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My Husband’s ex wife...

(92 Posts)
shambles01 Fri 12-Jun-20 02:42:04

My husband was married for 10 years with his ex wife and had children too. When we got married he started to talk about his ex wife extensively, for example on our first day as a married couple I made a joke about something and he said oh my ex made that joke. I remember instantly stopping laughing and mentally noting never to mention anything along those lines again. Maybe that’s silly of me but I just felt some type of way, I don’t know how to explain it. Every time my husband talks about her I feel like that, it’s just this unexplained feeling of anger and hurt, (I hope that’s not strange of me to fee like that)?
Almost everyday his ex wife comes up one way or another in our conversation and it was almost as if he is reminiscing about her and his life with her, it was like he either missed her or was comparing her to me or both. I started to be swayed more towards the latter the day when, in my husband’s words, he described his ex wife as the “dogs bollocks”. She was apparently so beautiful and skinny etc. I mention this because when he told me this he then said it would be nice if I started to wear makeup when I’m at home to “look beautiful for him“. I did. It angered me but I did it because I was just in that frame of mind that when he looks at me he obviously doesn’t think I’m the “dogs bollocks” because I‘m on the healthier side so I thought maybe with makeup I can improve that a little?
Moving a bit forward. I am now half way through my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy so everything is new to me but this will be my husband’s fourth child so not a new experience as such for him. When my appetite returned after the first trimester’s morning sickness and I started having cravings leading met to eating a bit more, he said to me “the stored energy you’ve already got probably means you don’t actually even need to eat, the pregnacare vitamins will probably be enough to sustain the baby”. In other words I’m so fat I don’t really need to eat and the baby would still get the nutrients it requires. On top of this in the same conversation he told me when his ex wife was pregnant, as soon as her pregnancy was confirmed she started doing sit ups and what not so she doesn’t put on weight, in other words saying she was so body conscience and I’m just stuffing my face. I got enraged that he would suggest that to me but my eating habits did change slightly for a few days after these remarks where I would eat less or not at all but then everything returned back to normal. The real turning point was when we had an argument about something, (it was my fault I was being hormonal and unreasonable), and he repeatedly said get your fat self out, you’re fat this, fat, fat that etc when we were arguing about something completely away from that. From that day forward which was about a month ago, I used to weigh 14 stones and now I’m 12.4 stones so I’m losing weight despite being pregnant. Every time I’m hungry or craving, (usually an unhealthy food), I would think of how my husband called me fat and either not eat at all or stick to fruit. I’ve been on a diet of just fruit and veg for a month now and as much as I am enjoying the weight loss look sometimes I think to myself my husband has put me in the position where I’m overthinking the calories in every little thing I eat now which is adding stress to an already stressful time. There was a period of time where he didn’t mention his ex wife for a while and the wight loss was consuming me anyway but today he mentioned her again about how she used to be a really good cook, (my husband is hardly ever a fan of anything I cook for him), and it just bought back all those horrible feelings I get whenever he talks about her. I’ve confronted him in the past about him talking about his ex so much, I said it makes me self conscience and insecure but he said that she was a part of his life and always will be because she’s the mother of his children and that I just have to deal with my insecurities, that’s my problem. I guess I took that on board and when he did mention his ex I would just seem neutral and just listen to what he was saying and then have a cry in private.
Since I got pregnant my husband would compare every child he saw, whether it was in a film or when we were out and about, to his own children, oh she looks like my first child, that child looks like my youngest etc and he go through a moment of despair. I also feel strange when he talks about his children which makes me fee like a bad and not supporting wife because I don’t know what to say when he’s in that state, for fear of saying the wrong thing. His children he has described to me as being as beautiful as their mum. He often makes digs at me about how the baby will be ugly like me or fat. At first I thought it was just joke/banter talk but it was reoccurring.
I feel confused about everything, his ex wife, his children with her, his issue with my weight. Every time anyone of these things comes up, which is about 10 times a day, I fee like this rage boiling in me but simultaneously I feel like crying because I feel hurt that I would never be as good looking or as skinny or as good at anything like his ex wife was and that our baby has a bar to meet in their looks compared to his children with his ex. I say to myself it’s because of hormones I feel all of this and that I’m overreacting, overthinking everything but I don’t know? How do I deal with my husband’s previous life he had with his ex wife?

