Concerned my ex hasn't told me they are moving to a horsebox

[maisonettedweller]

My child has recently come home from their other parent's house, which is a long way away. We have shared care (though they are with me 80% of the time).

My child told me that my ex has bought a horsebox and will live in it when the house they are currently living in is sold (my ex is not the owner). My child is reliable, and I trust their understanding of the situation accurately reflects what my ex told them.

My ex has not mentioned this to me, other than writing they bought a "truck" in the handover diary (containing activities they have done together), which I initially assumed meant a pickup truck, to replace their car, till my child told me about the horsebox.

I emailed asking if they are intending to move, and they are being very evasive and only confirming they intend to move "next year". They have not said anything about it not being a house, and won't give me further details (which they must; that has been made clear to both of us in the past, in fact we each require permission from the other to move our child's home).

I don't inherently object to people living in horseboxes. I think it should be easier for people to live in cheaper and lower-impact ways like that. But I do have concerns about how my ex will consistently meet my child's needs in that situation. E.g. reliable water, light, heat, communication, a secure address (not being moved on) etc. Especially when they are not from a travelling background, so have no experience living that way, and presumably no contacts in the relevant community.

These concerns are not being answered because they won't even tell me they are intending to live in this horsebox, let alone discuss details like that with me.

I know this post is a bit vague in places, but I have to minimise the amount of information I give.

[QueenJane]

It really depends on the horse box! I’ve seen plenty I’d be happy to live in. Just like a caravan or mobile home. Some of the posher ones are nicer than my house!

[LovingLola]

Right...

[43percentburnt]

You say it has been made clear in the past that permission is needed to move the child’s home. Was this by the courts?

[Floralnomad]

If they have to get permission then surely the obvious thing is to go back to court to sort out what is happening . As pp said some horse boxes are lovely , although unless they have a horse I would have thought a motor home or caravan would be cheaper , which would make me suspect that it’s a horsebox that requires conversion to living as opposed to one already set up for it .

[ButchyRestingFace]

I've never heard of anyone living in a horse box. Frantic googling in the last 2 minutes reveals some really quite luxurious numbers.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Really depends on the box. Some are literally an empty shell for a horse to stand in. Others are fully kitted out for proper camping like an RV or caravan. Or maybe they have bought a horse lorry that has been converted for living in.

[exWifebeginsat40]

i lived in a horsebox for a bit. if you prop the ramp up with a couple of sawn-off telegraph poles you have a fancy patio area.

but oh this must be stressful for you and you should definitely say all your concerns out loud to your ex.

[maisonettedweller]

Yes I agree it depends on the horsebox. But my ex hasn't even told me they are planning to do this. Let alone given me more details on what it is like. Thus I am concerned.

I won't even know my child's location since it is by nature not a permanent address. Or that they won't be awakened in the middle of the night by the police telling them to get out of wherever they are parked.

43percent yes, but please don't ask for too many extra details, for the same reason.

[exWifebeginsat40]

wait i should clarify that it was an Iveco driveable one (technically. actually, it was fucked and it never moved an inch) and not one of the little towing ones.

because that WOULD be weird.

[OldWitch00]

at some point I hope you will find out more about the "horsebox" which could be a proper mobile home camper suitable for all seasons. financially it could be an excellent temporary move. some spots offer permanent parking for a small monthly fee. you need for info.

[Itscosyt0night]

I understand that you are concerned, but I don't think you have any say. The same no say if someone is moved a long distance distance or abroad. If they have aa mobile phone or Internet I'm sure they will be contactable even if they move move around alot.

[maisonettedweller]

I do legally have a say itscosy. As I would if they intended to move a long distance or abroad.

I'm not asking for advice on what to do (I have already taken some action to hopefully help me find out more), just if I am being unreasonable to be concerned given my ex has not told me this (and still won't discuss it) and I've had to find this out from my (relatively young) child.

My child has told me it has a sleeping area over the cab for my ex, and my ex will install a shower and a bedroom for my child at the back. I.e. it isn't currently habitable as a permanent home. My ex is not a joiner/plumber/electrician or anything relevant.

[minisoksmakehardwork]

Are you 100% certain your dc hasn’t been fed misinformation?

