Bedroom allocation

[Sessy19]

Interested in opinions please.

Currently TTC. Just in process of buying a standard 3-bed in UK where we have master, a reasonable double and a slightly smaller 3rd.

SKIDs are SS11 and SD8. They are scheduled to stay fri-Sun every other WE-reality is that SS often cancels now to hang out with mates and we see him on sat only, he stays overnight every couple of months.

They share a room at BMs who is the resident parent, although there is some indication that she’s contemplating moving to a 3-bed so the kids can have their own rooms.

I want to reserve the larger (double) for new baby, set the 3rd room up as a spare with double but have a pull out bed for visitors (so SD will have spare for herself when she stays and pullout when her brother stays so he’ll have the double, or however they want to work it out).

AIBU? I think OH will expect the SKIDs to have their own rooms until baby arrives and requires own room. I don’t know that removing a room from either child once DC arrives will do much for the family dynamics...

[Starlight345]

As they share at mums and Ss doesn’t stay often I would give them the larger bedroom . The baby only needs space for clothes and a bed. That said the baby is not even here yet . You would be looking 15 months down the line if you even conceived.

The thing that isn’t sitting right with me is wanting to set it up as a spare. It should be set up as the children’s bedroom . It should be there second home not visitors

[ellaV]

Personally, I'd give the baby the small room, and I'd make the second double into a spare room with double bed, and pull out single. Then it's a spare room for all, not just the step kids?
Not wanting to make them feel unwelcome of course, but it would just seem practical to me.
Could even sell it to your DH as 'there will be nights when you won't want to be disturbed by baby so could sleep in spare room comfortably'!? Mine would go for that in a heartbeat!!

[Somerville]

You want to 'reserve' a room for a human being who doesn't even exist yet?

Oh and "skids" is a horrible term.

Is there a plan for what happens when DSS and DSD can't share anymore? Onset of puberty pretty much rules that out.

[lunar1]

The horror that your dh wants his children to have bedrooms!

[CoffeeIsNotEnough]

Big room for your step kids to share.

Small room for possible future baby.

[Sessy19]

We’ve set up the second bedroom as a child’s room for them, they just don’t use it as they use their room at their mothers...obviously when they spend time with their Dad they want his company in communal spaces. They simply sleep in the bedroom.

Also, it’s very difficult to ‘set up’ a room to be one for an 8yr old girl AND a pre-teen lad. Whatever we did with their last room was dissatisfactory for the one or the other, so we had a chat about it and they both agreed on pales and androgyny. It will be a neutral space, just as at their mother’s.

@starlight345 I refer to it as the spare room because for 28 days of a month it’s empty! It IS spare. It’s not a reflection on my relationship with them, don’t panic!

My point is, which may have been unclear, do we give them a room each from the off, only to whip it away from one of them when there’s a third child? Or do we start off with them sharing? (But thanks for the positivity about my fertility-no really, cheers!)

[PositivelyPERF]

and "skids" is a horrible term

😁 I did a 😒 when I saw skids, then realised the OP means Step kids. OP, the short hand on Mumsnet is usually SC, as in Step Children. 😁 If you SS (step son) is only staying a couple of times a month, can you get a single bed seat for the living room or dinner, if you have one. That way, he’ll have privacy and you’re not giving up a room for a child that is rarely there and your SD can have her own room. Good luck with getting pregnant. 💐

[Sessy19]

There is no plan for when puberty starts, no. The children will just have to share gender-appropriately as and when it becomes significant or practical. We can’t afford a 4-bedroom house to enable children who don’t live with us to have a space each. Might even have to sleep on the sofa like I did when I stayed at my dads! What do you think about that!?! Child abuse right?

[Sessy19]

I’m fine with SKIDs-my auto correct knows it

[PositivelyPERF]

Calm down OP. Step parents can’t do right for doing wrong on Mumsnet, sometimes. Don’t let the comments get to you. What about something like this? You can get cheaper ones, but they may not be as comfortable.

www.relaxsofasandbeds.co.uk/products/details/buoyant-dexter-chair-bed-80cm.html?aditem=66795&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI25ia65nL2wIVyfhRCh2iQAd6EAQYDyABEgIzg_D_BwE

[HeddaGarbled]

Step daughter has own bedroom. Third bedroom will be for stepson on the rare occasions he stops over for the time being. Either or both bedrooms can be used for guests when the children aren’t with you.

You are probably looking at over a year before you need a bedroom for your possible new baby. If and when that happens and if your stepson still isn’t staying over very often, it would make sense for that room to become the baby’s.

You would then have to talk with your stepson about whether he’d prefer to go in with the baby, or his sister (she might not like that idea by then), or on a sofa bed in the living room. Last resort, the baby could go in with you on the rare occasions that your stepson stays over.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

SKIDS and BM are not appropriate terms. It’s DSD/DSS and Mum.

