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Hurt that my 35-year best friend has chosen my other best friend as her maid of honour. Devastated 😪

153 replies

Nixnoks · 30/01/2017 15:05

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice in a situation I never through I'd be in.

I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible - not easy though!

My bestie and I have been best friends for 35 years, since we were 11. During that time, of course there have been times and years when we weren't as close as children, jobs etc can take over, BUT, there's never been a break in the friendship. She's been married twice, I was bridesmaid to first wedding (her second wedding just contained their daughters). She was bridesmaid at my first wedding (second wedding, I had none). I'm god mother to her children and her to my one. We have gone through soooooooo much together and literally know everything about each other, we talk everyday on message and see each other at least twice a month. I have included her in my world of friends and this is where she met my other best friend (of 15 years). Two years ago she divorced second Husband and immediately got with a mutual friend of mine and OBF (other best friend). So she only knows her fiancé and my OBF through me, absolutely no problem at all.

During the last 3 years, my life has been devastating, I literally nearly died of Bowel cancer, have done 8 months of chemo, I've had a colostomy bag, I've had 3 major ops and 12 not so major, and because of a rare complication, I, until recently, have been in agonising daily pain. I've also nearly died twice since then. So putting it mildly I've had a tough time, but my outlook has always been extremely positive and upbeat. I say all this , not for sympathy, but because despite going through all this, this situation has devastated and affected me more than the above!

Fast forward, she's now getting married again. Sooooo pleased for my bestie and her fiancé (whom I've known for 15 years). They are also spending weekends, nights out and holidays with OBF ( with no invite for us, despite being free and able to get babysitter, hurtful but have let it go).

I then get told, on a drunken girls night out after 2 wines to "not be upset", but she's asked my OBF to be her maid of honour when she gets married. I was absolutely devastated and felt suckerpunched 😪😪 she then proceeded to say "it just feels like the right thing to do as her husband is the best man, plus they are coming out for the 2 week holiday. You have a little girl to concentrate on and the hotel is adults only, and you need to concentrate on your health. I feel bad because I know what you've gone through but it just makes sense to have OBF". Aaarrrrrrgggghhhhh😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was so gobsmacked, as she brought my daughter into it (when I had already told her we'd attend her wedding abroad for a week (not 2)), and patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place. To top it all, all our girlfriends knew before me 😰 I told her it was up to her and left it.

Since then I've said nothing to her about her decision, as it is her decision after all. I've been to her engagement party, been on a few nights out and tried to keep our friendship and relationship on the same basis, but the truth is I just can't. I'm absolutely devastated, hurt, humiliatated and feel betrayed 😪😪

Everyone that's found out has been literally open mouthed and dumbstruck because we are literally like sisters, which does validate my feelings. Humiliating 😫

It's now at the point where I'm answering her texts in one word answers, I'm stony and moody if I've seen her and I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. She absolutely knows something's wrong, and unless she's living in a cave she knows exactly what's wrong but refuses to ask me if it's her and what's happened.

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression 😒. She's chasing me with messages, photos, positive messages, but I can't even reply to most of them because I don't see why she should have the 9/10 I've been giving for 35 years, when she's hurt me so badly. To make things worse, the friendship she has with my OBF is so superficial, it's bordering on offensive to what's happened.

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice. Thanks for listening x

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Chops2016 · 30/01/2017 15:31

I'm sorry to hear about your previous poor health and glad you are in a better place these days.

While I understand why this would leave you feeling a bit hurt, I do think you are letting it upset you more than it should (am I reading your post correctly that you say this situation upset you more than almost losing your life to illness?).

If I were in her position I would be unsure whether to ask you or not because I wouldn't want to put the "burden" on you if you had been ill. I know it's a wonderful honour but being maid of honour is still work, albeit largely fun work. However if it were me I would discuss this with the person first to see how they felt taking on the role. Is she usually very adverse to confrontation? Do you think she was scared of upsetting you or making you feel obliged to take the role?

You say she was bridesmaid at your wedding, maybe she didn't realise you had an expectation of being maid of honour when she wasnt your maid of honour?

It is impossible to make everybody happy when planning a wedding.. I had a massive (and unneccessary) drama with bridesmaids/maid of honour at mine which was all caused by miscommunication and one of the bridesmaids making assumptions and having expectations I didn't know about. My advice is to talk about it with her calmly. Try and take the emotion out of it and listen to her reasons. If you've had a wonderful friendship for 35 years she can't be that bad a person and must care about you. Tell her how you're feeling and what you were expecting, she very well may not know. Try and understand it from her point of view, too.

Best of luck