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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

thought of sex makes my skin crawl - any infallible tips for getting 'in the mood'?

81 replies

somethinganything · 12/09/2009 17:35

Have to shake myself out of this because DH is going to get really pissed off with it. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with DC2 and really, really don't fancy sex although to be honest it's felt like a chore for ages. Feel so guilty writing this and awful about my poor DH - the last time we had sex was 3 weeks ago. Generally manage once a week, which isn't ideal in itself but at the moment my output is quite pathetic.

Can you suggest anything I can do to help me feel more inclined towards it? It's beginning to really upset me and I can feel it coming between DH and me.

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BitOfFun · 12/09/2009 17:40

Can't you just talk to him and explain that right now you're not really in the vibe? There should be room in healthy relationships for a bit of ebb and flow, especially when pregnancy etc is involved.

How are things with him generally?

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 17:44

Generally things are pretty good I think. We do argue but we also have a lot of fun together. I just really can't stand the thought of being touched, I've realised it actually makes me feel quite angry I just can't pinpoint why.

I find it really difficult to talk to him about and to be honest it's been an issue on and off for a long time, it's just that it's come to the surface again at the moment. Wondered about trying relate or some other kind of sexual couselling but it's my problem not his and does it work if you just go on your own.

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NoahAmin · 12/09/2009 17:44

booze?

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 17:48

yes, definitely... if I weren't 16 weeks pregnant. I've saved my 1 unit for tonight but not convinced that's going to do it for me

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NoahAmin · 12/09/2009 17:48

on a nice empty tum!

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PrincessToadstool · 12/09/2009 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 12/09/2009 17:51

You may feel the "problem" is yours, but it is affecting your relationship as a couple, so it's perhaps best handled together. The anger thing sounds interesting- could you say a bit more about that?

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 17:51

Noah - hmm, could work I guess

Princess - yes, was ages after DD was born before I was up to it. But I don't feel I've got the excuse of a newborn this time, I should be in the second trimester, blossoming and loving sex phase that everyone tells you about

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 17:54

BitofFun - can't really explain it, I've just noticed quite a few times when I've gone along with sex because I know it's what he wants and I don't feel it's fair to withold it that I feel really angry and resentful as he's touching me. It's as much as I can do not to swipe his hand away really roughly. Sounds awful because I love him very much and I don't think any of this is fair to him but I just find sex at worst upsetting and anger-inducing and at best ok. I think if I explained to him how much of a problem it really was for me it would really upset him. He already feels rejected and often says he thinks I just don't fancy him.

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echofalls · 12/09/2009 18:01

I was like this in my last pregnancy, didn't do the deed from 14 weeks onwards although did get back to lovely satisfying sex when baby was 10 days old.

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 18:22

tips? anybody? visualisation? erotica? what worked for you?

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8oreighty · 12/09/2009 18:26

Watching Twilight? Or anything with Christian bale in it...
Reading something sexy?

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 18:29

Twilight? REally? I thought it was about vampires but I've never watched it...

Reading does sound promising, full-on porn does nothing for me. Any good book series you can recommend?!

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oneopinionatedmother · 12/09/2009 18:31

is it really going to hurt him to wank?

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8oreighty · 12/09/2009 18:34

very romantic...best kiss ever...it's all that will they won't they stuff...put me in touch with my inner 17 year old! I hate vampire stuff...it's not really like that.

trying to think best books with sex...there's a bit in Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks that was pretty good...

There are all those erotic stories for women but I have never got around to reading any, seen some reviewed on here though...

I know when I was breasfeeding I couldn't bear the thought of sex or kissing...at all. And normally totally up for it...so don't worry if you don't want to for a while...it's just your hormones and it will all come back to you soon enough.

