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Things are so nice during the week!

(103 Posts)
yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:08:35

As I type this I have my own children playing in the garden, two step children upstairs doing their own thing. Tried to involve them downstairs but they don't want to. Fiancé has popped into town.

I hate having them here

Lilaclily Thu 17-Apr-14 12:09:49

What's wrong with them doing their own thing?!
How old are they ?

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:13:45

Because they are stroppy while doing it. My kids have tried involving them but they aren't interested. Fiancé is upset as they're obviously unhappy

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:13:56

9 and 11

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 17-Apr-14 12:14:29

Not surprised with your attitude to them.

DeadCert Thu 17-Apr-14 12:16:13

Maybe it's you they are trying to keep away from.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier Thu 17-Apr-14 12:16:55

What a horrible attitude op. Your sc sound unhappy. Instead of coming on here saying you hate having them there why are You and their Dad not talking to them finding out what you can do to make them feel more at home?

I am a step mum btw.

Lilaclily Thu 17-Apr-14 12:19:11

Why didn't your dp take them with him??

DeadCert Thu 17-Apr-14 12:20:52

Totally agree with Holdon, what are you doing to rectify the situation?

"Things are so nice in the week" what a horrid comment.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:39:01

Before we shoot her down is there any background to this? Is it just that they don't join in or are your feelings due to them being rude or horrible just because you're with their dad?

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:50:52

Wow, jumped all over on a 'support' forum.

We all get along fine, bit weekends are becoming increasingly hard work. My step son is sarcastic and a teaser and regularly brings my children to tears. Step daughter is stroppy and stomps about.

I've tried and tried. I've included them in everything. Them going off causes problems as obviously my fiancé wants them to be happy (as do I).

I'm fed up with everything being fine during the week and everyone being happy and then there is so much tension at weekends.

comicsansisevil Thu 17-Apr-14 13:53:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:58:06

The OP didn't say in any shape or form that she is making her DSC feeling unwelcome. More over she said that she tried to involve them, but they chose to run off in a strop.

This sounds more like their fathers failure, who leaves step mum alone with DSC and expects her to babysit, and fails to instil basic manners in his children. If my DSD would be behaving in such an ungrateful manner, there would be a reason for a strop in time.

The OPs invite to the DSC to play with her DC was perfectly nice and the fact that DSC went off in a strop isn't the OPs fault. The situation is to blame, and there goes: You can't fix what you didn't break.

While children who experienced divorce certainly have their burden to carry, what parents must do is provide a sense or normality, i.e. no special treatment, as treating them special, or even if they have experienced something abnormal (divorce really is normal these days, isn't it.), would most certainly produce a entitled and spoilt adult who thinks that the world owes them god-knows-what. (Read: Disney Parenting)

Contrary to what some ladies here seem to think, a step parent doesn't owe the DSC anything either, it is his or her choice what she gives them. Marrying someone with children does not change that. They are not the children of the step parent. It is of course better if the step parent and the children like each other, however even that does not entitle anyone to anything. After all they already have two parents who (supposedly) care for them, and if you actually ask most DSC, they want their parents, not step mum, no matter how nice she is, and no "making them feel more welcome" (by doing what? throwing candy at them? letting them do whatever they want??) is not going to fix the way they feel.

Yes, these children are unhappy, as what they want most in the world (mum and dad being back together) is not what is going to happen. Part of life is to learn that you can't always have what you want, and that feeling bad doesn't entitle you to special treatment. The way they feel doesn't give them a free pass to behave like the princess on the pea and disregard all basic manners. Here it is the parents job to ensure that these are learnt.

To the OP: I'm sorry you feel this way, you must feel horrible to have two persons in your home who you're trying to feel welcome but who chose to disrupt your normal life instead of joining in. I would imagine them being upset about the upcoming wedding, and hence looking for attention. You need to chat to your partner, he needs to do something about their behaviour (e.g. explain that this isn't acceptable, but also reassuring them that they are an important part of his life still and that this won't change). Also take into account that children will not do what doesn't work. Meaning: They are getting something out of being like this. Are they behaving like this a lot? Do they get attention from it (this can be positive or negative)? If so, explain this once to them with your partner (or just him) and then ignore the behaviour.