I don’t know the background to know whether this would work but couldn’t you text ex to ask “minimasionette thinks you’re moving into a horse box, is this right?” Either your ex continues to be evasive, in which case speak to your solicitor if there have been residence issues which went to court, he confirms he is moving permanently into a horse box so you take the same action as before, or he says “minimasionette has it a bit wrong, I’m going to borrow one temporarily/was joking/am moving onto a barge.

I don’t get the angst about not just asking the questions directly.

[C8H10N4O2]

Welcome to mumsnet.

Do they have a picture of the horsebox so that you can see what it really is?

[Notanumberuser]

I’ve seen some horse lorries way posher than my house.

Your ex can get someone to do the conversion. It’s just a caravan really.

[maisonettedweller]

minisoks my ex is not above misinforming our child, but not by actually telling them hard facts they are expecting to happen that won't. They have seen photos of it, and are excited that my ex is going to decorate it the way they suggested etc. My ex wouldn't lie to them in that way.

Well I am being called abusive by my ex (which is a rebound accusation, not them believing it) for even asking for more information about the property they intend to move to, and therefore the implication that my ex is incapable of providing for our child without my input. So I'd prefer the mention of the horsebox came from them rather than me, on their terms (which apparently is none at all right now).

[maisonettedweller]

Caffeine they haven't even told me they are intending to live in one yet, and are refusing to give me any details on the move other than it will be in 2018, so I doubt a photo will be suddenly forthcoming.

[OhShit2017]

I have lots of traveller friends, and I spent a while living in a horse box with my ex. It was fine, and I was happy for my dc to go and stay with him in it after we split. It had a good wood burner and was never cold. I’m guessing he will find a ‘park up’ for it, plenty of farmers are happy for travellers to stay on their land for a modest rent. I can see the idea would be a bit weird if you have no experience of that way of life, and I’d want some more info, but I wouldn’t worry too much. I know of dozens of kids who have been raised in vehicles and have turned out just fine.

[maisonettedweller]

People saying "horseboxes can be really nice" are somewhat missing the point. I know they can be, but I know nothing about this particular one, and where my ex is intending to park it securely. And they won't tell me.

In order to exercise my parental responsibility I am supposed to know (and agree) where my child lives when they are not with me, and be sure that accommodation meets their needs. It's like if my ex moved to a derelict house and I wanted to know what state it would be in before my child stayed there. Though at least a house can't get told to move, as it can't be parked illegally.

It's the lack of communication I am concerned about, because it implies my ex is either unwilling to co-parent, or hasn't thought through this plan sufficiently and knows they won't be able to reassure me adequately (I think it's both, judging by past experience).

[Ploppie4]

It’s clearly just an idea at the moment. A dreamt up plan. Who knows if it will happen in reality. It’s a year or two away. Stop stressing

[maisonettedweller]

It's not an idea when my ex has already bought the thing. And the person who owns the house they are living in is selling it. So they are definitely moving (some time next year, which for all I have been told could be as little as two months away), and they have definitely bought a horsebox, and they have told my child they are intending to live in it (not go on holiday in it).

[OldWitch00]

is the trailer on the site of the current rental home? do a drive by and check it out? when does your son see his dad next? could he take photo's with his phone?

[maisonettedweller]

I don't know if it's parked there, but the current home is many miles away from me and even if I could drive by (I can't), seeing it from the outside in its current state still doesn't answer my questions about when/how they will be living in it.

My child sees their other parent in a few weeks. My child does not have a phone.

[MrLovebucket]

Oh there's some lovely horseboxes out there, fair put my house to shame

Nicer than a maisonette in some cases.

[maisonettedweller]

Yes MrLb, that isn't my issue. Though I doubt it will be nicer than my maisonette specifically.

The thread is not entitled "AIBU to be concerned my ex is moving to a horsebox". I am fine with that way of living in theory, I even suggested something along those lines myself when we were together. I don't think it will inherently damage children or whatever.

The thread is entitled "AIBU to be concerned my ex hasn't told me they are moving to a horsebox". Because it's a) against what they were explicitly told in court, to get my agreement before changing our child's place of residence and b) makes me suspect they don't have a coherent plan and therefore answers to my concerns.