WWYD re wedding

[prioritymail]

Probably more of a WWYD, but posting for quick traffic...

In a nutshell, dh's brother is getting married later this year. We have never met his fiance. The family is pretty spread out over the globe, but he has booked it for when his other brother (and family) are visiting there. The rest of the family live there already, so we are the only ones needing to travel.
Issues:
DH often works away and cannot yet say whether he will be available at that time (neither can I ever book a family hol in advance apart from Xmas).
He will likely have no annual leave available, but can 'buy' a few days leave if necessary.
One economy return ticket is priced around 900pounds on average at present, I imagine it will be more expensive if booked closer to the time, unless a last minute deal?
The kids will be at school, so would necessitate taking time off if we all went.
We very recently moved house, mortgage is expensive, and have little savings. Still getting used to the smaller monthly budget.
We would have to pay for accommodation at the venue.

I feel like a bit of a bitch and am reluctant to mention it again because of the reception I got, but I feel that although it would be lovely to attend, it is soo expensive for just a few days hol, most of which would be taken up by the wedding. Due to having to take days off school and paying for dh to take days off work we wouldn't be able to make a decent holiday of it. We had planned to go at a later date during the school holidays when we can have a few weeks to relax and make the long haul and expense more bearable. I'm also a bit reluctant to spend a big chunk of our savings and dh's leave if he goes alone, as it will mean our planned family hol will need to be put on hold for a bit.
DH is getting a bit of pressure to attend from his parents, but they (despite having the money) have not offered to help out in any way.
I can understand dh would like to be at his brother's wedding, but I honestly don't think it would make much difference to his brother (who he saw maybe once or twice a year when we lived in the same country, didn't phone) and bearing in mind the expense/timing/etc it feels like it isn't the best decision for our family as a whole. I didn't get to attend my sister's wedding either, (as I was pregnant at the time and couldn't fly) and it wasn't a big deal....

Any thoughts?

[category12]

He could explicitly say to his parents that it's a matter of money. Offer to pay them back at so much a month if they pay for the ticket up front?

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't go! He's not close to his brother and it would cost you a fortune. Don't offer to repay anyone, either!

[prioritymail]

I don't think he would do that category - he's always been a bit funny with family and money. His presents to one brother and his kids were (until recently) always a bit more expensive than theirs to us/our kids, for example. It's weird. My parents are very generous with their money and have paid for tickets and hols in the past, his only did similar with one short break after promising it for so long that young dd called them out on it . Must be a family money thing.
I think he'd just prefer to spend our money from savings. And I guess it's more my issue of not wanting to fund an extra, huge bill for one person out of the family to go to a wedding, when we could all go later and actually enjoy a holiday.

[prioritymail]

My thoughts too, Imperial, but how do I say that without looking like a total bitch . His family don't rate me much as it is!

[NapQueen]

I think if your dh went alone he may be able to bring the cost down - flights with longer layovers are usually cheaper, no need to book a hotel room if the Bride and Groom know anyone he can sofa surf with for a couple of nights, less cost for food etc.

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Send a lovely card!! Contact twice in a year wouldn't justify me spending all that on his wedding! And his parents clearly want him there for show purposes only!!

[prioritymail]

The flight I mentioned was at the cheaper end I think, don't know what it would be closer to the date. Don't think it would change too much as they're not that flexible, afaik. Venue is away from their home, groom specifically mentioned getting a room there, or a holiday Inn nearby if we couldn't afford it. Still chafes a bit at having to pay for this ontop of huge flight costs tho!

[prioritymail]

Moira good idea . Obviously we will be arranging a lovely gift too, probably lovelier if we don't have to shell out for flight/accom/food etc in addition!

[Newmanwannabe]

I think your DH should just go. It is his brother after all. It wouldn't be question it if it was my DH, if we all couldn't afford to go.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YANBU.

Is it worth adding up how much you think it would cost for all of you to, and for just DH to go, and weight it against monthly mortgage payments, or a nice holiday for ALL of you, or a home improvement, just to show what a massive chunk of money it would use up?

If the family aren't that keen on you then there's even less reason to go. You're not going to make them like you by going, and so what if they're pissy when you don't!

