take on the full burden yourself (unless the answer is it is too much hassle, which I totally get but don't think it is a feminist position).

If you got the child.support, you could save it for your sons future. What doesn't sit right with you, the fact you earn more money? That is irrelevant, it is your ex's reponsibilty to your child that he should be stepping up to.

sunshineandbooks Sat 16-Jul-11 23:46:59

I am a complete hypocrite on this issue. I passionately believe that all NRPs should pay child support. It takes two parents to create a child. They have 50% of the responsibility. There are many reasons why one parent ends up shouldering more than their fair share of practical/emotional responsibility, but barring real poverty, there are no excuses for non-payment of child support, ever. Even if you don't see the child.

However, I don't get child support off my X and haven't bothered with the CSA. In my defence, this is because X alternates between being unemployed and self-employed. And, as he has other children too, if I got anything at all it would be the princely sum of £3 per month. Therefore, as I could do without the hassle of chasing the CSA to track him down, I haven't bothered.

sunshineandbooks Sat 16-Jul-11 23:47:57

If he ever got a proper job however, I would undoubtedly change my mind. I'm not holding my breath though.

DontCallMePeanut Sun 17-Jul-11 00:01:09

There's also the issue that, like your XP, Sunshine, he regularly goes through long periods of unemployment. DM argues that he should be paying DS's way, and that (through student finance) the Gov't is supporting my child. (My argument, CTC and CB are what supports DS, and I'm entitled to those regardless) However, surely, by claiming CS, the Gov't would just be redistributing tuppence from his giro into my bank every 4 weeks. It just hardly seems worth it, even from a logical point of view.

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 17-Jul-11 02:17:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

organicgardener Sun 17-Jul-11 02:52:26

How can someone help if they're unemployed hmm

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 17-Jul-11 02:59:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Truckrelented Sun 17-Jul-11 06:03:48

I think we should be educating our children to spot and be able to avoid idiots.

Have children with someone who is going to be an equal parent, then if you split the childcare can be split, we can get away from resident parents, non-resident parents and the gene pool would weed out the knob-heads.

I'm also a fan of not being financially dependent on someone, so I believe it's best if neither give up work.

If the man has a career that means he will not be able to be flexible with his children don't have children with him. And if he's flaky about working,also don't have children with him.

Goblinchild Sun 17-Jul-11 06:49:19

'I think we should be educating our children to spot and be able to avoid idiots. '

grin Well, that would certainly solve a lot of problems.
How would you go about that?
I lived with my OH for 8 years before having children with him, is that the sort of thing you are meaning?

snowmama Sun 17-Jul-11 06:55:01

Truck, you are spectacularly missing the point
1. The posters who have contributed to date earn more than their ex's....but even if they didn't, it would be irrelevant because fathers have responsibility to their children. By not contributing they are effectively financially dependant/spending off the mothers to raise their children.

2. Even with all the red flag training, it is still possible for that kind, hardworking, pro feminist man to turn out to be a fucking lying knob. Plus you appear to be saying 'sorry mothers, you fucked up, suck it up....but let's not make the missing men take responsibility, let's just heap the telling off on the women who remain to raise their children'.

3. I have just about the most demanding career you can have, and can be there for my kids...so any man who tries that argument can take a running jump.

Goblinchild Sun 17-Jul-11 06:59:45

So branding unsatisfactory males with D for dickhead isn't the way forwards?
sad

If a man fathers a child, he is responsible for 50% of the child's care,welfare and upbringing. If he can't contribute financially then he should make up the deficit in kind.

MadameCastafiore Sun 17-Jul-11 07:03:38

But you are not supporting your child are you, the government and the taxpayer is so you are being a bit of a hypocrite!

Goblinchild Sun 17-Jul-11 07:07:39

Who are you talking to, Mme C?

snowmama Sun 17-Jul-11 07:09:42

Really Madame what makes you think I receive a single benefit from the government?

Even, if I did...which I don't....why do I get the blame for that not the dad who refusing to support his own child?

MadameCastafiore Sun 17-Jul-11 07:09:56

The OP.

She is saying that she doesn;t need to ask the father of the child for money as she is quite able to support the child - she isn't supporting the child at all the government is.

Goblinchild Sun 17-Jul-11 07:12:06

How do you work that out?
She's talking about graduating, which means student loans that will be paid back.

Goblinchild Sun 17-Jul-11 07:14:02

Perhaps the grandmother is picking up a lot of the slack.
If my DD got pregnant and had a child at uni and had no partner, I'd be doing whatever I could to help. Including encouraging her to make the father step up to his responsibilities.

snowmama Sun 17-Jul-11 07:15:13

What part of my income is greater than his suggests this. Plus, as the government is busy removing benefits from single parents and letting couples keep them...that particular argument will shortly hold even less water than before.

If a single mother qualifies for WTC, she does so on the same basis as couples.

Truckrelented Sun 17-Jul-11 07:16:29

'If a man fathers a child, he is responsible for 50% of the child's care,welfare and upbringing. If he can't contribute financially then he should make up the deficit in kind.'

I agree with that completely. As someone who does 50-50 I can't really get my head round why a father wouldn't do it.

But as a pragmatist, I can't see how you can get someone to pay who won't work. Maybe community service?

'Truck, you are spectacularly missing the point'

And not for the first time!

snowmama Sun 17-Jul-11 07:21:16

I do also like the payment in kind, it also needs to less acceptable in society for men to walk out on their children.

Truckrelented Sun 17-Jul-11 07:24:52

Does men walking out on their children happen in other societies or is it a UK thing?

snowmama Sun 17-Jul-11 07:29:17

Global in the main, I think. no reason for any or all societies to deem it unacceptable. Anecdote, but my Scandinavian friends (male and female) see a big stigma associated with men walking out on their children.

Truckrelented Sun 17-Jul-11 07:39:59

Isnt Scandanavia a more 50-50 split on seperation?

I suppose if I'd received the every-other-weekend part-time dad kind of access I don't know how I would have reacted to that, I'd like to think I'd of coped with moving out of my home, seeing a lot less of the children, paying 25% of my salary over and seeing my ex's new partner spending more time with my children than me, I'd like to think I would have coped.

But I expect I'd have gone off the rails a bit. I work hard to provide for our children, could I have done that having to go to an empty bedsit or flat every night?

But I suppose it's immaterial because that didn't happen.

But is this part of the reason why some men seem to drift away?

Reality Sun 17-Jul-11 07:58:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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