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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Meeting other parent before meeting SC?

100 replies

Fairygodmotherplease · 11/02/2021 09:20

SC's mum has a rule that any partners need to meet her before the kids.

Bf and I have been together nearly a year. Covid and distance will make meeting her first very tricky. I don't see the point in the rule. She has me added on Facebook as a friend, I'm not a mystery.

Has anyone else had to meet the other parent first? Would you agree to it?

OP posts:

Report

tisonlymeagain · 11/02/2021 09:47

Nope. I've been with my DP for 3 years, met his children 2 years ago, never met their mum. She has no desire to and neither do I, but their relationship is not amicable at all and it's very volatile.

Shoe on the other foot, if my ex-DH gets a long-term partner I'll be happy to meet her and get to know her but I wouldn't insist on it at all. I trust my ex-DHs judgement.

Theunamedcat · 11/02/2021 09:51

I really cba with all that i just do a quick check to make sure she isnt a danger to the children then leave him too it

Leaninghouse · 11/02/2021 09:55

Nope nope and nope.

Leaninghouse · 11/02/2021 09:56

What are your OHs thoughts on this?

MyGodImSoYoung · 11/02/2021 10:06

I wholly disagree with this. Whilst I am not against her asking to meet you, I don't think she should have any sort of say over whether you meet her before or after the children.

She and your DP are no longer together. They have separate lives, with the overlap of the children. That is it.

If your DP is happy for you to meet the children, then do it. She does not need to be consulted.

Like first PP, I have been with my DP for just over three years, met the children just over two years ago. Exes were not consulted.

Fairygodmotherplease · 11/02/2021 10:06

@Leaninghouse tbh he finds it hard to voice his own opinion to her. She's been known to send multiple long antagonistic messages when she doesn't agree with something and he fears her making issues with contact with his kids.
So, whatever she says, mostly goes.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 11/02/2021 10:12

Then draw your line in the sand right here: you base your movements on what you (most importantly) and OH collectively (next most importantly) think is right. Not what she says.

This will stand you in good stead as stop you getting caught up in a triangle of drama.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 11/02/2021 10:16

I’m an (amicable split) ex wife. I tried so hard to insist on this but exDH ignored me. Let me tell you why I wanted to. Firstly, if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me (this was to try and stop him introducing them to everyone and confusing them). Secondly if she is going to be involved in our children’s lives then it’s good to have communication lines open and to try and forge a friendly relationship. Thirdly, I was thinking about the future when we will necessarily have to meet at family events, it would be so much better if we know each other and there is no awkwardness.
It was nothing to do with not trusting who he dated or wanting to vet her, it was everything to do with being amicable for the children.
Incidentally, he didn’t let her meet me first, she refuses to let him talk to me about anything apart from the children (we used to have coffee together or lunch weekly or so), so now we have a very clandestine friendship and she is kept in the dark. It also makes it very awkward for our children as we can’t all pop out for a coffee if we bump in to each other. ( For the record neither of us want to get back together and I am very happy with new DP so not looking to get him back)!
I don’t see the harm in meeting her, assuming her reasons are like mine were. It’s so much better if you are all able to be friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2021 10:16

Absolutely not. Been married years, have a child together, never officially met her. Not a chance. Ditch her off Facebook and don’t agree to meet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2021 10:17

[quote Fairygodmotherplease]@Leaninghouse tbh he finds it hard to voice his own opinion to her. She's been known to send multiple long antagonistic messages when she doesn't agree with something and he fears her making issues with contact with his kids.
So, whatever she says, mostly goes.[/quote]
This is your warning, I’d keep your eyes open and your heart detached for now. Life will be hard. You could choose an easier path, I would.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2021 10:20

I don’t see the harm in meeting her, assuming her reasons are like mine were. It’s so much better if you are all able to be friends.

Based on OP’s posts, this is clearly not your case.

