I have posted a lot about my issues with our missed miscarriage and DP's family.
For background info:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2748670-Im-broken-and-I-have-taken-the-family-with-me?pg=7
This issue is regarding a group family chat on FB messenger.
The conversation started by DP's step mum along the lines of looking forward to Christmas and that it will be such a happy time etc..
Then her own son (DP's step brother) then said:
"well for some of us 2016 has been a bit of a cunt"
(SB has had health issues)
I responded and said:
"I'm with step brother on this, I for one am looking forward to New Year as I want to say goodbye to 2016"
Step mum then said something like:
"yes step brother and Frazzle and her DP have had a hard year but let's not lose sight of the fact we haven't all had a bad year"
I then apologised, saying I was just overtired then carried on the conversation, and that's when the talk of her daughter's (DP's step sister) pregnancy started, which I fully participated in.
I wanted to show that I was interested and trying to overcome my own grief.
I joined in with the discussion around guessing when their baby will arrive and I even suggested we all take a stab at guessing the sex and the weight.
DP's Step Mum said ''Niece will be gutted if she has another boy cousin" I responded with this:
"Awww DD (who we lost) is niece's girl cousin and anyway, the baby could be a girl so niece will have two girl cousins "
(FWIW, I totally understand that I should probably have said 'was', not 'is' but have trouble with the 'was' as DD is still our daughter no matter what)
However, DP's dad then responded with:
"No Frazzle, DD is not niece's little girl cousin. There is no DD, I am sorry"
This comment was the final straw for me and I suffered a huge panic attack about 5 minutes later, which I have never experienced before so was pretty scary .
Since then, I just cannot get my head around it or get the comment out of my head. DP and I are both furious, though DP has now become 'pally' again with his dad as he doesn't want to be angry with him (lots of clashes in the past between DP and his dad and he isn't getting any younger, yadda yadda.... so fair enough)
I just cannot undertand why someone would be so insensitive, especially when I am clearly trying very hard to participate in their joy of the new baby, when all I feel is pain and (I am ashamed to admit on here) downright raw jealousy.
Why is it ok to get super excited about the new baby but our DD doesn't exist? I don't know how to move forward. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I just cannot seem to grasp why someone (DD's own grandfather) would be so brutal. I can't speak to him, I want nothing to do with him right now. All I can feel is rage towards him and feel so hurt that DD's own grandfather thinks she was nothing, but the new baby is to be celebrated.
I keep feeling worried for the step sister and her husband in case they lose their baby, for obvious reasons, but also because the family support is so shit and their baby's existence will be dropped so easily, just like ours was
I know that I need to let this go because it is eating me up. It is causing a huge rift between DP and me. We had a terrible time after this comment was made, talk of breaking up etc . The past few days have been much better after a chat but there is this underlying frustration I have regarding his dad.
I could never forgive him for a comment like that, not that he would ever apologise. He told DP that he would say it again if he had to.
Am I maybe being over sensitive because of my grief?
Friends' reactions to the message tells me I am not, but maybe they are being biased and angry on my behalf. I don't know. I showed my mum and she was furious. But maybe I need to get a grip and just look at it as his loss for not experiencing the presence and love we did for our DD.
Its just all so hard . I want our DD to be remembered and loved. I don't want to be shot down for talking about her, especially when I have done it in such a happy way.
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I don't know how to (or if I can) let this go. Any ideas?
92 replies
FrazzleRock · 14/12/2016 11:12
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