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too scared to report dv attack ( unpleasant details of injuries)(266 Posts)
Five weeks ago I was viciously assaulted twice in one night by my partner. I don't know what the protocol is for posting details about assaults - I do know that since I was hurt, every time domestic violence is mentioned, on the tv, in papers etc. I find it very stressful, so I don't want to upset or offend anyone who might be in a similar or worse situation. I do know the injuries I suffered are much less serious than those inflicted on some women but I desperately need advice.
After saying goodbye to friends after spending a nice night out, my partner who was very drunk, pushed me over onto my back in a car park, there had been no argument preceding this, but there had been some stress in the relationship for the month or so before after I discovered that he had lied both to me (about the person he was) and about me in order to shift blame to me for something he had done. By my own admission, although we hadn't argued about this I had gone on like a broken record, asking why he had lied to me and about me - mainly because I didn't understand how a partner could do that. I'd also told him a few home truths about his behaviour - he told me this put him under great stress. We have been together for three years and in that time there has been no serious violence although there was an occasion where he kicked me multiple times bruising my leg and another time when he shoved me. On this occasion I ended up with black bruised elbows, cuts to my hands from the gravel and feeling very battered and bruised. I was obviously upset and shouted at him to go away and leave me alone - he took a taxi back home. After wandering around in shock for a while I stupidly did the same.
I had been through the door only a few minutes and was still wearing my coat when my partner launched himself at me and knocked me to the floor in the hall by the front door. He was on top of me, grabbed my head (by my hair I think) and slammed it into the skirting board. We have very large oak skirting boards. I remember feeling dizzy and sick and knowing that something wasn't quite right with the side of my head. I tried to lift my head to tell him this, I remember it being very hard to do because in retrospect I know I was concussed..I managed to lift my head a few inches at which point he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head down two or three times into the floor. I know I blacked out for a short time. When I came to and struggled to get up I noticed a large dark patch on the carpet and remember at first being very confused about what it was until realising it was blood. I managed to crawl away to the end of the hallway by the bathroom and just lay curled up on the floor - I know I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I don't know how long I was there, maybe 15 minutes. When i managed to lift my head I saw that my partner was by the front door trying to clean up the blood from the floor and the wall where there were bloody hand prints (i'd touched my head before using the wall to haul myself up). I know it sounds pathetic, but I haven't had a head injury before and I didn't know how much the scalp can bleed and I thought I was on my way out...I remember asking to go to hospital and also asking my partner to tell my Mum I loved her. I think I blacked out again and recall my partner calmly removing my boots, putting them in their usual place and the returning to cleaning. I have no idea why he would remove my boots and he since says that although he remembers cleaning up the blood he cannot remember removing my boots. He has also since said that he was cleaning up the blood due to being in a state of shock and when we saw a counsellor together a few weeks after the attack, she said this can happen.
I finally managed stress that i wanted to go to hospital enough that he could help me and he called an uber taxi on my phone. We went together to the hospital but once there I said I wanted to go in myself. I stupidly lied and said that I had fallen over while drunk and the wound in the side of my head was glued / stitched.
The next day I was very fragile and had bruising and pain all over my body from being pushed or held down, my throat was very sore from being grabbed and remained so for a week or two although there was no bruising to the throat. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover physically and in this time I visited my GP to check the huge lump on the back of my head (because of the amount of blood on the side of my head i hadn't even realised the back of my head was injured when I went to A and E and they didn't check that area) and told her the truth.
I know this sounds pathetic. I know this post and me being here and eating dinner and watching tv with my partner after the attack and not reporting it sounds like a joke and I have no excuse or sensible reason for not leaving...I can't explain it myself.
I have called the domestic violence helpline and spoken to my GP and as I have gradually started to come out of shock and realise that he has committed a serious crime I am feeling such an anger. Some of this anger has come out verbally...eg 'how could you leave me lying there' 'why did you do it' etc etc. again I have gone on like a broken record because I am struggling to understand but because this stresses him, now I feel like I am emotionally abusing him!.
