I did CIO with my eldest. She is 12 years now. She was 13 months old at the time. I was 8 months pregnant. I have since had 3 more children, my youngest is 2y.
Cry It Out taught me two things:
(1) it works to get a rocked to sleep baby going to sleep in her cot
(2) to never, ever get into that position again. With subsequent children I have been very, very aware of healthy sleep habits. Because CIO was awful (necessary, but hideous) and I vowed never to do it again.
I have the benefit of hindsight and the experience of 3 other children when I say:
- 9 months is too young. Wait until over a year old.
- Your child will need something to give them comfort, right through until school age. If not a dummy, then a special toy, comfort blanket etc. 9 months is too young to have effectively bonded with a comforter, it's more likely by 12 months. See above point.
- In my view, once you have a comforter in place and a baby who isn't hungry, thirsty or poorly, if you must use a leaving-to-cry method, then CIO is less distressing than CC. I think that keep going in and out the room would be frustrating and even more upsetting. So of the two, I'd do the short, sharp shock of CIO over the prolonged agony of CC. But actually both are awful and there are much better ways of managing baby sleep.
- you need to actively teach your child the mechanism of going to sleep. Leaving them to it doesnt do this. For example learning to lie down, be still, relax, be calm in the place they will go to sleep. Teaching that will require you being there, baby being in cot and possibly you having a firm hand on baby's chest, keep lying back down, to actively teach baby to do that when going to sleep.
- teaching baby healthy sleep habits is hard work. It means not taking the easy option. It's time consuming, requires patience and lots of time and effort. Just shutting the door and walking away won't cut it. Your baby will still have unhealthy sleep habits, just quieter unhealthy sleep habits.
Is there actually any evidence that letting a baby 'cry it out' is damaging to them?
Only anecdotal. I can tell you about my eldest. She was fed every wake up and then rocked to sleep. She had a dummy (introduced late, I considered myself above "those" mums who gave dummies, ha!), no other comforter. She used to fling her head side to side to self comfort too.
CIO meant that within a week we could just put her in the cot to go to sleep, she didn't need rocking. She was 13 months old. However she still woke as frequently (2-4 times a night). Really she just wanted the comfort of seeing mummy or daddy, but developed various excuses - mostly needing milk. No rocking to sleep, but still needing to attend to her in the night.
This continues until she was about 2y6m, when she was very overweight, mainly due to having 3 or 4 breakers if full fat cows milk through the night. Habit so ingrained we struggled to break it. Swapped milk for breakers of very dilute squash. We left 3 or 4 in her cot over night. She quickly slimmed down.
More issues with the quantity of urine produced over night.
We started limiting to one breaker at bedtime and refused others. She just developed other excuses to wake us up. Nightmare, too hot, too cold, nappy full, need a wee - the list goes on. She was in a bed by this time, over 3 years old. So now could physically get up and come into oyr room.
Basically yes, she learnt to go to sleep in her cot/bed on her own. But we failed to teach her how to make healthy sleep happen. She never learnt to sleep deeply. She didn't scream and shout when she woke, but she still woke and even if just briefly seeing me or DH on some excuse or another, she needed that contact with us when she woke.
Roll on her being about 5, we now Had 3 children. She was the one most frequently visiting our bed (we have never routinely coslept with any of our children, but they do visit our bed when needed).
Said daughter is 12 now. Reliant on white noise to sleep (desk fan right in her face), otherwise she wakes frequently. She sleeps with a light on. Not a night light, not even a lamp, but her over head light (albeit dimmed down on the dimmer switch). She will still come into our bed for a cuddle occassionally, even now. For comparison our 11 year old hasn't been in our bed for over 10 years.
She does indeed show signs of insecurity. Especially evident at night time. I very much doubt many other post-pubescent girls her age and maturity still get into mum and dad's bed for a cuddle and still have disturbed nights sleep.
We failed her in terms of sleep.
We have failed to take the time to
teach her how normal people go to sleep and stay asleep.
We made the mistake of assuming she would "just learn herself" if we left her to it. That was kaxy parenting on our part.
We have not made that mistake again.
Our 3 younger children have much healthier sleep habits bought about without any distress or stress. In a gentle, caring and ultimately time-consuming but effective way.
I just need to suck it up and let it ruin my life, relationship, health, mental state
Get a grip. Your a parent now. It's hard graft.
I get that you're allowed to wallow at 5am when you are knackered when you write this. But there are lots of other ways you can solve this.