Hi all,
Sorry this is long.
I have a strained and unhappy relationship with my identical twin sister. We were inseparable until we were 18 and then slipped further and further apart. She now lives in America. We have always argued and it is often petty. I have been trying very hard over the last few years not to fall out but it never seems to work. I feel like it is all very childish and it is mostly her and I can't seem to fix it.
One of the major things that I struggle with is that she will be very unkind, or voice an unwanted/upsetting opinion, and is regularly nasty and is strong with her words, always over messenger/text. If I get upset or take offense she accuses me of being over sensitive and 'wanting to fight' and that she is sick of me.
An example is excitedly showing her the house I had my offer accepted on and had saved up my whole life to buy, and her telling me that I could 'do better' was it was 'beyond her' as to why I would want to live in a tiny terrace. I can't afford a 5 bed house in huge grounds like she can in America and my house is lovely. I was disappointed that she didn't at least pretend to be happy for me and mentioned this to my Mum. She then fell out with me for being oversensitive and trying to cause issues not allowing anyone to have an opinion. The words she used were very cutting.
We have recently fallen out very badly and I am affected to the point where I am having nightmares. She made me a present and sent it from America to my parents, who I do not live with. I didn't have chance to get it for a while because of covid. When I visited I was in a rush and with my partner and said I would open it later. I was told there was a letter that I had to read and I felt awkward opening it with everyone gawping. I also wanted to give it the time it deserved. I got back to my house very late, jumped in my partner's car and then spent the next 2 days in work until 11pm and staying with my partner. I left the present in my car by accident.
On the second night when I was still in work (I told her this and apologised for not opening it) she sent me a long message saying how much I had hurt her and how much time and money she had spent on it. She said that I am the most selfish person she knows and that my feelings are always more important than others. She said that she is 'done with me' and she cannot cope with how self centered I am. She said a lot more and in very harsh words. I apologised again and explained why (I was still in work at this point), but she wouldn't listen. I had a panic attack in my car on the way home.
She has since not spoken to me for over a month. She has ignored the fact that I have got a puppy (a huge thing and she knows this) and has ignored my messages. All this because I was busy and made a mistake. Despite her comments about my selfishness I actually didn't open the present because I was thinking about others - staying for dinner to make my parents happy; driving back for 2 hours because my partner was tired; staying for hours in work to reach a deadline because no-one else would do it. I know I made a mistake and I am very sorry that I upset her, but I was enhausted. I am not the selfish awful person she says I am and it hurts so much to hear these words.
In addition, I find the present difficult because she is so regularly nasty to me. I honestly feel like she didn't really do it for me but for her (she enjoys making things and got a new tool). I don't know how to explain it. My Mum told me about the present when I made a comment that my sister had upset me again, and she said 'if you could only see what she's made you you'd know she really loves you'. I then felt guilt tripped into accepting her hurtful words because of this.
Her words are so cutting and affect me more and more. I just can't cope with how she talks to me and I want to tell her that I won't accept it anymore. It is affecting my mental health and my relationship with my partner and my parents. At the same time I am terrified of saying this to her because we are identical twins and should be the best of friends and I worry I will lose her. I can't do it anymore though.
Please be kind; I know it sounds so childish and small but there is a huge history and a difficult dynamic and I'm finding it very upsetting.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Relationship with twin sister and recent fallout
falaff · 30/10/2020 19:37
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