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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

notjustmom Sat 19-Jan-08 16:29:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:31:35

Fucking hell, how awful. Sorry that's not at all helpful.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or the Citizen's Advice Bureau (free legal and social advice) - that's where I'd start. Will get you links in a minute.

Have you told the police about his threats? They should take them seriously.

How horrible for you to be told that he won't be prosecuted. I think you should pursue it anyway - the NSPCC could be wrong.

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:35:30


women's aid

Rhubarb Sat 19-Jan-08 16:41:56

I think a visit from the police will scare the shit out of him.

He's a coward who gets his kicks out of violating and humiliating women and children.

He will know you've informed the police and has no reason to think you wouldn't do so again. So I reckon he'll keep well away, even if he did find you.

And good on you for reporting him! At the very least he should be put on the sex offenders register to prevent him from doing this to any other child. Unfortunately it doesn't prevent him from entering into a relationship with another woman and fathering more children, but my telling the police, you'll ensure that he now has a record and should anyone report him again, they'll have your evidence to help convict him.

So sorry you've had such a rough time and I hope happier times lie ahead for all of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:43:42

Hi. I've been involved with women's aid for a while as we were in a women's refuge this time last year. I have a solicitor already because of domestic abuse etc...when I told my solicitor that my DD had told me these things he didn't even comment on it (it was all via e mail as I'm not at home so can't go in to see him in person).
My biggest most absolute fear is that the courts will decide he can have unsupervised contact with her; how the hell could I hand her over to him knowing what he's probably done to her. She told me he touched her, and told her he was disgusting...she's only 3 so no way she could come up with that herself is there?
He's very dangerous; he went voluntarily into a psych hospital a few years ago, prior to me meeting him, but would have been sectioned anyway after a near fatal suicide attempt and threats to kill the girl who dumped him. He was detained for his own safety(suicide) and the safety of others (the ex girlfriend). he never concluded his treatment, refused to take ADs the dr prescribed, and is generally a total head case. Nasty nasty man. Social services considered putting my older children (perviosu marriage) on the at risk register because of his systematic abuse of them (mental), and I obtained an injunction against him which is due to expire and the solicitor won't apply to have it extended, hence me'going into hiding'.

QuintessentialShadow Sat 19-Jan-08 16:44:55

When somebody I know reported her exh regards to such, the police moved pretty swiftly, they appaeared suddenly at his house, straight away confiscatd his computer, took all discs, cds, videos away, and went throuhg EVERYTHING to find something to support the claims.

In his case they found nothing.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:45:58

Rhubarb, thankfully he had a vasectomy so cannot father anymore. However, his behaviour with my older daughter was highly inappropriate - commenting on her boobs, and figure, and telling her when blokes were eyeing her up...she was only 11/12 at the time. So although he cannot have any kids himself he could still take on someone elses.

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:46:43

There is someone on here who is very hot on this sort of thing - is it Mamazon, Rhubarb?

It sounds as though you need to change your solicitor to me - find someone who will take your safety (and that of your children) more seriously. Really, speak to the CAB - they can advise you on your rights.

And PLEASE tell the police that he has threatened to abduct your daughter.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:47:02

if you are this worried. you have a diifcult choice. stay "hidden" and hope he doesn't find you / the children.... wait to see if he starts court procedings for contact / residence whatever (and he can use court to try and locate children so that you are aware of his proceedings although court would not disclose your address directly to him in first instance)..... OR you can take the initiative and make an application to thje court for a residence order, settling that the children live with you, an order stating that he shall have no contact with the children and an injunction preventing him threatening / harming you / the children if appropriate....

agree with those who have suggested you need legal advice. try to find a specialist family solicitor who does publicly funded work (legal aid). try cab for help with this or contact the law society for list of such solicitors in your area.

fwiw i would be tempted to take the initiative.... but obviously i dont have the whole story.

how shocking for you. poor children. good luck with all this. let us know what happens if you think it wil help.

ps. be careful not to ask the children lots of ?'s about it (will be suggested you have tarnished the evidence / given them the idea etc. do keep a detailed diary of anything significant, including noting any unusual things said / done.

dittany Sat 19-Jan-08 16:47:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:49:18

When he was looking at porn with DD, and I caught him I went mad. Shortly afterwards he said the hard drive was broken, and bought a new one. Now I think it was becaise he was destroying evidence! I don't even know where he is, and I sold the computer in November to raise money for xmas as he hasn't paid any maintenance at all and it was the only way I could buy presents for the kids.
Fortunately I have all these things logged at the solicitors.
To be honest, although it would be ideal if he was charged, as long as it prevents him ever coming near my children again I'll be happy.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:53:00

x posted with you. sorry.
you definitely need a new solicitor. that sort of help is worse than no help at all. v angry on your behalf. when was injunction made? have there been any problems since it was made? when did he last have any contact with you and dc's? it seems to me the allegations made by dd are a "new" event giving rise to a need for continued protection..... but as said before this needs to be weighed against continuing to "lie low".