It also sounds like you'd be doing all the work to get you all there when it's DH's job making potentially making life hard. What would happen if you just don't mention it and hope he goes off the idea?

[prioritymail]

newman even if it would impact on the family holiday planned for later (when we would be visiting his family anyway), which may not go ahead until much later? (Would prob be put off another year, as Xmas is the only time we could go.) I know it's not a random friend, but dh had no issues with me missing my sister's wedding. It's not just a matter of a few hundred pounds and a day off - it's the other side of the world....

[prioritymail]

Anne I did tell him how much I thought it would be, and he just put his pissy face on (must run in the family!) and hasn't mentioned it since to me, although hasn't told his family one way or the other. Personally, I think he's going to leave it as late as possible, arrange it, then tell me he's going so he avoids the arguments in the meantime. I can't help feeling it's a bit selfish on his behalf because I see that amount of money as something our family should benefit from, not just him on a flying visit. (I'm a bitch.) And then I'll beeven more pissed off he plannedit and didn't prepare me!

[Tohaveandtohold]

The thing is if your DH wants to attend and he's not seeing it the same way as you then I would just let him go alone if you won't get into any sort of debt for it. It's his brother.
Something similar happened when BIL wanted to get married, the annoying part was he planned it only with his fiancee's family in mind because they picked a date that was so close we only had 2 months notice. We would need to sort out visas, flights, etc so it was easy for us to decline their invitation

[MsMarvel]

I think if your dp wants to go, then he should go himself. Yes its a lot of money but his brother is getting married and he wants to be there.

[prioritymail]

I suppose so, though it feels like me/kids are being penalised a bit, as our only family hol will prob need to be postponed until the next year if he goes.

[LesisMiserable]

He should definitely go. You have lots of family holidays to have, this is a one off.

[kittymamma]

You can't compare you not going to your sister's wedding to him not going to his brother's, it is totally unfair. You couldn't go because you were pregnant, not because finances didn't permit you to, that wasn't the discussion. It is not right to compare the two imo.

I didn't go to my brothers wedding because he got married at the other side of the world and it would have cost in excess of £2500 for us all to go. That was my decision. I could have decided to go alone, but I preferred not to go at all than go alone. My DH however, did want to go to his friends wedding that cost £600. As it was very important to him, we discussed what contributions I needed for the family and how he was going to make up the shortfall. He paid for it and went. You need to do the same. If he has to do overtime or make sacrifices, then that's what he has to do.

[TheNaze73]

It's his brothers wedding. He should go on his own

[PurpleDaisies]

I agree with everyone else saying he should go alone. I can understand you're pissed off about the expense but it's his brother. I went to a close friend's wedding abroad recently without dh. It cost a bloody fortune but dh didn't complain. That's just what you do for really good friends or family and I'd have supported him going alone if the situations were reversed. We won't be having a big holiday this year because of it.

[FritzDonovan]

Consensus says I guess he should go then. Just feels like another in the number of ways he gets to do stuff at the expense of the rest of us. I did ask this q in isolation tho, so will grimace and bear it I suppose. I'm obv turning into a right miserable cow.

[FritzDonovan]

Oops! Namechange fail

[PurpleDaisies]

Name change fail op?

[FritzDonovan]

Certainly was, dammit!

[Adora10]

He should go then, sorry OP but I think it would be awful not to attend my brother's wedding; I don't care if I've never met his fiancée, I think it's really crap not to do, we could all come up with similar excuses tbh when it comes to the finances, did you not have a period of them saying when they were getting married so you all had a chance to prepare and perhaps save?

Unfortunately people are getting married more and more lavishly these days, even abroad but I'd do it for my brother, every time.

[HmmOkay]

Another for DH to go alone. It's an important thing for the family really. You said you planned to go at a later date for a few weeks, so maybe you can afford for him to go alone for the wedding instead? Not great for you and the kids to miss out, but it's more important for him to attend.

You don't sound like a miserable cow at all by the way. Just frustration at the fact that your in-laws are so far away and it costs a huge amount to visit. It is a real shame.

I know you probably won't be able to afford a big family holiday as well this year, but can you try to do something just for you? A short city break with friends? It's only fair that you get a break also.

And then back to both of you saving up for the big trip to see DH's family. Which might take a couple of years.