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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

can you really remarry "too soon" after a berevament

82 replies

CNyle · 26/09/2009 13:24

you STILL hear abotu this dont you

like here

does it really matter?

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franklymydear · 26/09/2009 13:25

yes I think you can remarry too soon after a bereavement

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CNyle · 26/09/2009 13:26

also heard of htis being muttered about a widower db knows whos is dating again. " too soon"

My dad used to say that dying people often "sanction" a predictable post death relationship for thei partner

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franklymydear · 26/09/2009 13:26

but 2 years is an ok gap

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CNyle · 26/09/2009 13:26

really?
but because it might be a mistake or its "Not proper"

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 13:28

I did read that people who have had a very happy marriage are more likely to marry again and possibly quite soon.

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Tortington · 26/09/2009 13:30

2 years is fine

i would hope that if i were to die that dh would get shag happy and then be really happy asap.

i wouldnt want anyone to wait say 2 ,3,4,5 years to be happy again

life is too short.

visa versa though and i don't think i would remarry

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 13:38

I have told DH he must marry again as he is too lovely to be alone and the kids will need a mum.

He doesn't want me to remarry and I wouldn't anyway.

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sprogger · 26/09/2009 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CNyle · 26/09/2009 13:47

i have appointed a mate to be decider if dhs proesptive new bint is nice enough

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wannaBe · 26/09/2009 13:52

I think it depends why one would consider it to be too soon.

If it's because the person perhaps hasn't had time to grieve the loss of their partner and has perhaps saught comfort elsewhere because of the fear of being alone then yes I think it's possible to marry too soon. I think in those circs the same could apply to people who get divorced/separated and jump straight into a new relationship.

But if people consider it to be soon because of disrespect to the deceased then no I don't think so. Because devastating as it must be to lose a partner, te harsh reality is that life does go on, and it is entirely possible to retain those feelings/memories for your lost partner and still find happyness with someone else. Being with someone else doesn't necessarily mean you've forgotten the one who has died, but staying lonely for a determined amount of time isn't going to change the past..

FBG at your dh tbh. I don't think anyone should specify that they wouldn't want their partner to remarry if they were to die. That would imply they wouldn't want them to be happy with anyone else which is tbh very selfish.

If I died I would want my dh to be happy. What would wanting him to spend the next x years alone without me achieve?

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CNyle · 26/09/2009 13:54

oh dh was always going to marry Sarah but she is now married.
I think he would still marry her.
she is so nice

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 13:57

Oh it isn't like that at all wannabe

He doesn't want me to marry my first love.

which would never happen!

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onlyjoking9329 · 26/09/2009 14:01

Ok, after being widowed 16 months ago i have some thoughts/feeling on this.

people say its been nearly 16 months aren't you over Steves death yet?
they then go onto to say that at nearly 16 months it is far too soon to consider a new relationship so there really is no way of winning is there?
Steve told me countless times that he wanted me to experience love again when he was no longer here.
what i have always found to be true from talking to other widows is that they tend to keep a new relationship quiet for a while for fear of being judged.
myself i would have not been able to think of new relationships at 5 months.

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Sunshinemambo · 26/09/2009 14:08

My DM died in August 1988, in October my DF introduced us to the woman he was dating, in December they got engaged and married the following March. It was definitely too soon.

I agree that he did this not because he didn't love my mum (as my auntie thought when she stopped speaking to him) but because he loved her so much he couldn't bear the thought of being without her, so he looked for a replacement.

Unfortunately my step-mother (sorry I really cannot bring myself to call her dear) was nothing like my DM. She was jealous of my mum so we never spoke about her, she was consequently jealous of us and went out of her way to get my DF to prove he loved her more than us. My DF ended up throwing us both out (I was 18 and only there temporarily but DB was 15 and ended up in council accomodation on a horrible estate).

DB has never gotten over it - only now when he's 34 has he started to realise that he can be happy. I handled it differently and have built myself a life that doesn't rely on my family in any way, hence why we recently got married in NY away from anyone.

DF has ended up with the worst of everything as he and step-mum got divorced earlier this year and she has taken him to the cleaners - he has absolutely not a penny to his name. He doesn't have me or DB to rely on either as we are just not close enough to let him be a big part of our lives.

In answer I think you can get married too soon. Don't think Caron Keating's husband is though.

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Malificence · 26/09/2009 14:13

Then I'm very selfish - there is no way in hell that I would want my husband to remarry if I die. He's MY husband and no one elses, he could have as many lovers as he could handle, but marriage, absolutely not, in my eyes it's for life ( as long as you're happy obvs).

Don't get me started on the men who turn into selfish idiots after being bereaved then finding a new "love", in all of my personal experiences it has ripped the families concerned apart, including my own when my father remarried. It's entirely possible that I am ever so slightly biased though.

I want to be like the old couple in today's paper, in their 80's and died together in a suicide pact because they couldn't bear to be parted - that's my definition of real, life long love.

People need to grieve and find "themselves" after bereavement, especially after a long and happy marriage - you can't possibly do that in a new relationship.

