Ive been worried about dd at school for a year and finally it sounds like school are too.

[VivaLeBeaver]

The head of year has rung and left a message saying she's worried about dd concerning how happy dd is and regarding problems dd is having with other kids.

I'm surprised she's rung to be honest as these problems have been going on for a year and I spoke to the HOY (same teacher) last year who seemed quite dismissive and made me feel I was been all PFB about it.

Dd seems to have a couple of friends who she gets on ok with but apart from that there seems to be quite a few girls who take pleasure in been nasty towards her. Dd was unhappy in Yr 7 a lot of the time, saying she spent quite a bit of time alone, etc. not just that but people were been low key nasty towards her every day, name calling, saying she's a geek, that she's weird, etc.


The constant name calling is getting her down and I worry about how its affecting her confidence. She was crying last week - not even over a specific incident and said she didn't feel safe but couldn't tell me why. I obv talk things over with her, give her little pep talks. I've bought her all the books about girls and friendships, etc.

She came home from school on Monday saying boys had been talking and laughing about her on the bus. Then Tuesday someone shoved a desk into her stomach on purpose and someone else threw a chair at her. This is in lessons, dd says the teacher is oblivious! Then more name calling in the next lesson.

When I speak to the HOY about it what should I be expecting her to say/do to try and sort the situation? Could I ask about counselling for dd as I am quite worried about how down she is. Would this be a CAHMs referral or could they do something in school.

Honestly I read in the news about girls who have committed suicide due to low level bullying like this over years and it frightens me.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Mmm, will look for some bullying websites. Thanks.

Just had another message from the mum of the boy who left due to bullying. After he left they wrote to the head saying they thought there was a major bullying problem at the school and that they felt the HOY was totally ineffective.

They got a letter back basically politely telling them to fuck off and go away.

[Goldmandra]

I hope they have sent a copy of the letters to Ofsted.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I dont think they have. Shame.

I feel like writing to Ofsted myself.

[JohnnyUtah]

I thought that was really unprofessional too. Nothing much else to add. My kids are yr8 and yr10. I don't like the sound if the culture at the school you describe. Mine are geeky too. They don't get bullied.

[Goldmandra]

I feel like writing to Ofsted myself.

That might be a very good idea after you've given them some more rope to hang themselves with.

Just keep making sure they know you mean business and won't just quietly go away like the other parent.

The culture of the school doesn't sound good but there are requirements on them to show that they tackle bullying effectively so hopefully, once they realise this is all going to be part of a formally process and recorded at every step, they should pull their socks up and do something more effective.

[Coveredinweetabix]

Viva I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm only posting as, 20 years ago, I was in a similar position to your DD's friends. One girl in our tutor group was subject to low level bullying for a couple of months for no reason other than the fact that some of the bitchy popular girls wanted to see how powerful they actually were. During the low level bullying, me and a couple of other girls tried to keep a foot in both camps, to give the girl being bullied some support, sat with her in class, hung out with her at lunchtime etc and would ring of an evening. However, we were also aware that this put us in a vulnerable position as we weren't fully doing what the popular girls wanted. As the bullying ramped up, I am ashamed to say that, whilst we never joined in the bullying, we did abandon our friends as we were just concerned about watching our own backs. I feel so bad now for that. For our friend, she missed the last couple of weeks of term (it was the summer term in y7) and came back in Sept in not just a different form but a different half of the school and, after that, all seemed fine.

[Alexandrite]

How odd that the head of year tried to make it about her feelings being hurt rather than about what your daughter is going through.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Ok, I've composed a letter which I'm planning to send to the HOY and Cc the headmaster in. Don't have email addresses so will have to be actual letters. What do you think?

Dear Mrs X

Following our telephone conversations today regarding Dd I wanted to thank you for starting an investigation into the incident in Dds music lesson so promptly.

Dd is still more upset by the general attitude from some of the girls in Year 8 towards her. A sustained period of daily name calling, being talked about, laughed at, called a freak, ugly, etc is certainly taking its toll on her confidence. Before the incident with the chair I had asked her to talk to you but she had said she didn't feel able to. The week of the incident she had said that she'd talk to her form tutor but I think this then occurred before she had done so.

