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So apparently I've just ruined dp's birthday...

(78 Posts)
Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 20:34:02

Dp and I have been together nearly 8 years it's has been a bit rocky at times but we've come together and moved on. Well I say that today is dp's birthday, he doesn't like a great fuss so just an ordinary day with work. He loves lamb so I thought I'd get some lamb steaks for dinner. Got in and he's just as quiet as yesterday. I started the dinner and he comes and asks me if I would mind if he had something else, he'd do his own stuff. I was surprised as lamb is his favourite. He then complained that the steaks were really thin and not proper. I had paid £10 for 4 m&s steaks so that he could have three if he so wished or there would be enough for leftover lunch!!! I didn't say this, I just kept calm. The thing is, he has been quiet since Monday night when he had a strop, we were having sex and when I changed position he tried to force my head in the direction he wanted me to go. I absolutely hate that and has made him aware of this before. He said that I like it but I insisted no and told him that instead he should tell me what he wanted, he got out of bed and slammed the door ( he had had a few beer). So when he all of a sudden has a problem with a lamb dinner I thought there is more to it. I calmly asked if he's alright and if this had anything to do with the other night. He started swearing about the steaks and how rubbish there were (they are so not) and said that if he had a problem with the other night he'd say so, well from experience I know that this is not the case, he can stew over things for days and I have addressed this before telling him I'm not a mind reader and refuse to walk on egg shells. I said that I was just checking and if he's in a quiet mood that's fine. I packed the food away as I quite frankly wasn't in the mood to cook anything (in fact I felt like screaming my head off but that would just make the situation worse). I went to the bedroom to read. He started banging doors and eventually I got up and asked what's going on but got no answer. He then decided to go to bed, and as I picked up my book and closed the door I heard him say something so I opened the door again and asked if he said something. He answered yes thank you for ruining my birthday bitch. I was gobsmacked, he's never talked to me like that before! I preceded to then open the door and shouted don't you ever talk to me like that again and then wait for it... finished with a "your bastard". Oh dear I feel I let myself down by saying that last part...
AIBU?? I don't think so but what do I do?

Thattimeofyearagain Wed 13-Jul-16 21:19:23

He sounds like bloody hard work. Forcing your head into performing a sex act ? confused.

pictish Wed 13-Jul-16 21:25:21

I agree he sounds hard work and like the sort of person who is never happy. Complaining about the steaks was petty and ungracious - he just wanted to piss on whatever you had done for him.
I don't like the sound of you having your head forced either.

BathshuaSpooner Wed 13-Jul-16 21:30:35

He is an abusive twat. Please think about yourself and how you wish to proceed with your relationship. He throws a strop after trying to force a sex act on you and tosses "Bitch" into the mix? You deserve better, my dear.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Wed 13-Jul-16 21:32:37

Apparently your DP is an arse.

He needs to grow up and learn to communicate about issues properly not like a sulky toddler. Sorry OP I don't think you did anything unreasonable, he's just looking to punish you for not giving him what he wanted (assume BJ?) so that you're more likely to comply next time in bed. Uurgh.

Greenandmighty Wed 13-Jul-16 21:34:20

Don't like the sound of this at all, Keeponmoving03, on several counts: the forcing your head especially knowing you have objected before and also the generally belligerent behaviour around the meal and his final insult. OK you calls him a bastard but you've been pretty tolerant IMO up until then. Is there anything going on for him? Is he depressed or does he have any worries or problems currently? He sounds really hard work. Has he changed or was he always this way?

NickiFury Wed 13-Jul-16 21:35:20

Dear God what a disgusting individual.

I read that OP and had a feeling of overwhelming relief for my single status. You know, don't you, that there is no need whatsoever to be living this life with this horrible person. You only get one life, do you really want to be spending it with him?

Coconutty Wed 13-Jul-16 21:37:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sixinabed Wed 13-Jul-16 21:40:02

YANBU, he is being an arse.

NapQueen Wed 13-Jul-16 21:40:48

Is this the first time he has ever tried to manipulate you into a position you don't want to be in?

I sincerely hope not but I imagine overall he is a selfish man when it comes to the bedroom..

Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:41:40

Yeah I really don't understand why he did that, he's done it before but not for years, he'd normally whisper what he'd like and I have no problem with a bd but not like that... He doesn't have any contact with his family and I suspect this might have played on his mind today, which I can understand but I don't want to be guessing what's going on in his head... We've been trying for a baby for two years but if this continues I can't see how we can work as a team looking after a dear little baby. I'm also really annoyed with myself for shouting bastard at him as I feel like by that I lowered my standards...

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 13-Jul-16 21:42:03

He's not a nice man.

Do you want to stay married to a person who wants to force you into sex acts and calls you a bitch? There are honestly better ways to live your life.

Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:44:14

napqueen he's done it once before a few years ago but he's definitely not selfish in bed quite the opposite really.

NeedACleverNN Wed 13-Jul-16 21:45:08

When you said force your head how do you mean?

Like try to make you go down on him?

An ex partner did that to me so I bit down. He didn't do it again and we broke up not long after.

He sounds like an utter bastard though

He sounds like very hard work. He's annoyed with you 48 hours later about sex, which is just disgusting.

Use your anger with him now to pack your bag (or his) and be done.

If you wait, it'll just fade away, until he decides to be an arse again, which is a certainty, and by then you could be pregnant and it's not so easy.

ApocalypseSlough Wed 13-Jul-16 21:45:19

What's tying you to him?

AtSea1979 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:45:25

YANBU.
It sounds like an isolated issue. Ignore him until it blows over but if he does it again stay calm and pack.

Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:52:28

greenandmighty yes he's had no contact with his family for about 10 years, he doesn't want to due to a lot of drama in the past and admits a lot of it was his fault but he's changed and I think they would see that but he doesn't think so. So he has days where he is very quiet but not rude or anything which I don't have a problem with as long as I know. If we argue he tends to sulk or overreach and suggest we split up but later regrets it. I'm 38 and he's 44 today, I live him to bits but God he can be hard work...

FuriousFate Wed 13-Jul-16 21:53:40

So he's sulking cos you wouldn't give him a b-job? How old is he?! Leave him, OP. He sounds abusive and you deserve better.

Dontlaugh Wed 13-Jul-16 21:53:39

From what you've written, no, he hasn't actually changed. Not one bit.

NapQueen Wed 13-Jul-16 21:54:36

Is he worth the hard work?

Heidi42 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:54:55

OP I am not condoning his behaviour but I am wondering if he is upset over still trying for a baby after two years . Men are strange he may feel his masculinity is in question . You need to have a good talk and sort this all out asap . Good luck.

Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:59:48

NeedACleverNN yeah he just wanted my to go down on him, he was a bit tipsy so pushed my head but when I pulled away he held on to me which I couldn't deal with. I think he probably knows that his behaviour wasn't okay but instead of acknowledging this by saying something he keeps quiet. Then again he could very well have been quite because he's upset and misses his family but he's not the greatest at communicating. This we have discussed over the years and he does usually make an effort.

angryangryyoungwoman Wed 13-Jul-16 22:03:40

He is abusive

Keeponmoving03 Wed 13-Jul-16 22:04:06

Thanks Heidi42 yeah I've calmed down a bit, his SA came back normal last year but when I occasionally turn him down for sex he takes it really personal.

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