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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this abusive?

83 replies

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 20:45

If ones DH said:

He was resentful of your new career success after being a SAHM...
Was jealous of your friends...
Frustrated that you had started to enjoy a little bit more social time as your kids had got older...
Annoyed that you had a new hobby...

Would you think it abusive in any way?

If he had outwardly pretended to be supportive before admitting all the above, how would you feel?

OP posts:

Report

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 07/04/2018 20:49

I suppose it depends on what conversation you were having, and what he expected you to do about it. If he wanted to tell you how he felt but knew that was his issue and intended to continue to support you I would say not abusive. If he was expecting you to change your life so he would feel better, abusive.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 07/04/2018 20:50

I don't think admitting that alone is abusive, but it wouldn't surprise me if those feelings had led to abusive behaviour. It certainly doesn't sound like he is a supportive or equal partner. How are things generally?

DorynownotFloundering · 07/04/2018 20:50

Certainly controlling and very immature, sounds like EA & needs to be talked about & stopped if possible. Would he get help to talk it over together & help him see how unacceptable it is?

BubblingUp · 07/04/2018 20:51

It sounds controlling.

delilahbucket · 07/04/2018 20:51

I wouldn't say it's abusive. As a starting point, and without knowing more, I would say it's a good thing he has voiced his feelings so they can be dealt with. We all feel a bit insecure sometimes. Perhaps he's worried you're leaving him behind.

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 20:52

Difficult to say without knowing more than you, but my first thought is no, he is just unhappy with his life.
I have felt this way towards my H over the years, when he has played cricket all day and I've been with the kids and he has more friends than me so goes out more etc.

I would ask him about what his own goals are and what he thinks he could do to achieve them.

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 20:53

more than you said*

Onemansoapopera · 07/04/2018 20:53

I would say it was brutal honesty.

Poshindevon · 07/04/2018 20:53

Of course its not abuse.
However your husband is feeling insecure and jealous.
I would feel hurt and concerned about the relationship if my DH had such strong insecurities. I would also feel angry with him for being
So childish

DancingLedge · 07/04/2018 20:54

1,2 expressing his feelings. Not very positive feelings, but not all of them are.

3,4. Hmm. Not abusive. A bit red flaggy, but depends on how it was said.
If he's feeling not ok, I'd wonder what was not working for him in his life, and what he wants to do about it..
If it was said in a " I'm not happy with that, so you'd better change what you're doing" way, I'd describe that as an attempt to control. So be careful not to be controlled.

In an otherwise good relationship, I'd ask him what he was unhappy about in his life. And tell him, that whilst I want to hear about his feelings, that's a whole lot of negativity coming my way, which I'm feeling a bit undermined by.

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 20:56

He also said he was happier when I was home with the kids all day.

I have had another recent thread which I will try to link to for context....

OP posts:

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 20:58

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3212849-having-a-crap-time

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/04/2018 21:00

I'm glad you're doing so well now. I read your other thread and thought he sounded absolutely disgusting. Now he's shown he's jealous of your achievements - it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to bring you down.

Do you really want to stay with him?

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:03

Ok now you've added some context I'd get the hell away OP.

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 21:04

Tbh no I don't, but the guilt at ending things is crippling. His gloomy, blank face is just sucking everything from me, it's so negative all the time.

I come from acrimoniously divorced parents and I think this is stopping me from pushing ahead

OP posts:

Sarsparella · 07/04/2018 21:06

I don’t think his comments are abusive but agree with others he sounds insecure, jealous and potentially controlling

Based on your previous thread he sounds awful!!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/04/2018 21:07

Tbh it sounds though he doesn't like you very much and wants you to go back to a submissive little wifey.
He sounds like a twat and you deserve much better, sorry.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/04/2018 21:11

If it helps, my parents divorce was horrendous, but I learnt from them how NOT to behave during it.

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:13

Staying with him is not a better alternative to your parents bitter divorce though...and if that damaged you enough to not want to leave this toxic relationship, think what that might mean for your kids who are watching.

Be kind to yourself and to him. I'd take measures to protect yourself first though, move your shared money etc somewhere else and other things you might need that he could possibly take. He seems the type who could turn nasty.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/04/2018 21:18

Jesus christ, just read your original thread, PLEASE LEAVE THIS CRUEL EXCUSE FOR A MAN!!! There is nothing to stay for, he has absolutely no love or respect for you, dear god please leave him!

ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 21:43

Ive started saving already so I have cash to tide me over. I have my job and I have excellent friends around me and my lovely mum. I've lurked on here long enough to know the steps, I just never thought I would need to write threads of my own. Nobody ever does really do they?
Thank you for you kind people that have taken time to respond, I feel galvanised that it's ok to say I don't want to be treated like this any more .

OP posts:

Chickenloverwoman · 07/04/2018 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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ObviousNameChanged · 07/04/2018 22:32

No he isn't the same person at all. He's trying to be nice now but it's all fake, he's blown his own cover on that one. I am currently on antidepressants and undergoing counselling. I don't recognise myself, but I also see that he has done this to me. I wish I could gather some of my old strength because I just want to be alone with my lovely little ones.

OP posts:

DancingLedge · 08/04/2018 08:29

Sounds like you are gathering some strength, self confidence and awareness.
Congratulate yourself on that, don't waste your energy on criticising yourself.The thing about a slow process of undermining is, it's very effective. You're not to blame for that.

These things can take time. Sounds like you're definitely on the path to where you want to be.

ObviousNameChanged · 08/04/2018 10:39

Thank you very much for taking time to respond. I can assure you it's very much appreciated

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