Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice needed- caught him cheating...(82 Posts)
So, sorry if this is super long. I just want some advice on what to do next really. I'll start from the beginning.
We've been together 9 years, have a 2yo and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. We live together but he has a 3 day on/off work schedule rotating from day to night so we don't always get the best quality time.
Today our car is busted up and my phone was on low battery so I asked him if I could borrow his to call taxi once I finished the grocery shop, he agreed and went to bed (he is on nights tonight). Me and DS left and once I was in the taxi his phone beeped, I had a quick look because I thought it would be his boss confirming his lift to work. Nope, messages from other women.
That is the moment my head goes into crazed pregnancy paranoia and I know it was wrong (please don't judge) I checked his phone. He has been messaging women from explicit sites and has numerous emails and log ins for his messaging apps (kik, Skype etc).
He has been increasing in the amount from what I gather since I told him I was pregnant. He is asleep in our bed, he has no clue that I know. Do I confront him? Do I leave it? I'm panicking because well, I think that I need to be a single mother, I can't have him in my life like that. He can see the kids but this has made me physically sick and now I don't know how to play it.
Sorry in advance for bad grammar etc. I'm crying as I type. Any advice, experiences would be great x
First - take a deep breath.
You've had a massive shock and you don't need to do anything immediately.
Get a friend over, have some support, and have some time.
Do not feel guilty - or accept any shit from him - about looking in his phone. Only a fool wouldn't if they saw messages like that pop up.
Be prepared for all kinds of minimising lies. Someone hacked his email, that sort of shit.
Tell him that you have his phone (don't give it back) and that you want him out of the house whilst you consider your options, and at the same time give him a contact schedule for your 2yo. No explanations needed for the toddler - daddy is working away, he's coming back for the day to take you to xyz, mummy is staying at home / working when you go.
Do you know if he's met up with any of these women?
Not that it makes any difference.
Do you still have the phone?
Check his internet history.
If it's an iphone check his battery usage.
You'll see which apps he uses the most then check those out.
Check his camera roll as well.
Any pics anyone has sent will go to that it it's done via whatsapp.
Check his facebook messenger as well if you can.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Email yourself any evidence you may need.
If your phone is working again now, get screen shots of what you can.
I also found information is my ExP 'notes'
Have a look through his contacts as well and see who he has in there.
I found out all sorts of things about my ex
Messaging all kinds of women, even his friends partners.
You'll be in shock right now.
Sit down, breathe and have a cup of sugary tea.
Once you know a bit more then you can make decisions from there.
No knee jerk reactions right now though.
Send the messages etc to yourself as once you confront him he will minimize and feed you bullshit.
If he were my partner I'd be packing his stuff up and he'd be gone.
Sorry this has happened to you, you must be in bits.
Thanks for the reply, I would get someone around but we've moved a good 2 hours from our friends/family for work so I'm kind of alone in the house.
He can't have had 8 different accounts hacked surely (all ones I have never heard of before). I just found out he is going to meet a girl from "curvy rock chicks UK in need" this Wednesday when he is meant to be coming to the scan. She just confirmed so I guess he will say he has overtime...
I think your instinct that you're going to need to be a single mother is spot on. He's left you with no choice. What a snake. Sorry to worry you but I think you should book for an STI screen as well as if he's given you something it could be a risk to you and your unborn child. You should get very, very angry right now that he's put you and the kids in this position. He's shown who he really is, it's awful that you've only found out now while you already have children with him!
That shock feeling is so horrible when you realise someone you love has taken you for a fool and treated you like shit just to get their rocks off. Tell your closest friends and let them support you through this. Might be an idea to pack a small bag now while he's asleep so you can leave and go to someone's house before you confront him, get a bit of space. The stress isn't good for the baby or you.
Ellisansra had good advice in the first reply. I'd go with that. Good luck.
I called the GUM clinic at lunch and have an appointment tomorrow, there is no where for me to go. I've screen shot everything on his phone on mine. I don't know whether I should look at his iPad.
Thanks ladies. I feel like crap, disgusted with myself for even being in this position.
No, he won't have had anything hacked. I'm just giving you a heads up on the blatantly bullshit excuses some men come out with!
Are you working at the moment? With a move for his work and the age of your youngest, it's a possibility you're not - so get off to stay with family or friends if it helps you. But otherwise, tell him to get out.
You call the shots, and you take all the time you need right now.
You poor thing, what a shock. You really need to bring this to a head A.S.A.P. so you can decide the best way forward.
Leaving it to fester will only add stress to you a baby.......
You need to have the conversation 😞
Yes, you should look on the iPad.
I know you may prefer to not know! But you have to know.
And please - please - save your disgust for him. This is not your doing.
I do work and am still on probation so if I went to family it wouldn't bode well for the job as I couldn't get here tomorrow, I work odd hours at a drama school so weekends, afternoons etc.
I need this job, I really do, it took forever to get back into work and I need the money, especially with no 2 on the way.
I feel like my head is going to explode, im not even sure what I'm feeling other than sick and humiliated
Go easy on yourself, there'll be a whole raft of emotions - just try to quickly get over the ones where you blame anyone but him!
As we've said above, you don't have to do anything immediately. You don't even have to tell him to leave immediately - though I would recommend separate bed / sofa for him whilst you decide what to do. x
And he is downstairs, just as I'm trying to calm down. I've told him I'm just feeling a little bit all over the place because of the pregnancy. He grunted and is making a coffee
I am so sorry. I know you live far away from everyone but could someone come to you? If It was my sister or friend I'd make a 2 hour journey to help them if they were in your position.
Surprised I'm not by him asking if it's okay to miss the scan as he has overtime and there's not one other that can cover that shift. I said it's only an hour tops as I have the dr after but he didn't need to stay. He got angry. I said it's okay if he misses it for work and he said exactly it's for the baby.
This is NOT your humiliation.
It is his - ALL HIS!!!!!
I do know that feeling but it's wasted.
It's not YOU.
You should feel sad, angry, hurt, but not humiliated!
Keep breathing, don't give the game away just yet.
And YES - check the iPad when you can.
He's a cheating, selfish, unsupportive shit.
It's all on him, none of it if your fault in any way.
Congratulations on getting back to work in a dream job; you will find a way to keep it, perhaps confiding in a manager there.
There is no shame on you for this situation; it's all him.
Meanwhile, take extra care of yourself & your babies
Fucking arsehole!!? How you stopped yourself from saying... Oh, fucking "curvy rock chick in need" is for the baby is it??! I don't know.
Kick him the fuck out
What a dick!! You deserved so much more than this utter wanker. I'd not be able to resist keeping quiet and turning up at the meeting place... No doubt it'll be all grovelling and excuses from him... cheating twat! If start making your exit plan whilst he's unaware. Keep your head held high, thus is HIS doing
Hand holding OP. Take your time, work out what you want to do, get finances etc together and look after yourself
If you are on here on your phone put a passlock he doesn't know on it.
And clear browsing history if it's on a laptop on iPad.
I hope you are OK.
What a slimy partner you got there. From this very moment everything you do and what happens is for the benefit of you and DCs not him at all he doesn't come into the picture at all. I wouldn't even bother confronting him wouldn't even give him that just make your plans and leave.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.