Two weeks ago I was struggling to try and accept what had happened and I said that I wished I could report the assault. My partner immediately called his older sister. I have posted to mumsnet before and ironically it was about this older sister bullying me. I don't know whether I sound unhinged to be suddenly having problems with two people in the space of a year but in all honesty I am well over thirty, have lived with more than one partner since leaving home and I have never before had any conflict either with them, their families or friends..I've never fallen out with anyone at work or been over sensitive.
The older sister immediately called my partners parents and gave them the impression that the violence went both ways. I know this because my partners mum immediately called him and she has quite a loud voice so i could hear what she was saying...i also spoke to her myself and she said the sister said we had been 'fighting' not only did the sister give her parents this impression but she invented an imaginary story about why we were arguing (there had been no argument).
At the moment I seem to be swinging between anger (and wanting to report what happened) and fear. Although i am not physically afraid of my partners sister I am frightened of her emotionally - for most of last week I developed a paranoia that I myself would end up in prison if she invented stories about me being the aggressor. I know this sounds insane, however I can only imagine its part of me being a stupid pathetic deluded victim and in shock - I have also become isolated from friends and family and have no one close by at all. Another strange thing was that despite my injuries (I now have a ringing in my ear that wont go away and constant nausea and nightmares) I seem to have become more fixated on trying to understand why my partner did this and what issues he might have, than my own safety. I also became very concerned about the fact this parents and been lied to by the sister and asked him to call them and explain that there was no provocation - I dont know why I give a Sh@? about what they think - i don't...but it was more the being lied about. Even I know that my concern should be my safety and not what the family of my attacker think and I can't explain it.
My partner did call his parents to set them straight - he didnt admit to the full assault but said he had pushed me in an argument and I'd fallen... after this his mum asked me to come to lunch and his dad told my partner 'these things happen'. Neither apologized for what had happened to me. My partner said that this is because they didn't know how to deal with the situation. They seem very much more concerned with him.
I'm worried that if I report the assault my partners family will try and cover for him...he is practically middle aged, but they treat him like a hapless child who has a lot of stress...he was married some years ago and had an affair and even then they treated him like the poor victim. My partner is very quiet and shy and apparently gentle in public....and I am scared that no one will believe me if I report the attack - or that the sister who seems to hate me for no apparent reason will lie. Im scared she might say I threatened him or attacked him..this makes me feel so victimised and I'm struggling to accept the unfairness because during the attack i didn't even have a chance to defend myself and certainly didn't hurt him.
I just wondered if anyone else had felt fear about report an attack due to the threat of not being believed. I suffered from slight depression last year after being ill with a thyroid illness and did ask the GP for anti depressants - I'm worried this will be dragged up and they will make me look like some kind of nutter.
Due to the attack I asked my partner to go to counselling...he has been alone and we've been together. I think the counsellor is blaming the attack on my partners anxiety. In the joint session my partner was honest with the therapist and told her the full details of the attack.
I know all this sounds stupid...I know people will say to walk away or man up and I agree...I never thought I'd be so pathetic. But the intimidation feel from this family is bigger than my confidence and the possibility that as a victim i myself might be accused of something I haven't done or being accused of emotional abuse myself (i had moaned on and on about my partner lying to me and this is what led him to be so stressed) frightens me so much I can hardly sleep. I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
But if you leave him then what he or his family think say or do is of no concern to you.
I realise I am lucky to have never dealt with this and so am not really in a position to advise but I can reassure you that no one will think you're pathetic.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was a violent attack. Please please try to distance yourself from this man and his family, they're no good for you either.
You need to report him and get out of the relationship.
I've been there and it just gets worse. Who cares what his family thinks, they will be no concern to you when you leave. My ex's family tried saying I'd lied about the DV etc, but I held my head high and I knew the truth.
Get out before you are even more badly injured
Just move out. You don't have children & he & his family are foul to you. It's easy to say & hard to do but you really do need to look after yourself & leave him
Fuck me. Sorry but don't waste another moment on that Councillor. What a useless DV pacifying piece of shit.
