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Ive been worried about dd at school for a year and finally it sounds like school are too.

(138 Posts)
VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 17:50:38

The head of year has rung and left a message saying she's worried about dd concerning how happy dd is and regarding problems dd is having with other kids.

I'm surprised she's rung to be honest as these problems have been going on for a year and I spoke to the HOY (same teacher) last year who seemed quite dismissive and made me feel I was been all PFB about it.

Dd seems to have a couple of friends who she gets on ok with but apart from that there seems to be quite a few girls who take pleasure in been nasty towards her. Dd was unhappy in Yr 7 a lot of the time, saying she spent quite a bit of time alone, etc. not just that but people were been low key nasty towards her every day, name calling, saying she's a geek, that she's weird, etc.

The constant name calling is getting her down and I worry about how its affecting her confidence. She was crying last week - not even over a specific incident and said she didn't feel safe but couldn't tell me why. I obv talk things over with her, give her little pep talks. I've bought her all the books about girls and friendships, etc.

She came home from school on Monday saying boys had been talking and laughing about her on the bus. Then Tuesday someone shoved a desk into her stomach on purpose and someone else threw a chair at her. This is in lessons, dd says the teacher is oblivious! Then more name calling in the next lesson.

When I speak to the HOY about it what should I be expecting her to say/do to try and sort the situation? Could I ask about counselling for dd as I am quite worried about how down she is. Would this be a CAHMs referral or could they do something in school.

Honestly I read in the news about girls who have committed suicide due to low level bullying like this over years and it frightens me.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 17:53:44

And I have asked myself why its dd that's getting picked on.

She is a bit alternative......she's into different music and manga and drumming. She's also bright and a bit of a geek. But she's a nice polite kid who cares about others.

I've made sure that she has trendy shoes and a trendy bag so she doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. She's into fashion so does wear trendy clothes on non uniform days but she doesn't wear make up like a lot of other year 8s seem to.

I don't care if these other kids don't want to be best mates with her, I just want them to leave her alone.

Bonsoir Wed 06-Nov-13 17:55:25

Crikey. What kind of school is this where your DD is being violently bullied by others and this is not being dealt with?

Bonsoir Wed 06-Nov-13 17:55:59

This is not "low level" bullying by the way.

catchingzeds Wed 06-Nov-13 17:57:28

I wouldn't call this low level bullying, seems much more serious to me. I'm wondering why this has been allowed to continue for a year with such little support for your DD.
I would consider speaking to your GP too.
I feel so sad for your DD and if she was mine I'd be seriously considering removing her from that school and if could I'd home school.

Madlizzy Wed 06-Nov-13 17:59:04

I would be STEAMING with anger on this at the physical abuse that she's received. The HOY needs to investigate these incidents and the perpetrators given consequences to their actions. School also need to tell you how they intend to keep your daughter safe whilst she is in their care. Ask your daughter to write down all the incidences she can recall, especially the physical ones and take that list with you. I'd also ask for a copy of the school's bullying policy.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 18:00:20

The violence with the desk and chair is the first time anything physical has happened for ages. That was only on Tuesday and dd hasn't been at school today as she's not well.

Last year there were three incidents that's were physical. Someone threw something at her on the bus and that girl was suspended. Someone else punched her once and was also suspended. Someone else rugby tackled/charged at her but dd didnt know her name/recognise her so nothing was done.

I actually think the name calling is upsetting her more. Been called a bitch and weird and a freak all the time.

Just a normal comp.

One of my friends has just removed her son from the school as the same was happening to him. Nothing was done until he flipped and punched a bully and he, not the bully, was suspended.

Bonsoir Wed 06-Nov-13 18:05:00

Do you have an alternative school? I wouldn't be doing anything other than looking to change my DC from a school where such things went on.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 18:07:37

I can't home school. The other school has terrible gcse results. I know exams aren't everything but I think dd would hate going to a school with. 30% 5 gcse pass rate.

I've got six names from dd of the girls who she feels are the main ones. The others are just kind of sniggering in the background. So I'll give these names to the HOY and insist she does something.

Dd is currently writing down a list of who's done what when.

