Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP resentful doing everything while I have morning sickness

(88 Posts)
Imaginosity Sun 01-May-16 22:38:23

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and have been sick all the way from 6 weeks. I have anaemia and feel breathless and faint after light physical work like getting the DCs ready in the morning. I'm on iron so I'm hoping it won't last too much longer. I've spent a lot of time in bed lately.

DP is doing all the housework and a lot of minding the DCs - I've put all my energy into going to work every day. I can understand why he might be fed up - but I'm fed up too being sick all the time.

He keeps making angry comments about him having to do everything. I say I'm contributing too by being sick to have this baby that we both want.

He's always been very obsessive about having the place pristine - I would be much more comfortable in a clean house where we tolerated a bit of clutter. We have different standards when it comes to housework.

Earlier, accidentally I drained the battery in my car by leaving the light on all night. His reaction was to stomp off and throw his eyes up to heaven. He knows how to jump start the car and I don't - but he looked annoyed - like 'now you have me doing this'.

I just see my friends' DP's and they seem to act like they love each other and want to help each other. I feel we used to be like that too before we had DCs but now we just argue and seem stressed all the time. I don't think we can ever go back to the way it was.

Valentine2 Sun 01-May-16 23:03:13

YANBU. It's not your fault you are the one who had to be pregnant. He knew it meant he will have to contribute more or far more etc. He is the one being a knob. But I think you both must be so knackered. It's so tough to be pregnant and working with DCs.

3littlefrogs Sun 01-May-16 23:26:20

I had HG with all my pregnancies.
It is the most awful thing - I am so sorry you are suffering.
Your DP may well be feeling a bit overwhelmed, but you can be certain he doesn't feel even a fraction as ill and exhausted as you do.
He is being unkind to say the least - he should be doing everything he can to help and definitely not complaining.
You are doing really well to manage to work every day.
I would find it hard to forgive his behaviour and attitude TBH. You aren't being sick on purpose.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 01-May-16 23:44:54

I understand where you're coming from. I felt unwell throughout my pregnancy, my husband wasn't a great support, he just didn't get it

He was hands on straight off when our daughter was born but it took until we started weaning at 6 months for that magic switch to flip. She's 10.5 months now and their relationship is great. Before that it was a bit dutiful but ever since we started weaning he has had stars in his eyes.

I'm not excusing his (or your other halfs) shitty behaviour, demand the support you need with no shame(I did, I didn't care if he felt put out) but stay positive that wrt how things will unfold as time goes on.

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 12:16:16

Well DP Is really angry with me today sad

I got up early - he slept in until 11. I didn't do a huge amount - just got breakfast for the DCs then washed and dried my hair. Then I felt a bit faint so i lay down for a while.

We are due to go away to a hotel for one night tonight with the DCs. When DH saw me lying in bed he started stomping about closing doors angrily. He told me to get up and help get the DCs ready. I said I'm lying down because I'm weak. He said he's sick of it. I said go to the hotel yourself I'm not going. He told the DCs we're not going away - he'll take them to the zoo instead. Then I started saying i was only lying down for 20 mins to get my strength back up. He is absolutely fuming that he has been doing all the work sad. He stormed out and went off in his car sad. He obviously doesn't love me. We both wanted this baby.

PeppasNanna Mon 02-May-16 12:25:02

Are the other dcs his dc?

Does he not believe you?

Think you need to start considering the long term here... sad

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 12:42:02

Yes the other DCs are his DCs.

I just don't get this. I'm thinking maybe I'm blind to some behaviour I'm doing.

Before I was pregnant I was working non-stop all day. I was going out to work 5 days a week, dealing with the DCs in the evening while DP worked late - and doing a lot of work with one of my children who has high functioning autism. I was on the go from when i woke up at about 6.45am until I went to bed at about 11.30pm.

I put my time into the DCs and accept a lower level of tidiness in the house. Id have the house clean but not as completely immaculate as DH does. He's very particular about the house. Like even if the curtains were closed a bit carelessly he'd ask me to fix it and seem to think there's something wrong with me for not caring how it looked from the outside of the house.