Youseethethingis · 11/02/2021 10:32

I’d be more worried that your DPs balls are still in her hands, rather than that principle of meeting his ex. This does not bode well.

LatentPhase · 11/02/2021 10:38

@Youseethethingis

I’d be more worried that your DPs balls are still in her hands, rather than that principle of meeting his ex. This does not bode well.

^^ this

Fairygodmotherplease · 11/02/2021 10:44

@Martinisarebetterdirty Her reasons may be similar, or partly similar and I would like to get on with her for the children's sake, hence why I have her as a Facebook friend. I wouldn't be against popping out for a coffee or days out together etc. It's mainly the meeting her first and the logistical challenges it brings, it seems to be holding back our relationship and it makes it tricky when he has his kids for 4-5 days.

OP posts:

ihavenowords30 · 11/02/2021 10:47

7 years in and I have only seen my partners ex once and we never spoke. My partner has never meet her new husband either!

Pippa234 · 11/02/2021 10:55

I met my dhs ex at her request as she said she wanted to meet who ever he was dating before they met their son, even though she had already introduced her boyfriend without telling my DH.
I did it to try and start a friendly amicable relationship.
Turns out she was just doing it to size me up, nothing to do with actually establishing a friendly relationship.
As she caused hell for years afterwards with her jealousy causing drama after drama.

I would like to meet my dhs new partner if we split because I would be keen on co parenting well and being friendly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2021 11:02

Why is it holding things back? Because he’s too gutless to stand up to her?

Have you had a good read of threads on this board? I think you’ve got a potential shit storm of power struggles ahead of you tbh. If he doesn’t have a back bone things will always be a nightmare. Why doesn’t he have an official contact schedule? And how often does he have them? Do you mean he has 4/5 days a week? That would make him the primary carer.

LindaEllen · 11/02/2021 11:03

I don't think that's appropriate at all. I've been with my DP almost 4 years and I've still not met DSS's mum! (He's 17 and gets the train to and from hers, as she lives quite far away).

It's not up to the mother to veto her ex's partners. It's up to the ex - as a parent - to decide when the right time is to introduce the kids to their new partner.

bogoffmda · 11/02/2021 11:25

I did not need to meet the first one - she was ex family friend. Had known my DCs since birth and became the SM from hell.

Second one - asked to meet me, and we went to the pub. We now have amicable v good relationship - EX and I do meals with the DCs just us two - so they can have conversations with their parents and we do joint meals with all new DPs. DCs happy - we co parent with same discipline, rules etc - so less stressful and no I do not want him back. I did not trust his judgement after the first SM.

RedMarauder · 11/02/2021 12:52

Nope - if she dominates your partner then don't meet her.

Your partner needs to grow a pair and if he refuses to then you are going to have to lump it or walk away.

There are plenty of threads all over this board on partners who refuse to set boundaries with their ex and then with their children.

FinallyHere · 11/02/2021 13:08

So, whatever she says, mostly goes.

Are you sure that this is how you want your life to be, for ever? He might make a very attractive partner but this part isn't going to change any time soon.

How will be feel about being the bottom of the priority list all.the.time?

RedMarauder · 11/02/2021 13:22

Oh and if you have to post on here stating "whatever she says, mostly goes" you already know there is an issue between them that has implications for your own relationship, even though you can't yet put your finger on it.

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LatentPhase · 11/02/2021 13:45

^^ this

user1493413286 · 11/02/2021 14:09

I think it’s respectful to meet the other parent at some point but it’d get my back up that it was a rule and that you can’t meet the kids when is right for you because of waiting to meet her. I met DSDs mum when me and DH started getting more serious but I’d met DSD a few times before as the timescales weren’t up to her mum. I’d be a bit worried about how much control she will have in the future and your DPs ability to stand up to her and say he’ll do things how he thinks is best.

FlamingGreatGalaahs · 11/02/2021 14:49

I think that's a reasonable request op.
Imagine it was your own kids?

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