Worried about my boy - Aspergers

[Worriedaboutboy]

Posting for traffic....sorry.

So last week I was out in the park with my friend and her four kids and my two. DS1 is three in October and I have a 6 month old baby. Friend is a SENCO. kids were all playing on some apparatus. My boy was joining in here and there but then at one point he starting walking around the swings etc in his own world. He was talking to himself and pretending to play at something. I was watching him and flippantly said "think he's got some of...............in him." (I used the name of a mutual friend who's boy has Aspergers). She looked back at me and I knew she wanted to say more. So I asked her to be honest and she said she'd thought same. She then said she'd seen him flapping him arms in excitement over something once and that he struggles to address her and other friend by first names. She said he goes through me to ask her for things, if we're at their house for example.

I've been a little wary as I have a cousin who has Aspergers and I'm a teacher so sometimes more heightened to theses things. Other "things" that might suggest it are - lining up his trucks and cars when he plays with them, he never says goodbye or waves to people preferring to just smile goodbye, potty training is ongoing and not easy, disliking me sing (but could be my voice), lack of confidence in new settings and needs me to hold his hand while he takes it all in, likes being at home although he's fine when we do go out.

Don't wanna drip feed but can't think of anything else.

I've just put these things down to confidence and shyness. Husband and I are sociable but we're reserved in a way and like to take our surroundings in. He seems ok in other ways, likes books, loves a good puzzle, plays with variety of toys and if we do go to new places, once he's warmed up and settled in, he's fine. SENCO friend said he often needs to check in with me if we're out and about.

Should I be worried or is SENCO friend just seeing things and adding it all up wrong?!

[smu06set]

Look up the 'triad of impairments' - to be diagnosed they have to have difficulties in all 3 areas.
Nth some of what you mention could well just be him, some is typical autism (ordering toys, spinning, flapping). But he is still young!
Does he have any sensory issues e.g. dislike of certain clothes, chewing, fiddling?

[MollyHuaCha]

No real words of wisdom to offer apart from if it turns out he does have Aspergers, he will still be your son and you will still love him just as much.

[Gorgosparta]

Sounds like my ds at 3.

In the supermarket he would line up stuff on shelves that were messed up.

Played imagination games alone. Physical signs of excitement, flapped. Hated singing (especially anyone singing happy birthday) wouldn't eave or say hello.

He is 6 now and definitely NT. Some of these things he still does. Sime he doesnt.

He is going into year 2 does well at school, has friends etc.

Tbh every senco i know would not even hint to parent like this. Especially outside their job. Maybe you are reading more into it.

[Gorgosparta]

Oh and i have aspergers. So was worried too. Forgot that rather important point.

[A1Sharon]

My 12yo son has Aspergers. He has a best friend who was assessed as a child but did not meet the criteria for ASD.
Now the friend definitely has a few autistic 'traits', poor eye contact, limited diet etc. So I can see it in him but only because I am so switched on to it. This could be what others who are very in tune with ASD see in your son.
My son and his friend are both polite, funny, kind and brilliant, and it sounds like your boy is too.

[GoingRogue]

My youngest is 3.5 and I could have written a lot of your post 4-6 months ago. My ds does that thing where he goes into his own world and charters/mumbles to himself, never really liked toddler groups esp the singing at the end. Loves to be at home, playing by himself, loves puzzles and was slow to potty train. He's also not great with eye contact or talking to/interacting with adults (he comes across really rude!).

But. A few months down the line I'd say those things are improving. I spoke to my psychologist friend at the time (she diagnoses autism in children) and she put my mind at rest saying there is SO MUCH crossover with behaviours at this age. Fussy eating, lack of social skills, lining cars up can all be totally normal.

I don't have any children with SEN though, so couldn't comment on the flapping and spinning. Hopefully someone with more experience and knowledge will be along to help.

[Worriedaboutboy]

Thanks for your advice and replies so far.

Gorgo - What does NT mean?

[kaykay72]

3 is very young - kids all develop at different rates in different ways. He may have ASD, he may not.

Our son has aspergers. He was diagnosed at 7. He's now 18. He found that he is very passionate and talented in cyber security, he got great A levels and is going to his top choice uni on an unconditional offer to do a masters degree, having won a big national event to identify talented amateurs. He took up a martial art at the age of 12 and by 16 was on the national squad, he has a university sports scholarship to help fund his training at uni. He has two organisations looking at uni scholarship and has already been offered paid summer work by a major financial company in London for the summer breaks. He doesnt have a massive circle of friends but he does socialise, he's happy with how his life is going. He's a caring lad with a wicked sense of humour and is a great son. It wasn't all plain sailing at school, he was happy with his own company which made him a target for those who can't leave well alone, but this prompted the martial art which made him a more rounded person. He is blossoming.

I just wanted to tell you this to say that if your son is eventually diagnosed it's not all bad. Many people with ASD are insanely talented in one thing and once they find their niche they bloom.

Xxx

[GoingRogue]

*chatters.