I think he always notices the work I don't do - and doesn't place value on the work i do with the DCs. When I confront him about it he acknowledges the DCs are more important than the house - but he always seems to forget and slips back into the same arguments.

I've had a good few miscarriages and feel we're lucky I got pregnant. But now it just feels like things will only get worse - he doesn't seem to love me - and a newborn baby will just bring more stress. sad. I feel trapped.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Mon 02-May-16 12:47:14

Like even if the curtains were closed a bit carelessly he'd ask me to fix it and seem to think there's something wrong with me for not caring how it looked from the outside of the house.

Why the bloody hell can he not 'fix it' himself if he's stood right there looking at it? Even if you were a SAHM it wouldn't be your job to obey his every bloody whim when he's also in the house and has two hands to 'fix' things with. He sounds dreadful even when you're not incapacitated.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 02-May-16 12:48:52

Has he always been like this?

If you try and talk to him, is he likely to say that he'd have preferred you to tidy up or get the kids ready rather than doing your hair or lying down?

It's not clear if this is a general incompatibility and you never have the same standards, so there is always frustration, or if it's just now that you're sick thst you can't maintain what used to work.

Everyone seems at the end of their tether. Has he left the kids with you?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Mon 02-May-16 12:52:26

My DH was similar when I had HG. He did what needed to be done but was very short with me if you get me. He did however take me to get anti sickness injections and medical help when needed but he did sort of huff at me as if it was me being awkward

Zaurak Mon 02-May-16 12:54:10

His attitude is dreadful. In a partnership you accept that there will be times where one of you is needing to do more than their share - hence 'in sickness and in health.' Your comment about the curtains makes me fume - does his penis prevent him from closing them or is this 'women's work'?
I had hg in my pregnancy- it was truly awful and I was in a dreadful state. I ended up being signed off at work at six months but before that I just, just barely managed to keep things ticking over, but dh did almost everything (cooking, cleaning, bind etc.)
He was tired as he works long hours but he was never resentful towards me.

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like an absolute arse. Either he helps out running his own house and family or he hires in help.

I too would be considering whether this was a relationship I wanted to stay in.


SocksRock Mon 02-May-16 12:56:43

My husband is a neat freak and would love it if our house were pristine. I am more cluttered, not dirty though. We hired a cleaner to come twice a week (I know this isn't an option for everyone) and I had a good chat with him about reality of life with 3 children and two working parents. We then bought a dyson, carpet cleaner and a steam mop. He wants the floor pristine, he does it. It did take a fair while to get it through to him that he is not my line manager at home and cannot order me to do stuff!

ImperialBlether Mon 02-May-16 12:57:58

So he'd only been up an hour and already he was shouting and bawling and driving off in a huff? That is terrible. You are the one who is sick and you should have been having a lie in - if you'd had a rest you might have been up for a night away.

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 13:08:25

The curtain scenario would be if I had just shut them and was sitting closest to then and he thought they looked messy.

I don't have HG - just run down and low iron levels. I get through the day in work by lying down at times and building my strength back up.

He used to be really lovely. Maybe people just fall out of love - or start hating each other and treating each other badly.

I keep thinking I must have done something - but I can't think what's so bad.

He arrived back - when I saw his car I just burst out crying because I don't want any confrontation. He hasn't come near me or spoken since he came in. He's in the living room now ironing. He's probably resentfully ironing the DCs clothes for today - another thing to add to the list of things I haven't done. He'll probably come up now expecting me to go to the hotel and if I don't look happy that's another thing I've done wrong.

ArmfulOfRoses Mon 02-May-16 13:27:46

Are you allowed to be ill any other time?

He sounds horrible sad

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 13:30:52

I think it's been going on so long now it's like he doesn't really believe me anymore. I keep saying 'I'm not making this up...'

Why would I want to be lying in bed all day bored - I'd prefer to be up and getting ready and going out somewhere. He seems to think I'm pretending I'm sick so I can avoid helping with the housework and the DCs.

RaeSkywalker Mon 02-May-16 13:34:02

flowers for you. You're right- you're contributing by having his baby. I bet he'd not like it if you switched places!

