Discovered affair

[Katrinawaves]

First time poster looking for support. I discovered by accident this week that my husband has been cheating on me for about 18 months. He confessed when I asked him about a hotel booking I’d found in his name.

He says he has broken it off - claims he did it the day afterwards - and that he wants us to remain together. Is suggesting couples counselling but is trying to schedule this for times which would be easy for him to attend without raising any eyebrows but would mean I’d have to leave work early each session. Didn’t consult me about what time of day would work for me, didn’t show me the text he says he sent breaking it off with the other woman.

I’m all over the shop. Have had to take a few days off work as I’m just floored by the whole thing and keep bursting into tears.

Not sure what advice I need or want but have no one in real life to talk to about this and no idea what I want to do - stay or leave. Financially I think we’d be able to make things work but I have 3 kids with my husband but no family who would support me through this emotionally and a demanding job. Until Monday I’d have said my husband was my life partner and best friend and I just want to wind the clock back and for this not to have happened.

He’s weeping and claiming to feel guilty and ashamed - but that’s how he feels because he was caught not how he was feeling when he came home on Monday night to discover his secret was out. And are his tears because he’s had to break with her (if he even has actually done that?)

So far all I’ve managed to do is have a check up at SH clinic to make sure he hasn’t passed anything horrible on to me. What else do I need to be doing or thinking about?

[Minionmomma]

Could he go somewhere else for a while so that you can have some headspace to work out what you might want to do? Do you even want to attend counselling? He’s taken that decision. That is your decision not his.

[Katrinawaves]

We haven’t told the kids and I’d have to do that if he moved out even temporarily. And I don’t think my eldest son (who is 19) would forgive him if he knew. One of the reasons my husband gave for why he started the affair was he was jealous of my relationship with my eldest.

[Robin2323]

I think you need to take a moment and decided what you want.
And you will be feeling a lot of emotions. You need ti feel then before you can move forward.

Many will tell you ti LTB but it's never as simple as that.

You will need to have some clear communication with your dh.

Be clear why this happened.
How will things be different if you do decide to work through this and stay together.

Many couples have come through once the underlining reasons have been tackled.

[beachandcocktails]

I'm so sorry. People can and do come through things like this whereas others absolutely cannot forgive/get past it. And either is OK, but right now you're in shock and you need space to think, please don't pressure yourself to make a decision.

One thing that concerns me is that it took you discovering the affair for him to break it off - I've seen other cases where the person who has had the affair confesses off their own back and has already broken it off - it's cases like that where I'm more hopeful of it working. In this case he's carried it on until he's been caught.

At the very least, right now I'd be wanting proof that he's broken it off, and open access to his phone. If he can't give you that then, for me personally I couldn't even think about trying to make it work.

Only YOU can decide what to do though. I do think having some space from him is a good idea. Could you say he's working away or something like that? Do keep posting here for support too. Is there anyone at all in real life you can talk to? Please be kind to yourself x

[Minionmomma]

Sorry but he’s a dick. Jealous of your relationship with your child. That alone would be a big red flag. I appreciate you want to protect your children by keeping this from them. But what is the alternative? You keep quiet and basically suffer silently? One way or another this will come out. It’s your husband that has the explaining to do, not you. Relate has some good advice on their website about how to protect children in such circumstances xx

[pennyhasdropped]

Can I give you some advice from someone who been exactly where you are now.. make him leave for now, pretend he's gone on attaining course, please do this and give yourself some head space.

Then you can tackle how you feel.. I guarantee there's more to come and the jigsaw will slowly start to fit! Hugs xx

[Katrinawaves]

I think part of the problem is not knowing whether I want to stay or leave. That changes minute by minute. And I also don’t know what needs to change. We’ve been together more than 30 years and I trusted him completely. I don’t think either of us would want a relationship where I had to keep checking up on him to stop him cheating.

I do think couples counselling is a good idea if we get the right person but I’d rather not have the humiliation of having to tell my boss who is a massive gossip that I need regular time off to attend. (Boss thing is a whole other thread but I know from past experience that it would be all round my friendship group at work instantly if I told him).

[NewFoneWhoDis]

I think that you need time. It's all very well him rushing off to book marriage counselling - at a time that is inconvenient to you because he wants to fix this but he's had 18 months to get his head around the enormity of his cheating and to normalise it and compartmentalise it.

You need time. And preferably with him not in your face the whole time weeping over god knows what. Him blaming your DS is dispicable.

So what I would do is find out where you stand on all scenarios. What's your position if you split? What has to happen for you to stay? Take time. He got 18 months to figure out his actions, you should get at least the same time to do likewise. Get counselling for yourself to process your thoughts, and then should you think you need to, get joint counselling with him. But not until you are ready.
Ask him to leave and stay elsewhere to give yourself headspace. And make him see this wont' be simply a few days of cold shoulder and sleeping on the sofa, it goes way beyond that. Do not listen to him if he says you are throwing away the marriage - he did that 18 months ago, you just never discovered it until now.

You do not have to make any decisions right now. And even if you do, you are totally free to change your mind if you think differently down the line. For now, focus on YOU and what you need for the moment.

[Pinkbonbon]

What a massive asshole.

I mean he's trying to schedule couples counciling? Wtf. You haven't even said you are ready to forgive him yet and already he's making it seem as it's something you have to work together to fix rather than he's a big cheating creep and doesn't deserve squat from you.

So much for remorse! He's already making his actions somehow your fault. They aren't.

You need to tell him to f*ck off and give you some space (if it were me I'd say perminantly). And maybe look into counciling yourself but not with this manipulative snake.

