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Do you give DH "permission" to go out?

(98 Posts)
UnquietDad Fri 21-Aug-09 15:24:42

Some friends refer to it this way and DW and I think it's a bit sad. (Both in the sense and the "loser" sense.) We often go out - separately - and the rule is, you write it on the calendar. That's all.

It's quite likely that it will be casually discussed both before and after, but really, this idea of men getting "permission" from their wives... grow some balls!

belgo Fri 21-Aug-09 15:26:00

no, I encourage him to go out with his friends, in fact I virtually push him out of the door when I know he's fed up with just being at home all the time.

edam Fri 21-Aug-09 15:26:36

are you my dh? grin We do the calendar thing and he's a Doctor Who addict...

Really irritating when I go to write something on the calendar and dh has got there first though... am thinking of hiding all the pens and making sure it's pencil only. And keeping a rubber in a drawer!

Sheeta Fri 21-Aug-09 15:27:26

Um...not permission as such, but he asks me if it's OK, and I do the same with him, then it gets written on the calendar. Just out of politeness really.

He always has to text/call me if he's going out from work though or is running late - not beacuse I'm some kind of mad control freak, more because if he's 5 mins late I convince myself that he's been hit by a bus hmm

Habbibu Fri 21-Aug-09 15:28:23

No, not at all. We do discuss it, just so we both know what's happening, and what the practicalities are, but I'd only ever ask him not to go in pretty extreme circumstances, and vice versa. There does seem to be this idea in some areas that women "let" men go out, and I agree, it's vile and infantilises men.

Sheeta Fri 21-Aug-09 15:28:41

edam my DH is a Dr Who addict too. Can't imagine how i'll cope when David Tennant is off our screens sad

TheFallenMadonna Fri 21-Aug-09 15:28:48

Nope. We check it's a good time though. Just writing on the calendar not really sufficient. If DH goes out for a jolly in OFSTED week for example...

RealityIsDetoxing Fri 21-Aug-09 15:28:51

Message withdrawn

Habbibu Fri 21-Aug-09 15:29:23

Oh, God, yes, sheeta - I do the car-crash-scenario thing, and I married someone who hates wearing a watch. Mobile phone is good in many ways!

thesockmonsterofdoom Fri 21-Aug-09 15:29:53

never have and never will (he may not leave the house) I find it odd, although I do sometimes feel like I am asking permission myself when I say is it Ok if I go out and he goes into an indepth discussion about whether or not it is OK.
Polite to let each other know what you are doing but permission, you are both supposed to be adults.
My friends often joke about this too though like dh's mate will ask if he can have a release slip. Actually irratates me no end, although I do like him to check before he goes away for a long weekend or something.

CMOTdibbler Fri 21-Aug-09 15:29:54

Def not permission. DH will of course, check with me that I am in, but even if I was away, he'd organise a babysitter himself to make it work.

nancy75 Fri 21-Aug-09 15:30:06

not permission as such, but dp works mostly in the evening, so he does ask if i mind (which i never do)

OrmIrian Fri 21-Aug-09 15:30:46

No. He's not a child. i prefer it if he lets me know when he is though, and vice versa. I hear comments along the lines of 'my wife doesn't let me' when I'm at work and it makes pmsl! I think the 'wife' is another word for conscience hmm

thighsmadeofcheddar Fri 21-Aug-09 15:31:31

We just check out of politeness really and then write on calendar.

I'd never give permission, he's not my child going on a school trip.

alarkaspree Fri 21-Aug-09 15:31:52

Dh and I tell each other about nights out, but we phrase it in terms that would give the other the option to say no. We never do say no though. I don't think it makes us sad, it just seems polite to me.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 21-Aug-09 15:33:23

But of course referring to it as 'permission' may just really be what we're talking about. Put differently.

DaisymooSteiner Fri 21-Aug-09 15:33:52

Not permission as such but we do discuss it as I work nights and the days vary from week to week. If dh has gone to the pub there will be no one look after the kids!