You're not being unreasnoble to expect a bit of kindness. You are unwell. He probably feels overwhelmed by it all, but I'm sure you do too.

Heatherjayne1972 Mon 02-May-16 13:42:37

Sounds like my ex First time I had morning sickness he laughed!
Then he just expected me to 'get on with it' and 'millions of other women have babies- they dont make a big deal out of it '
This is a man who went to work when I was in labour and fell asleep on the sofa while I was on my knees panting!
Fortunately he is an ex now
Op you need a stiff word with this man and maybe think long term about your relationship

ImperialBlether Mon 02-May-16 13:54:43

Is there any way you can make things easier for yourselves and get a cleaner in for a few weeks?

Underbeneathsies Mon 02-May-16 13:56:38

Imaginosity give women's aid a ring. are you in Ireland?

You're being abused by this man dickhead.

From the women's aid website
Pregnancy should be an exciting and special time in a woman's life. For some women this is not the case. Pregnancy can be a stressful and fearful time if you are experiencing abuse in your relationship.

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, you are not alone. Sadly, it is very common. In a survey conducted by the Rotunda hospital (in Dublin) found that 1 in 8 women surveyed were being abused by their partner. It is also known that 30% of women who experience domestic violence are physically assaulted for the first time during pregnancy.

That is what happened to Jane, who rang the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline to talk about her experiences. Jane told us:

"When I was pregnant he became more aggressive and violent, I was sick for the first three months and was tired all the time. I just wanted to sleep when I wasn't working, but he said I was being selfish and insensitive to him."
Read more of Jane's account here.

If you are experiencing abuse during your pregnancy you could talk to someone today. Tell a friend or a loved one or call the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900 (10am to 10pm). Or you can talk to one of the health professionals like a midwife, doctor or a nurse at the maternity hospital or ante-natal clinic.

Think about these statements, are they true for you? If so you need help. Sorry.

You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.

expatinscotland Mon 02-May-16 13:59:37

He sounds pretty dreadful.

haveacupoftea Mon 02-May-16 14:02:20

He sounds like he has mental health problems hence the fixation on the neatness of the house. Not making excuses for him being awful but is he stressed about the new baby, maybe about how to afford it? Could he be feeling resentful of the pregnancy for that reason?

I'd send him to the GP to see.

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 14:04:27

Oh well it's all over maybe

He said he's taking them to the hotel today and then he's moving out tomorrow sad. We can't even afford financially for that to happen. We couldn't logistically manage without one of us changing our jobs.

He said I contribute nothing and do not join in for any family occasions. I have been opting to go to bed early over the last few months and not watching movies with the DCs on Saturdays - because I'm sick.

Ok so he hates me and in pregnant and that's it. I never thought it would end like this.

BrioLover Mon 02-May-16 14:41:45

Hang on a minute... Your 'D'P has just told you he's leaving because you've been sick for ONLY 3 months because you're carrying his child? He couldn't handle you being ill for 12 weeks? What if it was something that didn't have a definite end date?!

flowers for you OP. This sounds truly shit. Are there any family/friends you can call on today?

Imaginosity Mon 02-May-16 14:56:23

He said for the last 2 yrs I haven't contributed - like to doing up our house. But I said he's disregarded all the work I did with the DCs - especially our child who had autism - I put a huge amount of time in everyday but it counts for nothing in his eyes. I think I put more hours into the DCs than he has put into the house - much more.

I keep thinking I must be blind to whatever it is about me that's making him hate me so much. He said I should have come down to lie on the couch over the last few weeks while the DCs were watching their movie instead of lying in bed. I just felt drained after keeping going the whole day and just needed to lie down flat and be alone.

He thinks I'm making no effort with him. I've had a really hard time personally over the last two years and it's been hard to cope with. I said this and is attitude is 'You've had a hard time!!!!! How do you think it's been for me???' Of course he's been affected a lot - but me more so because all the things happened directly to me. I needed difficult treatment for a serious illness - i was the one who personally had to face the treatment and go through the pain. I've had a horrible time and it's worn me down.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now