Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
He comments on other women, I don’t ever feel enough for him(92 Posts)
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. I’m so happy most of the time, we get on really well, have similar interests and we are attracted to each other. I do have a problem with the way he speaks about other women. He will comment on what he likes women to wear and how he likes them to look. He will see a woman on tv, or I’ll talk about a friend and he’ll be all ‘oh but she’s gorgeous!’. We have sex probably once every three weeks - something that I’m not happy about. He’s stressed with his job so I keep this to myself, I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it. But it is a big deal to me. This combined with his comments about other women and how he likes women to look, I feel like I’m just never good enough? I am fine about him finding other women attractive, that’s totally normal. But how do I approach not feeling good enough with him?
Do you comment on what you like men to wear? And how you like them to look?
I suspect he wants to keep you off balance and on the back foot.
I would either tell him I find it irritating....as you don't go on in a similar way about other men and if you want to know what he likes you'll ask OR I'd just be done with him tbh.
He's trying to get you to dance to his tune...by dressing as he likes. He doesn't say it directly...but wants you to take heed from his comments.
Just put an end to his nonsense and assert yourself.
This is all totally right.
Just tell him you wish he had a bigger dick and can he try anything about that.
I agree with both previous posts OP, you deserve way better 🌺
It's only been a year...cut your losses and move on
I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship. I just constantly feel like it’s not good enough for me to just have an off day. Or if he comments on another girl now, instead of me thinking ‘yeah she does have nice hair’ or ‘yeah she is really pretty’, I get all jealous and see it as a reflection on me. I’ve never been like that and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. In my head, if he was all about me then he would want to sleep with me. Him not doing and commenting in the way he does makes me think I’m just not his type
I remember watching Baywatch with an ex of mine once and he pointed at Pamela Anderson and said “why don’t you look like that?”. My response “do you think I’d be with you if I did”.
Funny though, for all that bluster he was devastated when I broke up with him about a year later and a few months after that started dating his (very hot) best mate
I have a busy job, but his ex girlfriend never did. I think his ex girlfriend waited on him hand and foot and did whatever he wanted. He’s a really lovely guy when he isn’t like that, but do I really have to deal with that crap!
"I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it. But it is a big deal to me."
These two comments are self-contradictory OP. If it is a big deal for you, then you should tell him, why should you protect him from your feelings that he evokes because of his insensitive actions? Protecting him and not yourself - don't be that martyr!
One year in and sex only every three weeks?? That's mad.
Speak to him.
Well he's done what he intended to do to you. Made you nice and insecure and easily manipulated into doing what he wants.
I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship.
No. And certainly not as important as your own happiness and self esteem remaining intact.
Sex once every three weeks?
He's not really performing as a partner, so wants to make you feel bad about yourself so that you'll stay with him.
I'd move on. Sounds like a prat.
What you just said
I get all jealous and see it as a reflection on me. I’ve never been like that and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.
It doesn't sit right with me. He shouldn't make you feel like this. This is not a good relationship. Your other half should big you up, not want to bring you down. He's supposed to have your back. He does t sound like he does.
He sounds a bit narcissistic tbh.
Breaking you down and then when they have broken you down so you are a shell of what you were, they dump you because they have set out to do what they wanted. And move on to the next one.
You need to work on your self confidence op. He sounds like a prick.
You are playing into his hands by complying. Wear whatever the fuck you want and if it's "not good enough for him" fuck him off.
Imagine having kids with this man. I can only see this getting worse.
Can you imagine having kids and being up all night and the next morning he wants you to be how he expects you to look?!
He sounds either really immature and insensitive at best or a narcissistic personality at worst.
Cut your losses love. Work on your self esteem and stop worrying about what he thinks.
There will always be someone better looking, earning more money, slimmer etc etc etc but you are how you are and you should be proud of that.
Don't get me wrong I like to make an effort for my husband sometimes but not every day.
Nothing wrong with wanting to look your best but you shouldn't be pressured into it.
You cannot genuinely want to live like this for the rest of your life OP 🤔
I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship
What's the point? For a shag that barely happens once a month?!
We don’t want kids, neither of us do. I like making an effort for him, and I enjoy dressing up as much as he likes me to. I just don’t like him commenting on other women like that and not giving me the affection in return. He clearly has very high standards that I’m just not meeting
And I can guarantee he's never said "I like dressing how she wants me to, I like keeping her happy". Stop being a mug.
"I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship."
Why? What about how you want to dress? And what about him keeping you happy? Somehow the statements you are making about this relationship sound a bit Stepford Wifeish. In a good relationship, you and your partner are happy because you enjoy being together. As you are. You shouldn't have to dress or act a certain way.
If you need to dress x y z and look a b c and still only get a shag once per month what is the point??
TBH he isn't in to sex and all this commenting on other way is to deflect that I think it's about you not being good enough rather than him admit he has a low sex drive or is into some sort of sex that isn't you...
He could well have a porn addiction or be asexual or closet homosexual...
Raise your standards! Why are you putting up with this shit?
"Do I really have to deal with all that crap!"
NO. YOU. DON'T.
This is an example of narcissistic triangulation. It is a tactic whereby they talk about another woman - it can be an ex, someone at work or even just someone off the tv - in order to make you feel like you don't measure up or dont live up to this standard. It is aimed at making you feel the way you are feeling.
It doesnt even have to be a woman, it can be a place they harp on about that makes you feel 'why cant they just be happy HERE with me' or it can be their mates, who they are always with, never making time for you.
But the aim is always to make you feel 'not enough' or insecure about how they feel about you.
The clothing comments add an extra dimension of control. As they may make you make changes to your appearance in order to fit this standard you think they like.
I'm sure if you look closer there will be more red flags op. But these ones are pretty big.
Also, 'the way he likes women to look'...is very objectifying. I dont think he cares much for any womens feelings, let alone yours.
I won't call it his 'high standards'. I'd say it's either his desperate attempt to cover up his low sex drive by being overly vocal about fancying other women (from a nice safe distance) or the fact he likes to make his girlfriends insecure (bet he did this to his exs as well!).
Agree with PPs: run.This will only get worse as your self esteem will slowly be sucked away as you desperately try to prove yourself to be 'worthy' of a man whose issues are his problems. Don't take his issues on as yours. That way sorrow lies.
The problem is yours @Bloom507.
I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner was this insecure. I often point attractive men out to my husband and he does the same with women. We're both secure in our relationship and don't think twice about it.
Work on your self-esteem perhaps.
Doormat and man who likes to scrub his feet on women meet......Ain't it sweet.
Either suck up his nasty little digs and your shit love life, or get rid. Can't see a third option here.
Please login first.