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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you be happy with your DH staying out overnight?

99 replies

Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 11:03

If it was unplanned, last minute and not something you had agreed upon?

My DH has several times taken it upon himself to decide to stay out all night after a night out, to save himself the hassle and expense of getting back. He will go on a mid week work night out, drink too much and not bother to catch his last train. So he then has the choice of an expensive taxi home or to stay out. He usually stays at his companies flat, but has also slept on people's sofas.

This really pisses me off as I'm left to deal with our children not only during the evening of his night out but the next morning too. We discuss it but he still does it again.

He did it last night and I'm fuming. He says I'm being silly as he took the "sensible option", and that he did keep me informed of what he was doing.

Am I being "silly"? I just think staying out all night isn't something married people with kids can take it upon themselves to decide to do?

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 11:05

I agree with you

What are all these big nights out (on a school night too) that require him to forget the fact he is a family man with responsibilities?

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 11:06

Has he an alcohol problem ?

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 10/03/2017 11:08

Well it personally wouldn't bother me as my DH leaves for work before any of us are up and gets in after the kids ahve gone to bed most days so childcare/dinner/evening houseork is all down to me anyway but I can see why you would be annoyed especially as you've spoken about it before and it sounds like it's a regular thing. So YANBU.

Do you believe he's doing what he says he's doing? Or something else?

At least he's not in bed hungover all day at the weekend when it should be family time.

Annesmyth123 · 10/03/2017 11:09

What a passive aggressive twat. He hasn't the balls to own his shit so he manoeuvres.

I would not be happy.

(My DP and I have no kids. Our kids are grown. He can stay the fuck out if he likes I don't care but own it and let me know. That's basic respect. And don't expect me to fall for a fairy story too often. Cinders I ain't)

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2017 11:10

Wouldn't bother me , I'd rather he came home in the morning than in the early hours half pissed. As long as he let me know. He doesn't need my permission to stay out and I don't need his, all that's required is consideration in informing the other person. Either parent should be capable of dealing with the kids on their own.

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2017 11:11

but own it and let me know

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 10/03/2017 11:12

Me and dh have both gone out and had a little to much sodding tequila and have had to stay unplanned on a friends sofa OR I am known to miss my last train home ( although I do try and make it just lose track of time) we don't make a big fuss out of it as this happens VERY rarely.

Sounds like this is a regular thing for journey dh and no I wouldn't be happy with a weekly/monthly occurrence

PointlessUsername · 10/03/2017 11:12

Do the same yourself and see if he still agrees its okay to do.

Annesmyth123 · 10/03/2017 11:13

Naw. He tells her a fairy story to get out the door (that he's coming home) and then moves the goal posts once he's out.

Jellybellyqueen · 10/03/2017 11:14

I wouldn't be happy either. Maybe not so bad on a weekend (although it's just respect to let you know ahead of time), but why does he feel he can abandon you to do all the child related stuff without a second thought? Unfair and selfish. He shouldn't be so drunk he can't make his way home if he's got work the next morning, surely? Does everyone else get that drunk?

apotheke · 10/03/2017 11:16

No, not at all happy. DH and I have been together a long time and pre-kids both of us did this from time to time. Now, it simply would not happen. We both have planned nights away overnight, but IMO your DH is taking the piss.

Try asking him how he would feel if you pulled the same stunt?

fruitbrewhaha · 10/03/2017 11:18

depends how often. If it's occasionally it wouldn't bother me. In fact he has done so and I've been pleased he has had a good night out. If it was every week I'd think "can't you just have a couple of social drinks with out it becoming a bender". Not bother about doing the children on my own but they are 4 and 7 so are not difficult to deal with.

I'd also resent the idea the he could pick and choose what he does on a whim and know everything is under control at home. While I have to plan and arrange a night out. However this afternoon after nursery pick up I'm going to a friends for lunch while he is at work.

JUst keep a mental note of how often he does it and then announce you are going away for the weekend!

whattodowiththepoo · 10/03/2017 11:22

I wouldn't have an issue but if I did my partner would stop.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/03/2017 11:24

I think it's pretty dysfunctional to go for a midweek drink with work and then not go home because you're out so late you can't get the train home. I bet other people aren't thrilled he is kipping on their sofas either.

Is he going in to work the next day half cut and in the same clothes as the day before?

As he's got kids to look after as well I think it's seriously dysfunctional.

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2017 11:26

I'm surprised anyone would find it "dysfunctional " plenty of work nights out are quite late and boozy, and I see it as quite normal to often not to want to cut it short and catch the last train.

