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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Got through xmas, thought things might begin ok in new year but we're home now.

92 replies

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:03

He's gone out- don't know where.
I really didn't want to divorce as we have 3 year old dd. I let him sleep/ rest until
Lunch and thought he might be nice to me, maybe even get a nap later but he's left and I dont know where after finger waving and ranting at me because I dared to ask him to not do something that makes London fe harder for me. I ended up shouting and swearing too which I'm really not happy about but I try so hard and he's so unfair to me. I was called an fucking bitch and a cunt ( not new) Of course he was perfect over xmas and v generous etc. I can't talk to anyone. Definitely won't get a rest now and also have the anxiety of not knowing what he's doing. He has week off work.

OP posts:

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Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:04

Sorry' life harder for me not a London. Just wanted to vent/ support I guess. Feel v isolated.

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jeaux90 · 27/12/2016 16:20

Sounds charming. Why are you with him?

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:25

He had his good points. People are not black and white. I'd really appreciate some advice from anyone who understands how confusing this all is and it's not easy to separate a child from a parent that loves them.

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Costacoffeeplease · 27/12/2016 16:41

It is if that parent is a selfish, abusive arse

Do you want your child to grow up and repeat your relationship with their partner?

BlueFolly · 27/12/2016 16:43

Do you think he would want to split too? What are your living arrangements?

Teepish · 27/12/2016 16:48

I separated from my Dh in the summer as I couldn't put up with feeling so downtrodden and anxiety ridden anymore, my 5 year old dd was becoming very uses to seeing mummy crying, upset, shouting or worse, in bed depressed. Dh would ignore me or talk as if he didn't understand what was wrong with me so I knew much more of this and my dad would completely disrespect me altogether.
Amazingly, it wasnt all that stuff that ended it, it was the mountains of lies and adultery I actually found out about

If he is lovely in front of other people, but awful to you behind closes doors lime my Dh was, it is enough for you to leave. Your child cannot grow up in this atmosphere.

Teepish · 27/12/2016 16:49

My dd, not dad.... Sorry for typos

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:52

I think he's selfish yes. Abusive? Only to me and only subtly. Can I ask do you think not letting a v exhausted mother ask in advance for a break at a specified time is abusive if you then get angry if her nerves becom e frayed or her patience wears thin with husband she lets sleep? To then go out in a huff and not say where you are or when youll be back? I'm used to being sworn at now unfortunately I'm guilty of it too now as I get so upset.

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Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:55

Thanks teepish. My dd always wants mummy and he does nothing to change this because he's too selfish to do all the hard stuff for her like getting up early, standing around in parks all morning etc etc. I never get a break.

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Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:57

He works v hard in a v stressful
Job with long hours so he does deserve a break and I'd happily give him one but just want him to reciprocate and not pick a fight with me when his batteries are nicely recharged and I'm utterly depleted.

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Teepish · 27/12/2016 16:58

Yes, he is treating you badly. You are responding angrily as that is how it makes you feel.
"Only" being abusive to you, and "only" subtly, is unacceptable my love
You deserve better than that and so does your child. He is not treating his child's mother well and that is not right.

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:58

He has no empathy for me. I'm really sad because stupidly I thought after a nice xmas xmas things might get better. We own a house together. It's going to take s long time to sell.

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gamerchick · 27/12/2016 16:59

Does he bring anything at all to this relationship apart from forcing your child to see her parents shouting and swearing at each other?

Why are you trying so hard?

OurBlanche · 27/12/2016 16:59

Make 2017 your very own New Year.

I don't care how shouty you get, how snippy you can be, how much you might think you are to blame... you are DEFINITELY worth more than an exhausted, row avoiding, name/shame accepting life... and exhausting yet happy life is yours for the planning.

Start now - call it a late self Christmas present.

Teepish · 27/12/2016 16:59

From the sound of it you are doing it all on your own, so you might as well live on your own with your child. You will be happier

Teepish · 27/12/2016 17:02

Oh my Dh had, and still has zero empathy for me. You know what he called me? An ugly cunt.
Start planning your way out.

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:02

Thanks Teepish... it's so hard to get support from family and friends as they don't understand. I also find it hard that he gets v irritated by me wanting to plan anything ahead, a nap, days out, a holiday. This makes me feel suffocated.

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Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:03

Yes cunt is losing its harshness now...

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Teepish · 27/12/2016 17:07

Yes he is suffocating you and draining the life out of you
When "cunt" loses its harshness that's when you know its all gone sadly wrong eh....
I know what you are going through and you can get out and get through this, my love. You will become very strong.

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:09

Thanks ourblanche and gamerchick. I am physically doing it all on my own. He's v good at playing with our son ( at home) and is v affectionate. He is a good provider. He is v clever and funny in good spirits. He can be v kind to my family. He can be v generous to me and seem like he's in love with me. He tells me I'm v attractive and has never made me feel bad about my appearance (I'm quite a self conscious person). On paper he's a great catch. To others he seems charming, doting and kind.

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GhostOfChristmasYetToCome · 27/12/2016 17:16

I'd really appreciate some advice from anyone who understands how confusing this all is and it's not easy to separate a child from a parent that loves them.

Tbh, that's how we all feel. Until we end it and then our overriding thought it, "why didn't I do that years ago..?"

Honestly, I know I can't really speak for everyone, but I don't know anyone in real life who regrets having ended it, or anyone who is pleased they stuck with it for X number of years longer than they wanted to.

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:17

I'm
V nervous about him coming home because I don't know when he'll turn up and expect a lecture on my behavior ( I did get v upset and
Behave bay saying I hated him etc) and also I am v afraid of abandonment ( co dependent I know but it's v v frightening to me).

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jeaux90 · 27/12/2016 17:17

Ramona being a single parent is easier than being in an abusive relationship. (Take it from me) Being a co-parent after a split has got to be easier as you would actually get some time to yourself!

If neither of these is what you want then what other choices? Counselling?

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:18

I'm posting here because it stops me texting him or calling family. I really appreciate your posts.

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Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 17:19

He won't go to Counselling. We tried it once.

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