Talk

Advanced search

Ok what do you call this ?

(90 Posts)
Tempnamelady Sun 16-Aug-20 21:27:43

Sounds ridiculous it really does. DH , history of anxiety /OCD and messes about with his meds , has just come off Sertaline of his own volition because he reckons ‘ it wasn’t helping’.He has accessed counselling via my private healthcare but never discusses much of what is said with me even if I ask. Has very fixed opinions and hates being challenged. His football team are playing tonight not that well and he becomes really shouty and negative , arguing with adult DS to the point where he is now sulking in the back room and DS keeps popping in and trying to coax him back in . I just can’t bear it, i said it’s controlling and he saw his arse.Feel embarrassed tbh and DH girlfriend is staying and probably thinks he’s a complete dick , which I agree with. This ridiculous scenario or similar has happened on numerous occasions over the years to the point where it’s caused arguments.
I’m upstairs drinking wine but fuming tbh, DS is such a lovely kid and I just can’t understand why DH gets so wound up.

On the anxiety /OCD front there have been several bouts in recent years, they have never stopped him going to the pub multiple nights ( because socialising helps) and that I ‘don’t understand’ and ‘ haven’t been supportive’ . Sick of it all to be honest , nothing about being with him makes me happy, I rely on my hobbies and friends for enjoyment. We are in our 50s , have no money worries and I have a successful career. He is retired from his main job but back working in a stress free job with lots of time off. I do all the life admin , finances etc and never ask him for help with anything.

Sorry to offload but I don’t know what I can do to change things.The thought of retirement with him frankly depresses me , luckily I love my job and will be working for as long as I can.

OP’s posts: |
Geppili Sun 16-Aug-20 21:46:05

Hi Op I have been on SSRIs for many years. Coming off them or messing with the dose can have quite severe effects. Also he should not be drinking on them.

Geppili Sun 16-Aug-20 21:48:02

But it also sounds like he is a bit of a dick and doesn't enhance your life much! thanks

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 21:54:15

Sick of it all to be honest , nothing about being with him makes me happy, I rely on my hobbies and friends for enjoyment. We are in our 50s , have no money worries and I have a successful career.

That's really all you need to say. He's adding nothing to your life and even less to your DSs life. You have a good career, have all the admin in hand. Time to move on I think. Life is too short to keep this man in your life.

Tempnamelady Sun 16-Aug-20 21:57:53

@geppili thanks. I said as much to him but you can’t tell him re the tablets.I sometimes think he does it so he gets the comedown and then the big scenario again. Last Dec /Xmas was frankly terrible , he was also prescribed Zopliclone for sleeping and so was basically in bed at 9 on the nights he wasn’t at the pub. I didn’t go out once over the whole of Xmas and then he decided two days before a long awaited city break that I had booked and paid for and was really excited about, that he couldn’t cope with going and so we cancelled and I lost the money. Yet he still managed to go out to the pub with his pals. I have to say it did leave a bitter taste. He also read one of my WhatsApp messages from around this time offloading to my friends and was really annoyed.

I think I have low expectations of marriage to be honest , I’ve paddled my own canoe for most of the 23 years so far and it doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. But to the outside world all looks well and I can’t justify complaining. Sorry sound like a right moaning bugger and I’m usually the cheeriest person going 🙄.

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 22:07:01

Honestly OP time to move on. I've been on ssris and not had that. Zopliclone only makes you sleepy when you take it. He's actually being pretty selfish. He didn't want to make the effort for your city break and didn't care about you. Depression can make you seem very selfish but his version of selfish isn't a depression version, it's a twat version. Not the same.

Tempnamelady Sun 16-Aug-20 22:14:23

He’s just come up and said tha I should give him leeway for his behaviour because of his recent ‘horrendous time’. I told him it’s not a get out of jail card for being a dick to which he replied that do I want him to go back to being ill again. So in other words it’s my fault as usual.

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 22:18:32

See there you go. Manipulative dick. Not depression.

SoulofanAggron Sun 16-Aug-20 22:28:49

I told him it’s not a get out of jail card for being a dick to which he replied that do I want him to go back to being ill again

As PP said, manipulative arsehole. The way he treats you all is awful. Please do separate from him.

candycane222 Sun 16-Aug-20 22:29:16

Why can't you justify complaining?