Oh, my psych friend also said to me "don't forget, we are ALL on the spectrum somewhere", which helped.

[Worriedaboutboy]

He's playing with his cars right now making sure they all have a driver and that the emergency vehicles have lights on. But I thought ordering toys was normal developmental behaviour.

[Worriedaboutboy]

Thanks kaykay, your son sounds like credit to you and a star!

[Gorgosparta]

Gorgo - What does NT mean?

Sorry neuro typical.

[Gorgosparta]

But I thought ordering toys was normal developmental behaviour.

It is for lots of children.

[Worriedaboutboy]

Thanks everyone for replies. Very grateful. Struggling to keep up with individual replies. How do you aim a replly at a person?

Trying to make some food and reply!

[Mogtheanxiouscat]

Many people have some traits. But to be on the autistic spectrum you have to actually be autistic.

I know it's a popular statement to say we are all on the spectrum. But it's very unhelpful to those of us who actually are autistic and face many challenges in every day life.

I'll get off my soap box now

[Worriedaboutboy]

Other thing I've remembered - hates and I mean hates having hair cut. Has proper meltdown. But not fussed with it being washed and water all over face!!

[Mogtheanxiouscat]

But to try and answer your post, there are some autism flags there but he's young and as said, there are cross over behaviours at that early age.

My dd was 6 before I went to doc about her. I had concerns from an early age but it took time for me to be sure she was definitely different somehow.

[GoingRogue]

If you put an asterix before and after the person's username then it bolds it. I click and hold on their name to "copy" (on my Samsung phone using mobile site).

Or you could use @ then username, but that will send an email alert to the person.

Mine has meltdowns when it's hair cut time too! Made dh do it yesterday and he sent me a text saying it was impossible. Had a proper meltdown in the hair dressers. He then took him outside and said "you're going to get Daddy in trouble with Mummy if you don't have it done..." and apparently he was ok then. Well, he probably sat there sobbing but that's what he does when he's not going ballistic.

[TatterdemalionAspie]

my psych friend also said to me "don't forget, we are ALL on the spectrum somewhere", which helped.

[sighs] No, we are not all on the spectrum somewhere, and when professionals say this, it really makes me wonder about their training and competence. It's a spectrum of autism conditions, not a spectrum with autism at one end and NTs on the rest of it. There is such variability in autism, from severe, non verbal, through savants, through above-average intelligence people with Aspergers, through comorbidities and learning difficulties, and incorporating things like PDA; it's this variety in presentation of autism that is meant by spectrum. Not that everyone is on it!

NT means neuro typical, OP. ND means neuro diverse. With regards to your DS, I think your friend's remarks were a bit unprofessional and ill advised, tbh. He may be displaying traits at this point, but equally he may just enjoy lining up his toys, solo imaginative play and be a bit shy!

[GoingRogue]

Mogtheanxiouscat sorry if I offended, I didn't realise. Maybe I should tell my friend to stop saying it?!

[TatterdemalionAspie]

Ah, Mog said it more succinctly! [elbows Mog off soapbox]

[Thegiantofillinois]

I often wonder this about Ds. He flaps, chews, get as obsessed over stuff and although he makes friends easily, his social skills are terrible- gas to 've prompte dc to say hello/ goodbye etc. Not good at 2 way conversation However, so m w of traits link to dyspraxia, which I also suspect (took years to learn to ride a bike, poor cootdination). He's 8. And school were bemused when I mentioned it, but then, my school is pretty good with and and not all schools are. I'm not sure what difference a diagnosis would make; other kids are going to see him as a bit odd anyway.

[TatterdemalionAspie]

Also, just read back what I wrote, and it reads as though I was saying that all people with Asperger's are of above average intelligence. That wasn't what I meant, was just trying to convey the variety of abilities and impairments within the autism spectrum.

[Thegiantofillinois]

'M school is pretty good with asd' that should say. Kindle can't type.

[WhooooAmI24601]

DS1 is 11 now and has ASD. They don't diagnose with Aspergers where we are; it just comes under the ASD umbrella, but if I was to point at a specific part of the spectrum he's on it would absolutely be the Aspergers area. As a little boy he had some quirks that were there but nothing enormous. He was diagnosed at 9 when school and home both became quite a struggle for him. We've got things in place now and he's supported, happy, healthy and an incredible boy.

DS2 is 6 and absolutely NT. However, those 'flags' were definitely there during his early years. Sometimes 3 year olds can behave in certain ways that would indicate something that actually isn't there at all; it can be a stage they go through. Other times it could be ASD, which is why many areas prefer to monitor and assess when children are older as those 'flags' become greater or lesser. If you did a social assessment on DS2 right now he'd still have likely markers. It's not the markers that make the ASD; it's the way in which they progress and work together.

I think your friend and you both sound sensible and smart. Watch him and support him with areas he finds challenging. Be open with nursery, preschool and school about concerns and ask their opinions. But don't get it into your head that he's on the spectrum definitely. Just let him be who he is.