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I don't know how to (or if I can) let this go. Any ideas?

(93 Posts)
FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 11:12:57

I have posted a lot about my issues with our missed miscarriage and DP's family.

For background info:

This issue is regarding a group family chat on FB messenger.
The conversation started by DP's step mum along the lines of looking forward to Christmas and that it will be such a happy time etc..
Then her own son (DP's step brother) then said:
"well for some of us 2016 has been a bit of a cunt"
(SB has had health issues)
I responded and said:
"I'm with step brother on this, I for one am looking forward to New Year as I want to say goodbye to 2016"
Step mum then said something like:
"yes step brother and Frazzle and her DP have had a hard year but let's not lose sight of the fact we haven't all had a bad year"
I then apologised, saying I was just overtired then carried on the conversation, and that's when the talk of her daughter's (DP's step sister) pregnancy started, which I fully participated in.
I wanted to show that I was interested and trying to overcome my own grief.
I joined in with the discussion around guessing when their baby will arrive and I even suggested we all take a stab at guessing the sex and the weight.
DP's Step Mum said ''Niece will be gutted if she has another boy cousin" I responded with this:
"Awww DD (who we lost) is niece's girl cousin smile and anyway, the baby could be a girl so niece will have two girl cousins grin"

(FWIW, I totally understand that I should probably have said 'was', not 'is' but have trouble with the 'was' as DD is still our daughter no matter what)

However, DP's dad then responded with:

"No Frazzle, DD is not niece's little girl cousin. There is no DD, I am sorry"

This comment was the final straw for me and I suffered a huge panic attack about 5 minutes later, which I have never experienced before so was pretty scary sad.

Since then, I just cannot get my head around it or get the comment out of my head. DP and I are both furious, though DP has now become 'pally' again with his dad as he doesn't want to be angry with him (lots of clashes in the past between DP and his dad and he isn't getting any younger, yadda yadda.... so fair enough)

I just cannot undertand why someone would be so insensitive, especially when I am clearly trying very hard to participate in their joy of the new baby, when all I feel is pain and (I am ashamed to admit on here) downright raw jealousy.
Why is it ok to get super excited about the new baby but our DD doesn't exist? I don't know how to move forward. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I just cannot seem to grasp why someone (DD's own grandfather) would be so brutal. I can't speak to him, I want nothing to do with him right now. All I can feel is rage towards him and feel so hurt that DD's own grandfather thinks she was nothing, but the new baby is to be celebrated.
I keep feeling worried for the step sister and her husband in case they lose their baby, for obvious reasons, but also because the family support is so shit and their baby's existence will be dropped so easily, just like ours was sad

I know that I need to let this go because it is eating me up. It is causing a huge rift between DP and me. We had a terrible time after this comment was made, talk of breaking up etc sad. The past few days have been much better after a chat but there is this underlying frustration I have regarding his dad.
I could never forgive him for a comment like that, not that he would ever apologise. He told DP that he would say it again if he had to.

Am I maybe being over sensitive because of my grief?
Friends' reactions to the message tells me I am not, but maybe they are being biased and angry on my behalf. I don't know. I showed my mum and she was furious. But maybe I need to get a grip and just look at it as his loss for not experiencing the presence and love we did for our DD.

Its just all so hard sad. I want our DD to be remembered and loved. I don't want to be shot down for talking about her, especially when I have done it in such a happy way.

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 11:24:10

I should probably add that DP's step mum and dad have repeatedly told us that step sister and her husband feel they cannot share baby joy because of us. For example, after a recent family event, step mum told DP that step sister was desperate to call her over to feel the baby kicking but, because I was sitting close by, she couldn't. Though I remember clearly step mum going over to her to feel the bump. And this is a natural thing to do, no matter how much it chokes me up. I put a very brave face on that day, DP said so himself and said I handled it all so well.

I guess I just feel like I am being made to feel bad all the time because we lost our baby. I feel rushed to get over it.

