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am I doing the right thing /wwyd

(88 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 12:29:09

Hi all

I'm going to try and keep this short but don't want to drip feed.

I have a history of being in abusive relationships and suffering dv and emotional abuse.

I am currently free of this in the physical sense but emotionally I still suffer in the deepest part of my soul with that worthlessness (not sure if thays actually a word) that sense of maybe I deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good mum, I have great friends, I'm good at my job in all those senses I have great self worth and confidence but having ensured 10 years of abuse, dv, and mental torture I just can't shake the feeling that maybe that's what I deserve (i don't voice this to anyone and I hope over time it will pass)

Last night a male friend (not sure if this is relevant) that knows the most basic details said a couple of things to me.

"Your going to take this the wrong way but, I have thought sometimes that maybe you deserved what he did to you"

"I've wanted to crack you one, before now and id NEVER hit a women" (not true btw manh years ago he threatened his then girl friend with a bat)

"Have you thought that maybe you're the problem"

I was very shocked to hear this, he was sobber btw.

Today I'm really tearful and struggling to hold it together (i know that's pathetic) I feel like I've been judged and someone else thinks the same way I do, maybe I did deserve it, maybe I am the problem????

I don't know how else to take what he said?

I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again.

I kind of what to say something to him to change his mind / let him know how much he hurt me, but I'm afraid I'll just come over pathetic.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and juding me as it being my fault (ridiculous because very few people even know I am the last person you would think of as a battered wife)

I feel so alone and like I want to sit in a dark corner and just let the world get on without me.

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 12:29:37

Oh thats not short in the least. Sorry

Dontlikejam Tue 26-Jul-16 12:31:47

That is abuser talk. Straight up. Don't ever talk to him again, block him etc etc. Is he trying to line you up for a relationship, I wonder?

BorpBorpBorp Tue 26-Jul-16 12:32:45

What he said was appalling. I would cut the friendship and not speak to him again. You are not responsible for the abuse you suffered.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 26-Jul-16 12:33:18

He's a twat.

Don't speak to him ever again and drop him from your life.

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 12:34:04

Yes I think he is / was trying to line me up for a relationship.

tectonicplates Tue 26-Jul-16 12:34:24

Appalling. You don't need this "friend" anywhere near you. I agree that he might be lining you up for a relationship. Get away now. No ifs, no buts.

DesignedForLife Tue 26-Jul-16 12:35:44

Drop him. He's not a friend, he's a potentially dangerous person who threatened a girl with a baseball bat. That's not normal or ok.

What he said to you is bollocks. No one deserves to be abused and mentally tortured. No one. Not you. Not anyone. Run a mile from him and fine some nice positive people for your life.

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 12:36:15

So it's not just me being senstive or something it really is an horrid thing to say? It felt like I was being emotionally abused tbh but obviously I know that's really emotive and didn't want to put it in my op.

tectonicplates Tue 26-Jul-16 12:37:20

Oh, and even if he's only a friend atm: do not stick around just in case he changes. Do not waste your energy trying to change his mind. Leave the situation immediately.

willconcern Tue 26-Jul-16 12:39:11

My advice would be to never speak ti this nasty piece of work ever again. Remove him from your life.

Have you read 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. If not, I recommend you do. It was an eye opener for me.

It's not about you, it's about him.

tectonicplates Tue 26-Jul-16 12:39:37

No, OP, you're not just being sensitive. Telling someone they deserve abuse is ALWAYS an appalling thing to say. Leave now.

Ouriana Tue 26-Jul-16 12:41:48

How could you possibly be the problem?

Ive been in relationships before

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Tue 26-Jul-16 12:43:29

You DID NOT deserve what happened to you.

Normal people don't feel like cracking someone one when they get annoyed by them. They walk away/end the relationship/agree to disagree/whatever.

This is him trying to groom you imo.

Please have a look at the freedom programme and give it a try. It is very easy to get sucked into a cycle of abusive relationships (been there) when you don't feel like you're worth more flowers

facebookrecruit Tue 26-Jul-16 12:45:20

He's a nasty cunt. Cut him out of your life immediately OP. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way flowers

Ouriana Tue 26-Jul-16 12:46:15

Sorry DD pressed post!

Ive been in relationships where Ive had screaming rows and wanted to thump them.

So I left. I didnt threaten them with a bat to make them behave or change. Thats not normal behaviour. Its abusive fuckwit behaviour.

If you were that bad your ex could have left, but he didnt. He chose to be with you and chose to be abusive.
That is not normal behaviour and your friend sounds like another abusive fuckwit trying to minimise this behaviour.

FruitBadger Tue 26-Jul-16 12:46:18

I'm fortunate to have never experienced any form of DV, so in that sense I feel my opinion is likely not to be clouded, if that's what your worried about from your point of view?

What he said is not normal or acceptable in any way at all.

Horehound Tue 26-Jul-16 12:47:10

Jesus - ditch this person. block phone numbers, delete off social media and never speak to him again! He is NOT your friend.

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 12:57:26

Ok, thank you everyone I have read all your wise words. Ok so block him, I can do that, just block him everywhere.

Why would it be me being a problem? It's just something that was said over and over and over to me in every different way possible. You make me behave like this, if you were better, nicer, prettier, less annoying, cleaned the house better, it's something that get bored into your soul. After a while your so broken that you start believing it (or I did) that's what makes it so hard to leave you get to a point where it's almost like trying to break free of your own mind.

I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve any of the things that were done to me (maybe if I keep repeating it it will sink in)

Willconcern, no I haven't read it but I'll order it on Amazon prime and make start. Thank you for the recommendation.

cheeseandmarmite15 Tue 26-Jul-16 13:00:05

Even if you were a complete bitch you would not deserve physical violence.

A real man walks away to cool off rather than 'crack one' on his girl friend.

Your friend sounds like a complete twat.

Lemond1fficult Tue 26-Jul-16 13:00:48

'You're going to take this the wrong way but...' Is a lead-up to gaslighting.

I.e Saying something awful whilst making you doubt yourself by telling you your feelings and reactions are wrong.

Your reaction was 100% right. Trust your instincts. He is not your friend. He is a potential abuser

You don't deserve violence or abuse from anyone, for any reason.

horseygeorgie1 Tue 26-Jul-16 13:07:57

Jeez what a twat.

No one deserves abuse. Even when you have been furious with someone I'm betting you never threatened them with a bat! Because functioning, normal people don't. Block.

I hope you manage to find a way forward. Have you maybe considered some counselling to try and get these feelings in order a bit? xx

2protecttheinnocent Tue 26-Jul-16 13:16:58

I think some counselling might help. I've stayed away from it because it was one of the things my ex would do, take me to couples counselling he would just use it to get more torture in with the back up of "professionals" so I've don't have a whole lot of trust in therapist but there must be a good one somewhere. I also find it really hard to trust people I tend to be quite shut off emotionally (probably self defence).

redgoat Tue 26-Jul-16 13:22:50

He's an abuser and you are developing your self esteem which has enabled you to see it. You need to give yourself credit for that. X

Snuggledbythefire Tue 26-Jul-16 13:23:13

He is not your friend. He's a dick. A potentially abusive sad little dick.
Please please block him on all media/phone etc. Make someone in real life that you trust aware of what's he has said. Maybe see your GP for some counselling and mention it to them.

You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. You didn't. You never asked for it. You never did anything wrong.

I'm glad you've ordered that book. Onwards my lovely flowers

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