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Kids meeting OW

(84 Posts)
Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 13:48:53

So exdh started seeing a new woman at start of march- only ended our marriage 3 weeks ago but that's by the by.
He has told me today he wants our DC to meet his new girlfriend next weekend. They are only 9 and 3 are still getting used to him not being here- it's only been 3 weeks.
He thinks me saying it's too soon is me trying to be difficult but it's not. Yes I am far from thrilled about the idea but to me this is a brand new relationship and kids should only be introduced when a relationship is established and serious.
He said if I don't agree then he'll just take them behind my back.
He doesn't see what the issue is at all. I said that given he doesn't have the kids overnight ever so there's no chance of her being around when they are there's no rush for her to meet them.
Also, his time with them is minuscule as it is, he should want to give them his undivided attention but he's talking about getting her kids involved so they can all play together- it's supposed to be his time with them!!!!
What do I do?

LedaP Sat 06-May-17 13:51:00

It must be so hard for you.

Unfortunately you cant stop him introducing them but he is being a dick.

AuntieStella Sat 06-May-17 13:54:49

This is one of the tougher things to deal with.

Because you can't do anything.

I agree that (if the duration if the relationship is indeed what he would have you believe) that it's plain wrong because it is far too early.

But you can't stop him. You've said your piece and he's not listening, and you can't do anything about that.

What you can do is support your DC. Hard though it is, be calm and and as bright and as breezy as you can be. DinMt pry about what she's like, but listen if they tell you, and only ever make positive comments. Because you didn't choose this, but it is their life now, and it wouldnMt be good for them if they felt they couldn't like other adults in your life because it might upset you.

For your Dc's sake, I hope she's nice.

And remember we're all here (with cake )when the going gets tough.

stitchglitched Sat 06-May-17 13:58:48

What a shit. Your poor kids are coming to terms with the breakdown of your relationship and he thinks this is an okay thing to subject them to? It's been 3 weeks ffs. There may not be anything you can do about it but I'd be telling him he was a selfish excuse for a father and should be prioritising his kids emotional wellbeing at this time. Maybe remind him that this is the sort of stuff kids remember. Does he want to lose his 9 year old's respect?

bird43 Sat 06-May-17 14:15:39

He is being selfish and completely inconsiderate. I would just tell him "No". There is absolutely no good reason that your kids need to meet her and her kids. I wouldn't allow my ex to be playing happy families with my kid! What a complete dick!!

MsGameandWatch Sat 06-May-17 14:17:30

I wouldn't allow it and he could take me to court if he felt like it and explain to them why he felt it was a good idea to blend families after three weeks.

CharlieBoo Sat 06-May-17 14:27:57

I wouldn't allow it either.. tell him no it's far too soon! Your dc need time to get over your separation. Remain calm and say it's nothing to do with how you feel but its too soon for them and when the times right you will agree to it but that you need to do what's best for them and at the moment it's not what's best for them.. far from it! X

Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 14:44:03

That's exactly what I did say Charlie but he twisted it and said I was being selfish and trying to ruin his life.
He said he wants to show the kids off!
How can I stop it? Other than stopping him from seeing the kids which I would never do there's no way of me physically being able to stop him.
I could go to court but that would take longer than next weekend

KittyWindbag Sat 06-May-17 14:58:27

Could you send him some links to articles about when it's best to introduce a new relationship to young children?

I'm so sorry he's being such a twat. It's entirely selfishly motivated.

SheldonsSpot Sat 06-May-17 15:05:18

He's a selfish dick but unfortunately you can't stop it.

Hopefully he'll do it as sensitively as possible, introducing her as his "friend" rather than girlfriend and snogging the face off her in front of the kids.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 06-May-17 15:05:20

A judge wouldn't back you. He will be deemed able to use his own judgement regarding parenting his own dc.
I doubt a new gf will be happy with 2 dc in their little love nest so it likely won't do their relationship much good anyway.

Sammysilver Sat 06-May-17 15:05:31

I agree it's way too soon but unfortunately there is little you can do about it. However it won't justify you stopping contact as you need to balance that against the confusion and possible sense of rejection that the children are likely to feel from suddenly not seeing him. You need to encourage him to see it from your kids' perspectives in terms of how confusing it might be for them. I think the PP's suggestion of emailing him links about it is a good idea.

Trifleorbust Sat 06-May-17 15:09:07

He is a twat, but unfortunately a court wouldn't do anything. He is entitled to introduce them to his girlfriend. flowerscake

But I repeat: he is a twat.

Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 15:45:07

I would never stop him from seeing the kids, he's their dad and they adore him.
No chance of him saying she's just a friend, he told our 9 year old all about his new girlfriend 2 days after declaring our marriage was over.
Will try and find some articles about when's best to introduce kids to try and make him see sense but I doubt it will.
I know I can't stop him, I just hate having to stand by and watch him drag the kids into the middle again. I highly suspect this is a reaction to me telling him I was going to file for divorce- that's just occurred to me otherwise I'd have put it in my op

Chloecoconut Sat 06-May-17 15:49:32

He's a twat with bells on.

