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Early red flags when dating someone...

(93 Posts)
GinandShambles Sun 26-Nov-17 18:04:15

I need some help. I recently started dating someone who I really quite like, but there are a couple of things he has told me about his past relationships (about the way he used to act in them) which have me questioning things.

What are the warning signs? I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.

Sorry for the vagueness. I've been forced to Namechange....

corlan Sun 26-Nov-17 18:08:29

There's a famous quote along the lines of 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them.' I think it's good advice.

anxiousnow Sun 26-Nov-17 18:10:27

Plus add a bit to what he told you. How recent are the past relationships? If someone told me they made sone mistakes in late teens i wouldn't be bothered but if they had done it more recently then I would.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 26-Nov-17 18:11:29

There are tonnes of warning signs. I think you’ll need to give some examples for useful responses.

Ragwort Sun 26-Nov-17 18:17:33

I think the fact that you are questionning this so early on in the relationship sounds enough of a red flag.

redexpat Sun 26-Nov-17 19:05:06

I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.
Disproportional according to who? You dont owe him anything. If youre feeling uneasy then thats a pretty good reason to stop seeing someone.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sun 26-Nov-17 19:06:50

Agree with ragwort

What are the things he has described doing OP?

Trills Sun 26-Nov-17 19:08:59

How did this even come up in conversation? In the early stages of dating why on earth would anyone bring up their own past relationships and bad behaviour?

Is he testing your reaction, to see if you think that kind of behaviour is acceptable?

OldBook Sun 26-Nov-17 19:47:57

I think ones I wished I’d known earlier are:

- described all exes as ‘crazy’ ‘having issues’ or ‘controlling’
- irregular contact without cause
- wanting to know too much about your past
- a strong shame reaction

Pinkpillows Sun 26-Nov-17 20:38:24

What do you mean strong shame reaction?

If you've labelled them as red flags OP they most certainly are. Uneasy isn't a place you want to be so tell him to go

spudlike1 Sun 26-Nov-17 20:40:00

What is a: 'strong shame reaction ' pls

OldBook Sun 26-Nov-17 21:50:31

The shame reaction is when someone overreacts to situations where they feel criticised, put down or misunderstood- it makes conversations about behaviour in relationships or feelings really hard further down the track as if someone’s overarching reaction is shame they are more likely to be hostile or angry rather than talk things through like adults

tiptopteepe Sun 26-Nov-17 21:56:34

Worst one i had and ignored was a man right on the first date telling me 'you may have heard some rumours about me getting violent with my ex but i want you to know that i would never do that she just had mental health problems and made these things up to hurt me'

Yes he did go on to beat the crap out of me when drunk.

Sunbeam18 Sun 26-Nov-17 22:20:45

Negative or disrespectful remarks about women, particularly ex partners or family members.
Road rage

Worriedobsessive Sun 26-Nov-17 22:24:22

look at their relationship with their mother. It will speak volumes about how they view women.

Walkingtowork Sun 26-Nov-17 22:28:50

Related to that one, what do people think about looking at the way their father treats/treated their mother? I've been wondering if this is something to watch for too? (based on my stbxdh)

tiptopteepe Sun 26-Nov-17 22:31:31

walkingtowork I think its something to look at and be aware of but not always completely a red flag. Often when men are violent there has been violence from their father to their mother but I dont think that every man who has had a violent father will go on to be violent to women themselves. It is something to take into account though to tally up with any other info. If the bigger picture looks bad then it can be a red flag.

IJoinedJustToPostThis Sun 26-Nov-17 22:31:46

How does he describe/treat his exes? How does he describe/treat his mother?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Sun 26-Nov-17 22:33:39

For me:

Rude or mean to anyone working in the service industry

Is uncomfortable with you having friends of the opposite sex.

Refuses to even offer to buy a round of drinks.

Wants to know where you are all the time.

Questions or shows an early dislike of your friends

Jealousy

Overt expressions of love or expensive gifts early on.

MiniTheMinx Mon 27-Nov-17 09:43:23

I think there are men who feel obliged to self disclose how evolved they have become. They have to find a way of explaining past bad behaviour, and do so in a way that gives the impression they have learned from past 'mistakes' but abuse is not an unintended consequence of a non-evolved man who made mistakes. No one mistakenly abuses others. Self disclosure is nearly always motivated by trying to gain acceptance from others. So you become an alliance, you validate them and their view of themselves. Of course should they repeat their past 'mistakes' they feel justified in blaming you.

TheNaze73 Mon 27-Nov-17 09:59:02

I think the biggest rescue flag at the start of a relationship is the wanting to know where you are constantly. Added to that overtexting, badges up as “just seeing how you are” when the reality is very sinister & controlling.

GinandShambles Fri 08-Dec-17 16:35:53

I apologise. I am still here, but need to be cautious about what I put on here, as he has mentioned accessing Mumsnet.

He mentioned that a one of his ex's said he was emotionally abusive towards her. He described being shocked by the revelation but accepted her feelings as valid and made an effort to change.

Since posting this there has been a huge instance of jealousy when we were out. I can't say much else as this is already rather outing, but it wasn't pretty.

Thank you all for your examples. I have some thinking to do I feel.

Twooter Fri 08-Dec-17 16:37:45

Dump him.

Twooter Fri 08-Dec-17 16:38:53

Imagine feeling stressed anytime you go out incase a man dares to speak to you, or if you dare to smile at a waiter etc

Runlovingmummy81 Fri 08-Dec-17 16:39:04

Sounds to be like his blaming his ex, minimising his actions and taking no responsibility himself. Typical of someone with narcissistic traits and an emotional abuser. I wouldn't wait around to find out if it's true.

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