Aroundtheworldandback Thu 17-Apr-14 14:25:55

Excellent well informed post dogfish

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 14:58:15

Dogfish, thank you!!!

My fiancé just told me that his two quite obviously aren't welcome here, that he cuddles mine all the time but I don't do that with his two. Difference is that mine ask him for isn't that he offers them. His two aren't like that.

He told me that obviously I'm not giving them any attention on the journey (I picked them up yesterday, it's easier than him going as he doesn't drive) as his daughter was moody when she got here. He was actually really insulting. The journey was fine!

I told him that actually the problem here is that he isn't spending any time with them! He works from home and has been working all day upstairs. So why have them here? They have plenty of stuff here so entertaining themselves is fine, but he isn't doing anything to actively make time for them. So he has taken them out for a bit

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 15:35:53

Hrm, yoyo, don't take this the wrong way grin) But obviously your DSC are there to spend time with your fiancé not with you or your kids.

Of course there should be family time as well, as you are set to marry and you are forming a new family unit, but I can see your partner failing quite badly here and blaming you for it. I find it quite outrageous that he blames their behaviour on you to be honest. Of course they will not react well if they know that he isn't going to spend any time with them, and as you are the weakest link they will direct their resentment towards you.

He should be making time for his DCs, especially if he is not the resident parent and time is short. It is not your responsibility to babysit them while his priorities are elsewhere. Maybe you should take your own DC on a fun trip and leave your partner with his own DC.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 15:40:12

Btw. I still think that even though the DSCs behaviour is somewhat understandable, it's still not acceptable. The sulking has to be nipped in the butt. I can't see your partner seeing the light anytime soon though sad

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:10:43

Dogfish, I agree with you! He is fab at spending time with my children, but not so much at spending time with his own. Partly because mine are very much into playing and enjoy the time. His two aren't so bothered. They'd rather sit and watch a film.

I can't give his two my full time and attention as we have two little ones that need my time (4 m and 17 m)

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 16:23:04

perhaps that's because your children haven't had their lives turned upside down and aren't unwelcome and disliked in the house they are staying in? maybe that's why the dsc aren't as carefree and delightful as your little darlings.

you and dogfish sound cold and unpleasant.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:24:42

So basically, he expects you to make all the effort and gets angry at you when his kids throw your effort in your face, I too would be annoyed! If your kids want to interact with him then it is easy for him to give them attention, what can you do if his kids don't want your attention, they clearly just want him and he's either too busy or not interested... sounds like he is projecting on to you because he feels guilty. If they are here tomorrow I would go out for a few hours, ask if everyone wants to go, assuming they will say no, and then just leave him with them fingers crossed they'll interact!

other than that some harsh words need to be said about his attitude, like another poster said, you don't owe his kids anything, if he wants you to have a relationship with them he needs to have a chat with them about trying to be involved!

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:26:25

Green sleeves I'm sorry but it sounds like the problem is her dp, not her, she's made plenty of effort which his kids don't return I too would feel exasperated - her dp should be trying to get to the bottom of it!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 16:30:04

"We all get along fine, bit weekends are becoming increasingly hard work. My step son is sarcastic and a teaser and regularly brings my children to tears. Step daughter is stroppy and stomps about. "

What are your children's faults? What are yours?

JumpingJackSprat Thu 17-Apr-14 16:34:05

I think some people have not realised this is on step parenting forum not AIBU. Op is here for support not people projecting and telling her what a bad person she is blah blah fucking blah.

Op your dp needs to sort this out it sounds like you're trying and he isn't.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:39:46

SillyBilly, the topic is not what the OPs or her DCs faults are. She is looking for support and perhaps a place to vent her understandable frustration. If you haven't got anything useful to say perhaps you should not waste your time to stir already emotional people up for no better reason than your own amusement.

Greensleeves, you sound like a judgemental and bitter person.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 16:43:38

Dogfish i was trying to make a point that whilst OP is happily listing her SDC's faults he is ignoring that everyone has faults and that her SDC are probably finding her and her dcs faults as difficult as she is finding theirs. A reminder that these children are jut as human as she and her children and struggling with it as she is can sometimes help find solutions quicker than the blame game can.

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