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JackBauer · 12/09/2009 18:41

Try Scarlet magazine, which you can buy in most supermarkets now, they have some short stories in.
Or Black Lace books are good.
Then have a nice bath with your (diluted) wine so you can feel like you are having more and have a read.
Worth a try

DH is well aware that until about 18 weeks and from birth until about 2 months he is better off not even trying. I broke down in tears one night and explained to him how not in the mood I felt and why and he was fine with it. He had been grumpy and thought I was being off but as I pointed out he had no idea what hormones I had playing havoc with my libido.

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 18:46

8oreighty I do know that scene from Birdsong - how funny, read it when I was a teenager and still remember that bit although I hadn't thought about it for years! On that recommendation I will def take a look at twilight...

I hope it's the pregnancy but I'm worried it's a bit more deep-seated than that.

oneopinionated suspect there's been a fair amount of that going on, I just don't think it's a long-term solution if you know what I mean

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somethinganything · 12/09/2009 18:47

jackbauer sounds like a good plan, thank you.

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dizietsma · 12/09/2009 18:47

Um, I suspect that you're angry with him because you're having sex when you don't want to. Just don't do this. It's not fair on you or him. He doesn't have a right to sex with you, you are not obliged to do it if you don't want to.

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8oreighty · 12/09/2009 18:54

Relationships go through these phases though...sure the more you worry about it the more angry you will feel...maybe just keep talking about it.

Wish I still had birdsong now, would go seek that scene out...

If you do see Twilight and like it, then you could become a cheeseball (like me) and read the books...prob quite good for a pregnant mind actually as pretty easy going, then there is a bit of titillating stuff in them, but not too much as they are all in highschool. But does make you feel kind of young again.

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cheerfulvicky · 12/09/2009 19:28

The second trimester took a while to really get going, for me. Perhaps it's the same for you. Once I felt more normal, I was a raving nympho loonie, to be pitied really. It was quite unsettling!

Nancy Friday is good if you haven't read anything by her...

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Dominique07 · 12/09/2009 19:30

Hot and steamy KISSING! a lot! Xxx

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Dominique07 · 12/09/2009 20:27

Isn't it part of pregnancy - you start to feel like you're body is being used by your baby, and so you're DP is asking a bit too much... but I think this feeling passes.

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somethinganything · 13/09/2009 09:35

Sorry, had to log off - thanks for all the helpful responses. No luck last night sadly. I was going to give it a go but he wanted to watch match of the day, which never really does it for me...

cheerfulvicky I long for the nympho stage. A friend used to swear by Nancy Friday - feel a little bit coy about going in and buying these books though. And then them being discovered by someone else in the house... But will have to get over all this I guess.

Will perhaps start with something less obvious like twilight as per 8oreighty's suggestion.

dominique not so up for the kissing either, definitely have a lot to straighten out.

dizeitsma I know he doesn't technically have a 'right' to sex but I do think it's an important part of a good relationship and that if he doesn't get any I"m storing up probs for the long term

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dizietsma · 13/09/2009 12:14

"I know he doesn't technically have a 'right' to sex"

Technically nothing, he doesn't have a right to have sex with you, end of. This is not Afghanistan!

"but I do think it's an important part of a good relationship"

It is, as long as it is given freely and lovingly (or lustily)...

"and that if he doesn't get any I"m storing up probs for the long term"

...and this is where I get concerned. Sex is all about him in this sentence. Never mind your needs to not be his sex kitten when pregnant, perfectly reasonable in the circumstances. Sex appears to be about his sexual needs alone, and that is not healthy.

Sex is not a service you provide for your partner like doing the laundry FFS, it is a gift you share with them. I wouldn't give anyone a gift that made me angry. I wouldn't give anyone a gift if it weren't given freely.

I strongly feel that if the touch of someone, husband or nay, makes you feel violently angry then you should not be having sex with them! It is a strong message from your body and psyche that it doesn't like what is happening. I think that ignoring clear messages like that will store up far more problems for the future than taking a break from sex because pregnancy is turning you off.

I'm well aware that there's a lot of women on MN who think that lying back and thinking of England (or Twilight) is sometimes necessary for a good marriage. I strongly disagree. It's just so dishonest, never a good thing for sexual partners.