Really12345678910 Wed 14-Dec-16 11:24:54

I feel for you that was really insensitive. And rude. Your DD did exist. Whether born or miscarried she was here. And should be acknowledged. Hugs. I understand as i have experienced the same pain as have many other women so you really not alone.. just try and move on from the messages. Be happy for sil. Even though I know it's difficult and maybe distance yourself from dps dad for a bit of head space x

Cricrichan Wed 14-Dec-16 11:37:32

I'm sorry for your losses but your niece will not equate a baby that you miscarried as her niece. Other people will be sad for you but won't really consider a baby that you MC as part of their family I don't think. I can also image how it is hard for your sil to talk about her pg in front of you and maybe your mil is trying to make things more normal. They must also be going through an awful time with your fil's cancer and your husband, whilst upset about your MC will be a lot more worried about his dad.

Cricrichan Wed 14-Dec-16 11:37:58

Her cousin not her niece!

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 11:41:07

Thank you for your replies. Sorry for any confusion re my previou thred. FIL does nto have cancer. He is fit and well. It is DP's step sister's FIL. So her husband's father who sadly has cancer.

Sorry, it is all rather confusing with all the talk of step family!

But yes I do undertsand that step sister and her husband find it hard to talk about their pregnancy but I have told them several times they mustn't and I have put a brave face on in front of them regarding their baby so that they feel able to share baby excitement.

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 11:42:38

So DP is a lot more upset about losing his child, sorry again for any confusion. It is confusing for me too at times

0hCrepe Wed 14-Dec-16 11:44:41

What you're going through is awful, I'm so sorry. My experience of bereavement and loss was when my brother died. We were trying for a baby and nothing was happening and when I did conceive I had a mmc at 11.5 weeks. Seeing other people pregnant was very painful. I've also had the thing where dh said no more. I was utterly bereft. (Although he did agree again later).
But reading your situation from the other side and this is going to be hard, dp's family don't want to hear about your grief anymore. They want to be happy and enjoy xmas and the new arrival. They don't want to think about your grief or feel guilty and their comments are to make you stop mentioning it. I'm not saying they're ok doing that but it's what they're doing.
Obviously it isn't easy for you to pick yourself up that easily and you are working on it with your support from mh professionals. I think you need to know who your supportive friends are and go to them when you need to talk about it.

AverageJosephine Wed 14-Dec-16 11:53:15

I'm with you OP! Why the hell they felt the need to clarify that your DD does not exist. It's completely heartless.

I would have messaged DP's dad, 'thanks for clarifying, we didn't realise dd had died. But good of you to set us straight and let us know that your don't recognise her as a person'.

But that would have been my fury talking. Maybe it's not a good idea. But YANBU to be upset.

You've done everything right with your SIL. Nothing can change that they do need to have a little sensitivity. Hopefully it's not too taxing for everyone.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 14-Dec-16 12:04:17

You say that you want to let this go. What exactly do you want to let go of?

HardLightHologram Wed 14-Dec-16 12:12:38

A lot of people would struggle with the idea that an early loss is a baby.

I am so sorry for your losses. And they are being very insensitive, but honestly I would have been taken aback at your comments in that context.

"Awww DD (who we lost) is niece's girl cousin and anyway, the baby could be a girl so niece will have two girl cousins''

While I can understand you thinking this, I actually think it's not fair to expect other people to. Your losses were very tragic but they were early losses, and few people other than you and your DP are likely to think of them in this way.

I wish you all the best, and again I'm very sorry.

NoSunNoMoon Wed 14-Dec-16 12:12:47

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Some people, often older people don't think of a MC in the same way as they would a full term still born baby. They don't mean to be harsh, I'm sure. My grandmother had 2 still born babies, it was a fact of life for her and many other women of her age, she said, "You just got on with things".

Have you been able to have some counselling, I think it would help you. Your rage is at your loss, not your FiL, I think.

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 12:13:50

Thanks guys. And I know I am lucky to have supportive friends who I can turn to.
I guess I just assmued that family would be the most supportive as our DD is (was) a blood relative, whether they like it or not. That is just basic biology.
I hate that I cannot talk about her, even in a happy way. It frustrates and pains me that they want to shut me up and forget about her

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 12:18:40

RedMapleLeaf I want to be able to let go of DP's dad's comment.
But I am not sure I know how to. Perhaps I will in time, the comment was only made a week ago.

