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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My fiance invites his family to everything

80 replies

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 12:44

Hi just wanted to moan and also ask if i have a right to put my foot down/be unhappy about this? I love my fiances family and enjoy spending time with them.

After we got together his sister started dating one of his friends so now whenever we meet up with his friends she is there which is fine as they are a couple (they met as my fiance invited her out with him), both of them like to include their parents in everything also their parents invite themselves to things.

Some examples of this include my fiances friends 30th birthday meal (no other parents were going) , a camping weekend (where i would have felt like i'd tagged along on a family holiday as his sister was already coming rather than it being my idea), a holiday abroad which was my children's first holiday with us as a family and most recently drinks at our house which is for friends and i want to get to know them better, this is what has brought me here.

my children are away so wanted to let my hair down (his sister will be coming as she is part of the group of friends and that is accepted obviously and i have no problem with that). We discussed inviting his parents before hand but as mine are away with my children decided not too so we could have time with friends, they have now invited themselves and rather than him say no its just our friends he says yeah we were going to invite you anyway!

We see his family regularly and as i mentioned i really like spending time with them but would like time with just friends occasionally. If it was a special occasion with other family then i wouldnt mind them coming but it isnt its just a gathering of friends coming for drinks.

Am i wrong to feel like this? how do i go about stopping it happening? Im not sure why i have a problem with it so any insight is great. is it because i feel like an outsider tagging along with his family?

Thanks

OP posts:

Report

HallowedMimic · 30/05/2017 12:48

I think your outlook is a bit odd.

Certainly in our family, parents, siblings, cousins etc. are invited before friends.

We are second generation Irish.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 30/05/2017 12:50

Yanbu. Of course you want to spend some social time without his parents there. The only way you can stop it is to talk to him about it and see what he says. There are no other options.

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2017 12:54

This is an insight as to how your marraige will be. If you and your fiance aren't on the same page then this will.be a constant issue.

You need to tackle it now, before it gets that far.

Mrswinkler · 30/05/2017 12:55

I don't mix family and friends. I go to my sisters sometimes where she has family and friends and that's ok but I didn't even invite my family to my 40th birthday party. It was for friends. I wouldn't let my hair down in front of family.

Hard not to invite his sister if she is part of your social group but just put your foot down and say no parents.

Cel982 · 30/05/2017 12:55

YANBU at all, OP (and I'm first generation Irish, if it's relevant, Mimic...). It's perfectly normal to want time to socialise with just your peers, which your PILs are not, however lovely they might be. You need to talk to your OH about it so he can gently rebuff them when they invite themselves to things.

rollonthesummer · 30/05/2017 12:57

That's is weird and annoying.

I love my parent and we see them loads, but not with friends! They know my friends and have met them at weddings and the odd social gathering, but that would be odd. My parents wouldn't want to come anyway!

KinkyAfro · 30/05/2017 13:01

I'd be annoyed too, for a big celebration yes but for casual meet ups with friends then no. It would totally change the dynamic for me and I'd feel on edge watching how to behave

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 13:03

hallowedmimic, how is my outlook odd? We do lots of family gatherings and sometime mixed gatherings too but occasionally i would like it just to be friends, i cant relax with family and friends in a drinking environment.

his parents are going on holiday his sister and their friends too which i find odd but each to their own. They booked the same place after them...

Ive accepted his sister comes to everything even though its not ideal i do like her and would never insinuate there is any kind of problem there.

OP posts:

MycatsaPirate · 30/05/2017 13:05

God that would annoy me no end! Do the IL's not have a life at all? Sounds like they live through their dc.

You say you are engaged. You do realise his parents will invite themselves to the honeymoon don't you?

Bonez · 30/05/2017 13:08

You're not wrong to feel like that. I love get-togethers with my parents/the in-laws but there's a time and a place!

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 13:13

i dont think he realises its not normal. luckily the wedding and honeymoon is booked and they arent coming on honeymoon

its hard enough that his sister is always there. shes alot younger too but ive accepted it.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 30/05/2017 13:22

I think that's odd! I think the second you have children, they will be coming to every holiday and day out you ever go on.

I would be having some serious chats with your partner before you get married to make your 'non -negotiables' clear!

noova61 · 30/05/2017 13:22

My exMIL was like this..I felt stifled...the day after our wedding she actually rang the hotel where we staying before our honeymoon to ask if her son was going to come and see them for breakfast before leaving with me....I wasnt invited!! They always wanted to know what we were doing and when, who was going to be there etc......gently but firmly put a stop to it now.