BroodyChook Fri 21-Aug-09 15:33:58

No, not permission, but it's only common courtesy to make sure that your plans aren't going to mess anything up for anyone else. DH rarely goes out for anything other than work related stuff anyway, and he never objects to me going down the pub grin

OhBling Fri 21-Aug-09 15:34:33

I think a lot of couples do the "permission" thing in a way out of laziness - DH has a number of friends who won't commit to anything until their wives have okayed it because apparently the wives keep the diaries and know what's happening.

DH and I don't ask permission ever and neither of us commit to things on the other's behalf without discussing it first (eg dinner arrangements as a couple at a friend's house).

We do discuss plans though to make sure that we're not accidentally going two weeks without seeing each other and I can see that becoming a little more complex when we have children. But it's more, "okay, so you were out tuesday, I was out Wednesday, we are seeing family on thrusday - let's agree friday is just us at home" kind of thing.

Portofino Fri 21-Aug-09 15:35:01

He's supposed to check with me - and vice versa - not for permission, but that I don't already have another arrangement etc. He is also supposed to let me know if he is going to be really late.

He doesn't always. In fact he has had got quite crap at this recently. He doesn't go out that much though so it doesn't normally bother me.

I do feel a bit cross sometimes when I have something planned and he has to go on work trip at short notice. But hey.

allaboutme Fri 21-Aug-09 15:35:18

Yes, we always ask each other if its ok if we go out.
I think its a bit more respectful than just writing it on a calender without discussing.

For example DH might say 'X and Y are meeting for drinks on Friday night, do you mind if I go?' and I might say 'well actually we are leaving at 6am on Saturday morning to go to X and I'd really appreciate you around to do half the packing and sorting the kids'
or I might say 'well you have been out twice this week already, I fancied a night together, do you mind doing it next week instead?'

Or I might say 'I'm thinking of going out with the girls next Wed, is that ok?' and DH might say 'I've got a huge meeting Thurs am and might end up working late Wed night, any cahnce you could do another night?'

If we just put things in the calender without 'asking permission' then none of those eventualities would be discussed until it may be too late to change plans.

99% of the time we both say 'of course thats fine' to any request to go out. there is never a 'no' uneccessarily, so well worth asking each other upfront to avoid any problems cropping up.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 21-Aug-09 15:36:24

So UQD, do you think our DH/Ps need to grow some balls?

Spidermama Fri 21-Aug-09 15:37:43

In my house the domestic work load, DIY and laundry, cooking, shopping cleaning, is such that it's basically never ending. This means that leisure time is extremely scarce.

We have to discuss each opportunity which comes up and decide between us if it's fair. So yes, we both feel the need to get permission.

He's away on tour all summer having catering, gets his laundry done for him, 2-3 days off with nothing to do and even on 'working' days he just does a show or two ... I'm stuck here with all four kids. Last night he was at a fancy dress party somewhere in Liverpool, the night before he was at some kind of family party sleepover ... today he's wandering around the shops.

Then I get news he's been offered a job which will take him to the Baltic States for the entire month of November. I can't really stop him as no-one is offering me that kind of money, or work at that point. Funnily enough I can't seem to get my freelance career up and running again as people have stopped offering me shifts after I turned down twenty or so this holiday.

Oh dear. Sorry UD. I appear to have opened a can of worms in my psyche on your thread. blush

I will take it to a thread all of it's own.

UnquietDad Fri 21-Aug-09 15:41:29

I saw the phrase on another thread and thought I'd explore it here.

OK, the "balls" thing was a bit flippant, but really, phrasing it as "permission" is a little odd for me. We consult each other, which is slightly different. I'm astonished more couples don't see it that way!

Wonderstuff Fri 21-Aug-09 15:43:01

Dh will ask if I mind, but not ask permission, we too think that being allowed out by other half is odd, dh particularly has work colleagues saying will your dw let you? Which he (and I) think is odd and a bit sad. One of his mates even asked me once 'is it ok if your dh does x' To which my response was 'I'm not his mum'

I agree Orm 'wife' is sometimes another word for conscience.

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