I've emphasised to her how important it is that she tells someone what is happening as you cant help her if you don't know about it. I think she worries about troubling staff with relatively minor incidents such as name calling, sarcastic comments. On their own each incident is minor but when added together is a much greater problem. I found it very upsetting and worrying to hear Dd talking about wanting to kill herself and how she wished she was dead. I hadn't realised myself how serious things were. I have asked Dd to keep a log of any future incidents.

I hope that the school will be able to fulfil their duty of care towards Dd and ensure that this behaviour towards her stops as its completely unacceptable.

[Goldmandra]

That's a good email but you need to include an, "as I explained during our conversation...." if that is appropriate so it's clear that you are reiterating your concerns about the repetitive nature of this bullying. You don't want it treated as a one-off.

I'd also ask her to inform you of exactly how she would like your DD to raise future concerns and with whom and what else she is doing to make sure the behaviour stops.

Don't worry about being pushy. You need to do it to make sure they step up to the mark.

Also say that you would like a meeting in a week or two, whatever you think is a good time, to review the situation and would she send you some possible dates and time please?

[CinnamonPorridge]

Hi Viva,
sounds horrible what is happening.

Your letter sounds good!
At the end I would write "that this behaviour towards her stops immediately"

But tbh, I would take her out and move her.
It doesn't sound as if these are isolated incidents from a few pupils, but systematic bullying.

If completely honest, I would not even send her back. I know this is impossible for you.

[Alexandrite]

I think that's a very good letter

[VivaLeBeaver]

Great, will add those bits in. Thanks.

[Tuhlulah]

I think you should add in why your DD thought she couldn't raise it with her form teacher/HOY. I think you might also say something like: "Indeed, I can understand her concerns; when I raised this with her Head of Year, during a conversation on??, (Name of HOY) response appeared to be about her own hurt feelings rather than my daughter's wellbeing, "add in what HOY actually said.'.

I think given the amount of abuse your DS has suffered for so long that you would be justified in making your letter a little stronger in tone. You might mention when this issue began, and any other occasion on which you or your DD raised it with the school. ie, when you thank them for dealing with it 'so promptly' you might add 'especially given that this has been going on since (date)'.

You and other posters may think I am being too aggressive but you are in effect criticising them and they won't lie down and just take it. So be prepared. Also, tell them that if this isn't resolved immediately you will raise it with Ofsted as the school's inability to resolve the issue and to protect your daughter's physical and emotional safety is jeopardising her academic attainment, and moreover she is so distressed she has threatened to harm herself as a consequence.

Also, you might mention that while you have told your daughter that if she has an issue she needs to tell the school, as they cannot resolve it unless she tells them, the school should now consider itself as being put on notice of your daugher being bullied, and that given their duty of care towards your child they have a duty to be proactive in protecting her whilst she is at school in their care.

Be firm but reasonable, never excitable in tone but make it clear you expect some action to be taken immediately.

I am not criticising your letter -I think given your experience you are justified in making the tone a little less tolerant, and a bit more demanding, so you can afford to make it sound a but firmer.

[timidviper]

Viva My son had a lot of this type of thing when he went to senior school, his junior school friends got very into the rugby team and the staff just picked the "star" children for everything so he never got chosen, even for things he was good at, because the rugby boys had such a high profile. He never wanted to complain as he felt the nastiness was just the general culture and it was the same for other kids too but I could see it was grinding him down.

We moved him at the start of year 10 and the difference was astounding. We went from the answer to "How was school today?" being "Shit" to "OK I suppose" (that's good for a teenage boy!) On the third day he came out of school smiling and I almost cried with relief as I hadn't seen that for so long. He never looked back; he was never one of the cool kids, although he really hit his stride in 6th form and was popular, he made nice friends, did excellently in GCSEs and A levels and is now a confident and successful young man.