Once he's out you can have some space to process things. If he refuses to give you this space (which he probably will) - take it.

[user1479305498]

Listen OP, nearly 3 years after finding out some shit from many years previously I still don’t know whether I want to stay and that’s because I never made him leave or left myself, I never really got that headspace, it was almost ‘presumed’ I would just forgive and forget, like you a long marriage too. My advice is to tell him you want 6 months on your own initially and see a counsellor individually . It’s more likely with space stuff will come out too and then see how you feel, not how he feels!! His feelings are pretty irrelevant as he doesn’t clearly want to end things with you , it’s you that will feel ‘not quite the same’ about him. It’s hard to get that headspace or get some perspective with having to be with them 24/7

[billydilly]

I had a similar bullshit excuse about feeling 'excluded' from the close relationship I have with our three teens. This closeness didn't just happen, it's the result of devoted parenting, something he couldn't be bothered to do; might this be your dynamic too?

My son did take it badly when he learned of his dads affair and their relationship is damaged, whether that will be permanent only time will tell but those are the risks which the philandering husband/parent knowingly take.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

You may not feel like it right now, but YOU have the power now. Don't dance to his tune of couples councelling at a time of his choosing! tell him he needs to leave for a while.

He's rushing this along, trying to paper over it by making it a couple problem, instead of treating it for what it is. Common or garden extra marital sex.

Using your closeness to your son as an excuse to get his dick wet elsewhere for 18 months? Appalling.

Has he actually dumped the affair partner? Where is the proof?

[Jellybeansincognito]

I don’t personally think a relationship can ever recover from this.
It’s not just the affair, he’s crossed a massive respect boundary and once that’s crossed I don’t truly believe it can ever be returned.

Respect and trust are the baseline of any relationship, he’s deceived you with both.

His reasons so far are ridiculous and he sounds extremely selfish.

Put yourself first, he should be grovelling to you, not planning counselling sessions without your input.

Good luck op x

[CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt]

He's jealous of your relationship with your shared child? WTF?!

He should stop blaming you for his (unreasonable) actions and give you some space to decide how you feel.

[Jellybeansincognito]

I also think you should meet up with the women he had the affair with, the more information in life we have, the more we can understand a situation.

Just don’t blame her, it’s not her fault. It’s your husbands.

[Jellybeansincognito]

And also yes!

He’s pretty much told you it’s your fault that he cheated on you, what an asshole.

[Katrinawaves]

That’s all food for thought. I think in terms of separation that it would be easiest for me to move out for a while because I work about 75mins commute from where we currently live and travel a lot for work. I wouldn’t be able to continue in the same job and have my DS continue to live with me if DH wasn’t also living under the same roof.

I’ve got travel planned from next week to early November but I could look at renting a flat close to work on a month by month let when I get back. DS could then stay in family home and keep at same school and I could have him at weekends and try to see him after school as much as I can

[raspberryk]

18 months? That is not a mistake, that's deliberate, calculated and he is only sorry he got caught!

[81Byerley]

First of all, he's the one who needs to put himself out for the counselling, not you. My first husband had an affair and I didn't tell anyone. The biggest mistake of my life. My reasoning was that I didn't want my kids or our families to know in case we managed to sort things out. In the event it turned out that he was still secretly seeing her, every minute of my life was miserable, I couldn't think of anything else. I was depressed and anxious, and the thought of being by myself was scary after 23 years. If it happened again, I would tell my children. They were a big support when they did eventually find out. Please tell someone. You need support.

[YouJustDoYou]

He's thinking only of himself - doesn't want counselling at times his own colleagues would find out, but happy for you to have to ensure the gossip?? No no no. OP, if he wants even a sliver of a chance for this to work he needs to do whatever, WHATEVR, YOU need, that makes YOU feel more secure etc, NOT what he seems suitable for his own convenience. If he starts down this route already, reconciliation will never, ever work.

[YouJustDoYou]

*endure

[Fookadook]

I think he’s trying to placate you with the counselling. So he’s seen to be ‘doing the right thing’, he’s tried. Where as actually he’s doing it at a time convenient for him so that no one finds out.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. It’s early days. Also you need to decide what happens from now on, not him. If you don’t want to go to counselling then don’t go. If you want space then have some space. He has to take full responsibility here, and you get to decide how this now plays out. Why does he get to decide you’ll remain together? You might not want to, even after counselling. It’s very easy for him to decide he wants to work on it where as in reality if you hadn’t have found out, it would still be continuing.

[pennyhasdropped]

I think that's a very good plan, please give yourself some space. That initial shock is bloody awful I was a wreck! Step back take stock remove yourself from that man and don't you dare let him turn this into your fault.

I remember feeling so embarrassed not wanting people to know, I'd convinced myself I was the problem. I have carried around his vile secret ever since whilst I crumble from the inside out. Please do do that, it's so not ok to treat someone you supposedly love like this. 18 months is a hell of a long time!! Think of all the lies he's told you, god it makes me so cross why the hell do they do this!!

[Katrinawaves]

@pennyhasdropped

You’ve totally nailed how I feel! Humiliated and inadequate and like the world and he is laughing at me or would do if they found out.

He threw me a big birthday party last year with all our close friends who were oohing and ahing about what a great husband he was and he lapped it all up. And bought me a fecking eternity ring for Christmas!

[Jellybeansincognito]

Also I agree, don’t feel ashamed OP you’ve not done anything wrong.
If he was truly sorry he would understand that telling your close family and family would be the right thing to do, you’d get support, he wouldn’t get away with his shitty behaviour.