Oldraver · 30/05/2017 13:35

It must be awkward for your friends as well...going to what they think is a gathering of friends then the parents rock up.

You could sell it to your DF that it could be awkward

weatherbomb · 30/05/2017 13:41

My exh was like this. we'd book a holiday and all of a sudden his parents were coming along too - I was not happy at all. They cancelled in the end as his dad wouldn't fly with BA They would arrive at our house for a visit with all their adult kids and their partners in row - we didn't live far away. It was exasperating with him bowing to his parents opinion on everything and expecting me to do the same. As you see, he's an ex! Seriously though this is something you need to sort out before your wedding. They'll be taking over with the new baby , telling you how to parent etc. It can be a real problem.

weatherbomb · 30/05/2017 13:42

I should mention that they had 6 adult kids with their partners (without checking!) do that was 14 adults plus us - just a nightmare.

WipsGlitter · 30/05/2017 13:47

Bil used to do this with FiL. It was weird. He'd be the only "adult". Someone always had to babysit him and he was v v boring and hard to talk to.

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 13:51

shes already put the feelers out for if we go to disney once we have a baby she wants to come. im going to have to start getting tough arent i as i dont think i can rely on my fiance to completely put his foot down. i hate confrontation too. I dont want to be made out to be the bad one, i know he would just say he is not bothered but we need to be on the same page. i wouldnt mind holidaying with his family as an additional holiday but at the moment its not financially possible.

holidays bother me alot as every holiday i took my children on prior to this relationship my ex inlaws were there as we visited their holiday home and couldnt afford anything else so i want to make the most out of holidays with just us.

OP posts:

aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 13:54

wipsglitter i know what you mean, if his parents were the life and soul of the party i wouldnt mind but theyre not.

Another thing im not keen on is with his sister being there all the time his parents are filled in on everything...

OP posts:

weatherbomb · 30/05/2017 14:14

It meabs you just have no privacy. I am very much a person who wants to spend time with my children as a family without the extended family always being there. I've occasionally brought my mum away with us which was easy as she's happy to do her own thing. It's really nice to just go away and suit yourselves - isn't that what a holiday is for? Time for a few ground rules, how about if you have a holiday it's just you, do & DC?

Theresnonamesleft · 30/05/2017 14:16

They need to get their own lives and stop inviting themselves along to other people's parties and holidays. I mean come on who in their right minds would think booking a holiday in he same location is on.
Op nip this now. Otherwise they will be on your honeymoon. Nothing stopping them booking where your going.

WingsofNylon · 30/05/2017 14:17

What do your friends think of it? If my friends parents were always at events I'd be a bit perplexed and certaily wouldn't be able to relax in the same way.

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aibu1234 · 30/05/2017 14:34

i dont know what they think, they are his friends who will be coming so dont feel i can ask them. My friends who i would normally invite are on holiday and others already busy that day. The more i think about it the more annoyed i'm getting. i shouldnt have to tell him i dont want his parents there.

Im pretty sure before i came along his parents didnt go to everything he did so not sure whats changed.

When im at their house they all tell stories together (that ive heard 1000 times) its like they are marking their territory (in a strange way)

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/05/2017 14:51

I think you need to tackle this before you get married. I think if his sister is dating one of his friends then she is obviously going to be at stuff with him unless it's all blokes. Make it clear that part of being an adult is not going everywhere with your parents though and that you don't want them inviting themselves to all your holidays and social events. Have the talk now because unless he agrees to stop inviting them and telling them your plans, and can say no if they invite themselves it will tarnish the relationship.

user1488270932 · 30/05/2017 14:52

My dp did this a while back. Announced to me that he was booking a holiday to Disney Florida for us and ds and that he was bringing his folks. (Who are elderly)
I told him I hoped he had a lovely time!

not even a discussion with me first
elderly parents who are not used to the heat and a then nearly 2 year old wouldn't enjoy it. Ds too young to remember anyway and not old enough to really enjoy everything
I won't even holiday with my own folks never mind any one else's, as lovely as they are. To this he reckoned I had issues
He just is babied by them and his sister. Drives me bonkers.

Have no problem with a couple days away somewhere but def not a full holiday.no way.

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