I have had MH issues during my marriage - I was desperate not to let them impinge on my family, especially my kids. His anxiety and OCD don't remove the ability to use his brain. He is choosing to behave badly - or at best, choosing not to get help to cope with life and not act like a dick.

Geppili Sun 16-Aug-20 23:09:43

Jesus Op he does sound awful! Being mentally ill is not a license for lazy, manipulative behaviour. I too was prescribed zopiclone. It makes you sleepy about ten minutes after you take it. He didn't have to go up at nine. It sounds to me like he has had his own way a long time. I note how often he seems to be up to going to the pub with friends. Does he ever go a day without drink?

Life is so short and precious. You have done so much. Why don't you suggest spending time apart? How do you think he would react? smile

pog100 Sun 16-Aug-20 23:16:00

Honestly, just split. He is bringing nothing of use to the table.

Elieza Sun 16-Aug-20 23:27:54

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, arse who takes you for granted and manipulated things so he gets them his own way or sulks if he doesn’t.

You sure you don’t want to leave him? He must drive you mental. Did that for a game of soldiers.

Time to call last orders and leave him to it.

Elieza Sun 16-Aug-20 23:28:37

That should say

Sod that for a game...etc

Stupid autocorrect.

Tempnamelady Sun 16-Aug-20 23:34:24

He’s now snoring away I’m lay here fuming. This has been going on years just a bloody cycle. I would never in a million years have split while DS was young ( I am a child of divorced parents , mum was an alcoholic). . I come from a fairly under privileged background as does DH though he often comments that ‘ he has taken me away from that ‘ which is laughable and I hope said in jest . We have both worked hard though I have mainly been the higher earner, that said he is a police officer and his retirement has afforded us some security coupled with me getting a very senior and high pressure well paid role which I love.

@pog100 I think he would use this as the reason for another decline which I would not want to happen. For reference both my mum and dad have had fairly severe MH issues, mum died an alcoholic when I was in my 40s , we were not close as we were never allowed to live with her after I was about 6/7. It’s left me with a fear of MH issues.

I just feel like I have accommodated his pre MH selfishness for so long amd the subsequent MH issues that to start to challenge and call him out now will look bad to him and others.

This is my second marriage , we are materially comfortable but nights like tonight make me question everything.

Thank you all for listening ,your views are really helpful.

OP’s posts: |
Ilovesausages Sun 16-Aug-20 23:35:46

It’s called ‘have you thought about separation?’

pog100 Sun 16-Aug-20 23:40:08

I get it. Or at least I understand your feelings but I think your background had meant that you aren't seeing your own happiness as important enough. However much it might feel like it, you are not responsible for his MH. You have made your feelings plain to him, he had effectively ignored them. It's time to act decisively for your own happiness.

Aminuts23 Sun 16-Aug-20 23:43:15

He’s using his mental health as an excuse to behave like a dick and to try to manipulate you when you rightly call him out on it. It’s as simple as that really. You either put up with it or leave. He won’t change. My ex did this but with grief over the death of a loved one who’d died 20 years before we met. If I confronted him for being an arse he’d start on about me not understanding his grief etc. Just total bollocks and done to try to make me feel sorry for him when he was in the wrong and being abusive. It took me years to see what he was doing.

famousforwrongreason Mon 17-Aug-20 00:18:11

Tempnamelady

*@geppili* thanks. I said as much to him but you can’t tell him re the tablets.I sometimes think he does it so he gets the comedown and then the big scenario again. Last Dec /Xmas was frankly terrible , he was also prescribed Zopliclone for sleeping and so was basically in bed at 9 on the nights he wasn’t at the pub. I didn’t go out once over the whole of Xmas and then he decided two days before a long awaited city break that I had booked and paid for and was really excited about, that he couldn’t cope with going and so we cancelled and I lost the money. Yet he still managed to go out to the pub with his pals. I have to say it did leave a bitter taste. He also read one of my WhatsApp messages from around this time offloading to my friends and was really annoyed.

