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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU about feeling my partners ex suggestions are weird

93 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 09:52

I've been seeing my partner for a few months, we have some lovely times together and we've booked a holiday. We see each other over most weekends and he's very loving and attentive though we've not said the L word. I'm really struggling with his relationship with his ex though. He was with her for a couple of years and she finished with him because she had fantasies about someone else and said she no longer fancied him. Not very nice. They'd been split up about a year when we met. Now they've stayed friends which I'm fine with as I'm still friends with my ex - BUT he sees her about twice a week , they do cosy stuff together like cook meals. I can just about wear that but she keeps suggesting we all go out together on dates. Is it me or is that just weird and not on? I'd feel really uncomfortable with her being there. I think I'd feel if I touched him that I was making a point etc. I think my partner thinks I am being a bit unreasonable and I do think they are just friends. But I also think for her it's almost business as usual minus the sex if that makes sense. I'm not a jealous person but this is doing my head in and making me want to take a massive step back from him. I also question her motives. I wouldn't dream of behaving like that with my ex. I think she has the potential to wreck any future relationships he may have. I can't talk to my friends about this so any comments would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

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StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2017 09:54

I think it's up to them how friendly and involved in each others' lives they continue to be, and it's up to you how much you like it. You've been together a few months and you've discovered something you find awkward and difficult. I'd back away now tbh.

heyheymymy · 07/08/2017 11:01

Totally agree with polar bear I'd get out now, it won't get better and I'd never trust there wasn't something else going on either. Sounds like she's kept him on the hook tbh.

AdelicaArundel · 07/08/2017 11:13

He sees her twice a week. They do cosy stuff together. Does he do that with his male friends? I would guess not.
She keeps suggesting that you all go out on dates? Is she hoping that the sight of her with another man will encourage your BF to be jealous and fight for her?

Nope, something weird with that dynamic.
Men can be friends with who they like, but sounds like the boundaries are a bit weak here.
Serious chat needed.

NutellaLawson · 07/08/2017 11:24

They are friends. Nothing wrong or inappropriate about that.

But you feel as you feel and should mention it to him. Your relationship is in its infancy and the cosy relationship with his ex bothers you. It will likely bother the next new girlfriend if you walk away from this.

If his ex truly cares about him (as a friend) she would have the grace to step back from him for now to let him nurture this new relationship (with you) before adding in complexities like exes.

Maybe, once you're more established and comfortable as a couple she can be a friend but can't expect it either. She needs to let him go and acknowledge that their history together permanently removed her from being 'just a friend and her presence can jeopardise his future relationships.

NutellaLawson · 07/08/2017 11:28

Going out together might seem like a nice idea to her but neither she nor your boyfriend can insist you be her friend too. She'd be a third wheel. It would annoy me to have even any old friend or a brother/sister want to hang out twice a week when i want to spend time with my boyfriend. Early relationships need nurturing.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/08/2017 11:30

She's probably keeping him lukewarm in the event she wants him back.
Either way, I'd tell your partner why this makes you feel uncomfortable and leave it there. You can't police his relationships but you can save yourself from potential heartbreak.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 11:31

Sorry I maybe didn't make it clear - she doesn't have a partner at the minute. The guy she had the fantasies about dumped her

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2017 11:34

No way!
How would he feel about you doing cosy stuff with your ex twice a week?
Ask him that!
It's weird and certainly not something I would put up with.
But we all have different boundaries.
If yours accept this kind of thing then that's fine.
But it doesn't sound like it to me.
Run - far and fast.

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Fairenuff · 07/08/2017 11:38

Firstly, how can you call him your partner if neither of you have said you love each other? You're still in the dating stage.

Secondly, you're so early into this relationship and something already doesn't feel right. You shouldn't feel that you have to accept anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just end it and tell him why. If he wants to make changes, he will. Otherwise move on.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 11:39

So it would just be me , him and her on the date!

