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My DH is tearing my heart apart

(99 Posts)
Oldwiseone Tue 16-May-17 00:09:13

Hi and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I have been with my DH for 24 years, married for 18 years. We have 7 children together and one who died as a baby.

He was 21 when we met and very childish. He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.

When I look back to our early years I wonder why the heck I stayed with him. I guess I was young and in love. But he would do strange things, like make me get out his car and wait for him when he would go into different places. Like a fool I used to do it.

When we would be out he would stare at other women saying 'you should try and look like her'. I mean, WTF?! If anyone treated my kids that way I would tell them to find someone who respected them for who they were.

We had our first child together before we married. He was still living at home and would never stay a full night with me and his son. He always said 'my mum will miss me'. 🙄 It got to the point that I ended our relationship. It was going nowhere. He would spend his days at work, his evenings with us and then go 'home' and leave me todo all the night feeds. I wanted real commitment for both myself and our son.

He came and stuck a note through my door saying 'marry me'. I said yes. We got married 12 months later and that was the first night he spent with us.

Fast forward to present day. We have a houseful of kids. None of us see him family, only him. My kids do not know any of them. Why? Because those childish stories he would tell never stopped. He runs and tells them EVERYTHING. Actually, he out and out lies. He uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something. I won't let him. I control him. I make his life a misery. And they are like 'oh my poor darling'. He visits them and comes back running them down. It's like he needs everyone's pity.

He gets all his mail sent to his mums house. Always has. When I say how strange that is he says 'I will change that one day'. I have no idea how much he earns, who he banks with, any debts he has. It's all secret. Only his 'family' know that.

He not only lies about me, he lies to me. Stupid stuff. But he will look me in the eye and say 'I swear on your life, I swear on the kids lives, that I am telling the truth' and he isn't.

I caught him out in a stupid lie a couple years ago. His sister invited him round. He didn't want to go. So he lied to her saying I wouldn't let him. He didn't know that I knew she had contacted him and he swore blind he hadn't heard from her. He swore on my life. Told me I had trust issues. When I then said 'I actually heard your conversation. I know you are lying' he told me I was out of order hearing him and making it seem like I hadnt so he would look bad by lying.

He ended up walking out on me and the kids for 3 months. He made no effort to see me or to try and work things out. I felt abandoned.

He saw the kids for 5 hours a week (on a Sunday) and other than that had no contact. I was left trying to keep our crazy busy house together (our youngest was 4 months old) and comfort our confused children.

We eventually talked. He said sorry. Begged to come back. Said he would never lie to me again.

He did. Lots.

So now things are just like before. His lies. His secrets. His family being told lies about me. Him saying 'if you ever talk to my Mum that will be us over'.

Then a few hours after saying that he says 'why are you in a mood? You are mad'.

I am scared at the thought of doing it alone. I saw first hand how broken my kids were. And they matter most. But I also dread every day. Knowing he will go out of his way to piss me off.

We are sleeping separate. He sleeps with earplugs in so if any kids wake in the night he can't see or hear.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Ignore his lies and secrets for the kids?

He laughs and says how nobody else would want me with all the kids. But that he can have a single life if he left. He will walk around smirking singing 'nobody would have you. You are stuck with me or nobody' over and over.

Just after a bit of comfort and someone to vent to.

AnyFucker Tue 16-May-17 00:16:37

I can't comfort you. All I can think about reading your post is what a waste of your life. There are men out there that would never dream of acting like this pillock. All the years you have stayed with him have prevented you from experiencing life with a better man.

You are not staying with him for the children. You are staying with him for you. Please do not hide behind them. My mother did this. She convinced herself that staying with an abusive man was better for her children. She was very wrong.

So words of comfort from me. There is nothing about this situation that can make it ok.

comoneileen Tue 16-May-17 00:17:33

Sorry you are going through that. He is totally taking you for granted. I recognise a very familiar pattern of emotional abuse. With him gone you would have peace of mind.

anon1987 Tue 16-May-17 00:22:40

I'm sorry op that he's such a dick and I'm sorry you had to go through losing your baby flowers

Iv been with my dp since we're 14, we're nearly 30 so it's been over half our lives. We also were living separately when my first came along and he was rather a mummy's boy.
I remember our dd first Xmas and his mum was on the phone "you've got to come home your little brother is upset you're not here"
The Xmas before that I was pregnant and due to give birth Xmas eve, his parents booked a trip abroad over Xmas to get him way from me. Luckily for me I went into labour just as he was traveling home, so he got to be there.

We have 3 kids now, and we've have a few 1-2 week splits after rows.
It's not easy being with someone when you're young and unsettled in life.

It does sound like he has some sort of mental health condition to be honest, he sounds very unhinged and immature.

As for his comment about nobody wanting you..who on earth would want a man who abandoned his 7 children????

You've been the strong one, he hasn't. He sounds like a little boy with a lot of issues and you've kept going through it all as a strong women!

