OK nosey survey following on from another thread.

[gess]

Do you like being told that parents of SN children are recipients of a 'special gift' or chosen by God because some higher power knew we could cope? (sorry expat pinched some of your wording there).

I'm interested to know what the figures are, I reckon its 50:50 love/loathe the comments. I'm in the loathe camp

[moondog]

Hmmm,it strikes me that there must be some greater force at work when an salt has a child with a language disorder.
Irony never lost on me!

[harleyd]

my nephew has spina bifida and brittle bones.
my sil would get quite cross at somebody saying that to her

[lou33]

i've had that said to me

told them it was a load of rubbish and how much something that patronising pisses me off

[Blossomhill]

Very insulting imo and the "oh I don't know how you do it" comment annoys the f* out of me too!

[mymatemax]

NO - IMHO its a load of old Bo**ocks.
I love ds of course & love him as he is BUT I would sooner he & us had it a bit easier.

As for chosen by GOD, surely an argument not to go to church.

As I said my opinions only & understand that others feel differently.

[HeppyChick]

Loathe, makes my sphincter clench along with my teeth.

[2shoes]

hate it

always think it is an opener for you to tell said person how they are wonderful and would cope.

[Blu]

No!

But it's better than being told that DS's leg is a result of my being a sinner and all I can do is pray, LOL!

I don't like anything that 'blames' or 'explains' any form of SN except 'that's the way nature / biology is...it's part of our mortal human condition'

And it's an underhand way of saying 'so don't complain about the extra pressure or challenge because we all know that you can take it. It suffocates pelpl who ae at the end of theri tether and for good reason. Anyway, SO many of the challenges of having a chilkd with SN are human-made (through burocracy etc) and not to do with the child at all. Some people are expected to put up with crap more than others? To hell with that!

And it's shmaltzy and cloying and just icky!

[lou33]

iusually say something along hte lines of

"well what do you expect me to do, give him back? it's not like as a parent you have any choice but to get on with it, he's my child and i love him, simple as that"

[geekgirl]

no, I would be insulted - particularly at the very idea of me believing in some kind of higher power, and the whole bullshit of dd2 being singled out.

Ooooh yes, the 'You must be such a saint' comments really fuck me off. Usually uttered by people who have such vile children I wouldn't want to spend more than 10 minutes in one room with them.

[anniebear]

No way am I special and no way can I cope!!!!

I wouldnt be overly insulted but I would think silly silly people!!!! for saying it to me

and I would think only people who didnt know me really would say it!!

[eidsvold]

nope - hate it hate it - even worse the comments after I say yes I knew dd1 would have sn and 'chose' to have her regardless..... usually seen as even more 'special' and saintly than those poor souls who didn't know iyswim. tbh shits me to tears things like that.

if I was chosen to be dd1's mother on the basis of said saintliness or patience register or selflessness then GOD must have been having a day of taking the piss..... I am not patient, I am definitely NO saint - because I love and care for my child just as everyone else does and I am not selfless. ( just ask dh )

can I say though - I have felt for dh and I that we had been 'prepared' for this in some way - having contact whilst growing up and in our adult lives with families who have a member/child with down syndrome - parents and children who are so positive about people with down syndrome who have been able to support and advise us and cheer us on at times - reinforce our view that ds is not scary, they are not 'problems'. I know it sounds honky BUT i think it made our decision antenatally that easy - not that there was a decision to be made. I feel we have been very fortunate with the people we have come across in our life prior to have dd1 and the amazing people we have met since.

[tobysmumkent]

Message withdrawn

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

I have felt touched and I have felt irritated/patronised depending entirely upon how I am dealing with stuff at the time.

What we should try to remember is that usually people mean well.. many of them are in genuine awe of what we do, day in day out, even though we have no choice. And it really isn't other people's fault that we feel narked at their turn of phrase, not if they are trying to genuinely compliment us.

[bigwombat]

I find it very silly really, rather than being narked. It's usually said in good faith I think, but it's just a ridiculous comment to make! Just recently a Mum told me that she believed that all my sins would be forgiven because of dd2 - lol, that gives me free rein then!

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Of course none of can actually prove that we haven't been chosen for our SN children can we!

Or maybe we chose them for ourselves.. or they chose us!

Go on.. take a swing for me

[deepbreath]

I hate the comments, moreso if they're accompanied by pitying looks and "oh, it's such a shame"

Dd is more of a target for this now she's in a Major buggy... people see the buggy, the glasses and the Piedro's, and feel they have to say/do something. It's almost like when you're heavily pregnant and the world has to pass some comment or pat your bump, and we all know how well that goes down with most Mnetters

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

I'm think I'm playing devil's advocate today.. not sure why.. but sometimes we feel equally insulted when our children are "ignored".

When I am feeling balanced.. which isn't often.. I try to stretch my mind back to how I used to feel before I er... "ended up in Holland" so to speak,.. and I will hold up my hand and admit I didn't always knows how to behave when in close promximity to disabled people and/or what to say - if anything - to their carers.

Remember that?

[deepbreath]

I kind of agree with you too Shiny. I equally hate it when dd shouts hello to someone, and they blank her and scuttle away pronto.

[bigwombat]

Totally agree with you Shiny!

[BigBeeristheBigBeer]

I think people without SN children try to say stuff like this as a meaningless placatory comment.

I always think what sort of God would maim my daughter in order to construct some sort of test for me to pass?

And anyway aren't we all just meaningless flotsam and jetsam, and shit happens to all of us one way or another, but until it does you don't think it will.

God that makes me sound miserable!

[bubblagirl]

i appreciate the fact that you felt what i wrote on another thread was worth starting a new threaqd about but it really has made me so sad crying while i write this i was being supportive and just feel that people wo haave children with sn children i have so much respect for you failed to write i work with them and have parents say this to me all the time that they feel blessed so was just writing what they tell me

i didn't realise oi would then be made to feel like s**t for being supportive and saying how special and wonderful your children are would you rather i didn't acknowledge them or talk about them or look down on them how would you treat me then

maybe i didn't choose my words carefully but i said what parents say to me on a daily basis and i was just being nice

[bubblagirl]

thank you shiny for trying to make people aware we never real;ly know what to say as people are always so sensitive with the issue from people who do not have sn children but as you say were just trying to be nice

[Sidge]

Well I don't believe in God but if I did I would think s/he had a pretty sick sense of humour for 'giving' me a disabled child.

But I understand that people who make those sorts of comments mean well, even if I find them teeth-clenchingly twee and nauseatingly patronising.