OP’s posts: |
REignbow Fri 12-Jun-20 02:55:42

If he ex wife was so skinny/the dogs balls, then why did they separate?

He’s awful. In fact he’s emotionally abusing you. He’s putting you down and using his ex as a stick to beat you with.

REignbow Fri 12-Jun-20 02:56:08

# if his ex wife, I should have said.

rvby Fri 12-Jun-20 03:03:40

Have you never met his kids?

Also, sorry but you shouldn't be having a baby with this guy. He doesn't like you. The time to leave him was a VERY long time ago.

You can't diet while pregnant either... that way madness lies. Your body needs food to survive childbirth and recover properly, make milk etc...

Do you have family you can go to? You can't bring an innocent baby into this extremely abusive situation

frazzledasarock Fri 12-Jun-20 03:04:26

You’re losing weight whilst pregnant?

Isn't the nausea being exacerbated by you not eating when you need to?

Does he not see his children from his previous marriage?

He is abusive.

stellabelle Fri 12-Jun-20 03:05:14

Your rage isn't caused by hormones - it is caused by the fact that your husband is an infuriating twat !

I can't see anything positive about him here - he calls you fat / says your baby will be "ugly like you" ( WTF !) and constantly compares you to his ex.

I can only assume that the divorce was instigated by her, and that he isn't over her in any way. In your shoes I'd be leaving him - if he is like this at the early stage of marriage and fatherhood with you, he isn't going to get any better. He'll grind you down with his horrible behaviours until you have no self worth at all.

It isn't often that i read a post and immediately think "leave the bastard" but your post is one of them. Your best move would be to do the Freedom Programme and then leave .

stellabelle Fri 12-Jun-20 03:09:54

His children he has described to me as being as beautiful as their mum. You've been with him long enough to get married and get pregnant....but you've never actually met his other children ? Unless they live in another country, why is this ?

Your story makes me think that his ex divorced him because he was abusive to her and the kids. All of this story is full of red flags to me. Leaving would be the best move for you, OP.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 12-Jun-20 03:13:18

She probably kicked his abusive arse out the door REignbow.

user1481840227 Fri 12-Jun-20 03:54:42

The issue isn't your husbands ex wife.
The issue is your husband.

What a disgusting man!!
He thought you shouldn't bother eating and let your body just burn your fat in order to feed the baby. What the actual fuck! That is one of the worst things I've heard on here. All the examples you've given of what he says to you are disgusting and emotionally or verbally abusive.
I bet you there's a lot more bad stuff he says to you or little ways he emotionally abuses you that you haven't even spotted yet.

Please leave him.

MonsterRehab23 Fri 12-Jun-20 04:07:57

I so hope this isn’t true. Your husband is a dick. I know it’s difficult because of lockdown but please make plans to leave him. He is abusing you. Please don’t starve yourself either for you or your baby’s health flowers

Aquamarine1029 Fri 12-Jun-20 04:16:42

You need to get your ducks in a row and aggressively start making your exit plan. Your husband is absolutely fucking horrible. Abusive, manipulating, and shockingly cruel. I would love to know what his ex could tell you about him, because I'm sure it's all terrible. There's a good reason their marriage ended, I'm sure. Get the fuck out of there.

FlamingIris Fri 12-Jun-20 04:35:28

OP his behaviour is called triangulation abuse. He is using a third person to manipulate and make you feel devalued.

Why haven’t you met her and the kids?

The last thing you want is for him to carry on this behaviour with your child as they grow up.

Please don’t let him destroy your self worth even more. You and your baby deserve better.

pinacoladalover Fri 12-Jun-20 04:37:06

Eating only fruit and veg for a month at 5 months pregnant? Sorry if I sound harsh but you already put this arsehole first in front of your baby. You are damaging baby's health, what the hell are you thinking? Before we talk about your husband and his ex, I think you have issues with yourself if you allow some jerk treating you and your unborn baby this way. When baby will be born he will cry, he will poop, he may get poorly, he won't sleep through the night, this is a real test for even the strongest couples, how do you think he will behave then? Go to therapy, talk to someone IRL, gather your network support by your side and make plans to leave. Your problems are in this priority: you (sort out your self esteem) your dh ( get rid) and his ex is last (or she is not at all) . Make plans and go or you will be stuck in an abusive relationship when you need the most support and comfort while navigating first months of motherhood.

