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Why am I doing this?

(78 Posts)
boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 21:28:40

Please excuse me if I ramble a bit here, I've got nobody that I feel I can talk to about this, so am using you lot to offload.

A couple of weeks ago at work, a male colleague emailed me (about a work matter). I replied, and it turned into a series of chatty emails. As time has gone on, they have become more and more flirtatious - he has made it clear that he finds me attractive, and we share the same sort of sense of humour. Over the last 2 weeks, I have sent him 81 emails, and he has sent me around the same amount. We have hardly spoken a word to each other, and act as though we are more or less strangers when we encounter each other in person - no-one has any idea (except perhaps for the IT department ) that we know each other more than vaguely.

Over the weekend, I have found myself thinking about him more and more. I couldn't wait to get to work this morning to see him. It's so exciting catching each other's eye across the office, and making (what seem to other people) random comments that actually refer to the contents of our emails.

Neither of us have said in so many words that we want it to go any further, but it has been hinted at, and lunch on Wednesday has been suggested (by me ). He said he didn't want people to gossip - I say that people are more likely to gossip if we sneak around than if we act normal.

I am happily married with 2 children (have never thought of myself as anything but, and have never imagined straying before), he is in a relationship. I know this is complete madness; half of me says we should end it (not least before we get in trouble for spending all our time emailing each other), the other half is really enjoying the excitement and the flattery of someone (and he's about 7 or 8 years younger than me) finding me attractive (not that dh doesn't - in fact he is always complimenting me). I'm not really asking for advice as such - I know what any sane person will tell me - but just wanted to "tell" someone, and get your thoughts.

I would prefer it if you didn't all jump on me like a ton of bricks, but if that's the way you feel, I guess I deserve it.

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 21:29:12

Oh, and have changed my name for this - am (fairly) regular poster, but there's people out there who know me in rl.

Xena Mon 14-Mar-05 21:31:16

I think you know the answer don't you?

SenoraPostrophe Mon 14-Mar-05 21:32:23

My thought is "oh dear"

perhaps a romantic dinner with your dh is called for to remind yourself of what you have?

Newbarnsleygirl Mon 14-Mar-05 21:32:39

Really you should end it as it could quickly turn in to something more by the sounds of it but I know what you mean when you say your enjoying the excitment.

Newbarnsleygirl Mon 14-Mar-05 21:33:45

I meant to add, fuel all the excitment towards your dh IYKWIM!

Katemum Mon 14-Mar-05 21:34:16

I completely understand the excitement of something new and a little bit of flirting never did much harm, but think you have to say no to the lunch. Just look at what you would have to lose if it got out of hand.

huggybear Mon 14-Mar-05 21:35:50

write a list of what you stand to lose and then decide if its worth the risk. I think you'll find the answers no

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 21:42:55

I'm such a cliche. I keep thinking "what harm can one lunch do, I'm in control, I can stop any time".

Dh and the children are going away for a few days in a couple of weeks, and there is likely to be a work night out around that time. I really love the thought of going out and having a bit of a flirt with someone - I've spent so many years thinking that no-one could possibly find me attractive, it's soooo flattering. But I know how dangerous it could be. I don't think I'd do anything, but I never thought I'd be in this situation in the first place.

Have been trying to think of ways to bring some of the excitement in with dh. I don't think I could do the "pretend to be on a date" thing - I would just feel silly.

I feel quite mad at the moment. I'm all over the place. It's so exhilarating.

mummytosteven Mon 14-Mar-05 21:44:23

apart from the obvious, I do think workplace frisson/flirtation can be a bad idea - all so terribly public/difficult to escape from if things go pearshaped.

lgj Mon 14-Mar-05 21:46:29

To quote Davina Mc Call............

Proper Bonkers............

Is what you will be, if you allow this to go beyond flirting, agree with Huggybear make a list.

Branster Mon 14-Mar-05 21:49:45

How exciting!
First of all be very aware that sending a lot of time whilst at work on work's computer e-mailing non-work related things can get you into very serious trouble. So at least try and communicate by some other means to keep yourself out of trouble.