Get out. Gather what you can and get yourself to a refuge as far away from this man as possible.
Get you hospital records tell the police you lied because you were with him but he did this. Tell them his family are threatening you.
Next time you may be killed.
Oh you poor thing
Please get away from this man
He's done it once he can do it again and what if next time he leaves you bleeding on the floor you never get back up
Have you thought through how you might go about leaving?
I'm so sorry, what he did was unforgivable.
What reason do you have to stay with him?
And who is this counsellor who seems to accept that what he did was fine and he was a bit in shock?!?!
Please please leave
The counsellor sounds awful - dv is not acceptable.
Your partner sounds awful. And without remorse
And it will happen again if you stay.
Make a plan to get out.
You need to end this relationship before he kills you.
Forget any joint counselling with this violent man.
Ask to speak to a domestic violence officer at your local police station.
So sorry this is happening to you. Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline for support but yes, you must report it. The police can put you in touch with people who can support you in your local area.
You will be believed.
No reputable counsellor will make excuses for DV. Yours sounds dreadful.
Look love, please just leave. It won't get better and he will do it again. Being terrified of the man who is supposed to cherish you is no way to live.
Who gives a toss what he or his family thinks? You can go far far away and never see any of them again. You don't have kids with him so you can make a clean break.
Phone women's aid today and starting to make a plan. Do you have money of your own?
Fucking hell love
What do you think his family can do to you? First thing is you need to report it to the police. I'm sure he didn't remove any trace of the bloodstain and you have evidence from the hospital and GP of how vicious the attack was.
The police will help you get hi away from you. Then you tell friends and family and rally support from everywhere. Block his cuntish family from contacting you and be safe.
Have you spoken to Women's Aid or used any of their online resources? I think if you did you would find out that your reactions are quite normal, even if they are ones that fail to protect you properly. There is also an amazing Ted Talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why victims of domestic violence don't leave.
The first thing is that you must never see this counsellor again. She is colluding with him in the abuse. He cleaned up all the blood so that he could pretend this had never happened, or that it was nowhere near as bad as you remembered it. Not because he was in shock.
The second thing is that as far as possible you must stop talking about this event with him and with his family. They have no interest in your welfare and simply want to pressure you into silence. Let them think they have won. This may buy you enough time to get your thoughts straight, to start planning your exit and gathering your resources together.
I think Women's Aid will be able to talk you through the process of reporting the assault; the views of his sister and parents will have no bearing on this as none of them witnessed anything. I don't believe the police will wish to speak to them during the investigation. However, what they can do is bully you into changing your testimony, so I think it would be safer to report it once you are safe from further harm, or at least report it and have him removed from the property as a result.
Have you spoken to your own parents or friends? Of course you have become isolated from them, that's what abusers do. But you can reconnect with them, especially in the light of what has happened. Can you get away?
Please don't stay because of how other people might talk about you if you leave. It only matters what you think. Of course his family will blame you and claim you turned a fight into an assault to put the blame on him. It doesn't matter what they say. You had a serious head injury, you have medical evidence, and you know what happened.
He could have killed you.
He knew immediately that you were seriously injured and was more concerned about himself than getting you to a hospital.
You have to leave, this will escalate. Kicking you repeatedly was you first warning, this is the final one.
Oh you poor thing. How awful. What he has done is unforgiveableable. He could have killed you. If you stay and he loses it again your life could be at risk. Please leave him. His family are hopeless but not your concern. This is between you and him, whatever web of lies he has spun. Contact a refuge and domestic violence helpline. Report him. Please leave. If you stay and he attacks you again...I don't want to think of it. Please go hon. He is very cold and calculated and sounds, frankly, capable of anything. Please, please leave him and go to a refuge or similar. You poor thing to have suffered such cruelty at the hands of this awful man. Please don't go to counselling with him either....he is a liar and also emotionally abusing you....which is awful as well. Please leave when you can do so safely. A friend of mine in a similar situation did and she's never looked back. He was her DH. His family sided with him. The police sided with her. She just walked empty handed away one day....says it's best thing she ever did and saved her. Please get help and get away to protection and safety. xx
OP this man is horrible, he is minimising / excusing his violence. it doesn't matter what his family think of you. If you leave, which I really hope you will, because otherwise you will face repeated abuse, then once you walk out of the door you need have nothing more to do with any of them.