There's nothing you can do to stop him introducing her.

But what you can do is prepare you kids as best you can. As hard as it is ( I do understand you believe me), try to smile about it all and make sure that they know it's ok to like her (or not like her!) and it's ok to mention her. Sending virtual vino.

FizzyGreenWater Sat 06-May-17 16:19:43

What an utter scumbag.

If it's any consolation, everything you have said about him, how they're clearly running their 'relationship' and the whole situation (two cheats race to make it as official as possible when the dust is hardly settled, both with young kids but clearly unable to put any of them first, seem to think that they can instantly create one big happy family) - everything, EVERYTHING points to the kind of relationship that will have fizzled out in a couple of months, when reality bites (from her kids, his kids and the big wide world). And even if not - he doesn't even have them overnight, and now wants to get his girlfriend involved asap when he has his time with them? He doesn't give a shit, OP - this one has 'disappear out of the kids' lives within the year' written all over it.

You are so lucky that this shit has shown his true colours - pity her, and prepare your kids as much as you can as others have said, and keep it in the back of your mind that it's highly likely that she'll be ancient history by their next birthdays, and he'll be on to the next one. It all sounds utterly immature - pity her kids too!

Very sorry that you and your children have to go through this.

SandyY2K Sat 06-May-17 16:31:32

he told our 9 year old all about his new girlfriend 2 days after declaring our marriage was over.

What decent father would do this though? That's damn awful.

If he did that, then he's not the kind of father, who puts the DC and their well-being before his. He would absolutely go behind your back and I'm actually surprised he even mentioned it to you, based on his past behaviour.

The DC are like toys for him to 'show off' with.

Clearly morality isn't one of the things he's teaching your DC.

He as good as told your 9 year old that he cheated on you.

No matter how the DC appear on the outside, this will certainly affect your 9 year old now and in the future.

SandyY2K Sat 06-May-17 16:39:11

I highly suspect this is a reaction to me telling him I was going to file for divorce

Probably is,but he declared the marriage over, so why would this be a problem with him?

Possibly like many WS, they expect you to sit and pine for them. Then once they realise you're moving on with life, they don't like it.

They realise that if things don't work out with the OW, they've not got you waiting in the wings as plan B.

Continue on the path of divorce.

GrimDamnFanjo Sat 06-May-17 16:51:31

What a wanker. Would you be able to enlist any of his family to ask him to slow down?

Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 16:54:06

Sandy I wish he hadn't told DS about her- he did that behind my back and then DS told me 2 days later saying he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't want me to be upset.
When I asked exh why on earth he thought it a good idea to tell DS he acted as though I was crazy for being pissed off about it.

Yes he ended our marriage all on his terms and he certainly thought I'd be pining for him- which part of me is- but every day he pulls another dick move and my heart cares less and less for him. Divorce is the only way for us after all he's done so I don't see the point in waiting- he said I'm trying to rush it through!

Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 16:55:39

Grim I have spoken to his dad today who is going to ring exh later and try and make him see sense re the kids.

As long as he sees it as me being difficult he's not going to even attempt to see the kids point of view in it all.

I found some articles about introducing new partners and have emailed him whether he reads them or not is another story

Mari50 Sat 06-May-17 16:57:22

I'm in similar situation, my ex introduced his new partner and her DD to our DD last week. They've been together two months and I think it's far too soon but I've had to stand back and just accept it. As it was DD had a nice time and thinks new partner and her DD are lovely so I told her I thought that was great (and it is, would be horrible if she had to spend time with people she didn't like), my ex managed to ruin her weekend by bitching about me a lot of the time though- way to go Dad!!
Incidentally my ex's relationship sped up to light speed after I went NC and I do feel the rush to introduce was in part to rub my face in it (and mainly to make his contact time easier cause he's a lazy bastard and now he'll have help)

OhhBetty Sat 06-May-17 17:11:50

This isn't helpful but he sounds like a really shit father. Is he competent enough to lool after them on his own? As he obviously doesn't understand the emotional needs or feelings of the 9yo.

Stuck16 Sat 06-May-17 19:50:32

He can take care of them in terms of food, getting dressed, having a bath etc but their emotional needs he hasn't got a clue about.
It's like he can't differentiate between adult responses and children's ones he thinks they react the same

ChickenBhuna Sat 06-May-17 20:35:54

I'm sorry Stuck , I feel your pain as my exh has introduced many women to the children over the years and I doubt he knew these ladies for long when he did so.He should have a revolving door fitted in his flat!

The only saving grace is that most of these women have been nice and eager to get along with my kids. The kids have stopped getting attached now though as they assume these relationships won't last , it's shitty but we ex partners can't do anything about these situations. I just keep out of it , all I ask is "is she nice?" And leave it at that.

Take care OP and try to enjoy your 'me' time when your kids are with your ex.

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