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We are on holiday in the Caribbean

(130 Posts)
Namechangerooni Tue 27-Sep-16 04:12:29

Lovely 5 star hotel. We are in our early 30s, been together for 3 years, haven't had sex for almost 12 months. Been here 8 days, still no sex. I've tried to initiate it but got absolutely nothing back, it's humiliating. Anyway, tonight we went for dinner, on the way out and on the way to another bar (we are in a resort) I suggest we stop in another bar on the way. Dp then states that I'm "erratic" for wanting to go to other bar on the way. He then accuses me (it definitely felt like an accusation) of only wanting to stop in the second bar because I want to smoke. I am a social smoker so yeh a cigarette would be good, but not sure why it's such an aggressive accusation (he doesn't generally mind me smoking, which I do so very rarely). Not sure why I'm posting, but just feel like I'm constantly accused of being "erratic" or "neurotic" for wanting to do a perfectly natural thing such as stop for a drink sometime?

I can't remember the last time he told me i look nice, or kissed me. Or hugged me:

ohfourfoxache Tue 27-Sep-16 04:29:29

Doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship

thestamp Tue 27-Sep-16 04:42:57

Does he have any good points? It sounds like the relationship has run its course...

I'm sorry things feel shit but maybe it's just time to pack it in? And this can be the push you need?

Ladybird333 Tue 27-Sep-16 04:52:11

You've got your whole life ahead of you. I'd call it a day now. Doesn't look as though there's even a chance of children coming along to complicate things. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and start planning the rest of your life, without him.

BigGreenOlives Tue 27-Sep-16 05:13:55

Leave him when you get home. Life can be better than this.

CoYoAddict Tue 27-Sep-16 05:20:32

But be honest now, was the reason you wanted to go the a bar on the way so you could smoke?

This is the sort of thing my DH does and honestly I can see right through his thought processes and I would make a snippy accusation like that too, because I really DO hate him smoking, which he knows and I hate that he constantly tries to dismiss it as an occasional social smoking when in reality it's far more than he admits to. I bet your boyfriend actually hates it much more than you think he does and I bet he's tried to tell you that many times but you don't take it seriously. It might actually be the reason he doesn't want sex with you too. I know it puts me right off, I don't want to be intimate at all with someone who smells or tastes of fags.

On the other hand if you genuinely smoke very rarely and he doesn't want sex even if you've not been near a fag for a week or more (does that ever happen?) then I'd say this relationship is doomed. Lots of couples end up in sexless relationships but at only three years in with no children yet I can't see how this can work out in the long term for you. I think you should call it a day as soon as you get home.

Either he has a very non existent sex drive or he just doesn't fancy you enough any more. Neither reason is going to give you what you want from a future husband/ father for your kids.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 27-Sep-16 06:28:36

Have you had a discussion about the lack of sex? Have you told him that you feel rejected?

TheNaze73 Tue 27-Sep-16 06:39:02

I get the smoking thing, it really is disgusting but, he is choosing to be with you, so shouldn't complain, all he needs to do is walk if it's that bad.
As for the rest of the relationship, there must be a real root cause as his behaviour & attitude to sex is not normal for a healthy male, in his 30's

fastdaytears Tue 27-Sep-16 06:46:41

This doesn't sound good.

What are you getting from the relationship?

Erratic is a bad word but it sounds like wanting to smoke might have been a reason for going to another bar, which is annoying as a non-smoker.

ihatethecold Tue 27-Sep-16 06:47:10

Were you both looking forward to this holiday?
Did you plan it together and get excited as the departure date got closer?

lozengeoflove Tue 27-Sep-16 06:50:57

You are in paradise and you're going through hell. It's a no brainier. Time for him to sling his hook.

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain Tue 27-Sep-16 06:51:26

Erratic? Sounds an odd accusation. When else has he said this for context?

ravenmum Tue 27-Sep-16 06:58:42

Does he mean that you keep changing your mind all the time? If so, sounds quite irritable, like he is just not that keen ... Maybe it has run its course? How about you go off for a day and do your own thing? May as well at least make the most of the location rather than spending the holiday bickering.

benbry Tue 27-Sep-16 06:58:43

Unless you split up your sex life is over at 30. What's that all about?

There has to be more to it.

doji Tue 27-Sep-16 07:15:34

If you aren't happy, you don't have to stay in this relationship. Having no physical intimacy whatsoever for over a year would be a dealbreaker for most people at this stage in the relationship. It certainly would be for me.

I'd also not put up with someone being a passive aggressive arse - if he has issue with you smoking, he should say so, rather than calling you names.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 27-Sep-16 07:16:59


Why are you still together at all?. You've both basically dragged your dead marriage on holiday to the Caribbean

Was this a make or break holiday?. If either of you thought that your problems could be solved by a holiday you are both sadly very much mistaken.

When you return to the UK make plans to separate; better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you both are now.

ChasedByBees Tue 27-Sep-16 07:18:32

You don't sound happy. Not being happy is enough, you don't need any other reason to leave.

EvaWild Tue 27-Sep-16 07:23:13

Surely when sex is lacking, there is a problem and I can see right through your writing that you are not happy and that there are problems stirring in your relationship, ready to develop into a storm. Face them now, while they are still manageable.

youarenotkiddingme Tue 27-Sep-16 07:24:00

This will sound blunt. But I totally empathise as been there.

But seriously, get some cocktails, lay by the pool getting a tan, smoke when you want - then find someone who deserves you when you get home.

flowers wine

Whoooodat Tue 27-Sep-16 07:28:18

Assume you are not married?

If you are struggling on a 5* Caribbean holiday then I think there's no hope. The lack of sex alone is enough to call it a day. Don't drag it out, just cut your losses when you get back.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet Tue 27-Sep-16 07:51:45

It is a little odd to want to stop for a drink when you're already on your way out for a drink. Why did you?

But if he won't even kiss you something even odder is going on on his side and you need to sort it out or cut your losses.

CoYoAddict Tue 27-Sep-16 08:00:54

Yes Lady I'm thinking the OPneeded that fag a bit more urgently than she's letting on!

Perhaps her partner is getting increasingly irritated by her insistence that she's only an occasional social smoker when she's deluding herself?

Anyway, in the scheme of things I think they have bigger problems than that. At only three years in with no children, someone who wouldn't give up smoking for me knowing how revolting I find it might actually be enough to make me walk away. Especiallyif they didn't do it around me when I met them and it's been allowed to creep in more and more once familiarity starts to breed contempt, , with me being told that I am controlling to complain about it.

hermione2016 Tue 27-Sep-16 08:06:39

Partner rather than married? A big warning is that you can't talk about issues.You don't have sex or affection so something is going on.Do you feel he is punishing you?

2 years is typically when you know if a relationship will work.It seems yours doesn't.At this stage I would not invest anymore, it's not likely that get better.
What is keeping you in the relationship?

CalmItKermitt Tue 27-Sep-16 08:07:32

What youarenotkiddingme said.

Fairylea Tue 27-Sep-16 08:21:04

What CoYo said. Smoking was a deal breaker for me in my previous marriage. Ex dh gave up when he met me then gradually started again and I couldn't stand it. He constantly smelt of smoke, his clothes smelt of smoke, everything was about popping out for a smoke etc. And he hardly smoked! I completely went off him. May be a red herring but you never know....

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