Engaged and dreadfully unhappy

[rogerfed]

I've posted here before about trust issues with my fiance but he has always managed to talk me round. It seems he is a Jedi master at persuasion. We're about to buy a beautiful house together and get married next year. Everyone loves him and I mean EVERYONE - my kids, my family, my friends. He is very jovial and kind hearted, but in many ways is incredibly selfish:

• he makes decisions unilaterally, often informing me of them after the fact
• he has lied to me repeatedly, some of the lies have been small and insignificant, some have been whoppers.
• we don't really have a lot in common and our conversation is often superficial, whereas I love nothing more than a good deep conversation
• he works incredibly hard and that seeps massively into our home life. That won't ever change.
• he has had problems in the past with putting appropriate boundaries in place with other women. He is flirtatious and his inappropriately close friendship with another woman almost ended a marriage.
• he is very 'blokeish' and can often act like a teenager when other people ask about our relationship - like it's embarrassing

On the flip side he can be incredibly generous and thoughtful, but it seems like every week (and sometimes multiple times a week) i get hurt feelings about something he has said or done.

But because so many other people love him and are cheering for us, I'm honestly concerned that I am sabotaging a good relationship. This would be my second marriage, but I've had lots of previous healthy relationships - I think I know what they look and feel like. Surely the fact that I am so unhappy and anxious says something?

Has anyone else broken off an engagement and really regretted it?

[LunaTheCat]

If your instinct says no then listen to that .

[HundredMilesAnHour]

It doesn't matter that "EVERYONE loves him". The only person who matters here is you. And it sounds like there are far too many red flags with this man. You know it's true.

It's a lot easy to break off an engagement than it is to get divorced. Don't be one of those people who say they knew on their wedding day that their marriage was never going to work but they went ahead anyway because they were scared of the drama it would cause if they pulled out.

If you feel hurt at least once a week by his actions/behaviour, he is NOT the man for you.

[LoveManyTrustfew]

Run Forest run.

[babygoose48]

I think you know that the fact you are unhappy and anxious says something yes, its yourself telling you its not right.

You seem to be very hung up on what others think about him and the relationship. Ask yourself this, who is involved in the relationship? There are two people involved, its you and him. You do not need anyone else to decide whether he is a great person or not, that's up to you. Ultimately, it wont affect anyone else and to put it bluntly they just wont give a shit anyway about how he makes you feel. They aren't dealing with heading in to a marriage with someone that's not right for them because they aren't in the relationship - you are.

Read through your post and all the points you made about him. Honestly, do you think this is a good relationship?

[Ohyesiam]

The only person who needs to love him is you.
Come on now, why would you enter into this massive commitment to someone who hurts you and lies to you. You know it’s going to get worse.

[Froglette16]

Listen to your heart. You’ve had healthy relationships before and you know how they feel. This isn’t one. Your friends and loved ones will support you once you explain your feelings but don’t get them involved before you quit the relationship. In the end, everyone inc mumsnetters would rather see you single than go through the heartache of a marriage you knew wasn’t right for YOU. Love and luck 🌷🌷🌷

[Trinity66]

You really shouldn't have that many doubts about the man you're planning to spend the rest of your life with imo I mean one or two of those reasons you listed would be enough for me not to go through with it.

[KateGrey]

These other people aren’t living with him or marrying him. Don’t settle because it sounds like your gut is saying no.

[ffffffffsake]

He won't change, and neither will you, and that's not a bad thing. Choosing to break up can feel like admitting you made a mistake by getting together/engaged/married in the first place, but you didn't know then what you do now so the only mistake would be staying if you're unhappy.

[user1471548941]

I was in a relationship like that except it was laziness. Everyone else loved him but they didn’t have to live with him playing Playstation for 6 hours a day whilst I ran the household and working 50% more hours than him.

I left, 3 weeks later was asked out by a guy I had admired from afar for ages. We took it very very slowly because of my background but a year later I know what love really is. He is considerate, I feel cared for and the deep conversations are AMAZING.

Leave, it might be tough to find your feet on your own but trust me it’s worth it. I live on my own and have learnt to love it, it’s amazing to know you can do it alone and such a confidence boost. I’ve never looked back.

You deserve more, you sound intelligent and lovely and there is so much better out there.

[Atalune]

The lifestyle isn’t worth the lack of connection.

Don’t let your life be this superficial.

[PeaPodPopper]

Take the ring off your finger, put it in its box and post it back to him, then get on with the rest of your life.

You are already seeing what he is like - your gut feeling, your spidey senses are telling you. LISTEN to them!

Then go and live YOUR life YOUR way.

All the best to you.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Skip the divorce; don’t get married in the first place. Don’t buy property with him. Don’t get pregnant.

Well, yeah, his public persona is fantastic, but privately- not so much/not compatible. You don’t see the relationship going the distance so it’s best to end it now.

You are so so so right to not be manipulated or pressured by others’ opinions.

[rogerfed]

Wow! Those are some pretty unambiguous responses. I feel I've lost my trust in myself. My gut is screaming at me, but if everyone else thinks he's so marvellous, why don't I? I'd hate to think I'm throwing away a relationship because I'm overly sensitive, but then lying is a pretty big deal and trust is a huge deal.

[Atalune]

Is he

High earner
Hugh achiever
Serial Singleton with the odd relationship
No kids

If he’s all of the above AND a liar and emotionally stunted I would fly fly away.

Your friends only see the good bits. They don’t see him like you can.

[rogerfed]

I lived on my own for years before meeting him and LOVED it! I'm not afraid of that at all. In fact, I wonder if that's one of the reasons I don't want to get married again. I really liked having my own wee house, my own family and suiting myself. Financially I would be much poorer, but there's worse things than that!

[Loopytiles]

Don’t buy the house. Don’t marry him.

If “everyone” had information on all the bad things about him your OP sets out, which are not minor things, they would probably change their opinion!

[rogerfed]

@atalune - whoa - ding ding ding on all counts!

[Koko12]

Hi OP
yes I broke off my engagement 5 months before I was due to get married and I am so glad that I did.Trust your gut and I wouldn’t be going ahead with the house purchase either in your shoes.good luck

[oiiiiiii]

If it were me -

I would finish this relationship sooooo quickly.

Is there anything else keeping you with him - be honest with yourself.

Do you need his wage - would you be very much poorer, or homeless without him? Related, if you don't need his wage, do you WANT his wage and the lifestyle you can have together? Do you feel left out / billy no mates when single? Does he help with the kids? Etc.

Answers to these questions and more might help you see whether you can leave him quickly, whether you need to get supports in place, etc.

But it does have to end. This guy is your future ex husband at the very best.

[ToBeARockAndNotToRoll]

People who aren't in the relationship can only 'see.' You experience. You feel. If your gut is screaming at you, listen to it!

[wtffgs2]

Call it off. You know what's not right.

Frankly, everyone else's opinions mean nothing. If he is so wonderful one of them can have him.

I really wish I had known about MN when I was engaged and having doubts!!!!

[BumbleBeee69]

If you are unhappy, you don't need a reason to leave or end the engagement, just end it

[rogerfed]

Thank you so much for your responses so far! I can't tell you how good it is to feel the doubt draining away and resolve replacing it.

[Knittink]

What other people think of him is not important. They're not about to marry him. Even if he were the most wonderful person ever (which he very clearly isn't), if he's not right for you, then he's not.

Any one of the faults you mention would justify splitting up with him. Combined, they look totally intolerable. Engagement is the time when everything should look at its rosiest. If you have doubts already, things will get far, far worse once you're married.