DD 13 wants to sleep at friend's house again. I have said no.

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I need some perspective. Can anyone help? DD can't understand why I won't let her stay at her friend's. She stayed there once before but she kind of tricked me into agreeing and I wasn't happy.

Last time the friend assured me their mum would phone me during the evening to chat so I would be reassured that she was a) actually there b) DD was safe in their house and c) that DD was actually there.
I had the number but no one rang and no one answered when I called. I almost drove there to get her but DH persuaded me to leave it.

She was fine when I picked her up but I wanted to meet the parents in person before I agreed to let her stay again. This was down to DD to organise and she hasn't.

She asked me to stay there today and I have said no unless I can meet the parents or at least one of them. I was happy to knock on their door but DD said no that was embarrassing and they would be offended with me not trusting them.

Am I being too strict? She was OK last time but I am imagining no parents, drugs and all sorts going on.
I do know that DDs friend was suspended last term for taking a knife to school - so that's another worry.
DS 15 knows the older sister and has been there today and met the mum. He says it's fine so I am inclined to let DD stay another time if she manages to get over her embarrassment.

WWYD??

Some will say too strict but I wouldn’t have let DD stay somewhere when I hadn’t met the adults when she was 13.
I would at the very minimum want a phone conversation and preferably drop her off and speak to them then

I think you're being totally reasonable. You've not banned your daughter, just placed a simple and fair condition on it.

Well a 15yr olds view of it being fine might differ from yours! When either of mine are staying with a new friend I always knock the door and say hello when leaving them.

The knife thing is something else! It would be a hard no after that incident.

TLDR - YANBU

No. I’d want to meet the parents myself. As for the knife carrying!!!!! Hell no, I wouldn’t let my DD stay there and I’d really want the friendship to end, but you’ll push her away if you say that/ban sleep overs. Can the friend stay with you instead?

I always refused requests from my dd to stay over night with friends unless I'd previously met the parent(s). I also would have dropped off and picked up at 13 unless I knew the family where she was staying very well.

This kid took a knife to school?! I wouldn't even consider allowing her to sleepover there. FGS. You are the parent and there has to be boundaries, and taking a weapon to school should be an immovable one.

Given everything in your OP, no way would she be going.

I'd want to speak to the mum on the phone.

Why on earth would her friend take a knife into school? That's weird and scary. I'd be really concerned about her hanging around with someone who feels the need to do that?

My DS is also 13. I am keen for him to develop his friendship group as well as his independence. He is a pretty sensible, well behaved kid, never in trouble at school etc. Would I let him stay over at a friend's house in similar circumstances to your DD? Not a chance!

You have made it clear that you want some access to the girl's parents before your DD stays again. This hasn't happened and the no contact during the last stay would ring alarm bells for me.

It reminds me of when I was 15. I used to stay over at a friend's house on a regular basis. Telling my mum that the mother was there. She wasn't. She was at her boyfriend's. My friend and I were out clubbing till all hours, taking speed. My parents were none the wiser. Don't be as niave as my parents.

I was thinking maybe a little OTT but now you mentioned the knife she just wouldn't be going at all

I had the number but no one rang and no one answered when I called. I almost drove there to get her but DH persuaded me to leave it.

You absolutely should have driven there. Your DD’s situation totally echoes my own teenage tricks and the stuff me and my friends got up to “on a sleepover” was pretty shocking. 13 isn’t too young to be caught up with the wrong people drinking and taking drugs.

I would say it could just be that the parents have a ‘laid back’ approach to parenting and maybe your daughter knows that and that’s why she feels embarrassed as you care enough to want to check. If she was a bit older I would say maybe she isn’t actually staying there and using it as a excuse to stay at a boys house but if you are worried you could always go back to the house later and ask her to come out to you, think of an excuse like you were passing n wanted to check in with her or sumat.

Wait. Hold it right there. When reading your OP, I hadn't registered the knife situation. That would be a done deal for me. Not a chance would my dc staying over at this house. No way.

Thanks. I'm glad I'm not being over protective. I don't think I'll be letting her stay again.

Absolutely not, I would want to meet other parents too. U do what feels right for you

Have you talked to your DD about the knife to see how seriously she takes that situation?

In those circumstances, no phone call to confirm, no contact with parents ever and a knife carrier, I wouldn't let my sons stay over at 13 either.

You have no idea who is in the house and why she felt the need to bring a knife into school.

Well i thought you were being too strict until i read about the knife!
For other sleepovers at other houses i would relax tbh. Dd has been having sleepovers from an early age. Nowadays i know more " experimentation " will be going on but that's teens...im not locking her in.
Try to encourage other friendships though.