I say go to dinner as long as it's a group of you not just the two of you and most imporatntly DO NOT wax your legs/shave your underarms and you're guarnted not to get close to the guy in other ways.
Keep it in check though, as you know this could have terrible consequenses for your family and yourelf.

nappywipe Mon 14-Mar-05 21:55:22

Ok I've changed my name for this one.

Got involved in a very similar situation a while back. Thank God it never got out of hand (mainly because he kept a sensible head, I'm ashamed to say ).

Don't go there, boredhousewife. And remember this:

When you start an 'email relationship' with someone, you only see the parts of their personality which they want you to see. In other words, this is not reality. He is not the person your fantasy thinks he is.

My advice is to end it NOW - focus on your relationship with your husband because he is your life, not this stranger - and that is what he is.

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 21:57:59

I sent him an email from home this evening, it just happens to have my mobile number on it (as part of the 'signature'). Not sure if he got the hint, though (ie text me, rather than email through work). Can't believe I'm being so brazen - I'm intoxicated with it.

This is just mad.

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 21:59:26

I keep telling myself all the things you're all telling me. I know you're all right.

I'm hoping I'll wake up one day and be back to normal.

tammybear Mon 14-Mar-05 22:02:21

oh my god when i read this, it so could have been me. i was in this situation. flirting with a guy at work, i found it flattering. however, i was never attracted to this guy, and he has a dp and theyre TTC too. so we both knew it was all joking etc. plus this guy is like this with every girl he talks to. dp at the time, now xdp, found out, thought i was cheating when i wasnt, and decided to leave me. its a lot more complicated than that, we did get back together but then split back up, but im glad that it has happened as its made me see the side of him that i didnt want to see when i was with him. so my advice is, even though it may seem innocent to you and you can be in control, it may not seem that way to other people. im glad it has happened even though i miss him, as i realise now that i can find a better dp than him, but do you want to end up in the situation that im in now?

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 22:05:13

There's a couple of other men I 'flirt' with at work, but that's all above board, and in the open (and they're the same with everyone). The exciting thing about this is that he's not like this with everyone, and no-one else knows about it.

LGJ Mon 14-Mar-05 22:11:53

Yay, Tammybear what a positive post.

tammybear Mon 14-Mar-05 22:12:00

cos it makes you feel special? even though this guy i know was really flirty with other girls in person, he wasnt like that with me. he would just talk to me normally, and it was all through emails at work like yourself that we were flirty, and noone knows we talk to each other. hes in another department to me. and it made me feel special. at the time, i was upset with xdp and was feeling like he wasnt showing me enough attention etc so maybe thats why i liked this guy showing an interest in me. I would have never had gone out to lunch or anything with him just on our own, even though I knew we were just messing about.

what did he say when you suggested going out for lunch? and why do you think you suggested it? i dont want you to end up like me xxx

tammybear Mon 14-Mar-05 22:12:29

lol LGJ, taken a while hasnt it?

LGJ Mon 14-Mar-05 22:12:51

Tammy bear rocks

SenoraPostrophe Mon 14-Mar-05 22:13:40

good for you, tammybear.

boredhousewife - just stop it now. If you're playing silly games like "accidentally" giving him your mobile number then it has gone too far already.

tammybear Mon 14-Mar-05 22:16:36

lol u two, ur making me
i think im only a bit more positive now, cos a guy asked for my number last night and it was like wow, i can attract other men? given me a bit of a boast but thats another thread

boredhousewife Mon 14-Mar-05 22:18:06

When I suggested lunch, he said

"Yes, I am keen, not like we're having an affair or anything (although my thoughts were a little unclean he he !)but I reckon if X etc realised we'd been on lunch together then that be all over the office ;)"

I don't want to lose dh, or my children, I know that much.

tammybear Mon 14-Mar-05 22:21:26

how do you think you would be with him in person though?

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