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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The whole "best friends" thing ... essentially dysfunctional?

78 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 14:36

I have had a few 'best friends' in my life, and it's always been, in the end, an unmitigated disaster. I still speak to everyone, but they annoy the hell out of me, and the whole situation was stupid.

I'm not talking about close friends, I'm talking about friends you have to talk to every day, tell them everything, etc etc.

OP posts:

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Carmenere · 02/08/2007 14:43

they are not best friends. Best Friends don't need any upkeep at all. They are the ones that if you haven't seen them for months but you needed to bawl down the phone, you can. They are the ones that when you sit around a dinner table with them there is no agenda other than having a laugh and slipping back into familiar friendship. I have 3 and their friendship is one of the most valuable things in my life and I know that they feel the same way.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 14:46

Hmmm, yes, I don't feel that way about any of these ex-ish best friends. I do have a couple of friends I'd describe that way, though. I think.

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mslucy · 02/08/2007 14:47

they just sound like needy nutcases.

Unless you are at school (or mentally unstable) you will realise that good friends give you space when you need it and support when you need it.

You do the same for them.

sauce · 02/08/2007 15:02

We'd never call each other "best friend" - yuck! but I agree with Carmenere's description of a real friend. I have 2 or 3 that I trust implicitly but I never go over the boundaries (neediness, phoning every day, telling everything etc). NQC is right. Best Friends ends in disaster because immature concept, IMO.

NeedyNutcase · 02/08/2007 15:05

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:14

Hmmm, I guess I just got in bad habits from school, and carried on the same way, more or less. The last one of these ended a few years back.

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MadEyeMisdee · 02/08/2007 15:17

i have a handful of very close friends. (family aside) they are the ones who will let me call them at 2am for a bawl and rant. actually only one i will do that to as he doesnt have kids so i can wake him up. they are the ones who know insticially when i need propping up a bit, and when to back off. i feel like i have been a crap friend to them at times, but they know where i am what the situation is, and dont make any demands on me.

i dont have anyoen who i 'have' to talk to everyday, apart from my dh.

oranges · 02/08/2007 15:19

I always got slightly uneasy at the way people fell out and made up with their best friends - I thought that hassle was only for boyfriends.

littlelapin · 02/08/2007 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMarvel · 02/08/2007 15:24

Sometimes you can split up with best friends, then see them years later and get back to what you had. Don't think that because they're gone they're gone forever. I have some of the best times with an old friend I had a huge bustup with and I only see a couple of times a year.

I never understood the "best friend" at school concept, it's something that happens naturally. My dd's seem to be under pressure always from their peers at school to have "bezzie mates". I think those kind of friendships are nice if they happen naturally, but often they're just insecure girls being clingy.

BandofMothers · 02/08/2007 15:24

i HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS THAT NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN BETWEEN SEEING THEM, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE BEEN APART A DAY, WITH A BIT MORE TO TALK ABOUT. wHEN YOU TALK TOTALLY COMFORTABLY AND HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY 3 HRS PASSES IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

Oops, sorry, Caps

anyhoo, one of those best of friends died when we were 22, now 30. And I miss talking to her still. Friends like that are few and far between.

FioFio · 02/08/2007 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:27

I agree with Carmenere.

And sorry, LL, but I can't imagine conflating my best friend and my partner!

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:28

Thing is, I've had three best friends like that, I'm still on okish terms with all of them, and they all still irritate the fuck out of me, tbh.

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littlelapin · 02/08/2007 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:29

can admit now I find that claim a bit weirderoony and disfunctional...

Oblomov · 02/08/2007 15:30

I have a bf. Not plural, but one. I may speak to her once a week or once a fortnight. I tell her alot.
I consider it a bit strange that many of you , have had it end it "unmitigated disaster"'s. Very odd.

FioFio · 02/08/2007 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:31

Once a week or once a fortnight is probably manageable. It's the once-a-day thing that's ridiculous.

Fiofio, the most recent one, I am only still speaking to, because we overlap. In two years we will stop overlapping, and stop speaking. We certainly don't speak any more than we absolutely have to.

(We seemed to be quite close, but I suddenly realised I was always the one arranging things and planning things and suggesting things. So I stopped. We haven't hung out since.)

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:32

(First one, we just were and are very different. We get on ok, but her attitude re: her relationships annoys the feck out of me. The second one became anorexic. She is ok now, but denies anything was ever wrong. )

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Dinosaur · 02/08/2007 15:34

I have never really got the hang of "best friends" but I'm not convinced I've missed much.

Oblomov · 02/08/2007 15:34

My bf is from uni. My old bf from school , lives in Hk. I still consider her a friend. But when I see her, it is like we saw eachother yesterday. Both of these seem normal to me.
I agree with Carmeners view and find NQC 's view on things quite odd.

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Oblomov · 02/08/2007 15:36

I have read NQC's 15:31 post and understand more.

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:36

I think it's not so much best mates that's important as friendships overall. I think those are as, or more, important than one primary domestic/sexual relationship.

BandofMothers · 02/08/2007 15:36

NQC, maybe you have outgrown them.

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