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changemyname1 · 07/08/2017 11:42

I personally would tell him you find that weird, could potentially cost them both future relationship then walk away. I know that you can be friends with whomever you like but this seems a step to far.

temporarilyjerry · 07/08/2017 11:45

Why don't you suggest bringing your ex along? Wonder how he'd react to that.

ovenchips · 07/08/2017 11:48

I think StealthPolarBear has nailed it.

It's up to your boyfriend if he wants to continue a friendship with ex. It's up to you how you feel about it and your boyfriend has to accept that you may feel uncomfortable about it. If you don't like it - then you don't like it and you are allowed to let him know your feelings.

It depends on how much of a dealbreaker it is for both of you. If you tell him you don't like it and you need him to change his behaviour on this he then has a choice - doing what he does now or losing you.

My opinion (not that it matters) is that I probably wouldn't like it either and would need to know my boyfriend accepted it was problematic for me and want to resolve it. But don't focus on ex and what and why she is/ isn't up to - that is not your concern. It's your boyfriend's behaviour that matters.

BloodWorries · 07/08/2017 11:50

A double date would be one thing, and would give you an inclination into what was going on, allowing you (IMO) to decide what to do next.

A date with you, your BF and her??? Seriously? That's weird. Did she actually call it a date?
If you really like and/or are invested in this guy ask him his opinion, who knows it might go really well and you end up BFFs. Or you might find out she's after a threesome and can run for the hills. Either way you will know.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 11:54

Don't think shes after a threesome - she dumped him cos she didn't fancy him anymore

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TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 11:57

Why do you think cooking for each other is 'cosy'?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 07/08/2017 11:59

Back away. She wants him back and he will go back.

You are only a few months in, he should be besotted and want to spend all his spare time with you, not an ex.

exWifebeginsat40 · 07/08/2017 12:01

they are definitely chatting you up for a threesome. tell them you don't want to be part of their sex festival. ugh.

MissBax · 07/08/2017 12:09

Hell no, why does she want to be a 3rd wheel on your dates?? Very very strange and I wouldn't tryst her. I am friends with my ex but he'd never dream of imposing himself on me and DH, nor would I do the same to him and his gf. Very odd.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/08/2017 12:10

Hmm. Well, imho, they may have broken up on paper, but operationally they are still very much together.
Do you have trouble saying "no"? You tolerate a little, then it is easy to tolerate a bit more, then expected to tolerate the next step...then you suddenly feel unreasonable to say "no" from their manipulation.
Trust your gut- your gut is saying it is time to say "no" and move on.
Perhaps they are grooming you for a threesome. Can you say "no" to that?

I don't think the ex would be the third wheel; you will be the third wheel.

rightwhine · 07/08/2017 12:15

Just say no and then decide from his reaction whether you want to continue the relationship or not.

Batteriesallgone · 07/08/2017 12:16

Well. This is weird.

Of course he has the right to be friends with her but I wouldn't tolerate this! Friends in a group situation = fine, but lots of alone time together? Nah. I wouldn't be fine with that.

Sounds like he's waiting for her to get the extracurricular sex out of her system before swooping in there and marrying her once she's ready to settle, tbh. You are just to mark time. That's what I would be suspicious of anyway.

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user1499786242 · 07/08/2017 12:17

Weird weird weird
I must be an incredibly jealous and insecure person because I couldn't cope with my partner having any contact with his ex at all (
(luckily that's not an issue)
Let alone doing cosy stuff twice a week
So fair play for dealing with it so far!
For me it would be a deal breaker but if you have coped so far then just explain the 'date' thing is just too far! If he cares enough about you he will tell her no...

llangennith · 07/08/2017 12:33

She doesn't want her ex but wants to feel that she could have him back any time she wants. Leave them to it OP

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 13:00

I honestly don't think a threesome is on the cards. I think he cannot see the bad in anyone- I think he is more naive than anything else.

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