I think I have low expectations of marriage to be honest , I’ve paddled my own canoe for most of the 23 years so far and it doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. But to the outside world all looks well and I can’t justify complaining. Sorry sound like a right moaning bugger and I’m usually the cheeriest person going 🙄.

Oh fuck him off. He's taking the piss. He can manage to socialise with his mh problems but can't manage to be nice to his wife and kids. One in three of us has mental health issues at some point and it's not an excuse to be a cunt.
Many people can live alone with mh issues, do yourself and your kids a favour and stop being his emotional punchbag. You're young enough to start again with fun and freedom ahead of you

Geppili Mon 17-Aug-20 00:36:30

I bet your adult DS has some issues with his father's behaviour. You sound very strong and able to achieve what you have. He should be supporting you! He's the one in low stress employment. I think a PP is spot on and your 'difficult childhood has made you expect very little and put up with a great deal. You sound amazing, in fact. He should be celebrating his wonderful wife who does all the house admin, bore and raised children and now has a high powered job! It sounds like your DH has begun to be professionally mentally ill or stressed. It is his thing. His defining thing and he gets off on the power it has over you all and the way he leverages it to excuse frankly pathetic behaviour. Don't feel alone! Also don't be put off by what other people may or may not think about your marriage. Your happiness is very important.

Geppili Mon 17-Aug-20 00:46:16

Just found this which look like a helpful way of analysing bad behaviour with someone with mental illness:

Use the following as a litmus test to determine the difference between “I did X because I have a mental illness” versus “I did X because I’m a jerk”:

1Does your partner acknowledge that their behavior is harmful/hurtful?

2Does your partner actively and consistently try to manage their illness (by going to therapy, taking medication if warranted, etc.)?

3Does your partner try to make amends for the behavior?

4Does your partner correct the situation so the behavior doesn’t continue (and new “bad” behaviors don’t replace the original)?

If the answer is yes to all of the above, you can probably attribute the behavior to the illness. If you answered no to any or all of the above, an examination of the relationship may be in order.

Tempnamelady Mon 17-Aug-20 06:01:53

Morning. I had a rotten nights sleep whilst he lay snoring away next to me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides to take today off work as that’s what he usually does. And this will all be swept under the carpet or packaged as down to me ( at least in part) not understanding his MH issues. He never acknowledges the effect it has on me and DS, I felt mortified he did it in front of DS girlfriend though.

His final words to me last night was that I don’t want him to get better. I was so annoyed, as that then puts the responsibility back on me when I the only thing I can do is put up with his shit behaviour.

So now I’m off to the gym feeling shattered with a full days work ahead.

Thanks for your comments and insights , really helpful and given me lots to think about, it’s good to get other people’s opinions as when you are in the middle of it all you don’t always see clearly.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 17-Aug-20 06:12:19

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

With some luck, he'll die first because men tend to, so you might get some of your old age in peace, I suppose. Of course, you might get to spend some of those years looking after him through cirrhosis and liver cancer or some other debilitating disease...

Really, is this how you see your life being? Is he the companion you want for your retirement and old age? You're working now, and that's a solace, but think about what lies ahead.

CatteStreet Mon 17-Aug-20 06:19:52

Selfish, self-absorbed people can get MH issues just like nice, decent people can.

The main thing is, even if this behaviour were all MH related (and tbh it sounds as if he is thoroughly delighting in having found a surefire way to keep you in your place, both literally and metaphorically), there wouldn't be an obligation on you to put up with it, certainly not when it is as entrenched as it is. You are allowed to consider your own happiness, and your own happiness is allowed to be important to you.

You may be surprised, if you make the break, how many people say they'd been wondering how you put up with it. But even if you do get condemnation - the people condemning you won't have lived it themselves, and/or are themselves invested in some way in some people (usually women) putting up and shutting up for the sake of others.

Imissmoominmama Mon 17-Aug-20 06:31:17

I’d be tempted to make a list of the reasons you do want him to get better. Not humiliating your son, and making his girlfriend feel uncomfortable could be one of them; not making you feel thoroughly miserable in your own home is another...

If it’s your fault, as he seems to be suggesting, why hasn’t he asked for couple’s therapy?

You’ve tried to live with it, but quite honestly, is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in