Sparklingbrook Wed 06-Nov-13 18:09:46

What Bonsoir said. I moved my DS. It can be done.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 06-Nov-13 18:11:03

DD had problems similar to this at Middle school, one boy rammed a chair into her stomach then DD got told off as he said she had bumped into him. It was horrible and you both have my full sympathy. She stuck out Middle school, then went to an out of catchment Upper where the results aren't great but they got outstanding on Ofsted for the section about how safe the pupils feel.

Seeing her flourish in a different environment makes me regret not moving her for the last year of Middle School. In your position I would definitely have a look at other schools now.

cocolepew Wed 06-Nov-13 18:19:16

That's awful your poor DD.
My DD1 sounds similar to your DD, bit geeky, bright, likes more alternative music than her peers, she goes to a pretty rough high school. The difference us if anything happened to her in terms of name calling bullying etc the took her side and came down hard on the other person. Thankfully it has only been a handful of times, on the whole she plods along nicely.

I would go and speak to the HT, It's outright bullying. Ask to see theyre policy on bullying. I hope you can get something sortedand quickly.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 18:22:58

I've asked dd what she wants to do and she says she wants to move school. Which surprised me.

I asked her won't she miss her two friends and she started crying. She thinks they don't like her anymore. That they were blanking her this week. Dd thinks the other girls have talked her two friends out of liking her.

I have tried telling her that its probably not the case, its not like they've had a falling out. And that when she goes back they'll probably be fine with her but she's not having it. sad

ggirl Wed 06-Nov-13 18:25:04

aww your poor dd, any other options school wise ?

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 06-Nov-13 18:27:33

Is the other one you mentioned totally the only other option ?

Sparklingbrook Wed 06-Nov-13 18:29:18

What are the other options school-wise Viva? DS is at a school 12 miles away because there is only one High School in this town.

Bonsoir Wed 06-Nov-13 18:30:30

Friends-that-aren't are not a good reason for not changing school. The situation sounds really terrible.

Badvoc Wed 06-Nov-13 18:30:44

I think you and your dd need to check out some other schools.
Really sorry to hear what's been going on.

AvonCallingBarksdale Wed 06-Nov-13 18:30:46

VivaLeBeaver, have pm'd you.

mumblechum1 Wed 06-Nov-13 18:31:56

I'd take her out and put her in the rubbish school tbh. Just because the results over all are atrocious doesn't mean that your dd won't do well as an individual.

DH went to a similarly dire comp and did v well, got a good degree, post grad degree etc. If you are there supporting her and if necessary paying for extra tutoring it may well keep her educational standards up and would be a fresh start.

Badvoc Wed 06-Nov-13 18:34:56

I took my son from and outstanding rated school where he had been bullied by the same child for years.
I sent him to a school rated satisfactory.
People thought I was mad. ds was much much happier.
And the first school is now on special measures and his new school is now rated good!!
Please dint pay any intention to ofsted ratings...go and view, ask to be shown round with a pupil if they do that...go with your gut instinct.
I did and it worked out really well for us.

Badvoc Wed 06-Nov-13 18:35:53

...and I went to a sink comp and got 12 GCSE, and 2 a levels.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 18:35:58

Dd passed her 11plus for the grammar in the next town but just missed out on distance. She's still on the waiting list but is seventh on the list and has no chance of getting a place.

There's a good comp the other side of town. But no bus. I work shifts so can't take her. There is a private mini bus that goes from the village but not sure if there's space either on the bus or at the school. School is normally oversubscribed. But I can ask. Dd doesn't want to go to that school as she's heard they're strict....I've tried pointing out that's a good thing.

Other option is the really shit school.

I just worry that we could move her from an academically ok school to a shit school and end up with the same problems with bullying,etc there.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Nov-13 18:36:39

We looked round the shit comp and I was very unimpressed with the staff, etc.

PhilippaOfHainault Wed 06-Nov-13 18:39:37

How bad is the other school? Forget about its GCSE results (ds1's friend went to a school with similar results and got 9 A* and 2 A at GCSE this summer). What does OFSTED say about how safe the children feel? Your dd shouldn't have to put up with daily bullying - she will not do well in her GCSEs in such a school anyway.

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