Please stay safe.
From my own experience of dv, these are the key things I learned. It took me ages to work them out and mostly after we split, but I hope they help you now.
1. The biggest and most important thing to learn is that this is his problem. I too did the broken record thing of asking 'why' because in reality I wanted to adjust my behaviour so it wouldn't happen again, or help him adjust his. This is a totally pointless exercise. He will never explain why because he doesn't want to lose the woman in his life who cares for him in some way. I realised that some people just think in a very different way. It is all about how to get people to do things the way they want them done. They will use a whole host of tactics to achieve this ranging from being 'nice' and giving presents, to using punishments to coerce your behaviour like telling you off, calling you names, making you feel like shit, kicking you and finally an almighty massive beating if you are on the verge of standing up for yourself and he wants to ensure you aren't going to leave. So stop asking him 'why' because he will never explain all of the above to you - it would be of no benefit to him.
2. Also, you need to accept he does not have the ability to love anyone in a caring way. He sees things as about how much he can get from someone. ALthough this can involve 'caring' actions, they are really tactics to get you to behave the way he wants (loving towards him) and not purely for your benefit. Nothing he does will ever be about what you need/want. They are always going to be about what he wants...even if the y seem to be 'kind' actions.
3. About the 'arguments' as you say you did not argue with him, he attacked you. He will always want them to be framed as 'arguments' because he won't want to face the truth that he is probably someone with a personality disorder. He might explore the idea a bit because he may have shocked himself by the fact that he thought he'd killed you (sorry, that is why he was cleaning up the mess and putting your shoes to one side - so it looked like you had an 'accident' just in case you didn't wake up). So he may have been honest to the counsellor to find out if he is a pyschopath or not. However, the counsellor is unlikely to tell him this.
4. Never have joint counselling with an abusive partner. Your joint counsellor is shit for letting this happen. DOn't use them again.
5. You are not oversensitive.
6. His family and friends will all minimise what happened because people can't cope with the truth that someone can be that mindlessly cruel, especially their brother or son. You will never get his family or friends to accept what happened.
7. The police have seen women time and time again in your situation and know all of the tactics an abuser and their family use to stop the abused person speaking out. The abuser always says 'she was mentally ill'. You can use this as evidence too - your depression was caused by his abuse. He knows this and his family know this and they will try and convince you it will be used against you, so you don't cite it, but in reality all you doctor's notes will show evidence of ongoing abuse - emotional as well as physical.
So I would leave immediately, taking your most important possessions, and go back to somewhere safe. Without telling him in advance. He thought he had killed you and could have done. I would say you need to do this for yourself. Once you are away from him, you can reframe his actions without trying to understand them in teerms of him having a normal personality. He doesn't. This is the key to your recovery.
Him and his family are bullying you and if you stay they will bully you your whole life.
Your injuries are documented and it doesnt matter what his sister or parents say they were not there. Police wont care what they say.
You need to repirt it. If a stranger had done that to you you would not hesitate to call the police.
I know you are scared but the fear you must have felt while it was happening and the fear you will have waiting for it to happen again outwieghs it.
You have to think of you now.
I want to add that what you are doing is perfectly natural response to trauma - you are trying to understand why it happened and looking for some genuine care from him/his family. You will never get this from him or his family. He thinks in a different way to you. He has no control over this - it is probably some form of personality disorder.
You could have been dying and he didn't seek any help for you. He's been more concerned about himself and getting his family to validate him.
This won't be a one off and next time it could be worse.
Please leave him.
Please leave him. The latest assault could easily have killed you. It's not up to you to understand or fix his problems, he's dangerous, please contact Women's Aid and get out of there!
Please get away from him. He is very dangerous and I'm sorry to say this but someone as violent as that could very well end up killing you.
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