cancel birthday for teen

[Atlantis777]

So I am thinking am I a horrible parent. My dd will have bday in 2 weeks and I actually think about doing nothing for that day. I had plans for a little family celebration, gifts, Legoland etc but she is just way out of control. I am a lone parent so everything is on my head. She is 13 and asking for doing dishes, cleaning the room is big deal. I know I shouldn't demand anything but on my bday, I haven't even heard happy bday just had to make a cake for myself as kids wanted cake. Today again I asked for help around the house, she is too tired. everything hurts her, but not sick enough for the computer, phone and arguing with siblings. When I said to her I will cancel the internet I heard just threats and when I told her I won't do anything for her bday I heard I have to. I am so tired of it and seriously consider doing nothing :(

Noooooo! She may remember the pain of that in 60 years time. Ouch. Birthdays are to show love and kindness not punishment. Following through with disconnecting the internet would serve you both better in my opinion.

You can’t do nothing for her birthday. There are lots of other punishments you can carry out, and long term these will help you with her. Just cancelling her birthday won’t help her behaviour and she will remember it forever. As unfair as it is, it wouldn’t really be right to ignore her birthday because she ignored yours either, she’s a child. Sorry you have having such a rough time OP, I hope you manage to get her to cooperate soon.

You can’t cancel the birthday of someone who is still a child, it would be beyond cruel. If you log into your internet using the admin password you can seriously limit her time on her devices, I’d go there first. Also no pocket money, lifts etc until she is doing a bit more around the house.

Please read the book
Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town.
You'll understand why she is acting the way she is and will give you tips on how to deal with it.
It made such a difference to me.

First thing I would do is an Internet ban until she bucks her ideas up. She helps around the home, behaves, cuts the lip out and shows manners.

I wouldn't cancel the birthday though, I believe that's a day to celebrate regardless with a huge showering of love and affection.

@Kentishbear

First thing I would do is an Internet ban until she bucks her ideas up. She helps around the home, behaves, cuts the lip out and shows manners.

I wouldn't cancel the birthday though, I believe that's a day to celebrate regardless with a huge showering of love and affection.

I agree with this, don't cancel her birthday, crack down on her behaviour outside of her birthday.

@YANBULTB

Noooooo! She may remember the pain of that in 60 years time. Ouch. Birthdays are to show love and kindness not punishment. Following through with disconnecting the internet would serve you both better in my opinion.

Agree

Your focus is all wrong

Cancelling birthday (which is daft. Birthdays and Christmas are ring fenced in my view) won’t deal with the issue.

She’s a young teen. If you don’t deal with this now, I suspect you’ll be pulling you hair out at 16

Forget using her birthday as a threat.

Take away internet, treats, trips if she is rude and behaves badly.

What are the consequences of her not doing the dishes or cleaning her room? Remember teenage years can be turbulent and lots of teens feel pretty insecure, so they need lots of reassurance they are still loved - even if your not feeling it right now. There is no point in threatening something you are not prepared to carry out. To cancel her birthday would send the message she is unloved rather than she should help more around the house

Internet ban won't work. If I try to take anything away, she screams, kicks walls, shut doors (we live in flat neighbours hear everything). She will take my computer and phone instead. she is physically stronger than me.

OP - threaten to call the Police if she is damaging property - totally out of order - I am a single parent and have had this with all three - useless Father and I am too ‘nice’ - DD23 and DD19 now lovely, DD14 vile - I have a Family Support Worker as I don’t meet SS threshold but DD14 is angry and aggressive and sometimes having another adult involved externally makes the situation easier to handle - FSW will nip this behaviour in the bud - it’s tough - you should never feel scared of your own child and if you do, there is no shame in seeking help - Google ‘CPV’ - an emerging and growing problem right now xx

Please don’t do this.
However horrible she’d being, there’s probably stuff going on w her you don’t know about.
Read Divas and Doorslamners - talks about the teen reptile brain.
It’s easy for them to go on phone etc, if they’re tired/hormonal/anxious etc much harder to do ‘tasks’. Even as an adult I can relate to this.
Plus if you do put sanctions in place ie on screen time, you need to follow through whatever the reaction. I think a certain no. Of hours per day is better than total ban.

Lock your computer and phone, or leave them at a friends house. Then turn off the internet and let her scream til she's ready to listen.

This shouldn't be about who is bigger, both my sons tower above me. They still have to listen to what I say.

You need some authority, quickly.

Ah God no, don't cancel her birthday. That's the type of thing she'll remember for the rest of her life, and you'll have no relationship with her when she's an adult. Being a teenager is hard.

So what if she screams and shouts,just walk away and leave her to it. My 6ft4 ds has been taller than me and stronger since he was 15 and he's and adult now,he still does as he's told. Physical strength shouldn't come in to it.

Birthdays and Christmas should never be cancelled.

I think you have unrealistic expectations if you're hoping a 13 year old will make you a cake for your birthday. Afraid at that age it's a bit of a one way street. Tackle the day to day behaviour but don't cancel her birthday.

Also something jumped out from first sentence- not many 13 year olds would be rushing to Legoland feels like more of a treat for younger siblings. Maybe she'd prefer to do something with a friend.

You can't back out of everyday reasonable consequences and then go through with the nuclear option of spoiling her birthday! You can't automatically expect her to do anything for yours, you're the grown up so you are responsible for teaching her to be reasonable and considerate, so the hard work needs to go in for the basics and in time hopefully she will become more thoughtful and you will have a better relationship. But it won't happen without some difficult words and actions from you at this stage. But not her birthday. That's cruel.

Can I ask if she chose legoland? It seems a bit young for a 13 year old? Or do you see it as a family activity with younger siblings?

Is she expected to be a pseudo adult? Do the house work, cook a cake etc? Then slot in with younger children?

Are you doing anything age appropriate for her and her friends? Make up or cinema.

She sounds like she is acting out

Meh I don't think its that bad pulling out of Lego land. Kids are spoilt these days.

If you don't want to go to Lego Land don't go, presents and cake are enough on a 'good birthday' anyway. But I'd probably invest in a bit of time reconnecting with her, alone.

Lego Land is a bit young for her though, did she pick it or you?

Just buy her a card and a gift. She sounds like a typical nearly thirteen year old to me. If all her friends make a big deal about becoming a teenager, maybe she can go out for a meal with them (and you, you paying of course). I would have thought she is too old for Legoland unless it is a particular interest of hers.