You should be proud. Don't listen to him! If he got together with someone else he'd only treat them like crap as well.
He sounds like the most insecure man ever!.

How is he for financially supporting everyone?

LouiseTM Tue 16-May-17 00:26:26

Thats a really awful way to live your life, it seems to be that you kind of are doing it on your own already though. I think its time to LTB and be happy. Best of luck OP

Oldwiseone Tue 16-May-17 00:35:04

Thank you all for reading and replying.

He supports us all financially. And when we argue that is all he can say in his favour. 'I pay the bills' or 'I buy the kids Christmas presents'.

Someone give the man a gold star.

I worry doing it alone. I think 'what if' so much.

What if one of the kids gets ill and needs to go to the Drs late at night?
What if I get ill?
What if I can't cope financially without him?

I also imagine the younger kids. Seeing him once a week and getting treated to nice things and then thinking 'dad is great. Dad does nice stuff with us. Mum makes us do our homework' and things like that.

I don't want to grow old alone. But I don't want to grow old with someone who doesn't appreciate me either.

MadamePomfrey Tue 16-May-17 00:36:04

I can't advise you what do to! I can tell you as a child of a unhappy marriage we know we know everything! It seems normal to us (it's all we have truly known). However it isn't normal it isn't right and it is so harmful going forward trying to create healthy relationships! It's up to you what you want to do to but don't stay for the children! In the short term it will hurt! In the long term they will see what a healthy relationship iS and isn't!! I can't speak for others but hand on heart, I wish my parents split way earlier!

VimFuego101 Tue 16-May-17 00:40:43

Another poster hit the nail on the head when they said it was a waste of a life. Do you ever feel loved, contented, treasured by him?

Notonetodance Tue 16-May-17 00:42:53

I find it hard to believe that you have managed to remain contained and composed enough not to have done away with him in his sleep. With those ear plugs in he would never have heard you coming......grin

chipmonkey Tue 16-May-17 00:57:19

Jesus wept. My answer to "You have me or you have nobody" would be "I'll choose nobody, then".
He has totally ground you down. He sounds like an absolute nightmare to live with.
You need to make a plan to live without him.
My dh died last year, which is not the same thing, of course, but it has left me a lone parent for the first time in my life. It has been horrendous but we are coping. I have lovely neighbours who would come over in a crisis and mind the kids. I would never ask them unless I absolutely had to but they are there. You would probably find that some of your kids' friends' Mums would do the same.
Your sons are better not to have him around as a role model and if you have daughters, they need to see that women do not have to put up with this behaviour. You wouldn't want the same for them, would you?

Notmyrealname85 Tue 16-May-17 01:00:31

I've never felt so alone as when in an unhappy relationship.

Honestly it seems the relationship has been a waste and toxic - he is not worth one more millisecond of your time. No more.

How will he treat you as you both age? He won't be there for you in old age. At best he might use you for his benefit though. That's not companionship it's a con.

You have seven (!) children - I'm jealous!! That's more than enough to keep you busy - too busy! - in future. What a great life you can have with them. Do what is best for them now and focus on them and you. They need a strong mother, not one browbeaten by a feckless father. Be that figurehead for them and your life without the husband will be 100% improved. Take back control.

Oswin Tue 16-May-17 01:01:41

Oh your post is so sad. You can do it. You can survive without this nasty fucker. Please start planning.

innagazing Tue 16-May-17 01:02:58

Your life with him sounds torturous. I can't think why you think being without him would be worse than this? (I'm a single parent too btw).
Free yourself of him and start making a happy life for yourself and the children. You will be ok, even though the prospect of it is scary.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Tue 16-May-17 01:08:31

AnyFucker'said what I thought as soon as I read it. You have wasted so much of your life with this Bastard please don't waste anymore. Your DC are unhappy too and you all need to get away from him. You owe it to them as well as yourself.I'd tell his family what's gone on. They might believe you and they might not but if they do he's left with nobody and if they don't then it won't matter to you.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 16-May-17 01:12:12

No man is a much better proposition than this man. You aren't going to grow old alone, you will have your kids around you. He sounds so awful. Please don't carry on living with someone who has this much contempt for you. It must be soul destroying. sad

CheeseandGherkins Tue 16-May-17 01:17:51

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, that must blur things for you in your decision making now. Forgive me if that isn't the case.

Please do not waste any more of your precious life with this man. All those what ifs, well, they aren't good reasons to live with someone who abuses you.

I remember my exh telling me that no one else would want me. It grinds you down and the constant chipping away at your self worth. He was physically and emotionally abusive. For years. I met him young, and looking back, I had no self worth then either.

I did leave him. I finally did that when I had 3 children with him and a disagreement culminated in him trying to strangle me one night. Sadly my children did hear and see things, years on my eldest daughter is no contact with him and has been since then (she's now 15). There was a court case and police involvement.

I moved on from that and met my husband, he loves my children like his own and they have a brilliant relationship. It is possible, that's what I'm trying to say. When I left my ex, everything was easier, I thought it would be so hard but it wasn't. I felt free and amazing. A huge weight lifted from me and I was no longer anxious and worried.