I think I am also angry because I was doing my best to join in with the fun and wanted to include our DD. It was happy conversation and I included smiley faces to show that. But I was immediately shot down.

FrazzleRock Wed 14-Dec-16 12:25:03

I do understand that some people do not see our DD in the same was we do and I think this is what I need to try to understand. Once I can get my head around that fact, I can probably allow myself to let his comment go.
But in my head, DD was their grandchild. When I was pregnant his dad even signed off on messages to me 'grandad'. But all of a sudden he is not and she does not exist.

I am on a waiting list for counselling and I am currently getting CBT. I am struggling with the CBT, but I can discuss that with my psychiatric nurse. I am also on AD's. I am doing all this to please others, if I am honest. What I would really like to do is go through the motions organically so that they pass on their own, naturally. But I am being forced to get over it and shut up.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 14-Dec-16 12:25:05

What part of his comment are you hanging on to?

I feel a bit bad for your mil. It sounds to me as though she wanted to get people looking forward to a happy time ahead and got a bit sabotaged.

NoSunNoMoon Wed 14-Dec-16 12:27:33

They feel uncomfortable including her, Frazzle, it's sad but she isn't as real to them as she is to you.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 14-Dec-16 12:29:35

I think I am also angry because I was doing my best to join in with the fun and wanted to include our DD.

How about having a think about a way of remembering your baby in an even more special way than a Facebook chat? It could be something to do in future Christmases too.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 14-Dec-16 12:32:06

When I was pregnant his dad even signed off on messages to me 'grandad'. But all of a sudden he is not and she does not exist.

That doesn't sound like disinterest to me. Could he be dealing with grief in a different way to you?

Yoksha Wed 14-Dec-16 12:33:27

Hi OP,

flowers for you. I'd like to acknowledge your loss of your baby girl. For some the expected baby doesn't exist until they see physical evidence. Perhaps you were a bit to eager to join in this "heavy" family discussion at your own emotional expense. You landed up giving more than was in reserve, & your emotionally immature Fil was blind to the pain you've been feeling. Shame on him.

Easy for me to say, but you need to be the best you can be for your own self-preservation. Heal, grieve, indulge away. Nobody gets to call time on your emotional wellbeing except you.

NightWanderer Wed 14-Dec-16 12:34:50

But you knew how they felt. I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I say this as someone who lost 5 babies to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and termination due to health problems with the fetus. You need to work through your grief but you know they don't want to hear about it. You know it upsets her to hear about your loss while she's pregnant. You can't change that in them, you can't make them acknowledge your daughter.

I think you should distance yourself from them and the pregnancy. Just until thingss are less raw for you.

Hoppinggreen Wed 14-Dec-16 12:40:50

I'm sorry for your loss.
I had a Mc at 12 weeks and although I will always remember him/her I am pretty sure that I am The only one (including DH) who does and who thinks he/she was my baby rather than "a load of cells" or whatever.
In older generations there wasn't the awareness there is now and even my very lovely and compassionate mil just told me it would be ok we could just try again.
I think that maybe you are being a bit u to expect everyone to see things the way you do

RasperryInAMelon Wed 14-Dec-16 12:46:01

Tough one - as someone who is currently 16 weeks I too would of course be heartbroken if I were to MC now. I don't know whether I would count it as a child though, perhaps between DH and myself. But I wouldn't expect my parents to say that they had a GC until the birth physically happens. They would say that their daughter sadly had an MC, but not that they lost their GC.

I do understand your pain, I think for you and DP it's understandable as the connection is very much there for the parents, but I don't think it's something that's there for everyone else.

I really hope you can start to feel better and look forward to 2017 flowers

KimmySchmidtsSmile Wed 14-Dec-16 12:47:04

Oh my lovey. I am so so sorry. All it would have taken would have been a simple recognition that your DD was her cousin and she would have loved her and the agreement that, yes, she may have a second girl cousin: but it appears your FIL will never recognise her in the same way you do. That is his issue, not yours, but for your own mental health I would steer clear, I really would. They just don't get it and I'm not sure they ever will and Ihope, for their sake, they never do. flowers

KimmySchmidtsSmile Wed 14-Dec-16 12:49:09

^ as in they never have to.
I too wish you all the best for 2017 as this year was hell for you.

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