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wannaBe · 26/09/2009 14:17

but Malificence marriage is for life "until death us do part." So if you're dead then you were married all your life..

Sorry but yes I think it's selfish to dictate to one's partner that they should not marry if you die.

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diddl · 26/09/2009 14:18

But you´ll be dead, you won´t know if he remarries or not!

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Heated · 26/09/2009 14:19

In this case no, he didn't marry too soon because he was mourning his wife's loss long before she actually died and there were too boys who needed a mother.

I listed Gloria Hunniford as the celeb who makes my teeth itch on the other day, the article is part indication of why.

My father married in haste after my mother's death and it was a mistake. But I dutiful took my very soon-to-be stepmother shopping for her wedding dress and left home. My father knew it was indecent as he told hardly anybody until after the event. My grandfather was most hurt by what he perceived as a big secret but I was honestly able to say that we had about the same amount of notice that he had (about a week).

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Deemented · 26/09/2009 14:26

My husband died suddenly in August 08. We had two children, a DS of 3 and a baby girl who was 12 weeks old when he died.

DH was considerably older then me(38 years) and we always knew there was a chance that he was likely to die before me. We'd spoken often about it, and he always told me that he never wanted me to be on my own for long after he'd gone. He said that i was still young and had to live my life for the children and myself.

A little while ago, i started seeing a man that i've known for almost twenty years. He is a good man and him and my DH got on well. After a short while, i unexpectedly became pregnant by him and we are expecting our child in January.

Sometimes it does feel like it's all too much too soon, and when we decided to keep the baby i had many many sleepless nights about telling my friends and family that i was firstly seeing someone, and secondly, pregnant by him.

I sometimes feel like i have betrayed DH somehow, but i know the kind of man he was, and i know he would have been happy for me.

I needen't have worried about peoples reactions, my friends amd family have been wonderful... they know how bloody hard it was the first few months after DH's death, and are pleased that i'm smiling again.

DH's family have been somewhat less impressed... i think they think that it's too soon - in a way i agree with them, but it doesn't mean that i love DH any less. He gave me many wonderful years, and three beautiful children. He is always is my heart and i will never stop loving him - how could i?

DP knows this, and has no issue with it whatsoever... he knows that DH was a part of my life for a long time and DH will always be my childrens daddy, and that's not a place DP wants to take over.

So, in a very roundabout way, i don't think 'too soon' comes into it. You never know what it's like for a person to go through it until you go through it yourself. It's easy to judge from the outside, but a whole different thing living it.

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expatinscotland · 26/09/2009 14:28

Your kids may need a mother/father, but um, that parent is dead and can't be replaced.

And a responsible, loving adult puts that grief that his/her children need to deal with before finding 'new' love.

One of my best friends from childhood, I'll call her C, is the eldest of 5.

Their father was always in ill-health and began to die of a blood condition.

He passed away when C was 15, and, a few months later, their mum brought her boyfriend on the scene and married him shortly after that.

I never thought about it from C's perspective, being lucky enough to have both my parents.

But she put it well: 'She never even gave us space and time to get used to Dad being gone. We had a father. He's dead. Kevin (the new husband) is not the father we need, no one can bring that back.'

It destroyed C's relationship with her mother, and her brothers' and sisters' as well. C married, happily, at 19 and left home. Her three brothers joined the military as soon as they were old enough to sign on teh dotted line and never came back, and her other sister joined a cult.

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purpleflower · 26/09/2009 14:29

My Mum died nearly 10 years ago. My dad met his new girlfriend I think about a year to 18months later. My Mum had told him to find happiness, both my Nans had been alone for years after losing their partners and Mum didn't want that for Dad.

They are still together now but I don't think they will ever get married. Dad has said before that he has a wife, he married my mum for life. His girlfriend had a horrible marriage before so I think she is happy with this.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 14:31

Loving someone new doesn't mean you no longer love who you have lost..

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Malificence · 26/09/2009 14:31

Oh I'd know, Dead or not .

I may not be there but our daughter would be, she knows my feelings.

He wouldn't dare.

I needed a mother at the age of 9 when my father remarried, I didn't get one, I got a manipulative, scheming witch of a woman who convinced my father that because I was adopted, he wasn't responsible for me. My family was destroyed and I was passed between relatives for 7 years.

For every good remarriage after bereavement , there are probably 100 that were huge mistakes.

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expatinscotland · 26/09/2009 14:32

' he was mourning his wife's loss long before she actually died and there were too boys who needed a mother.'

He may have had times to come to terms with it long before she died, but the kids may not, IYKWIM.

It's like C said, we needed our father, but he is dead and can't be replaced.

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expatinscotland · 26/09/2009 14:34

Also, kids aim to please. They have only one parent left and if they're very young, yeah, many will tow the line about the new partner because they're afraid of losing the surviving parent.

It's different for everyone but in answer to the question, yes, you can remarry too soon after a bereavement.

I mean, even Prince Charles left it a while after Di died for the sake of the kids and he was divorced from her.