Sorry for the essay, but please do not stay if you're not happy. Show your children what they shouldn't accept in a relationship, that's what you want for them. If they see you putting up with abuse then they see that as normal.

Cessj Tue 16-May-17 01:24:29

Please. For your sake and your children's sake. Get rid of this obnoxious manipulative, immature person from your life.

Being a single parent is hard, I know, been there, worn the tee-shirt etc, but I'd far rather be a lone parent than be with someone like your DH .

He is toxic, a very poor role model for your children, and doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart.

There is a lot of support for single parents out there - start exploring the possibilities on offer, talk to a family law/divorce solicitor, and get some counselling to build your self esteem. And get the hell out of this sham of a marriage.

As for his threats that no-body would want you, flip it..nobody in ter right minds would take him on either.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Tue 16-May-17 01:32:04

I can't help but think that nobody would be better. It doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities.

Is it really worth living with him day in day out, just in case you need to take a child to the doctor late at night? He will still need to provide financial support for the children if you leave him.

The younger children might like having a "fun dad" at the weekends. But when they are older they will soon realise how useless he is.

You deserve so much better than this flowers

Italiangreyhound Tue 16-May-17 01:33:21

OP he is emotionally abusing you. Please speak to Women's Aid.

Make your plans for a life where you are in control. He does not sound like a nice person to be around.

Make good friends and neighbours, be a good friend and neighbour. If your child is ill in the night you call their father and get him to help, or you turn to your good friends or neighbours, or if necessary you take your kids to the hospital with you. Is his a realistic fear that has happened before or are you just worrying.

How long before your oldest child would be 15 or so and could be left in charge of the children for a short time?

Please do not waste your life with this waste of space man simply because you fear those very extreme situations when things go wrong.

Find your own way ahead, you must learn to depend on yourself more. You will maybe need some support and advice to build you.

Maybe some assertiveness training, maybe woman's aid can help.

You must be about 45, you know that is young to me (I am 52). I am not beating men away with a stick but I might still get a bit of interest. One day you may well meet someone new, but for now you can focus on yourself and getting your life back on track.

Can you remember what it was you wanted to be and do before you met this man? Find your own way ahead.

LauderSyme Tue 16-May-17 01:34:00

He's an absolute cunt. He's a nasty, shitty, impoverished excuse of a human being. He's a horrible, disrespectful, abusive, controlling asswipe. He's treating you so badly, it's tragic.

Please leave him and free yourself from this nightmare bullshit. His unkindness and poisonous fucked-up-ness by far outweighs any positive contribution he might make.

You can manage your family and run your household without him. You have practically been doing it for years already. You can do it better without him, without his selfish toxicity corroding your soul. You can all do better without him. You can do so much better, dear OP.

And why can he only have the kids for five hours on a Sunday? He should take much more responsibility for them than that.

e1y1 Tue 16-May-17 01:43:14

First, I'm so sorry about the loss of one of your children flowers.

Second, you NEED to do something about this. Not to be morbid, but one day you will be gone - just think when you're old and coming to the end, would you like your life now to be your memories?

It's admirable that you want to stay together for the kids, but this "man" is no father figure, and do you want your kids to have this life when they're older and accept it because it's how Mum and Dad were?

I hope for your and your children's' sakes, you see all that is wrong and LIVE your life, at the moment you're existing, not living.

barrygetamoveonplease Tue 16-May-17 01:43:38

You are managing your children without much support from him, already. He will still have to support you financially. Get advice, make plans, and go. Or get him to leave. He can go back to live with his mummy.

debbs77 Tue 16-May-17 01:44:44

He sounds awful! I don't know your financial situation but look into what tax credits, housing benefit you could get. I think you'll be surprised. For seven children it would be a lot.

I am a single mum of six and it is easily doable!

intergalacticbrexitdisco Tue 16-May-17 02:04:34

You are about 45 years old. You could be a long time still here, you know. Rather find someone new at 70 than stay with this fool. You know you can't look at him and have any respect for him.

Pallisers Tue 16-May-17 02:14:10

another one who is thinking what a waste of a life ... thus far.

Why on earth did you have seven children?

Why on earth did you continue the relationship when

He was 21 when we met and very childish.He would run telling tales to his parents on a daily basis. Always making himself sound like a poor victim.

That was the moment you should have moved on.

Not stayed around to be treated like shit and not have had seven children with this poor excuse.

It isn't too late for you to have a lovely independent life. But you will need a shit-load of individual therapy to get yourself out of this. Because most people at the 21, stupid, childish, married to parents bit would have run for the hills - not stuck around and have had seven children. you didn't . There is a reason for that. You need to figure that one out.

There is no possibility that he will somehow morph into the kind of man you actually want and need. not going to happen. Put that out of your head. No amount of therapy and nothing you can say or do will make that happen. Sorry.

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