Give DSD the smallest room to herself.

Put a double bed in double room and have as a guest room. DSS can sleep there when he stays. It’s not appropriate for pre teen/teen boys and girls to be sharing rooms.There is no baby yet so no need to worry about where it will go yet. It may be years before your hypothetical baby needs to go into its own room.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

There is no plan for when puberty starts, no. The children will just have to share gender-appropriately as and when it becomes significant or practical.

Do you realise that girls as young as 8 can have periods? When do you expect puberty to start? You have an 11 year old DSS, It’s right around the corner if not already begun.

We can’t afford a 4-bedroom house to enable children who don’t live with us to have a space each.

You don’t need a 4 bedroom house. There are two children and two bedrooms to assign.

[backinthatdress]

You seriously think letting step children sleep on sofas when they come around is the right thing? It’s not their fault you had a shit dad that made you bunk on the sofa! Why can’t they have a room each and you baby shares with the youngest in the bigger room?

I hope your OH actually has some balls and sticks up for his kids and gives them a room each.

And considering you’re not even pregnant yet they should have their own rooms until the need to change which would be over a year away anyway and that’s if you got pregnant asap.

[Skyejuly]

Children should be in there own room. Esp 11yr old step son.

[Spam88]

I think if you're not pregnant yet you should let them have a room each, seems silly having them sharing and one room empty.

[moodance]

Buy a 4 bedroom house so each child have their own room. Or why don't you get a caravan and stick it on the drive ...

Jezz ... they share a bedroom already ... if you weren't buying a 3 bedroom house would there be an option for them now?

So you are planning on having your own child ... if that's the case why don't you have an open conversation with the kids and state whatever the sex is the baby would share the room?

Or you could give them the option of sharing.

Personally I would fully involve the children so they don't feel pushed out of and when a baby comes along ... if the children have their own room from day dot and then the baby comes along and one has to share etc ... they will feel kicked in the teeth!

You might be surprised how the children feel about the options ... good luck!

[MrsMotherHen]

both should each have a room! sort little room out when baby arrives. It doesnt sound like your happy about them being there at all would you be happy if YOUR 8 year old girl shared with her almost teen brother. It should be there home aswell and they should be made to feel welcome how welcome to you think they will feel if you have them use the "guest room" they aremt and shouldn't be treated as such they are family!

[WhiteCat1704]

Give them bedroom each for now.
When you get pregnant and have your own child he/she gets the smallest room and get the biggest room divided-ikea dividers or courtains etc. so that both SC can share and have some privacy.

Alternatively set up the dinning room downstairs in a way that allows it to be used as an extra bedroom and give it to SS, SD gets the smallest room and your DC gets the second biggest.

[lunar1]

Your not pregnant, it took me 8 years to have DS1. Their dad will expect them to have a room each because he has two children and two rooms.

[RunningBean]

You're not even pregnant yet, presuming it happens soon you're still talking 1.5-2 years until it leaves your room.
How would you explain sticking them in the small room together? Surely a 'we want to keep the big bedroom empty' or 'its reserved for a theoretical baby' will cause more issues than a conversation once he's 14 about where he wants to sleep once the rooms actually needed. (living room, pull out bed in baby's room and baby in your room etc.)

[HeckyPeck]

I can see where you're coming from OP with not wanting either of them to feel pushed out by the baby's arrival. It's coming from a good place. I think if you make them sleep in one smaller room when there's an empty, larger "spare" reserved for the baby that's likely to make them feel more resentful about the situation.

It's a tricky situation I'd say room each for now (with DSD is smaller room as DSS doesn't stay so often so might be less then resentful at "losing" a room) then reassess when you're pregnant/when baby arrives.

If sounds like the smaller room is fairly large if it has space for a double and a pull out bed so it should be ok for 2 sharing. Perhaps 2 singles with some dividers/curtains or similar.

You'd have 6 months with the baby in with you for them to adjust to the room switch around.

[welshweasel]

Surely give each their own room for now. If you conceive this month then it’s going to be at least 15 months before you need a room for the baby. Then I’d put a cot plus a single/double bed in that room and when SS stays over you bring the baby in with you in a travel cot. That buys you about 3 years from now, by which time lots will have changed and you can think again. It’s useful to have a bed in a nursery anyway for when baby is ill or for your husband if you end up cosleeping with the baby.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

They should both have a room each for now. Baby is hypothetical and the moment and can share a room with you for the first year or two anyway, meaning it’s quite a few years before this will be an actual issue

[MargaretCavendish]

Might even have to sleep on the sofa like I did when I stayed at my dads! What do you think about that!?! Child abuse right?

Well, I do think it's pretty shit. It's sad that you were given bare minimum, but don't you want to go beyond that?