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:53:38

Dittany, he own't apply for an extension as he said there is no proof his behaviour has deteriorated! If he had threatened me, or such like he would, but he said the courts won't extend 'just for the sake of it!'
He is supposed to be a family law specialist, but he's useless. I filed for divorce a year ago, and the papers have never even left his office due to errors on his part etc.
I've just had a letter saying public funding has been stopped, probably because the injunction is due to expire. It's a bloody nightmare - we were just starting ot get our lives together again.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:54:28

Oh, forgot to say he has already engaged a solicitor for contact.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:54:30

i wouldn't count on him being charged....
i would think seriously about what steps can be taken to protect yourself and dc's.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:55:25 what?

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:56:46

well in that case it is imperative you get some decent legal advice....

a decent solicitor would be considering what "cross applications" you need to make in answer to his contact application... (as i suggested below). if he is seeking contact then his actions will fall to be scrutinised. lying low will not be an option.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:59:16

like a residence order / an order preventing contact / an extension to the injunction.

if you have (rightly) involved ss they need to be aware he is seeking contact.... their involvement and position re all this woill be of interest to the court considering what is in the children's interests. you need to tell ss that yu want to do all you can to safeguard the dc's and need their support re that.....

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:09:15

I haven't spoken to the police yet...I have to wait until they get back to SS apparently. As the 'alleged' incidents happened in the county I was in then, it's the local police there who will have to deal with it. Not sure how it'll work; if I will have to travel down there, or if they will send someone up here...I have no idea.
I also have his diaries from his time in the psych...reading them it is clear that he is highly unbalanced.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 17:15:03

will be thinking of you. stay strong. it all sounds herrendous but you have done the right thing by taking action. try to get some support for yourself.... do you have any rl people to help you through this?? no doubt difficult if you've had to move around....

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:16:32

The problem is, there is no 'real' evidence. When I was in the refuge they made me take DD to the gp to be examined, as they said his behaviour was highly suspect (taking her inot bath and locking door). This showed no evidence of anything; however, it would only show if he had used force IYSWIM...not if he had 'only' touched (her or himself).
Surely, in the case of children, if there is any doubt then contact should not be granted?
It cannot be said that I am merely preventing him from seeing her out of bitterness as I'm sure some women do; my older 2 see their Dad regularly, which involves me driving 300miles in a day to drop them off, making sure they call him, phoning him when there is any school news etc...

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:18:25

Yes, the area I've moved to is the place I feel safest. I have friends here whom I trust implicitly and who will close ranks to protect me and the kids. Also friends' parents etc, so at least I have a strong network around me.

Rhubarb Sat 19-Jan-08 17:24:18

Sounds like he has a chequered past which would come up in any court case.
How old is your dd now? Old enough to give video evidence?
Seek legal advice about getting that restraining order extended, due to recent events I see no reason why it cannot be extended and the police may be willing to give evidence to support your case.

No court would allow him unsupervised access if a restraining order had previously been put in place. Children's safety is taken very seriously and no court would risk the consequences.

When the police get in touch they will go through with you what their next move will be. They may be able to offer advice too.

But do take the initiative and get some decent legal advice yourself.

DoubleBluff Sat 19-Jan-08 17:35:27

How old is DD?
I am in Child protection - Police.
Any ofences will be investigated by police in the local area where the offences took place. But the Police will prob contact the local police child Protection unit to where you now live to make enqs on their behalf. If your DD is old enough they may video interview her with your consent. If there is no suggestion of penetraation them she will not be medically examined.
Your ex wiil be questioned by the Police and the allegations put to him, even if your DD does not provide a formal complaint.
Your wherabouts will not be disclosed to him.
If you want any further info let me know. Good luck as it is a diffficult thing to do.

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