Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Massive argument(82 Posts)
Please help, i feel totally crushed. I have a 12 week old baby I'm a FTM and have no family here. My DM is dead and so have limited support. The baby is generally not much trouble but giving background. My DH is amazing with him and they are have a great bond. We have argued in the past and went to counselling for a few sessions with relate whilst pregnant as we had a big row while Pg but things have been good and we are generally very happy and in love since DS came along. Fast forward to Sunday night, i had my first night out and first proper time apart from DS who is EBF. DH came to pub with me and i did a feed at 8 and he left and i was home by 11 so not very long. I text DH a few times asking for an update and when he replied eventually he said baby wouldnt settle, only took 2 oz of ebm and was screaming. I immediately replied I'm leaving now and got up to go, tbh we were all done by then so went to get cab, nightmare as BH, got one but was hyper with worry. He called and said its fine now and i asked about food he said ill tell you when you get home. Got home ran upstairs DS sound asleep, then looked of DH he came out of the loo said everything was fine. I admit i over reacted, it was my first time away from my son since he was born and i was so worried. I had a bit of a go about the lack of text messages and i was told off for sending "short" messages, he said you don't trust me with the baby. I said i did, which i fully do but felt i was having a normal maternal response. Anyways we argued and it go out of hand with my husband really loosing it, he called me a fucking bitch and said he regrets ever marrying me. I was so hurt i took to the bedroom and he went to the bathroom crying. He was clearly really upset and he apologised profusely and said he didn't mean it but i was really hurt and said well it had to come from somewhere. He locked himself in the bathroom and i could hear him crying so i went down and made him sweet tea and gave it to him, he threw it away. and we bickered again. went to bed, we slept apart for the first time ever. I know i shouted and thats his absolute red flag, i need to try harder not to but it was a mess. in the morning i brought him a cuppa and the baby for a cuddle and he said he felt awful very ashamed etc we did hug but things were cool and at 4pm he went off to work away, he's back tonight at 8 and we have argued on the phone and by text. i feel totally alone and hurt and he's cold with me. I said i love you and he said my comments were glib and he didn't feel like communicating with me. He said he's dreading coming home and is only doing so out of responsibility for our son. I said i had looked at flights to my home country and he rang and accused me of kidnapping the child and that if i took him out the country without his permission there would be consequences. i can't believe he thinks so little of me. I meant to go home for a few days to clear the air, and frankly i couldnt face travelling even if i wanted to go but the thought that he would think this of me. i said i felt he might leave me and he rationalised that he wouldnt because he wouldn't see his son. Nothing about me, love our relationship etc. I feel despondent and he has made an appointment for tomorrow for the relate councillor again, i think he won't talk to me until we are with her and i feel he's using her as a referee.
Obviously he has his own version of events but i feel really worried for the future of our marriage and feel totally heartbroken. Thanks if you've read this far.
Do e apologised - a lot - and did so again in the morning.
Why on earth did this not put a stop to it?
Why continue to argue by phone and text?
Who started the argument again?
Seems very strange.
I left my ExH because he called my DD and me a 'responsibility'
Fuck that - I'm no-one's responsibility and that was the end of that!
How far away is your home country?
So he are the opening 2 words - sorry about that!
Do you love him? Are you close normally?
It sounds very much like he felt undermined by your messaging and then being angry with him. He shouldn't have said what he said, but perhaps some calm chat is in order when he gets home?
What were you arguing about whilst he was at work? Was it the same argument as the day before?
Saying this as gently as possible - but you did say (out of anger it seems) that you looked at flights home, so that probably was a red rag to him.
I think you should try to find a calm time to talk it through, seems like you both may be saying things you don't actually mean.
How long have you been together?
I think you were unreasonable to rage at him when the baby was fine.
It sounds as though you don't trust your dh to look after your dc properly and that will cause friction.
See how it goes with the councillor and take it from there.
Home is 50 mins away on a plane not another continent but I agree that the arguments should have been parked at the night before. I was very hurt and tried to make amends. We didn't fight while he was working but in the evening etc. I was alone caring for the baby. I do love him and we are normally close and I think a good team. Any arguments he is quite fatalistic about. I absolutely trust him but it was a first for me and as I'm breastfeeding I felt awful that he was crying for food and wouldn't take the bottle.
On the original argument, I can see both sides. I don't have kids, but if I were babysitting my godson and his mum spent the whole night texting for updates, then rushed home 'hyper with worry' and ran upstairs to make sure he was still alive as soon as she got home, I have to think I'd be slightly offended. And that would be me as a babysitter, but this isn't a babysitter - it's his dad. So I can see why he'd be a little upset at you reacting like this. On the other hand, it was your first night out with a 12 week-old baby at home, and even childless me knows how big a deal that can be for a new mother, so your husband should have been far more understanding about your stresses and worries. In an ideal world, you would both have apologised for your reactions and that would have been that.
Everything that's happened since sounds like one of those classic situations where it starts off being about one thing, but then suddenly it's about everything else. It seems like there's a LOT going on here, but please remember, you have a 12 week old baby! You must both be exhausted and emotions must be running really high. Going to speak to the counsellor sounds like a really good idea, and hopefully you'll be able to put this fight behind you once you've managed to talk things out in a more neutral environment. Good luck!