ToLiveInPeace Fri 12-Jun-20 04:39:02

FFS. First of all, please go and eat something. You need calcium and protein and other things to protect your body and grow a baby. Secondly, this is an awful, manipulative husband and a terrible father to your child. Whatever you choose to do, please make all your decisions in the best interests of you and your baby, because this man is not doing that on your behalf.

Rookie93 Fri 12-Jun-20 04:43:42

That post must have been very difficult to write OP. Please don't ignore the others here who are urging you to take care of yourself and the baby your carrying. Those should be your only concerns right now.

As pp have said if your OH's previous exW and their relationship was so fantastic why did it end and how healthy is the relationship with the three children from that relationship?

What your describing sounds a very corrosive and controlling environment to me as an outsider - please think about your own long term safety and health, mental as well as physical. Do you want to bring up your own child with someone who could subject to such them and their mother to abuse? He should be capable of loving them unconditionally even before they are born flowers

REignbow Fri 12-Jun-20 04:45:52

@DioneTheDiabolist, l thought as much myself but I was interested to hear what line the OP had been spun, in regards to this. If she hasn’t even met his DC ETC, then he most probably isn’t allowed to have any contact with them.

@shambles01you really need to talk about this with your midwife. Only eating fruit and vegetables, is insane.

Please also call WA and tell them everything you’ve written here. Read the book by Randy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’.

duletty Fri 12-Jun-20 04:49:04

Agree with what everyone has said. What else do you talk about? There can’t be much time left after talking constantly about the things you have mentioned, I would personally be change the record this is incredibly boring.

duletty Fri 12-Jun-20 04:51:34

pinacoladalover

Eating only fruit and veg for a month at 5 months pregnant? Sorry if I sound harsh but you already put this arsehole first in front of your baby. You are damaging baby's health, what the hell are you thinking? Before we talk about your husband and his ex, I think you have issues with yourself if you allow some jerk treating you and your unborn baby this way. When baby will be born he will cry, he will poop, he may get poorly, he won't sleep through the night, this is a real test for even the strongest couples, how do you think he will behave then? Go to therapy, talk to someone IRL, gather your network support by your side and make plans to leave. Your problems are in this priority: you (sort out your self esteem) your dh ( get rid) and his ex is last (or she is not at all) . Make plans and go or you will be stuck in an abusive relationship when you need the most support and comfort while navigating first months of motherhood.

Agree baby is top priority not this arses opinion, you are making an entire human out of your body

AlwaysCheddar Fri 12-Jun-20 06:32:43

Your dh is abusing your. And your baby. Eat what you want, youre pregnant. And tell him the next time he mentions his ex, he can go live there with her.

Notmoresugar Fri 12-Jun-20 06:48:20

You need to get some protein into you.
Read up about - there are loads of pregnancy books.
Your husband is an abusive prick.
Why do you put yourself (and your baby) through it??

Imissmoominmama Fri 12-Jun-20 06:57:22

How long have you been together? It seems odd that you’ve never met his kids, or their mum. Does he see them, and if not, why not?

footprintsintheslow Fri 12-Jun-20 06:57:43

Op
What friends and family do you have near by? If I were in your position I'd be leaving today and going to stay with someone I trusted and was close to.
Also ring your midwife today and explain everything you have told us.

His behaviour is not normal.

Imissmoominmama Fri 12-Jun-20 06:57:55

And yes to protein- your baby needs to grow.

amusedtodeath1 Fri 12-Jun-20 07:17:42

I'm so sorry, but he is a manipulative arsehole. You and your baby need protein and fats, please don't let him put both of yours health at risk.

I agree with PPs sounds like he was abusive to his first wife and that's why he can't see his kids so now he's doing it to you. I have no doubt he has a whole sob story about how it's not his fault, they all do.

Do you have family or friends you can go to. You really need to get out. No matter what he says he won't change, and he will try every trick in the book to make you stay/get you back. Just remember if he didn't learn his lesson by losing his first family, there's nothing that will change him.

kandicoateddream Fri 12-Jun-20 07:20:55

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. You need to put your baby first and leave this twat. I'd be packing my bags and tell him to fuck off back to his ex wife if she is that great!

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