JoJoSM2 · 10/03/2017 11:29

I wouldn't find his behaviour acceptable. Not only is it irresponsible but also he is rude and disrespectful towards you about it...

user1476185294 · 10/03/2017 11:33

Big thing for me is, are you 'allowed' to do the same. Have a night out soon and crash at a friends, do it a few times in the next two moths. Not every time you go out, but hit and miss so he doesn't know if he should expect you back or not. If he's fine with you doing the same then the issue is is this such a problem for you and if so why? If it is then it's still not BU but you need to talk about why. Does he normally do much in a morning that you have to take over?
For all we know OP 's partner might be responsible for taking kids to school whilst she leaves for work or she might be up all night feeding a teething baby and the usual routine changing just means more unnecessary stress.

In your shoes, I wouldn't like it. I would want it to be either I'm coming home or I'm staying out.

Nelllo · 10/03/2017 11:41

My DH did this a couple of times and has only just lived to tell the tale. The last time he did it he arrived back so late the next morning that I was late for work. I was NOT HAPPY. It's not happened since

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2017 11:43

I'm always surprised by the responses on mumsnet in these kind of threads. I genuinely don't know anyone in real life with any form of (successful and happy ) marriage where either party is expected to ask "permission" to stay out, permission that clearly wouldn't be granted, informing is generally enough to ensure no conflicts in terms of childcare, that would view their partner as rude and disrespectful if they simply said you were being silly, or behave remotely towards their partners as is being put forward as quite normal.

I actually thought maybe it was just me and my husband were unusual but I really don't know anyone who controls their partners to the degree many on here do.

Generally conversations go like this " I'm off out with work on wed, if it's a late one will stay over, otherwise will be back about midnight will let you know" response, either " yep, no worries, have fun" or "shit no, thurs morning not good for me, can uou come back"

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce, it must be beyond suffocating. I've been with my husband for 27 years. If it worked the way being put forward here, I doubt we'd have made it much past five.

Mrskeats · 10/03/2017 11:44

I would not be happy at all and I would not dream of doing it.
However, I am ancient

Emboo19 · 10/03/2017 11:48

What does he do about work in the morning? Does he come home first or go straight there?

It wouldn't bother me really, especially if it is just he's missed a train or the nights gone on longer than he expected, he's keeping you informed so you're not worrying.
That said, if it's more he knows he can always stay out and so doesn't really try to make it home. Then I'd be annoyed and think he should be arranging that with you beforehand.
If he phoned to say he was staying out and you said you really needed him home, would be come home?

Annesmyth123 · 10/03/2017 11:49

It's the telling her he will be home and - knowing she's not happy - staying out once he's out. He's lied, effectively

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expatinscotland · 10/03/2017 11:50

'Generally conversations go like this " I'm off out with work on wed, if it's a late one will stay over, otherwise will be back about midnight will let you know" response, either " yep, no worries, have fun" or "shit no, thurs morning not good for me, can uou come back"

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce, it must be beyond suffocating. I've been with my husband for 27 years. If it worked the way being put forward here, I doubt we'd have made it much past five.'

Dear God! My parents have been married for 53 years, and nearly all their friends are 50-50+ years. Never once did they or any of their friends think it was acceptable to go out on the razz and then just 'let the other know' if they were going to bother to come home. The ones who behaved like that, yeah, they divorced. Not because it was 'suffocating' but because that person who had no self-control invariably had an addiction problem and/or affairs.

How fucking disrespectful can you get? I wouldn't dream of treating my spouse like that. Nor would he.

He's going into work still pissed/hungover. WTAF?

WannaBe · 10/03/2017 11:55

Nope absolutely not. Planning to stay out overnight - absolutely fine. Ringing up at midnight saying "I've missed my taxi/am smashed out of my tree/can't get home and am not coming home," would be fuming.

It's not about control or giving permission - it's about having responsibilities and the attitude that it's ok to do as he likes and just let the wife at home know he won't be back.

Completely disrespectful.

Oh and there's a difference between keeping someone informed "I'm going out on Thursday and it's likely to be a late one so will probably stay out," and calling at midnight to say "I'm not coming home." The former is informing his partner, the latter is doing what the fuck he likes with no consideration for anyone else but himself.

Jazzywazzydodah · 10/03/2017 11:58

My dh goes away with friends every year - so do I but the ad hock work night stay outs would piss me off and make me a bit suspicious tbh.

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