So.... He called you a fucking bitch but it was you who made him a cup of sweet tea whilst he cried in the bathroom (which he threw away because he was upset at you for pulling him up on the fucking bitch comment) and it continued to be you doing all the running around, trying to make up the argument the following day. And you shouting at him is one of his "red flags" are you allowed to have any red flags of your own? What does red flag mean in this context? Does it mean something you do which then excuses any poor behaviour on his part as it was retaliation/you pushed his buttons - sorry, that may be me massively projecting but if that is the case then I think your relationship has serious problems. For what it is worth I think he was quite clearly in the wrong in this arguement overall. If he is normally a decent guy and this is a one of I think it could be excused under new baby stress/tiredness/misunderstandings. If it is part of a pattern though then it doesnt sound good...
I'd have said you were a pair of sleep-deprived drama queens, but he called you 'a fucking bitch'? Disgraceful. I cannot imagine a nice man saying that to his wife. Forgive the question, but was he responding tit for tat to a similar insult from you?
I get that you were feeling anxious but you had a 'bit of a go' at him and shouted.Be honest with yourself were you very unreasonable ? Have you previously been argumentative with him? I don't think you had a normal maternal response being angry with him when he had obviously tried to ensure you had a good night.
Did you apologise? I suspect that he feels counselling is a good forum to raise issues with you so he has been proactive.
That said you are also both sleep deprived so don't rush to make decisions or make rash comments.
If you're going to behave like that when you go out then you're not ready to go out yet.
And tbh I think you both sound as bad as each other - him using dreadful language, you hinting at flying off out of the country (you can't honestly say you weren't saying that to make him worried), him going on about dreading coming home. Pair of sleep-deprived drama queens as per a pp is about right. You both sound overwhelmed with the change to your lives and lashing out, but it also sounds as if it is a habit in your marriage to ramp up the drama and emotionally blackmail each other. Which must be more exhausting than having a newborn.
Counselling a very good idea. And this stage will pass.
Early baby days are so hard. You are both knackered and stressed.
The original argument - I think you were in the wrong. He was looking after the baby. Having a go about lack of texts is really unreasonable. It does sound like you don't trust him. He had a difficult evening with the baby and you got pissy with him.
He was absolutely wrong to speak to you the way he did. And you were wrong to tell him you were flying home with his child. You knew what you were doing.
If the relationship is generally good, counselling may be a good idea. But you both have to stop saying things that have sole purpose of hurting each other.
You were both in the wrong here.
Thanks for the insights. We went to the councillor today and Tbh I think he feels he didn't get as much out of it as he wanted. She focused quite a bit on my issues and I think he felt he didn't fully get to express how absolutely disparing he felt. I did hear his point and I know we were both totally wrong in different ways. To the poster above about me running around for after him I think that is a bit how I felt at the time but in hindsight j can see I went to far also by not letting comments go. I disagree that I was telling him I was leaving with his baby there is a separate resentment /issue that we have not gone there until the baby is 4.5 months old due to an exam he has. I do feel annoyed my family didn't get to meet my ds as a.newborn. Anyway I think we can see some patterns we need to work on and he's very sorry as am I.
He shouldn't have called you a fucking bitch. That's not ok.
But he apologised profusely so if it's not an ongoing thing it can be forgiven, I think.
However, you sound like a total drama queen. And he doesn't sound much better.
You both need to stop with the ott behaviour. That would drive me absolutely mad.
He's not behaved well, but on balance, if I had to pick a 'side', it would be his. Sorry.
I think you're being rather OTT (was the councillor invoked for this one argument??) early baby days are stressful- very very much so. Put the night out behind you and both draw a line and move on.
Councillor was his idea not mine I was happy to put it behind us.
Someone wise told me not to take stock of a relationship in the first six months after having a baby because it's often temporary chaos. You're both making a disaster out of it by over-reacting about everything like this. It sounds like you've got enough to work on that's positive - you're both sorry, prepared to work, still emotionally invested, not saying these things regularly - why don't you cut yourselves and each other some slack. Agree that neither of you are seriously planning to go anywhere and it was a very silly idea to bring into play. And you are both committed to making a stable family for your baby.
You feel annoyed that your family haven't seen your child? Are you annoyed at them?
Not annoyed with my family just a shame we couldn't have gone earlier. Thanks yes we are very in love and I think that's probably why both so hurt. If we didn't care I would be worried.
Adjusting to parenthood can be difficult, particularly in the early days when sleep is all over the place. When you're tired, things always seem much worse and you can lack perspective and flip more easily.
Try to work together rather than fall apart. Be kind to each other. Communicate. Good luck - and congratulations on the new baby!
What were the arguments about before baby came along and what work did the counsellor recommend on resolving the issues surrounding them? Being in love is great and all that but it isn't enough to patch immaturity.
You both have really poor communication skills and unless you learn to communicate better the arguments and resentments will continue and feed more drama.
His language was terrible but your behaviour was just as bad but you seem to think being a new mum offers you special dispensation.
My advice is to stick with the counsellor because 'letting go' as you put it isn't something you know how to do just yet.
@curren the reason we can't go is because he has an exam he wants to study for in June. We can go after that. How would you advise we communicate @isetan. I feel he stonewalls me quite often and I feel quite invisible now. He's very busy with his studies work and enjoying the baby and sometimes he just goes off on big diatribes rather then really engages with me. Often I have to repeat myself because he's just not listening. This all came up with the councillor so I hope he will work on it. With me I do feel my outburst was a one of in special circumstances and I realize I'm not ready to leave the baby as someone said above. How can I be better?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.