The one thing I would say is that, if you move your DD, don't let her move as a victim, try to make sure she moves with a positive attitude as it will make things much easier. My DS says he left his first school feeling that everybody thought he was a loser, he began his new school with the idea that this was a new start and the chance to be the person he wanted to become.

Good luck to you and your DD

[VivaLeBeaver]

Ok, have added some more. Though I'm letting HOYs comments about hurt feelings slide for now as I don't want to antagonise her.


Dear Mrs X


Following our telephone conversations today regarding Dd I wanted to thank you for starting an investigation into the incident in Dds music lesson so promptly.

As we discussed Dd is more upset by the general attitude from some of the girls in Year 7 towards her. A sustained period of daily name calling, being talked about, laughed at, called a freak, ugly, etc is certainly taking its toll on her confidence. Before the incident with the chair I had asked her to talk to you but she had said she didn't feel able to. The week of the incident she had said that she'd talk to her form tutor but I think this then occurred before she had done so.

I've emphasised to her how important it is that she tells someone what is happening as you cant help her if you don't know about it. I think she worries about troubling staff with relatively minor incidents such as name calling, sarcastic comments. On their own each incident is minor but when added together is a much greater problem. I found it very upsetting and worrying to hear Dd talking about wanting to kill herself and how she wished she was dead. I hadn't realised myself how serious things were. I have asked Dd to keep a log of any future incidents. However I do also expect the school to be proactive in protecting Dd from such behaviour.

I would like contact between Dd and the girls who I named today to be monitored. I think it would be a good idea if where possible when they're in the same lessons they do not sit near Dd. Perhaps it might be an idea to split this group of girls up in lessons if they encourage each other in such behaviour? Dd said that this week isn't the first time she's been hit with a chair in a music lesson, that it happens most weeks.

I hope that the school will be able to fulfil their duty of care towards Dd and ensure that this behaviour towards her stops immediately as its completely unacceptable. If the situation isn't resolved I will have to raise the matter to the governors and to Ofsted as any failure to protect Dd's physical and emotional safety will affect her academic attainment as well as causing her distress. If Dd is assaulted in school again I will next time consider involving the police.

I would like this letter to be put in Dds school file along with a note of any action taken.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

Just a thought, but in my borough if you apply and get into a school that is more than, I think, don't quote me, about 5 miles away you can apply for a taxi that is paid for by the council.

[VivaLeBeaver]

They only do that here if there wasn't a nearer school where there was a space. So because there's a space at two nearer schools they wouldn't pay a taxi.

Dd doesn't want to move school now anyway, doesn't even want to move form.

[timidviper]

Just thinking again, it might be worth ringing the other school that would be most practical and telling them about the bullying and your DDs distress. It might make a difference if they are sympathetic and they might be more likely to make a place for her.

[Goldmandra]

I don't think it will do any harm to tell them what will happen if they don't sort it. I would certainly have done that at the next stage if not now.

Just add that you would like a meeting to review the situation because this will give them a deadline to work to.

This will rattle a few cages but you're not just going to help your own DD, Viva. If this changes their approach to bullying lots of children will be better off in that school.

[VivaLeBeaver]

The "shit" school has spaces so that isn't a problem. Dd doesn't want to move though so am currently concentrating on kicking the schools arse.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Ok, will add in a bit about a meeting. I'm off work at end of Nov for a week so will ask to meet that week.

[Goldmandra]

I hope this does the trick and they sort their attitude in response to their kicked arse

[ChippingInBatshitArse]

I am sorry she is still having problems - it's horrible :(

I just want to swoop her up and run - you must be in bits over it.

On one hand it's a shame she doesn't want to move schools, on the other hand it's a good thing.

I hope the HOY pulls her finger out and gets this sorted out - there is very clearly a serious problem at the school. If you haven't already sent the letter, I would consider putting something in about how she has punished the girls trying to help her and how upset DD is about that stupid cow

[VivaLeBeaver]

Problem is I don't know what the girls actually said, will try and find out. They are both a bit hot headed and knowing them I wouldn't be surprised if they told the HOY to fuck off.

Neither suffer fools gladly.

[Goldmandra]

Neither suffer fools gladly.

That says it all really